Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "They said I was 'Weird'!

Ah, so it comes out! She told me, on Monday, that she had to wait until she was 5 to read. I asked her why. I reminded her that she already *could* read and had just the previous day been reading a book in one of her favorite series. It was like she had a mini panic attack; I don't know how else to describe it. She shut down.

Finally, she told me that the kids in her preschool had told her that she she was weird for being able to read and even weirder for liking to read. She said they stuck their tongues out at her and refused to play with her. I asked her what the teachers did, she said the teachers told the other kids to stop, but then they just got madder because she tattled. She said, "Even Grandma doesn't think I should read! She told me; I remember!" She hasn't been in preschool for over a year now and her grandmother's comment was from about three years ago!

I spoke with her dad/my husband about it and he blew it off and said, "It's not uncommon for kids to table something that they are comfortable with to work on something else." I agree kids do that all the time, heck even adults do it depending on the tasks/skills, etc. involved, but that's not the issue here. The problem is that she is admitting to feeling like she cannot be herself and as a result is actively hiding her abilities.

She's making herself feel sick because she says she feels so nervous sometimes. She wants to be herself, but goes along even if she doesn't like something (unenjoyable for her or feels "wrong" in a moral sense) because she "[doesn't] want there to be something wrong with [her] like other people say there is".

She feels that if she waits until she's 5 to read that people will be more accepting of her, but that it's hard because she really wants to read and do the other things that she enjoys. She says it makes her feel bad -"sick sometimes"; it's wrong to lie. That's what she told me "It's wrong to lie", but she feels like she has to lie about herself.

I'm so scared for her! She has locked onto the idea turning 5 will be magical in that people will suddenly be accepting of all the things she can do. I truly, most emphatically hope that is the case! But what if it isn't? What will happen if she reaches that threshold and crosses it and people are just as cruel as ever? What will it do to her?

I'm worried sick. I don't know what to do. This sucks. I HATE IT!

It does suck.

Sounds like you know she needs to work with you or someone else on what turning 5 will mean. Kids/adults can be cruel. Working on a few responses might help. Could you arrange for more exposure to people who get her/gt kids?...

Gah. Have you talked to the preschool staff about this? I think if they're worth their salt they'll be able to deal with this, e.g. by talking explicitly to the children about how different people are ready to do different things at different ages and that's OK! It's more than just "don't be rude to your friend" at stake, it's acceptance of individual difference.

This was never an issue at C's preschool - I remember other kids commenting on C being able to read, but never in a nasty way. When he started school, one of the things his teacher did in the early days was to ask all the children what they thought would be good about learning to read, and they all (with help!) completed a sentence about it. Colin's was "because when you want a story but nobody wants to read it to you, you can read it yourself"!

This is nearly exactly the same story that happened to my DS. He started reading just after he turned 4. Someone popped off at school and asked him if he was memorizing books because 4 year olds can't read. He totally internalized that and literally refused to read until his 5th birthday. Then he just exploded with reading. We had tried to talk to him, encourage him, beg and bribe him but nothing worked. He would say "I can't read until I'm 5" over and over.

He also has had some anxiety issues. We had to bandaid his fingers after he had dug into his nails so badly, they were bleeding in the middle of the nail. Mostly, we just try to talk to him that everyone is different and point out that some of his friends are much better at running/hitting/biking etc and he just happens to be really good at math and reading. We say that everyone has a "thing" and this is his "thing". It seems to have helped him not compare himself to others as much and he's slowly learning not to internalize others' nasty comments. I tell him "they're just jealous because they don't know what their thing is!"

Unfortunately, we don't know many people who really understand her. We do have friends who see her as a fun kid and have no expectations of what kids are "supposed" to be like - they don't have any kids of their own, yet. But we don't see them very often. It would be nice if we did, because they don't know that playing board games like scrabble with (nearly) 5 year old and having her be able to hold her own without assistance (and help her younger brother) is *odd.

