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Had a conversation with my college roommate last night. She teaches high school and she was commented how incompetent kids have become at simple tasks.

She said that they cannot do for themselves because parents are always doing for them. It made me think. She mentioned as an example that a child asked for something and she told them it was in a certain drawer, he came back and said it wasn't, she said yes it was, and again same thing. She went over to the drawer -- which he had only pulled out halfway and pulled it out further and showed him the item. She said things like that happen frequently and never happened 10 years ago. It is like children are so coddled and never have a chance to truly fend for themselves and figure it out.

As much as Americans talk about the ingenuity of Americans, yet creativity quotients are declining, perhaps parents are to blame for destroying their children's ingenuity.

It made me think I do too much and let DD fend more for herself in doing stuff. Though it would take forever to get out the door in the morning for school. But I know my mother did not get me out the door for school by 1st grade. I did it myself and I went to school -- down the path, with other kids in the neighborhood.

Anyway, it made me think so I posted.

Ren

Reminds me of the 1st grade teacher that explained your child has legs and can walk at the parent orientation, (I carried DS8 then 6 around somewhat on the inital walk through)He also was a very strong promoter of them doing for themsleves, he cautioned us not to follow up on thier assigments and was a big supporter of natural consciquences. My DW has worked as an aid in a K class and mentioned how much more independent the children where when the parents are not their.

Funny, DH and I had a very similar conversation just this past weekend. We were attending a sporting event for DC, and arrived an hour early for set up. We looked around the gym, and virtually all the set up was being done by parents, while the children/participants were sitting in the stands watching. This is a sport that includes elementary through middle schoolers. There was no reason at all that these kids couldn't have helped.

So, DH and I got into a conversation about why this was, and we looked hard at our own lives. I am embarassed to tell you what we saw. Why are we cleaning the house, while DC are drawing/reading/playing? Answer: because it's easier to just do it ourselves, and because we haven't allowed the kids to learn the skills to do the jobs well/safely. (ouch!) Not that the kids don't have a few chores, but DH and I do most of the major housework.

Why does DS9 need our help with his in-class presentation preparation? Answer: He doesn't, but we seem to always feel the need to help and give advice. (ack!)

So, here is the direction I plan to give DS9 tonight about his upcoming in-class presentation. "You will be doing the rest of your project on your own. If there's something you don't know how to do (e.g., enlarging the diagrams from his source book on our not-so-friendly printer), let us know and we'll show you how. I do not plan to buy another display board, so be sure that you are careful with this one. If you need additional supplies, give Dad/I at least a few days' notice. We will not rush out to the store at the last minute for something. I suggest you get started early enough so that if you have questions, you will be able to ask your teacher about them."

We see that we are part of this global problem. I'm hoping this is a turning point in our lives. Anyone else guilty of this around here? Or is it just us?

Guilty!!! And we were also discussing these things this weekend... DC can't fold exactly like I like clothes to be folded (or hung), but they know where the tshirt drawer is and how to match up their socks! Yet I do it for them.

DS7 gets dressed for school every morning by himself, but on the weekends or at night, DH or I help him put his PJs or clothes on... some of it may be being guilty over working and not being home as much as maybe my parents were, but I, like Ren, walked to first grade with the crowd... these days aren't as safe as back then, but still!

Thank you for this thread!!! How liberating it feels to have this light bulb go off in my head!

For some reason, when DS turned 8 in December, he decided he was grown up. He got rid of a bug in the bathroom on his own, he threw away his "blankie" and he informed me that he was going to be on his own in 10 years. Many things I ask him now are answered by, "Mom, I'm 8 now, come on!"

So, I am guilty of pampering my son...but I am going to ride the wave of his independence and stop myself. (If I can...!)

Nan

This is something I feel quite strongly about. I read a lot on Montessori and it fits in nicely with my natural inclination towards benign neglect.

But even though I feel strongly about it and very much try to make my children as capable as I can, I still find myself slipping and doing things myself because it's quicker and easier. My three year old still makes me pour drinks for him, when DD was self-sufficient for drinks at his age. I think I need to have smaller containers in the fridge so they're not heavy.

It's not a common philosophy, though. At preschool people are still pouring drinks at snack time for FOUR year olds!


Me too! I'm so picky about how things are placed in the drawers, but I need to let that go if I'm going to teach my kids how to be competent self assured adults and not end up as the mother who's calling the law firm to find out why my kid didn't get the job..

According to their website, Habitat for Humanity allows volunteers as young as 16 to work on homes. I imagine kids would have an easier entree if their parents were regular volunteers. Seems inappropriate to try and spring a completely inexperienced 16 y.o. on a group of other volunteers.

Just an FYI for those with older kids.

We went the Montessori route as well, but it's a battle to stay on track. I was very gung ho when the kids were young but then slacked off. Although it's only now (at ages 8 and 9) that they are physically capable of doing many things.

I do think that it is much harder to raise a physically competant child than it was a generation ago. We are more automobile dependent, children may not be allowed to navigate public transportation on their own, adults outsource more physical tasks...

I've worked on a few Habitat builds and it was a great experience. I will continue to do so. I would love to have a garden, but I think that will have to wait a few years. Don't know if my kids will ever learn to work on a car because I don't know how and community college classes usually have minimum ages. We will likely be moving to a smaller home in the near future and I think that in a more manageble place the kids will be able to contribute a much greater portion of the work needed to run a household. Haven't given it much thought for my family, but attending classes and training a dog can also be a great instiller of competance.

Taking part in any aspect of the food prep cycle is a huge one. I am doing an adequate at best job in that area. I would love to hear from those who have their kids very involved in gardening, food shopping, cooking, clean up, etc.

I thought the same thing, and then I asked myself -- isn't that exactly what we're talking about here? Why is it inappropriate to spring a completely inexperienced 16yo on a group of volunteers? I am not 16, but would also be COMPLETELY inexperienced from a building a house kind of perspective. How's it different?

JS, I really hope you don't take offense. I mean it only as food for thought.

Just to add, and again, not to offend. I had my first real job (other than babysitting) at age 14. It was the legal work age then. I remember moving up to the job(s) that a 16 year old can do and being so excited - one job was as a fryer, and the other, eventually, was working at McDs. I was inexperienced at both jobs, but was trained by staff and other workers.

And as someone who has lived and has family in the birthplace of Habitat, it's probably one of the best organizations to gain those skills. People who receive those homes have to work on them as well, and 90% have no house building, painting, hammering skills. They won't give a 16 year old circular saw duties right off the bat, but they will throw a shovel or paint brush in his/her hands. Even if a new skill isn't learned, it teaches volunteerism, pride, accomplishment, work ethic, etc...

I wish they actually took volunteers earlier. I would love for DC to be a part of that!

Edited to add: Not all the people on a HH build are volunteers. While most are, they do have a paid/experienced "foreman".

They organize the builds into different weeks as well. They have builders one week, painters the next, gardeners the following, etc...

Uh oh... I still pour for my 5 & 7 year olds... granted, DS7 can do it himself, but DD5 is extremely careless. They do get their own snacks, make their own sandwiches and can fix their own plates at dinner if need be... but yeah, now I really have to go reevaluate.

I won't even discuss the bathroom issue then.