Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I have no idea what to do next

Hi everyone. I am so very glad to have found this site, and have already received wonderful advice indirectly by browing! But I have no idea where to go next with my son, so I hope some here have suggestions.

First, a little background. My son is 5.5 and started kindergarten in August. He attends a private school which is supposed to be 1 grade level above the state mandates for public school. He has never been tested, so I have no idea of his potential. I do know he is at least very bright, if not gifted. He was a late talker but once he started he was speaking in complete sentences. He started reading by age 4, was a sight learner just from us reading to him. He did not have DVDs, flashcards or computer programs to teach reading- just one day, it clicked.

He still reads very well, but the phonics they teach in school seem to be interfering with his reading somewhat. Words he used to just recognize, he now tries to sound out. Nevertheless, he is still reading quite well (Encyclopedia Brown, Charlotte's Web and the like, whatever level they are).

He also *loves* math and numbers and workbooks for math. He is currently working a Grade 2 level math book without problem, and will ignore my pleas to watch Jeopardy with me or color in favor of continuing his workbooks. He can hear a piece of music once or twice and walk around humming it the next day, and he has taken piano since he was 4. His teacher was reluctant to take him as a student, but I convinced her to at least try him for a month since he could already read (a prerequisite of hers). After 2 lessons she told me he'd already advanced more than her older students who had months of lessons. He attends the symphony with us, and people are amazed that a 4-5 year old sits enraptured for the 2-3 hour performances. He just loves music, maybe even more than numbers.

He is also an extreme perfectionist, and this trait is sometimes debilitating in that he will choose to not attempt a task if he is afraid of failure. He is also very emotional and sensitive- he cried reading Charlotte's Web when Wilbur was threatened with slaughter. I switched books on him the next day because I was worried about him continuing- I didn't think he would take Charlotte's death well at all.

I work full time, and my mother and grandmother watched him before he started school, so he has had a great deal of adult interaction and attention. He attended a mother's day out program at 3 and a half day pre-k when 4. Those teachers and piano instructor constantly made comments about how bright he is, how quickly he learns things, how advanced he is compared to his peer group, etc. Nice to hear, but at that point I was more concerned with his social skills since he was never around other children. He has grown so much over the last couple of years, and much more easily interacts with children he does not know.

However (it had to come, right?!), I don't know what to do next. I recently met with his kindergarten teacher for the first time after the start of school, and I was taken aback at the things she said. She is wholly unimpressed by him, thinks his perfectionist streak is a problem (admittedly, *sometimes* it is), and thinks his sensitive soul is emotionally immature. She said nothing of academics and this is an academic based full day program. When I mentioned the regression I was seeing in his reading, her response was something similar to "Oh, he's reading fine. He'll continue to be ok and the other kids will catch up." She thinks that kindergarten should be fun, that childhood is too short and that parents shouldn't push kids. The only time I push my son is when I tell him yes, he has to practice the piano in order to take lessons since he'd prefer to just show up for class.

For now, he enjoys school but already likes it less than last year. Since his pre-k program was only a half day, it was more play based and he had the afternoon to read, do his workbooks, play soccer, etc. Now, he really only enjoys school on days when they do a particular computer math program.

I don't know if I am overreacting and if I should just take a wait and see approach. I don't want him to become disruptive or, worse yet, discover that he can slide by with little to no effort and still get good grades. I took that route and even though I graduated with honors from HS, college and grad school, I was a horrible student who never learned how to study and push myself. I worry that he will get to that point as well.

I don't really want to test him, because that is just a number. I don't really want him in public school since the teachers are forced to teach to the test in Texas and our local district does not have a full day gifted class until 3rd grade. But at the same time, we are not wealthy and I pay quite a bit of money for my son to attend a school where his teacher seems content with him performing at a "fine" level.

I'd like to talk with his teacher again, but I don't want to antagonize her. She is supposed to be the best at this school and is very, very highly regarded by everyone who hears that she is his teacher. I've kept quiet with other parents about my concerns, but I really didn't like her dismissive attitude at the conference. I also don't want to be "that parent" and seem as though I'm bragging about my son.

Anyone who has met such a teacher have any advice on how to proceed? Other than with caution. : )

Thanks in advance.


PS- Sorry this was so long and rambling!

Welcome MonetFan,
So glad you could join us!
This part above really opened my eyes. Question is - how far are you willing to go so that DS doesn't follow in your footsteps? Of course you are going to have to step outside your comfort zone and test, advocate, skip, change schools or all of the above if you don't want history to repeat itself.

My DH and I were so sure that if we just treated DS like he was ND (Normally Developing) he would be ND. It took until about 2nd grade for us to 'wake up and smell the coffee.' Lucky for us, our DS was one of those 'acting out kids' so when he wasn't getting his needs met, everyone knew that at least something was up.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

If this is the best teacher in the school, I guess that's a blessing because I'm wholly unimpressed by her!

This sensitivity/immaturity question is a tough one and will be with you for a long time, but do stick to your guns on this one!

