Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Sometimes I just want to join in the banter

I said the wrong thing to a mum today, who painted me in to a corner about where dd is at (I gave an honest, if not complete answer). It was the mum of one off dd's new school friends and I expect it will result in some awkwardness for a while, given her response. It was silly and I know better, but what I said (which was a bumbled kind of half answer) and her response left me feeling really frustrated. Sometimes I just get really over having to play games of charades with people about dd. I just want to be able to talk about my kid like everyone else gets too. I know there are places like this forum where I (very thankfully) can. I know it is simply a reality of our circumstance (and I am lucky enough to have a couple of friends I can speak to dd about), but it would just be nice to be able to participate in the playground banter and not have dd held up to a measuring stick all the time.

Anyway... sigh... just having a moment.

{{hugs}}

I'm sorry. I hate it when I have one of those days; just when I think I've got myself convinced that I have a set of good responses to dogged questioning, or that I don't really care what some potential parenting Olympian thinks or says to me...


Yeah. Me too.

I feel for you. But cheer up, there are some who have it worse. I've joined this forum because I can't talk to anyone about my kids at all, including their father. They don't believe it, and even when they see something that is obvious, they turn and pretend no to see it. I've trained my kids to not talk about anything academically at all, and pretty much to appear dumb. This forum is a great place to share with others with kids like ours, and to vent.

I'm so sorry you felt like that.

It's the same from me. There's no one who I can talk about it to, except DH. My parents are coming around and have a few questions but I can't really talk to other parents about it.

Thank you all for your replies. 99% of the time it doesn't bother me that much, but yesterday it just really got me riled.

I do feel very lucky to have DH and a couple of friends who are happy to listen about dd - I realise that isn't always the case for parents of gifted kids. Sometimes though I just kind of feel sadness and frustration at missing out on the 'normal' parenting experience (LOL - or what I romantically imagine that might be!)

Anyway, dd's humour and ideas and creativity all make up for it, but some days it would be nice to just blend in to the crowd.

My wife and I don't even notice it anymore. Most of our friends are suppoptive, and many have just accepted it as it is. A few make some comments but we tend to ignore it. The most recent is that DS8 has been out sick a lot this year, (More then he has in total over the last 3 years). So they say he must be stressed by the skip or subject acceleration, and I think "what stress, everything is still easy for him". I just keep quite and say, no he is doing fine with that, not sure why he's a little more sick? and leave it at that.

I had a similar situation happen to me today. I was specifically asked about dd, I answered. Not a short answer but definitely not long winded and then I was dismissed.
I feel you. Sometimes we just want to talk about our children like everyone else and be heard. I would never ask someone about their children and not try to ask a few questions about what was being said or comment positively or offer support. I guess we shouldn't need or want that because our children are bright?

Today, at a birthday party to which DS5 was invited, some moms wanted to compare notes. Three of them by chance have autistic kids, so much of the conversation centered around that.

I've found that the ease of deflecting questions varies with the intensity and agenda of the asker. I don't know which make me more uncomfortable: the ones who are really out to brag, or the ones who have noticed something about my son and want to somehow disprove what he is. Both come from insecurity, I know, but I just don't like drama.

Recently a mom from our sons' daycare invited DS1 over for a play date. She expressed (passively aggressively, not openly) disbelief in DS5's reading ability, and started quizzing him on stuff around the house. I find such stuff a mite ridiculous and more than a little annoying, especially because I think there are more early readers with every passing year, at least here in the U.S., and a lot of kids can read extensively by age 5 these days. Early reading doesn't make one out to be a genius, just like late reading doesn't imply the opposite.

I definitely sympathize with being painted into a corner. It's happened to me more than once. Sometimes I just reply with a direct refusal to engage-- "I find comparisons worthless, because kids are so different and I don't like reducing them to a set of statistics" or some such.

This really resonated - I too would always respond in a supportive way when someone told me about their children (particularly if I asked) - even if that person had an approach to parenting that might be different to my own. I think you've hit the nail on the head - that occasional lack of empathy is what I find so disheartening. Looking after kids is hard work, not matter what their abilities, surely there is some shared experience to be found in that.

It's been an interesting and, ultimately positive week. I've met a lot of parents at the school over the last few days. People have been asking where dd went to school last year and I have been honest (the principal was happy for me to be honest) - basically responding with 'it's a long story, but basically dd has started school in grade one', and then not expanding on the 'long story'. That seems to have worked well. Most people have just left it at that and then continued on with friendly conversation.

Lucounu, I think you're on to something with your comment about the agenda of the askers. What I have discovered is that the person I had spoken to when I initially posted has very bright children. From my small exposure to them, I'd guess possibly gifted themselves. I got the sense her children were seen as the bright sparks of their grade levels. I wonder if the awkwardness of the interaction (she was very adamant that dd was nothing unusual) was related to some concern that dd was a threat to that status. Lol - if that's the case she's welcome to hang on to it - Introverted me would rather hide in the background (hence my discomfort at not blending in with the crowd!)

Overall I would say that it is people who have a sense of worth invested in how their kids are perceived that get the most uncomfortable with dd. Those that have a more intrinsic sense of self just see her as another kid, who, like all kids, is unique in her own way.

