Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "tired of being me"

On the way home yesterday my DS4 and I were talking about preschool. Then my fairly happy little guy says "I'm tired of being me" I asked him what he meant by that and he just repeated it. When I asked again he said "I already said what I meant, I just don't want to talk about it anymore" He later said he didn't want to be himself, but also didn't want to be anyone else. I think he is starting to feel different but doesn't get it. We have had talks before about how people are different, and learn different, and how brains work differently, etc. He generally has a very healthy self-esteem and seems to feel good about life in general. It just breaks my heart to hear. I am a social worker, so I have heard this from other children before who are going through difficult things...but to hear it from my own child that really doesn't at all seem depressed is not something I am used to. Any thoughts or suggestions on this?

Oh shellymos, how sad! Your little guy has always sounded like such a great kid to me--I love when you tell stories about the things he does!

It doesn't sound like he wants to talk about it much right now--is there a "stealth" way you could find to support him/find out what happened, like reading him some books about other outside-the-box kinds of kids? (I'm sorry, I'm groping here--I'm not in one of the helping professions, I'm just a flute player!) Others will surely have better suggestions, but maybe this might be a start. (I dunno, maybe Homer Price, From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler, even Ferdinand or Wee Gillis, maybe Pippi???)

Hope he's feeling more cheerful soon--
minnie

Thanks! He is such a happy go lucky kid, it's strange to hear him say that. He snapped out of the mood pretty quick, but I know it was still on his mind. Literature is a great idea and I know at least one of those books off the top of my head and I hadn't even thought of it. I also asked a friend of mine for some more suggestions since she is a librarian and she came up with a few too. It will be nice to read and talk about things instead of directly talking to him about how is feeling since he is having a hard time expressing it. And I have to say, being a "flute player" isn't a bad thing. You don't have to be in the helping profession to help. : ) Thanks again

4 is so young to have these feelings come up. Sorry to hear that!
Have you asked if something specific was said to him in school in the last few days that might be bothering him?
I agree books can be a great way to process confusing feelings (as can music).

He's not prone to drama, is he? Maybe it just means he had a bad day?

If DS7 said this to me, I'd be very troubled. Since he is not a drama queen, such words would be a sign that things were terrible!

If DS4 said it to me, I'd probably freak out for a second, but then would rein myself in and assume he'd just had a bad day until I got more evidence, since he IS a drama queen, and anything not going his way means he's MISERABLE <sob>.

<eye roll>

So based on my kids, this could be something really, really serious, or it could be nothing. Given that your DS didn't want to talk about it, I'm thinking he may have made a bigger deal of a small-ish thing than he intended and he was embarrassed.

Of course, I don't know your child at all, so I may be totally, completely, absolutely wrong! But at least it's another angle to consider...

Do some role playing, you be him, and he can be you. Don't start with his statement that concerns you, get him having fun with it. Have him help you get into playing him. Listen to him as he plays you, but I'm not sure I'd correct him. How he plays you could be as he sees you, or as he wants you to respond. When he's really into it, then say something like "I wish I was someone else.", maybe he can give you suggestions about that feeling then.

Good point about the dramatics. He isn't overly dramatic...but he has his moments where the drama comes out and says things like "this is terrible" or "I'm never ever going to win this game in my entire life." He doesn't say that pre-k is bad, and says he likes it...so it's kind of strange. I think it is his way of saying he feels different, but it's hard to say. And that's true about not wanting to talk about it. He sometimes just does that when he feels tired about talking about things. It's pretty funny though because he talks all the time, but it seems like he says that when he bored with a conversation or something and is ready to move on.

Drama KING, Kriston......

S, I know it's troublesome, my heart winces when I hear a kid say something like that.

I'd watch and see if you see consistant signs of him being troubled.

This time between Thanksgiving and Christmas break tend to be very, very slow at school. Most schools tend not to provide much new material and some kids start getting a little bored at this time.

This SO sounds like my dd7. She has always had a flair for the dramatic, but she is also very hard on herself. She is in the midst of testing for Visual Perceptual deficits. I think that at around age 4 she knew she was "different" than other kids and really couldn't articulate it other than through her dramatics.

I just continue to tell her how wonderful she is and that I am so blessed that she is mine. Sometimes if I can get her to talk about what is "off kilter" with her, I can relate a story from my own life where I messed up or shared the kind of feelings she is having. It seems to help. Sometimes she just wants to sit with me and do nothing or we have to find a new distraction. (we keep lots of random supplies in the garage so she can just create on her own.)

For whatever reason he said it, it seems like he's insecure with something, so it may be he needs a little extra TLC at home. Maybe he is headed for another huge leap in skills?

Sorry this post is a little random!

As dramatic as he is, he's probably the whole bloomin' Drama Castle!