As for the perfectionistic behavior, the best cure in the world (although it doesn't always work) is to have him in an academic situation where he actually has to work to keep up. Really! In fact you can take a rough estimate of how perfectionistic he is and use that as a guide that you are making changes in the right direction.

He sounds very gifted musically. Check if he has perfect pitch. Some kids (and adults) really suffer when off pitch music is playing, and that can cause some wild behavior in young ones!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I recently went to a gifted conference in Sydney and one of the most useful things I heard was: emotional sensitivity is not the same as emotional immaturity. I found that enormously freeing. In the school system, it's often easier to give kids more "time" so that they can emotionally and socially mature and this is often used as an excuse for not galloping through grades. But I would only agree with this if this extra "time" is used to help develop strategies that address the sensitivities themselves. But of course few schools do this.

Hmmm... not sure that's terribly clear. But don't mistake one for the other and don't allow the teacher to either... jojo

[/quote]

Welcome MonetFan,
So glad you could join us!
This part above really opened my eyes. Question is - how far are you willing to go so that DS doesn't follow in your footsteps? Of course you are going to have to step outside your comfort zone and test, advocate, skip, change schools or all of the above if you don't want history to repeat itself.


Love and More Love,
Grinity [/quote]


I agree with Grins. First you need to have testing done so that you have ammunition in the form of cold hard facts. Then you need to forget the picture perfect childhood that you are carrying around in your head. Then you need to figure out what makes your DS' picture perfect childhood. Advocating, pleading, skipping grades, changing schools, homeschooling, sometimes jumping up and down, pulling your hair out are all things that we've done here. No one teacher can be the greatest for every child and these kiddos tend to push even the best to the limit.

It's a very different road that we travel, but it is amazing! Don't get discouraged. When you start to get overwhelmed, we're here. Search back through the old posts and you'll see just how many have the term "venting" in the title.

Hold on tight, the ride is wild!!

I agree with all of those who are advocating testing. It won't change anything about DS, but will give you that data that will be needed to help advocate for him. I was somewhat reluctant at first, because I didn't like the idea of a number defining my child. But I realized it is not like that at all, it doesn't change anything but is just more information to help him. It gave me information I needed to advocate for DS, and since the school was aware of his abilities they suggested a grade skip and are accelerating his work in addition to that. I think without that data they would not have known at all that he was as advanced as he is and would just have seen his behaviors as they come out when he is not challenged. With all the mandates and things that teachers have it is easy for advanced kids to slip under the radar. I am so thankful that I did have DS5 tested and that I was able to get support through the school because of it.

I also have to say that your son's teachers responses during the conference are quite telling. Maybe she just doesn't get his abilitlies and thinks you are a pushy parent...and maybe some concrete information would change that...but it is hard to say. My sons teacher thinks he is emotionally immature as well...and he really can be. But he still has other academic needs that need to be met. They can't be ahead in everything, and that is the one thing that is not as easy for him. I would contact the school and check into how to go about having him tested. Or you could pay to have him privately tested...whatever works better for you. good luck! keep us informed!

This sounds like my situation with DD in K. I got the whole "they all even out and will all be reading at the same level by the end of the year...." Really? Because I highly doubt they will be reading full blown chapter books by themselves at the end of K. Turns out that by the end of the year, when they took the "school readiness test" to see if they were prepared for 1st grade my daughter did so well that she was recommended for the GT program. She is now in 2nd grade and I have to tell you, each year entails a new discussion with a new teacher and the process starts all over again. We have made progress each year though because each year there is more and more "proof" (if you will) that there is no denying it. Be careful about having the school test him. Not all school personnel are skilled in testing gifted. I can tell you the nightmares parents have had at our school with testing. Also if the results are not as expected (due to poor testing) those will be in the child's permanent record vs. if you choose to have someone outside, who you know is skilled in gifted, administer the test resulting in most likely, accurate scores. I didn't have my DD tested, but she tested well on her own with the school tests that it wasn't needed. HTH!

jojo - I think that you put this in a lovely way. I would add that for some kids, leaving them in classrooms where they don't relate to their agemates, and are 'talked down to' by the teachers isn't the reasurring and nurturing environment that emotinally sensitive need.

Smiles and Waves,
Grinity

Welcome -

My son could easily be yours, other than the path of schooling thus far. And I quoted Grinity here because I whole heartedly agree with her - especially on this. My DS(just shy of)6 is worse than I am, as far as perfectionism is concerned, and while he is still at the top of his class now, having him in an environment where he's challenged a bit more has been WONDERFUL to help curb some of the overdramaticness (yes, my new word) with the "I can't" and "I'll choose A because it's easy instead of choosing B where I might not figure it out on the first try", etc...

My DS was tested by his school. They used more than just an achievement test - they used the Iowa Acceleration Scale, which takes things like maturity level into consideration.

His testing and his whole grade acceleration have been a tremendous relief to us. There are still things that are too easy for him, and there are still moments of him being "just 5", but I would highly recommend testing for your DS! Even if it is just a number, it will really assist you in deciding what is next!

jojo - I LOVE this!!! I'm jotting it down now!