I have often felt similarly.


I've decided that not everyone we meet can/will be able to meet our need to share about our children. That's just the way it is. Only some rare souls out there who aren't threatened or have some internal need for justification or superiority. I look forward to meeting these people.

We were watching late night Disney XD Spiderman cartoons, at Wyatt's request. �He asked, "what's spiderman's name? �I said, "Peter Parker," without thinking much of it until he said, "someone got a superhero costume. �Someone's inside it". I thought I was giving him a clue that superhero's have alter-egos, but Mr. Observation already knew. �I was watching the show too. �He ain't superman. �They don't show him changing clothes. �Granted he remembers Halloween so he knows about dress-up, but this is cartoons. �My mom says when little kids say stuff like that they got it from somewhere, they don't just come up with it. I just think he got it from watching the show. �I know that�feeling I get when she corrects everything I think I see. �I'm like, mom, I live with him. �I'll believe "my own lying eyes."
I think some people really think kids under a certain age don't really have thoughts of their own but are only parrots. �It's because she asks him leading questions on the phone and he answers back whatever she said, regardless of the facts. �She'll ask, "did you go to the store today?". And he'll start telling her about our shopping trip. �She thinks he only tells you whatever you've already told him. �I think, no. �He only tells YOu whatever you've already told him. �Even the hubby agrees, the boy just tells grandma what she wants to hear. �Strange that this is the same woman who caught flack from her friends for playing scrabble with me when I was in kindergarten. �Seems she'd be a little more open-minded. ��
I don't know about the mamma's on the playground because around here you usually bring your husband to talk to while the kids run around. �But we're not school-age yet.

I really agree - though I am lucky, as I mentioned. I have one good friend with her own (unidentified, despite my best efforts!) hg+ kids who gets my girl and the pros and cons that go with being the parent of such a kid. The rest who have been friendly have kindly humoured me, but don't really get it (not through any fault of their own, it's just a life that they don't have any experience of).

La Texian, I so get where you're coming from. I will never forget telling my mum I though dd was gifted and she dismissed me out of hand and, as you say, would insist that dd had picked up her ideas from somewhere else. As you mentioned, evidently my own 24/7 observations counted for nothing. My HG+ dad wasn't much better. He has come around to it, but still 'tests' dd. More recently dd's abilities have become much more obvious and he's had to concede she's out there. Mum moved a little way towards acceptance when she saw the test results, but basically told me dd had no chance of a happy life. Nice! Perhaps that's why I'm looking for acceptance where I can get it, lol

**Hey look, my first post**

I'm desperately seeking an IRL community of parents who I can casually chat with about my preschool-aged kid. While I haven't had any NEGATIVE responses (most people we interact with know me well enough to know that I'm not cramming information down the throat of a kid just to be "the mom of that little kid who's OMG WOW learning to read already."

I have gotten some odd looks, though, and some responses that make me think twice about sharing more. And then there's my own insecurity .

I've found, though, that I'm more likely to get these responses from fellow parents. A lot of our family friends are childless, and it's interesting that THEY are the ones who really notice how different DS is from other kids his age. It's great that he has this community of adults who *GET* him, but I often wish I had a community of parents who I could share as openly with.

I have one. Her son just started kindergarten and we've been chatting on FB. Too bad she lives thousands of miles away most of the year.

Welcome smacca to the forums!

What did you say that upset the other mother?

Are you in the US? If so, have you looked up your state's gifted association?
Have you eyeballed http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/conferences.htm

If you want to be brave, mention what general part of the country you live in,and we'll see if any of us knows someone.

Also OK to post a sign up in the local Library for Parent/Child book discussion group forming for 2-4 year olds with your contact info on it. Or a similar classified add in your local newspaper....Or ask you local librarian/pediatrician/accountant/dentist that if they ever run into any kids that 'remind' them of your kid, please to give your phone number.
Also look at any homeschooling local resources, as there are often folks homeschooling because they sense that their children would be a poor fit in age-ranked classrooms, so if they don't identify as gifted families, they well may be.

Smiles, and thanks for de-lurking,
Grinity

Southwest Alaska, Bethel to be exact. There aren't a whole lot of HS families in town, though there are a few. I know a few other families with gifted (or likely gifted... there really isn't a system in place for identifying or serving gifted kids in our school district. I know, because I work at the district office ) kids, but they're all much older. If any state organization exists, it's likely in Anchorage, which is a $400 (round trip) airplane ride away... in which case, I'd be talking to people online anyway. I know there's nothing in town because it's a verrrrrrrrry small town. My husband works at the library, I work for the school district... and that's about all there is as far as organizations that serve kids go.

We go back to the Lower 48 (WI specifically) in the summers, though, which is where I have more connections.

Well, I hate to say this, but odds are that in a town of <50,000 people, a parent of a EG or PG child isn't going to have much company.

(I should know.)

So a lot depends on just how different your child is from age-mates.

Some places that draw smarty-pants PARENTS reliably in very small towns include
libraries (though you've clearly got this one covered!)
chess/book clubs
quirky book or comics shops
hardware stores.


