Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy A frustrated parent: Challenging a gifted child

This is a bit long -- even by my standards -- so please, grab a cup of coffee and bear with me.

---------

We're meeting with our DS7's 4th grade teacher next week for our annual "Can we please work together to challenge our son" conversation that is always such a joyous experience.

We've had this talk at the beginning of each year since he started school. But somehow I've not been terribly effective in getting my point across, as he's continued to essentially coast through every year so far.

And I'm already beginning to see some warning signs.

---------

In reading through stories of other adult gifties on the internet, I came across a poignant recollection that could have been pulled from my own journal -- applying to both my son and myself:


I've never really been able to verbalize what has been bothering me all these years, but after reading this story, the proverbial light bulb popped over my head.

Things were almost always too easy... I was rarely, if ever, challenged during school. I'd been allowed to skip along without ever breaking a sweat, or cracking a text book.

This didn't bother me a bit in school. I really did enjoy every single year, never feeling bored enough to complain about it. (I was quite active in extracurriculars and student gov't, which helped guard against boredom.)

But immediately upon entering college -- before classes ever got difficult -- I realized how horribly unprepared I was.

Studying? What's that? Take notes? Are you high?

I figured that everyone else was as truly shocked as I was, so I muddled along best I could without complaining. I ended up dropping out within several months after a distressful first round of final exams. All of my academic efforts had led to that singular moment -- I became a quitter.

----------

And then I came across the above passage a few years back. I immediately copied it to my journal. And was finally able to put into words what I wanted for my son: appropriate challenges.

He needs to learn what hard academic work entails. He needs to fight with a shiny new concept -- even struggle with it -- and push his way over the hump to an understanding.

He needs to learn tenacity, perseverance, doggedness.

He needs to learn that he's not going to wake up every day already knowing the answers. That he's not going to sit down at the piano and be able learn a piece without any frustration. That he's not always going to blaze through a full year of math in less than 30 days. He needs to miss some spelling words, and *gasp* maybe even fail a test or two. And learn from it.

Despite all my best efforts with his teachers, he's managed to get through his first four years of school without ever once being truly stumped. As a result, he's been conditioned to think that everything is going to be a *snap*. That no effort is necessary. That this is as hard as it gets.

And if I let this continue, I fear that he will find himself several years from now in the same position I was in. If that happens, I will be largely, if not fully responsible.

----------

Other than a couple of logic puzzles given as a time-filler one week in 2nd grade, the closest thing to a "challenge" for him at school has been 2-digit long division. And it was only "challenging" because he thought he should be able to do it entirely in his head (which he couldn't) and he was genuinely insulted that he should have to actually write down some work in order to get an answer. That's it -- that's the very pinnacle of academic difficulty he's encountered.

But when I approach a teacher explaining that he needs to be challenged in class, they always give me "that" look. "He already works hard," they say. "He has fun," they add. "He doesn't complain about being bored."

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T COMPLAIN! He's having too much fun! He gets to read for much of the day and pester his neighbors!

When I told them that he'd already mastered the 4th grade math concepts, and that he's solid on a majority of the 5th grade math, and then requested that they compact 5th & 6th grade math (or more) this year... well... you know. They weren't smiling.

"Quit trying to push him... he's only in 4th Grade. Let him enjoy himself."

And one counselor even popped in with the classic, "Besides, if he finishes 5th & 6th grade math this year, what will he do for the next two years?" ARGGHHH!!!

And here I sit. Wanting only to challenge him... maybe even PUSH him a little. But I am woefully unable to do it on my own.

Yeah -- having one of these gifties around is really a gosh-darned walk in the park, isn't it?.

I'm truly sorry for unloading like this, but I'm just stuck.

Dandy thank you very much for your amazing post.....you stated EXACTLY what we have been trying to tell my DS6's school/teacher with our first attempt in public school.....you summed up exactly what we are SO worried about- everything comes so easily to him and they are refusing to challenge him at all at school...I would love to print out your post and show it to everyone and say - SEE, I am NOT the only parent who has this same worry! Thanks so much for sharing!!!

