Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "forget the IQ, deal with his behaviour" ???

hi, yes I agree with you completely about avoiding negative social experiences. My son for example doesn't know that people can bump in to him by accident so if he gets hurt, he gets really angry and distressed and can retaliate. Even when he hurts himself, he takes it out on us. So a fun social outing can quickly turn in to something so negative for him.

I think we'll be using a baby steps approach to all of this, with what we do at home, OT, going out and so on. Quality not quantity as you said, and starting off small and gradually expanding.

Hi again,
This is in those sensory books I recommended above. It could really feel like an assault to him when someone else bumps into him. He also really could be "lost in space" and not know where his own body ends and something else begins. We found it really helpful to play catch with a tennis ball, hopscotch and kickball. All of these require our DS7 to judge distance relative to his body in space. Our OT told us that with the GT kids she works with, she also uses the cognitive approach (something with an engine/volcano/anything your son can relate to) to teach them how to regulate their emotions. It really sounds like you are getting some awesome feedback and I am so jealous of the support you are getting with outside resources. WTG!!!!

Thanks!

Yep you're absolutely right about the "lost in space" thing, this is in his OT assessment report. We've only had the one OT session (they're seeing us fortnightly) and they've got a big plan of what to do with my son. My special ed friend (son's former preschool teacher) used to use CBT on my son to help regulate him emotional response and it worked. She used his cognitive strengths and interests such as the human body and would explain that getting his "red face" (when angry) wasn't good for his blood pressure. He was able to calm down on his own by looking at himself in a mirror and doing deep breaths to a count of 10.

I've got the two "Out of Sync Child" books, I must start reading them asap but I'm also reading Deirdre Lovecky's "Different Minds", some Tony Attwood, the list goes on!

Hello everyone, I thought I would post an update on this.

My son is now 6y7m and homeschooling is by far the best thing for him. We're all so happy and he is doing so well I can't even believe I was considering school for him, for the 'social' aspect, heh!

I worked out a long time ago that we needed to take a very cautious baby steps approach to his level of comfort and ability to cope in social situations. last year we worked on playdates with one other child, then two children, etc. His level of social interaction last year was minimal, simply because we don't know many other children his age and I could see he needed extra attention with play/interaction skills. I decided it was best to build these foundations slowly then provide the gentle exposure so he could apply what he learnt.

I was also introduced to Social Thinking (www.socialthinking.com) which IMHO is the best approach to assisting high functioning kids with social difficulties. It has been fantastic for my little boy.

I never found the kind of school I was looking for which I know now should be a school for exceptionally gifted kids with learning difficulties, ASD etc. Basically, a 2E school where Aspie kids are catered to. If I win the lottery I'll set up my own

This year we have more interaction as we've joined a homeschool group and have a few more friends. Academics-wise, my son is in first grade (grade 1 in Australia) and has been assessed at mid 7th grade for reading (comprehension is good but because of his ASD, understanding a character and their perspectives is a little diffcult, we are tackling this with Social Thinking concepts). He is upper primary/elementary elementary for maths and what he doesn't know he picks up very quickly. There is no way any school would provide that level for him, not in first grade (teachers have confirmed this for me). He is also learning high school science topics in greater detail and is loving it.

Forgive the brag, I'm just so proud of how far he has come. I've read over some concerns I had about him a year and two years ago and can't even remember those things, which of course is a good thing

I'm so glad, dagobbz, that you came back to update us. I'm proud of him and so very proud of you!!! ((little happy tears in my eye corners))

You were able to accomplish so much more that was available for your son. Go Momma!!!

Here's a prayer that you do win that lottery jackpot - a bet there are many you could help.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

You just did exactly what is meant by forget the IQ and deal with the behavior.

- Realized the school was a source of anxiety.
- Placed your child in a more suitable environment to deal with the anxiety.
- Most importantly, solved the anxiety problems quickly, so you can get on to the education. Dealing with the behavior is suppose to be a short term goal.