The U of A has a few programs for distance education, too.

Just some ideas to keep you thinking.


Have you checked out any tribal resources near you? I know that up there, outside of the cities, there is sometimes fluidity/crossover in terms of tribal and regional governmental resources for residents. Might be something to look into.

I have had family on the Kenai peninsula since the airbase was built, so I understand what you're saying about distances and travel up there. <waves hello>

Welcome and I've definitely experienced that too. We have a lot of intelligent single/childless friends from work and they'll even ask me point blank if something of the things DD is doing are not really unusual. Normally they then enjoy sharing stories from their own childhood and it's been a great way of getting ideas and sharing experiences.

As for OP. There are just some things I keep my mouth shut about. DD's languages skills are not extremely out there (advanced but not in the wow-she's-a-super-genius ballpark) so it's easier to stay under the radar. Now if they hand this kid a puzzle or can actually understand some of the things she's saying when it comes to animals or the human body that might be another thing. Thankfully that doesn't really come up ever in public!

And I have to say, it really saddens me that others have struggled so much to the point that they find the number of understanding parents in the minority. I have some friends I *think* I could talk to IRL if I felt the need but choose not to just to be on the safe side. Keep looking and I hope you guys have better luck on finding a kindred soul!

Oh, and just to add. DH and my parents all did the sort of eye-rolling-your-just-proud-first-time-parents-gig for a long time. However, after DD spent any set amount of time with them that stopped pretty quickly. Now it's hard to get them to keep their mouths shuts with their colleagues at work!

You aren't wrong. My DD has been able to make connections forever and is incredibly observant. Even her teachers have made comments about this and seem to think she will be a scientist. I fully believe it is because of this skill that the idea of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are challenged so early in their lives. BTW: sometimes I think it is easier not to argue the point. People want to see what that want to see and eventually your mother will come around.

Thank you Katelynsmom.
I couldn't argue if I wanted to, it would give me a headache. I have a three year old. I think all I do is argue, answer, explain myself, explain other stuff to him all day long. I am not going to do that for a grown up right now.
I like the frequent superficial conversations I'm with relatives lately now that I'm a mommy. It's different from the thought-spouting I always did before. But it feels cheesy and canned and beautiful like I wouldn't have guessed. I always missed something simple and magical I always saw everybody else had. Well, this is it. :)))
Which is another point. Mom says I shouldn't argue with him because it will make him think it's ok to argue with teachers. I don't think she's wrong. Luckily there's this forum with it's wealth of tips and tricks for parenting gifted children. The answer to that one was he gets two or three tokens per day that he can interrupt the class and bother the teacher with questions and opinions. And they said i had a habit of walking around the class and bothering everybody because my work was done all the time. The answer is either appropriate educational placement, squishy balls, or enrichment sent from home for the extra 3/4 of classwork time they always give you. Not sure what's going to happen but I feel secure from hanging out here.

My child is going to argue no matter what and especially if she fully believes she is in the right. I fully support her right to do so, so long as she makes solid arguments. It can't be "I want it because I do." or anything remotely like this. I have no problem changing my mind IF she is valid in her argument. I feel it helps them develop their higher order thinking skills.

Know how you feel. You try not to say much cause you don't want to make others feel bad but when you get asked a blunt question it is hard to beat around the bush. I have done the same and then ugh seen the reaction and wanted to take back what I just said. But, on the other hand why can't we be honest esp if we are asked.
I had a mother ask me how my son did on his report card.
So I hesitated thinking ok what do I say w/o sounding like a braggart. Had a long hesitation and then thought hmm now she will think he did bad cause I am pausing so I just said it
said he got all A+'s
And then I felt the daggers
So it's a no win situation.

My DD6 is not necessarily gifted, but fairly unique. She is just in a regular school system, but I experience similar problems.

I had the added issue of being a single father in a very small town. The only time my DD was ever invited for a play date was the one day her mom took her to school. When I phoned the mom later, she said she would call back when it was a good time, but I never heard from her again.

When I checked out the parenting group, it turned out to be nothing more than an exclusive subset of moms, who had a formerly established social relationship. It wouldn't have been my style anyway as they basically got together, sent the children off the play away from them and then conversed without any interest in the children. The children are meant to be seen and not heard types. In my family, children are thought of as people, not lower class citizens.

I would categorize the issues affecting my ability to provide a social experience for my child are my gender, being far older than most with a DD6, being an overly attentive parent and being a person with atypical interests. I am not one to make people feel bad about being less of a parent, to talk about my child (although I involve her in everything I do) or even exclude people based on often considered negative lifestyles (won't involve myself in this part).

Personally, being able to talk about my child is the least of my problems. I just want her to have the same social opportunities as other children. Now that she is in school, she is at least getting some social contact with children. So the problem is not as big a deal now.

How well we can communicate with another person is affected by so many factors, not just the words we speak. Some take a long time to warm up to new people, others seem to need some way to feel tied to another, some make class level judgements or maybe even chemistry is involved. Just thought I would throw out my experience. Interesting to see these issues happen to others for different reasons.