But there aren't many other people or people with kids her age that "get" her. There is one other family where I am pretty sure the mom has an idea re: Boo's abilities, but I am not sure how much. Not that she has to know how advanced Boo is, exactly. I'm just always a bit worried in the back of my mind about accidently crossing some invisible line. Kwim? The mom has a child that both my kids are friends with and the three of them get along wonderfully. Still the boys are thick as theives and Boo has expressed feeling left out a bit, at times. Not that I think she has to be "in" at all times, but she wants someone to memorize lines in a book to adapt into a play, for example, and the "boy stuff" (as she puts it) is fun but not quite what she's pining for. It may just be a gender thing; I don't really know.

We only just found out about what the other kids said re: her reading, etc. very recently, and we pulled her out of preschool after the parent-teacher conference where the teacher tried to convince us that she'd "just have to learn to be bored". I agree that "acceptance of individual difference" is at stake; had I known that it had happened when it did, I would have addressed it. Now, it's all about helping her move forward, since clearly she is still bothered by the incidents. I say, "incidents" plural because she indicated that it happened on several occassions.

I wish the school would have contacted me. I don't know if it's typical for a school or teacher to *not* say something about it or write me note. And if they didn't know it was occurring, which is possible given that they didn't know that my daughter was allowing kids to bully her into pouring sand onto her hair ("They said they wouldn't play with me, unless I let them do stuff to me") to gain acceptance. There were other similar things, but usually only happened once or twice and then another *tactic was used. I had to bring it to the school's attention, the response was always, "we had no idea". I find that surprising, since there were 4 teachers in her class and about 5 students to teacher - less when you count the student teachers and volunteers, etc. that were there almost daily.

"Gah" is spot on in this case. It's a very highly rated preschool, too. So I was quite surprised and more than a little disappointed.

My son was/is advanced - advanced intellectuually (not reading, but in understanding and grasp of things - Shakespeare, Einstein and things like that). We had the whole thing with bullying by pupils AND STAFF, and we waited far too long. We finally took him out of the school at age 9 (he has 2 more years before high school)
The school had no intention of helping him, he was just a bother, and besides there were loads of other kids to be attended to. Do not let this happen to your little one! If the school can't cater for them, their uniqueness, then it is not a place to put your precious child. Take them out NOW.

We have had to put our son in a private school, and it costs an arm and a leg, and it is against all my principles but at last he is making progress, he is catered for and we have, at last, some peace in our lives.

Oh, that sounds just awful!!!

Less negative exposure is a good thing, too. I know it can take a while to help kids find a fit but that bullying is just completely unacceptable, good decision on switching gears for your girl!
Hopefully the pull out will show her that behavior/bullying is not something to put up with. (not to say she should be expected to stand up so young, but I hope it helps her feel better about her feelings, what is right vs. 'normal', etc)

Sorry, I see I misread. To validate what you said: no, I do not think it's normal that the preschool wasn't talking to you about it and dealing with it themselves, and I'm gobsmacked at "she'll just have to learn to be bored" re a preschooler! Sounds as though she's well out of there.

I wonder, is there something she would enjoy that would have her be around other kids and have her difference not be an issue? Not need to be hidden, just not come up? Swimming lessons? Playground meet-ups? I know, our kids tend to stand out at least to adult ears because of the way they talk, but at least if the environment were not facilitating intellectual comparison or evaluation, that might be a relatively easy way to get her experiences of being accepted for who she is? One thing I've been noticing the last couple of weeks is how much my DS5 has enjoyed his holiday "multi-sports week". Admittedly he's been reading a book instead of watching cartoons ("they're too scary") and setting the staff chemistry challenges, but by and large it's been a good normality experience for him, I think! It helped that it was very mixed-age, too, so no two of the kids there are all that similar.

We pulled her out. She was only there for a little less than two semesters. Now, we homeschool.