Psychologists make these simple rules for parents, teachers and psychologists who do not have a natural ability to figure it out themselves.

I think you might just have a natural talent for making the right choices. So the starting your own school idea is not a bad idea.

thanks for the replies

JamieH, when you say "You just did exactly what is meant by forget the IQ and deal with the behavior" I have to disagree there-- the people telling me this were saying to forget about the gifted side and providing nurturing/challenge/stimulation there and just focussing solely on behavioural issues (some told me to do ABA, no thank you). The teachers and ed. psych saying this had no gifted streams at their school and said it wasn't necessary for my son and that at their school his behaviours would be worked on (they used a discipline based approach for the ASD kids which to me was horrific when they outined their strategies) and I would have to do any gifted stuff at home.

I absolutely disagree with this and if a child is seeking that kind of intellectual stimulation, they should receive it during the day (like at school) instead of having it go untouched and then doing it at home, when they're dealing with the stress of a long day.


I have used my son's intellectual ability to help modify and shape his behaviour, not one person we have encountered in special ed or psychology or ASD 'help' has done this. For eg my son wasn't turn taking or sharing when he was younger. All those specialists would say to him "you must share, you must take turns" but not teaching him WHAT this meant; his role in the social context; how others thought of him; why he would benefit from sharing/turn taking etc. So I taught my son all this myself and used his interests and ability to analyse a situation.

I have never seen this done by the numerous (and I mean numerous) professionals we have encountered, including psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers, special ed, ASD therapists, etc.

We have a handful of specialists we see because they agree with my approach and fully support what I'm doing, where we never ever put the giftedness aside and just dealt with the behaviour.

Just to clarify, my son has never been to school, just a kindergarten which was a terrible experience for him.

I am not the least bit surprised to find out you were not impressed by every professional you ran into. This has rarely been my experience as well.

Anyway, I am glad to get your feedback. I am fairly sure I am not successfully communicating my thinking. Just ran into one of those behavioral issues in an 8 year old aspie half way through the message. Under control, but lost my train of thought.

And yes, I find discipline in my experience is not very effective.

My impression of your concerns with the schools is a tendency for them to only worry about behavior and totally ignore education. Some of them go as far as to ignore the giftedness as they feel the behavior is a sign of a lack of giftedness. I agree this is a big problem.

What I was referring to is the problem they also have getting the behavior in check so the teaching can be effective. Behavior is often just a sign of anxiety. That is why I mentioned removing the source of anxiety. It is pointless to try and educate an extremely anxious child.

Having read what else you said, I detect you feel keeping the child interested can solve the behavior problem. Yes, I would agree with this when the child is in a comfortable environment as in their home. In the school, the first problem they face is finding a comfortable environment for the child. Even the best teacher will have the odd occasion where a specific child is uncomfortable with them for no apparent reasons. What I was referring to is forget about the teaching until you at least solve any anxiety issues. This is both an upfront issue when the child begins school and a daily issue as the teacher learns the various trigger points in the child resulting in behavior issues. The teacher does not have the luxury of having years of experience with the specific child to work with. It is a learn as you go issue.

Giftedness and behavior are two separate issues and do have to be worked on. Academic education is not a cure for behavior. Sure keeping a child interested can avoid the behavior in the early years. So for a school, this is not a bad way to go as they can then focus on education. However a parent has to allow the behavior to happen in order to solve the behavior problems. A parent has to be the one setting the rules, not the child.

As much as ignoring the education entirely is a bad idea, ignoring the hehavior issues is at least an equally bad idea. Avoiding the situations resulting in the behavior is a good way to have productive periods of time during the day. It is still important to gradually introduce the situations resulting in the behavior. When the days come where this cannot be avoided, the results can be disasterous if not taken care of early.

I am just discussing my thoughts on this. In no way is this even close to an expert opinion. I am hoping getting in on the discussion will bring out some good ideas by others.