What is interesting is that he seems to be doing great lately, that is why it surprises me. He was "kicked out" of his first pre-k this year after less than a month, now he has been in a new one for 2 months and he seems to be doing well there behaviorally. They understand him pretty well and are trying to work with him to challenge him some, but have told me that that he is way above the other children and does seem to get bored during circle time (which the teacher says she completely understands). I don't think the program is at all challenging for him 80% of the time, but they do a few things with him that are challenging on occasion and he gets to jump around and play in their gym which he loves. So we have been considering Montessori and making a switch (the director keeps calling me and asking me to try him there), but we didn't feel good about another transition this year. I would just like him to be able to stay somewhere and make relationships without being thrown all around. So we had pretty much decided that since his behavior was pretty good he wasn't too distressed and he seems to like pre-k in what he says (although many days he says he doesn't want to talk about pre-k...but my theory is that the conversation bores him). So now he goes and says "I'm tired of being me" in the context of preschool and it is making us reconsider. Not that being in montessori will help him fit in more, but still. (sigh).... just when I think there will be a moment of calm I go and question my decision to keep him there.

I'm so sorry shellmos - how hard it must be to hear your kid say that. Our DS4, in his 2nd year of pre-k, had been saying he hated preschool for weeks, and i finally i asked the preschool teacher and she told me of an incident. (Apparently, he was balking and doing things that he already knew, and she finally said, you still have to show me, and that's when the hating preschool started.) We're still debating on whether to take him out of pre-k after christmas - it seems to have run its course.

Anyway, lately he has switched over from I hate preschool to "i hate this family." This happens whenever we have him do something he doesn't want to do - like hurry, e.g. So for our kid, the comments are definitely related to having to do something he doesn't want to do.

Maybe you can talk to the teacher to see if she knows of a recent trigger? Good luck!

Oh - and i'll just relate something DH said to me when i told him we should maybe pull out DS. He said that if things are really that bad, then yes, but he said he doesn't want DS to get the idea that if he's not liking school for some reason or another, he can just quit. It's tricky with these kids though!

I wonder what type of preschool it is that your son goes to. Both of my kids went to/still goes to play-based daycare centers (not Montessori), and it is good experience for both. These centers don't have much structured play, they do circle time, sure, but that doesn't take much time. The rest of the time is divided into outdoors, puzzle time, reading time, role-play time, etc., during these activities kids can choose whatever they want to do under the general theme. The teachers simply guide the kids in whatever activities that the kids choose, and they watch the kids, figure out what they might need and provide them with it. At puzzle time, for example, a kid can be doing a four-piece puzzle while another busy with a 100-piece puzzle. At reading time, some listen to a teacher reading to them; others read to the teacher. At math time, some might do simple counting games, one or two might be doing division games. I remember once I was really impressed by a few kids who were looking at a world map together trying to locate the places that they (or their parents) had been to. I really liked this arrangement because the open-ended activities give everyone something that's appropriate to their levels. For a while my son (the year before he entered K) was really into World War II and the teachers let him bring his favorite WWII books to the daycare, read with him, copied pictures of tanks and airplanes for other kids who got interested in the books. And I remember my son once built a huge "river system" in the yard over several days and all the other kids were sailing their boats in it. And once the teachers told me that they bought a bunch of new math toys which were more advanced than what they had, because my son would be ready for those very soon. I'm not sure what my point really is. I guess it's that non-Montessori schools can work out well, too. You need to find out how much flexibility they have, and how willing the teachers are to let the kids take the initiative.

Anyway, my kids have had/is having a great time at daycare. So when DS entered the public school system, imagine our shock!

Well, without knowing your situation I might have just written something totally irrelevant. But here it is anyway.

Thanks! your post was completely relevant. Your program sounds great. He is in a similar play-based pre-k but probably with less resources. There are 2 teachers and 10 students. It's only 2.5 hrs 3 days a week. They have a big gym they play in, they have "music and movement," weekly sign language which he enjoys, craft time (which he typically finds boring based on the simplicity of the crafts,but sometimes enjoys),they have snack time, and centers that they go to. They try to add some more challenging things for him, and have done some workbooks and math games with him.

I am glad that you posted that because lately I have been feeling that maybe he needs to be in Montessori and yet I don't want to move him and the program (location and time of program) is completely inconvenient for us. His current teacher is great and she really is interested in learning different things and how to work with him best. She has asked other teachers that teach older grades for assistance and has brought things from home and borrowed things from others(she used to teach 1st and 6th grades in the past). She has expressed that Montessori may be a better fit in some ways because they have more manipulatives and can work with him more at his level. While this program has different things, most are tailored to 4 year olds. I wonder if that will keep him occupied through the year. It may though. The one thing she has mentioned is she notices he gets antsy and acts out a little during circle time. She says he has a hard time sitting during this and feels it is because the topic is so simple (today is December 5th, what comes after 5? Right 6, so what day will tomorrow be?). Also she says that he seems to be bored with the same songs and routine, while the others seem to enjoy it. Anyhow, she is open to suggestions and even recently talked about maybe doing something a little different with him during circle time, which I am definitely okay with. He does have some structure there and routine, so he shouldn't be too shocked when he goes to K, although 2 - 3X the amount of children every morning with one less teacher may be a little different. We are possibly looking into a private school in our area if they can give us some assistance. But I plan to visit both our public school and the one private school we may be able to afford to see which is better for K. Both have perks I am sure.