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The temper tantrums/emotional meltdowns are escalating. Ds is melting down more frequently, often multiple times per day. In fact, some days, it's multiple times per hour! Sometimes it's related to perfectionsim and easy frustration, but now he's starting to exhibit the same behavior when he doesn't get his way, during transitions, and when he's trying to get out of something he doesn't want to do.

The worst part is that he's started hitting himself (in the head) and saying things like, "I'm always bad," "I don't even like myself," "I'm the worst kid in the world," or "I can't do anything right." He is good at manipulating (my little lawyer in the making), so I'm not sure if he's just trying to get sympathy or if he really feels this way. It's obviously concerning because I'd hate to think he really believes these negative comments.

It's a vicious cycle because he throws a tantrum, says hateful things, and then he feels bad about himself for doing it and has another meltdown because of his poor choices. There are days where he just doesn't seem to be able to get it together-it's one problem after another and constant negativity. Then there are days when everything is perfect, and I think, "Oh thank God, my sweet little guy hasn't gone anywhere!"

On a positive note, when we visit the Montessori school and other classes in the community, I don't see these behaviors. If they begin to rear their ugly head, he can reel it in quite well and pretty quickly, and we only see it when he's having difficulty with something (perfectionism for sure). He definitely doesn't act out because he's not getting his way unless he is with dh and I or my parents. I honestly do not feel that we give in to these tantrums, nor do we reinforce them in any way that I can see.

Do you think counseling would benefit him? Is this something he'll just grow out of? Is he going to grow up with a horrible self-image? It's been one of those weeks (3 days of this in a row!!!).

Thanks,
Jen

Omigosh, my daughter EXCELLED at temper tantrums at age 6! Sometimes, I was sure the condo neighbors were going to call Child Protective Services on us! She would hit walls, kick floors, bang her head on the arms of the sofa, and scream repetitively at the top of her voice.

One of her very favorite tricks was to refuse dinner and then have a meltdown at bedtime because she was hungry. She would, in temper tantrum voice, say litigous things like "you are REQUIRED to feed me as my parents. Give me food now!" Even with the threat of CPS being called, we didn't give in because we needed the three-meals structure in our lives and she was trying to manipulate us out of it. (I know other parents here might have handled this differently; I don't know if I did the right thing or not...)

She also said things like your son is saying about her own self worth. She doesn't seem to have any intensity issues at school or church.

I can't say that she has grown out of it per se, but her expression of intense emotions have matured. Now she skulks and fumes instead.

With both the tantrums and the fuming, we have used deep-breathing and other calming practices and we've also given her "time out," not so much as a punishment but just so she could cool off. Cooling off periods have been necessary for her since toddlerhood.

She goes through cycles of calm/happy and intense/moody. Her intense periods seem to coincide with growth spurts.

FWIW, my mom swears I started having PMS at age 7. :-)

We have adjusted our "normal" to fit our daughter and worked through it and haven't sought counseling. Finances and access to mental health insurance have played a role in our decision. But I think counseling could only help, if the therapist were experienced with gifted people. My own time in therapy as a young adult was very, very useful to me.

-Shannon

I don't think counseling could hurt, especially if you're lucky enough to find someone familiar with gifted kids. If your son knows enough not to throw tantrums at the school, then there must be either some deterrent there that is not present at home or some benefit at home that is not present at school. It may turn out to be that he feels safe enough at home to release the pressure valve, in which case you can work out different ways for him to achieve the same result.

I sympathize; it's hard to hear your kid talk that way.

I did ask ds6 why he thinks he is able to control his frustration at school or when he's with friends, and after thinking about it for a few minutes, he said he had two reasons:

1. When he's at school ("a non-boring school" that is) he is busy and working with others, and he doesn't have so much time where he has nothing to do. If he has down-time, he's bored and then gets upset.

2. If he acts like that in front of his friends, they might not like him anymore.

Well, thank goodness he can understand that it's not socially appropriate to act that way! And, good grief, how much more can I do to keep the little prince entertained? We are working on his independence, and he's getting better at entertaining/occupying himself. We have plenty of academic and non-academic activities, toys, and games around here, but he still wants someone with him at all times if possible. It does reinforce the fact that a consistent schedule is important for him. I need to get better about making sure we are following it closely. I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of person, so it's hard for me to keep to a schedule. I think it's more necessary for him than I realized.

