Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy dd came home with the wrong homework

I need advice. DD just started 3rd and is supposed to be going to 5th grade for math this year. She went to 4th grade math last year at the same school, so I feel like the school should have its act together.

We met with the teacher and the principal before school started to make sure the school could really accommodate her this year - we didn't pay her tuition until after the meeting because we have been very concerned about the school being able to meet her needs. The school principal and teacher were very polite and somewhat receptive, so we left the meeting optimistic. This is her 3rd year at the school.

School started last Wed. 5th grade math won't start until next week. But, she came home with 3rd grade math homework Friday! I think she accepted the worksheet from her homeroom teacher to please her, but when dd told me about her homework she burst into tears because she knew I would be mad.

I know that I am overreacting, but she did actually work out of the same Everyday Math 3rd grade workbook in kindergarten. (Okay, not all of it, but still.) I feel like her getting this homework sheet sends mixed signals to dd and to us about the rest of this year.

DD says, "Its okay because her teacher said that she'll only get the 3rd grade math homework occasionally." What? I might feel better about the situation if the teacher had said, "Do it only if you want to," or "Its just this time."

I thought about throwing the sheet away, but that clearly upsets dd and puts her in the middle. I could send in different homework, but that seems kind of obnoxious this early in the year. At the same time, just having her do it and turn it back in sets a precedent that this is okay.

Thinking back, this has happened a couple times before, but always with a substitute, but never with a regular teacher.

I know this a very common situation. I'm wondering how other folks have handled this situation positively.

If 5th grade math hasn't started, how would she get 5th grade math homework? I would tell your DD that the 3rd grade worksheet is optional, but that she may want to do it anyway because it won't cost her much effort.

I wouldn't go in with guns blazing unless she continues to get the wrong homework when her real math class starts.

Personally, I wouldn't go in with guns blazing, but I wouldn't have her do it either. I am in the exact same situation (except at a public school). Ds goes to 5th grade for math, and like you, 5th grade math starts on Monday. If ds had come home with a 3rd grade sheet, I would have politely sent an email to the teacher and said, "just to let you know, dd mistakenly was given a 3rd grade sheet." I can't imagine having her do it. I mean, I have an *actual* 5th grader, and if he came home with 3rd grade math, would I have him do it? If your child came home with the kindergarten spelling list, would you have her do it?
To me, the situation is no different. Last year, my ds sometimes had homework on days when other second graders didn't, and sometimes he had no homework when other second graders did. In the same way, ds10's 5th grade math and literacy are tracked and homework is different for each group.
To be honest, it does seem like you're over-reacting and it worries me that your dd was so upset because she thought *you* would be upset. I'm not thrilled with the scheduling we've had to do to accommodate ds8 going to 5th grade math, but I'll be darned if I'll let him know. I've convinced him that it's the best thing ever. Gifted kids have enough stress without them worrying about US being stressed.
I'm NOT dismissing your frustration or your concerns- believe me, I have BTDT (ds8 is my youngest of four gifted kids and dd19 is entering her senior year of college). It is enough to make you scream at times dealing with the school system, and that's without the added frustration you have of paying tuition.
One thing I would try if you haven't done it already is to write everything done. Actually, this might be a great opportunity to do it in a natural way. You can send a note saying, "I just wanted to clarify things because dd came home with the wrong homework. It was, I'm sure, just a mistake, but I did want to make sure we're all on the same page." And then, write things down.
For example, I had to add things like, "ds will do rocket math in the same sequence as the higher grades," and "when the homeroom class does math extended response writing activities, the teacher will provide 5th grade level work." I wanted to make sure that he was given the opportunity to be just as successful as the older kids.
Don't be confrontational - you can even blame your dd if you have to - "dd seems to be getting mixed up on the homework. She brought third grade math homework home today. Can you help her make sure she picks up the right page every day?"
Obviously, if this doesn't work...
THEN go in with guns blazing. But the schoolyear is still new and you don't want to alienate her teacher yet.
Good luck!
Theresa

We had the same thing happen this first week of school. 4th grade math hasn't started, and DS brought home 2nd grade math homework. DS just did it, I didn't say anything, but I plan to say something if he starts to bring home BOTH 2nd and 4th grade homework. Nan

I'd throw it out, and not make a big deal over it.

Great words of wisdom Theresa - well said!

Thanks. I knew I had gone off the deep end.

Hi Chrys,

My son who is now a senior in high school was given accelerated work in mid-school, and for the first few weeks the teachers made some mistakes about what did or did not come home. Once we all got into the rhythm of the school year's schedule, the kinks worked themselves out. Teachers today have fairly large classes in regular ed, and students who have special ed accommodations create a bit more chaos, and I learned that if I stayed chill and approached the teacher with a friendly "oops" tone, we stayed on the same team and didn't become adversarial.

When we have to fight so hard in the beginning to qualify for accommodations, the go-to-the-mattresses reaction can become instinct. But as a first reaction, it's usually detrimental - both to our relationship with the staff who interact with our child all day and to our child as well. It sounds like your daughter is very in tune with your reactions and wants to please you, and while that is good to a certain point, it will help her develop some traits of appropriate assertiveness if she feels she can come to you for advice and not be afraid of your reaction. What I learned to do when that lady inside my head was ranting and raving was to take a deep breath and then modulate my reaction to my son by asking questions about what he thought he should do about a situation rather than take over the problem.

Now as a senior, he is writing his own letters to heads of some of the university departments where he wants this year's mentorship through his gifted program in high school. He isn't waiting on his very nice but very disorganized teacher, he's being proactive. When he was in mid-school, I was convinced that the closest relationship he'd ever have to the words assertive or proactive would be on a spelling test, but by stepping back and coaching him through several years of mishaps as they arose, he's developed a sense of appropriate assertiveness that makes me feel better about his next steps into the adult world.

Hope this helps, and don't be too hard on yourself. It's a wee issue that will be forgotten in no time, but you sound like a great mom for being so introspective and for working so hard to make sure your daughter has the right services and help she needs to be challenged.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. Last year at the very start of the year, DS7 brought home a bunch of silly sheets of math and I just printed him out some multiplication and division problems to do instead and sent that back; I saw the teacher the next day or so, and she laughed and said not to worry about the silly stuff, it was just habit for her to give it to everybody.

If 5th grade math hasn't started yet, it was probably just habit or absentmindedness of the teacher. I need to check and see when our 5th grade math class starts this year, too!