I get further by using the word "lazy" instead of "challenged. "Challenged" is a bit overused and I am not sure that everyone who is not gifted truly understands the word. "Lazy" seems to strike a chord.

I am supplementing with Latin, which is different and complicated. She still learns it fairly fast, but it isn't immediate. There are subjects like that out there that take time to master.

THANK YOU for posting that! Seriously, I feel like I'm there right now in my life. I think this really is how I feel about my career because I've done the stuff that was easy enough for me and now I'm just woefully unprepared to break up a larger project into small tasks and get too it. I'm a HORRIBLE procrastinator because even in college I could get by just fine by putting of stuff until the last minute and still get the top grade. Now I'm just stuck and am trying to learn those study skills that I should've learned a long time ago.

Good for you for fighting for your son! I hope you are able to work something out with his school.

I had plans to start Latin this summer with grandson, but changed my plans when he immersed himself in Greek mythology. I expanded the fascination for Greek mythology to include reading about Greek philosophers, mathmeticians, etc. And last week we(yes, we!) started to learn Koine Greek. Learning Greek is helping him with his handwriting and perseverance.

My DS is in the same boat, and what you wrote about the piano totally hits home. He'll put off a new challenging piece because it takes work, and he's never really had to put effort into anything. The thing is, he'll only have to put minimal effort into the piece, maybe just start out playing it slowly instead of trying to attack it full speed, but he wants it to be perfect/easy the first time he plays it.

As for school, we did the grade skip, we added acceleration but he was still sitting reading books at his desk most of the day. The school just wasn't working for us, so I quit my job and pulled him out mid-year to start cyberschooling, something I never imagined myself doing. We battled the first 2 months, and when I asked him if he behaved this way in school to his teacher his reply was "No, things weren't this difficult in school". So, he's being more challenged but I'm taking the brunt of his frustrations of having to actually put in some effort and work.

Outside of school, I'd definitely say he's a lazy kid. When he wants a new Lego, we'll tell him he needs to earn $ by doing chores. His reply will usually be that he'll ask for it for his birthday or Christmas. It's difficult because many times I'm wondering if he's resisting his schoolwork because it's hard or because he's being lazy?

I think we're taking a walk in the same park!

Yes, yes, yes! This is myself and this is my child. In fact, today I am meeting with our homeschool coordinator to see about partially homeschooling my son in Language Arts but allowing him to do the reading etc. during the school day when his classmates are doing their L/A. This is my first time trying to get his curriculum changed to a serious degree (he was grade skipped once already) and my MAIN reason is not so he learns 10th grade material but so he learns to work, study, meet and conquer and yes feel some sense of failure and learn how to move through it and at the end feel the sense of accomplishment that comes from perseverence and not the glib satisfaction of a job easily done.
So many Gifted kids turn out to be underachieving adults for this reason. A great mind is a terrible thing to waste. :-) Why does the educational system insist on doing just that?

Dandy, your story, the entry you quoted... me to a T!!!! I grabbed a tissue after reading this - like finally! I see the light. I see the reasons behind all my struggles, AND I see the reasons to continue to push forward with my DS5.5. I really do not want him to become the quitter I have because he wasn't challenged, because things were easy, etc... and while I have no problems with accountants, he doesn't need to become one b/c he decided to quit on his dreams when what didn't come naturally easy to him slapped him in the face years down the line.

I have no advice, no words of wisdom, but wanted to ensure you that you are not alone in this, and to continue to push for your child's needs!

I want to add my "thank you" to the list. We've been homeschooling our son for the last 2 years which is HUGELY better than the PS option, but he hasn't been really challenged at ANYTHING.

*sigh*

your journal post was certainly me when I hit college. I wasn't prepared for any kind of rigorous work.

Bravo, Dandy!

I feel like I just looked in the mirror. I dread that my DC will have inherited the lazy gene from me and not the ambitious one from DH and no school will push enough to make them see that working hard actually has amazing rewards.

In fact, why am I playing around on the computer? Should be working . . .