Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy we're FINISHED with THAT school!

that's it, I've had enough.

After 3+ years of the school TELLING ME I have to MAKE my kids do what they want her to do, doing what they have asked of me and still having no improvement, I have finally had the last straw!

At last week's SST, the counselor suggested we make the consequences half of a system she set up more severe, because the consequences didn't seem strong enough to deter DD8 from misbehaving...she also said to take my child to a conselor so we can try to get to the root of why she doesn't want to cooperate. Same counselor also said I should go ahead and look at other school options, but that DD might be "manipulating" me into a change...School psycholgist agrees with outside counseling and says DD needs more frequent reinforcment of positive behavior during the day. Well, that would have to be totally the teacher, I'm not there all day...Teacher says we need to be a team...I guess meaning all us grownups, but not the child whose future we are discussing...so fine...I say I will do all those things...
Then, after three days of no red or green card (daily progress reward/consequnces system), I go to the teacher and ask...she tells me she has decided to stop doing it because it didn't seem to be working and she "meant to email me about it"...I waited last night and this morning for her email...it's still not here.
My daughter is going to be upset about missing spirit week next week, but I don't think I can allow her to stay in this situation, right? I mean, I did what the school asked, but they keep failing to hold up their end of the bargain!
The only question is what to do with her while we have testing and assessment and can make a decision about the best placement. You can't just take a kid out and not register them in another school...

2gift, if I were in your shoes, I would not make any decisions in the heat of the moment. I'd wait until you have the outside testing finished and results and report in hand, and see what they say.

With that information you can make a decision based on facts rather than feelings... which is much in your DD's best interest.

Among other things, we have found that an outside report that offers specific details about what the school should be doing carries significant weight in changing the school's behavior.

And if there are LDs present, you might not want to give up the services that should be available through public schooling.

Unless they are doing actual harm, let your DD do spirit week and get that report ASAP.

DeeDee

This sounds difficult, and sounds like the more you push the harder they push back. And this has become an emotional issue -- so it doesn't sound like it will be easy to come to a level-headed decision for your daughter without taking a step back.

Easier said than done, I admit!
Talk to your daughter. What is the one thing she would change right now? Is she attached to enough other kids that moving to another school would hurt more than help?
Writing this stuff out (like you did above) can help tremedously. Talk to friends, hearing you explain your issues can help figure out if there are holes in your logic, expectations that are out of whack, etc.

I'd definitely start on some testing/assessment immediately if you have not already -- what assessment has already been done for your daughter? If it's possible to get something concrete to work with before making a move you will feel better.

Good luck!

edit: ps - the teacher might think she's covered her new discipline program by having that chat with you, and not feel like she needs to send a note to give further details.

we will start evaluation with a private psychologist next Tuesday (IQ test). She's also previously had an IQ test at 2.5 and the school gave them the Raven at the end of last year, 2nd grade. We know she's gifted and we know that after 3+ years, school life hasn't gotten any better.

In this case too, I think I might have to override "missing some friends"...she has "friends" but I would say that she is not super attached to any of the kids and has always been that way. Plus, she is getting labeled as a trouble maker, defiant, etc and that can't be helping her socially...I have wrestled with that part of the equation, but socializing at school shouldn't be my focus, right? She shoulc be challenged and stimulated, not feel like she has to spend all her energy trying to play some kind of game, giving the teacher "appropriate" social behavior...

The school won't do learning disability testing (just to rule out), this was the second time we had an SST but still aren't getting an IEP...

I think I owe it to my DD to find a better fit for her academically and the friends will follow...plus, we will still go back to our old school for Girl Scouts, so she will see those friends. And if we homeschool, we would have more time and flexibility for other social interactions.

DeeDee-that's the problem...with the teacher pulling out the system we all agreed on and not discussing it with me first, I feel that is harmful. The teacher says we should be a team, but she changes the play without telling me...

I don't think I should have to work so hard. Maybe it will turn out that my kid just doesn't fit plain public school, but it is apparent, more and more that this school just isn't a good fit.

I was willing to wait until Christmas, but now, I don't know...

I would suggest that you consider two issues in dealing with your DD at this point, academic fit and behavior and be working on both of them at the same time.

First, get her educational environment closer to her level. If you are going to keep her in this school, they are going to have to do something different for her while you all are working on the behavior issues. Otherwise, look for the school or situation that is going to be a better fit for her intellectually. I know you are doing some testing right now and that should help with figuring that out and may determine options. It did for us in that we were able to apply to a HG school.

Second, you have to get your DDs behavior in check. Don�t rely on the school to come up with a behavior plan � they will always go to the standard card system which I don�t think is that effective. I strongly recommend the Nurtured Heart Approach � get the Workbook. I have been trying it for the last month with my DS and it does work. I am not the best at it and I have slipped up some but really taking the time to emphasize and celebrate the positive about your kid is what it is all about and my kid seems to respond to it. It gives you a great opportunity to really highlight and praise the qualities and behaviors you want to see in your child. I am sure right now your DD is really beat down by what is going on and to give that praise is essential. Also, it will let your DD know that you have a plan and she can be confident in what you are doing too.