BTW, great afternoon after a terrible 3 days. Go figure.

I'm considering the counseling, but I'll definitely take to heart the advice of finding a counselor with gifted experience. Thanks!

This describes my DS4. Boredom is a big No No for him and he thrives on a schedule. He doesn't have meltdowns if he is busy if he is not he is all over the place. On school days he is a perfect boy at home, on non school days we have to make sure that he is doing something constructive or creative.

Does you son like science or art? We have found that thats the best way to keep his mind occupied.

I'm sorry to hear about the tantrums. Our gifted DS7 had his share of tantrums prior to becoming a homeschooler. It seems that after we started homeschooling, we were able to "hug" and rationalize our way out most problems.

However, he wasn't the worst tantrum thrower in the family! Our worst was our DS6, who became our son at 15 months. From the day he entered our house, he threw tantrums that would last 5 hours or more. (Sadly, this is not an exaggeration.) He exhibited all the behaviors you listed, plus a few more! To solve this problem, we used more tough love. I can happily report that we rarely see these tantrums anymore.

With child #1, lots of love, encouragement and common sense seemed to work. With child #2, lots of jumping jacks, laps around the yard, deep breathing, and leg/back massage seemed to work. Neither were easy on us as parents. #1 was emotionally draining because we absorbed the pain, and #2 was emotionally draining because we had to appear aloof and seek inner resolve to make it through the consequence.

I hope you can find the right thing for your son. I can't imagine that you could go wrong, because it's obvious you care deeply!

It sounds like anxiety. "He wants someone with him at all times if possible." Throwing the tantrums accomplishes this attention in a strange sort of way.

Fortunately, if it is anxiety a predictable routine, not necessarily a schedule, can be help some. Do you have him using a calendar?

Some people can get better with counseling, some with a holistic approach, and some need medication.

We thought counseling/support for the parent was helpful. I didn't find it particularly helpful to the child; even though my child is impressively verbal, and it was considered an appropriate intervention given the circumstances despite the young age, overall it didn't help.

The child sometimes had the counselor hoodwinked with exaggeration of anything they wanted to hear more about in regards to feelings. I hate to say that they were experienced with gifted, (but I'm not so sure about the PG). In the long run it was not a good use of our resources. (But I'm sure there are parents out there found it useful or found the perfect counselor for their child.) We ended up using a few interventions, eventually trying a different route with nutritional supplements; programs that involve computer training; everyday exercise; self help books, and so on. The effect was quicker and more palpable.

For what it's worth, DS seemed to take a long time to be comfortable being alone; he was probably 5 before he could even manage to go 10 minutes without calling for one of us or coming to find us. I don't think it was an anxiety issue. I think he just prefers company and/or an audience.

One thing that really helped us a lot was getting him a CD player and several CDs with stories (Greek legends, King Arthur, etc.). He plays these over and over again, often at a low volume, which makes me think he just likes the comfort of a human voice - like white noise but with gory imagery. He can be by himself for hours now with just occasional check-ins.

As an aside, I also think the CDs - whether stories or music - keep some segment of his brain occupied, which then allows the rest of his brain to focus better on the task at hand. I wonder if it would be helpful to your DS to have music playing while he does his schoolwork.