With respect to the school changing its way of looking at behavior, I pm�ed Grinity desperate for some help in this regard a few months ago and here is what she told me. (Grinity � I hope you don�t mind me sharing). Much of what was suggested we have done over the last few months and it is much better right now.

1) Make a behavior chart � one sheet of paper that contains 3 specific behaviors � 1 should be a real problem, the other not as bad a problem and one a gimme behavior.

2) For each behavior it is not an all of nothing � it should have 'poor' 'fair' 'good' 'great'

3) State the rule as a negative (I know this isn't popular, but Intense kids need crystal clear boundaries) example: No Yelling, No touching, No crying, No moving out of seat while teacher is talking. Eventually you'll be able to use a less concrete rule like 'No disrupting'

My DS�s rules are No Touching Other Students or Their Things and No Disobeying The Teacher (at home it is Take No For an Answer and No Whining) and No Throwing Food.

4) Leave a blank slot on the daily communication instrument that says: Tonight at the family dinner, we can celebrate that your DD did _______________________.
This part has been great for my DS because no matter what the day is like, we always have something positive to celebrate. It also gets the teacher to focus on something positive every day about your child which can change how she thinks about your DS.

I met with the teacher after I drafted the chart and she is doing it and it is working. The first few weeks are rough, but my DS has had the last two weeks of goods and greats. My DS�s teacher is a kind and compassionate woman but she was at a loss to know what to do with DS. She said she would be willing to try anything, but we have to come up with what to try. That is why we have sought the help of an outside psych. I spoke to the psych about the behavior issues and she recommended many of the same things as suggested by Grinity and the NHA.

We also use a credit system at home where if my DS gets goods/greats, he gets 15 minutes of screen time and if he gets a great in not disobeying the teacher he gets an extra 5 points. We give screen time for other good behaviors too. We never deduct screen time but my DS does not watch TV or play videogames or games on my phone without having accumulated screen time.

Good luck. It really is not easy and dealing with people at the schools can be exhausting - hang in there.

well, maybe we can try that one, but at this point, with the teacher already pulling the daily communication system we had, I don't know if this is going to happen...part of my problem now is that she did this without discussing it with me at all...I have been begging all this time for DAILY communication and you'd think I was asking them to cut off their right arms or something!

I'm 99.9% sure that this school has nothing left to offer us. The only question is what to do in the meantime...

BTW-the "bad" or undesirable behaviors at school are things like refusing to do work, reading under the desk, monopolizing discussion periods. I have been told we cannot allow her to read under the desk, etc because it "undermines the teacher's authority", but all the other kids KNOW my kid is "different", even among the bright and even gifted kids, she is not the same...and we have NO bad behaviors at home. Sure, she is not perfect, but I am not a permissive parent either and at home she functions beautifully...she starts homework with no prompting and is currently obsessed with "beating her time" to finish the work on a timer...

All of these behaviors practically scream, "I'm bored!" I'd say it's time to talk to your school about acceleration, and if that's a conversation they're not willing to have, start exploring other options.

now she is suspended for forcing another kid off the play equipment and hurting him That was not normal for her, so I'm not sure what happened. And I just had lunch with his mom yesterday! ugh!

I made sure she went back to her teacher and got the classwork and homework for tomorrow...I have an email from the teacher regarding conferences, but no email about stopping the daily progress info It will be interesting to see how she reacts tomorrow...

She is FINALLY telling me though, that she feels different and it makes her sad. Everyone is her "friend" but they don't play "together"...I know she eats lunch alone usually...

We have decided to leave, it's obvious that this isn't the right place for her, but I also have to make sure that it's because of giftedness (with or without another factor) and not because she really has something serious going on. We are not running AWAY from this school, but looking for an option to run TO.

She told me the only day she is excited and happy to go to school is Friday because it's the last day of the week

Dude-we haven't even GOTTEN to a place where we can talk acceleration. They won't do an acheivment test, we'll get that from the private psych...they are still totally focused on HER behavior, and even though we HAVE another 3rd grade class, they won't even CONSIDER moving her...I feel like they continue to "blame" me, that I somehow am undermining the teacher...I mean, THEY gave her the test that says she is DIFFERENT, and not just a little, but rather a lot, yet they continue to treat her exactly the same as the others...they even BRAG about how "every kid benefits" from GATE cirriculum. That just shows how lacking their GATE is, imo...

We have alot of options too, so I want to take some time...
Again, I just have to find out the proper procedure to pull her out but not enroll her in another school right away...

and I think we will ALL benefit from the suspension, which DD also doesn't think is such a punishment. I think she's rather looking forward to it...