This sounds JUST like my DD. We did try counseling 9for issues related to anxiety when she was 4) and that was WORTHLESS! Every idea they offered, I had already tried. After going 4 times and realizing I was paying each time for advice, I already tried, we went at it alone. I can tell you that I have done a LOT of reading. DD is highly intense (she is textbook Dabrowski's theory of over-excitabilities). Like your son, she only does it at home. She knows it is not socially appropriate etc. One thing, that one of my friends who has a GT child as well was told from a counselor her DD was seeing was to follow the same diet that ADHD kids are recommended to try. Basically, we monitor her sugar intake BIG TIME! I can tell you that it has REALLY changed these crazy outbursts! With Halloween just being here, she turned back to her old ways with the candy being around. So much that SHE even noticed it when I pointed it out, and asked me to get rid of it for her! I know it sounds crazy, but it's worth a shot. She was a different child within about a week of cutting her sugar WAY OUT. When she does have it when she goes to a party or what not... it's like 3 days that we know it will be out of her system (I know it doesn't take that long, but she really seems to be affected by it that long.) If you do go the route of counseling, please find someone skilled in gifted kids. I think that was part of our problem, but really, wroking it out on our own worked. We devised a series of "coping skills" for when these outbursts happened. The MAIN thing, for me, was to remain calm. I used to get so upset because she was being so irrational, that it was her strong-willed personality battling mine, that it was a no win situation. I found that speaking very calmly calmed her down. She may be angry for a short bit while I am doing it because you turn emoitions off THAT quickly, but she soon realized she could calm down too. We did deep breathes and that helped tremendously. Now, she just says.... I think I need a hug, because that was one of the things we talked about as a resolution. Never try to have a discussion when the child's emotions are flaring like that. Wait til it all calms down and then discuss it. Now, I tell her she isn't making good choices and that usually ends it with "I'm sorry... can I start over." I never thought it would work but the diet played a HUGE role in the length and frequency of these outbursts! HTH!

joys-yes, my son loves both science and art. I find science to be a difficult subject to homeschool b/c it's not my favorite! I am working on trying to find something that is interesting and fun. Mostly it bores both of us to death which tells me I'm not doing the right thing. He LOVES science, so it's not the subject matter; it's the presentation I'm sure! Any suggestions? He wants to try some of the Lego educational products, but he's also interested in chemistry.

Movingup6-How old is child #2 now? About a year and a half ago, we saw this same escalation of tantrums and major frustration. We implemented the 5 minute rule. We'd say, "5 minutes." Then for 5 minutes we would completely ignore him. At first he'd hang on our legs, scream, cry and we'd pretend he was nothing more than a fly. It was pretty funny walking around with a child on your leg and pretending he wasn't there! Pretty soon, he'd go to his room, and scream and cry. After five minutes, only if he'd calmed down, we'd go in and have a conversation. Not long after that, as soon as we'd say "5 min" he'd go straight to his room and stop screaming/crying before he even shut the dooor. Then, the tantrums stopped altogether. Now, here we are again. Dh thinks we should just begin the same "5 min" rule again.

eamsnova-Ds wants someone with him all the time, for sure! I always thought it was because he had a personal nanny who was like a grandmother from the time he was 9 mos old until he was 4. She even lived with us for a while. Not to mention, I read all the lovely attachment parenting books before I gave birth and tried to follow them to a tee. He slept with me until he was 3. He breastfed on demand (no schedule). The list goes on. Suffice it to say, I personally wouldn't recommend that method to anyone!

Also, my parents are very involved, and they and the nanny have always given him undivided attention. I just thought he never learned to be alone, and maybe that's true. But, we've been working on that for a long time, and he still struggles with it. Maybe he is feeling anxiety; is it enough to just continue to work on doing things for himself? If I get a phone call, he finds something to have a meltdown over. If I'm in the shower, same thing. Even in the car, he freaks out if I just want to listen to music and not play a game with him. He is even reluctant to make a decision for himself (perfectionism), yet he has an opinion on anything and will argue that the sky is really green until he's blue in the face. I'm exhausted trying to keep him occupied.

We do use a calendar, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not the best at following any kind of routine or schedule. I'm organized but not schedule oriented. I try to do it for him, but it's a struggle. Since we're homeschooling, we seem to have a lot of free time. That's our downfall. He can't have downtime; he doesn't know what to do with himself. Shouldn't he be able to entertain himself for a little while playing in his room or even right next to me now that he's 6?

As for the counseling, I could definitely see ds wrapping the therapist around his little finger. He's very good at saying what he thinks people want to hear. He can rationalize anything and verbalize understanding about his feelings and whether his behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate. The problem is, when he gets frustrated, all reason goes out the window and he is just a little ball of feelings. Whatever he is feeling at that moment consumes him.

I guess I just went on and on as usual! I feel like I am complaining about ds on her all the time! He's a wonderful person with a great heart; I just want so badly for him to be a well balanced happy kid.

Thanks again!
Jen
I do notice that exercise makes a huge difference too.