Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Emotional/Mental Health Help, please.

Hi all! I think my son, who is gifted and has motor dyspraxia and dysgraphia, needs some help. And I am not sure how to help him. Perhaps some of you have some advice? Maybe been here yourself?

In short, my son appears to have a quite fragile ego that manifests in his having a very difficult time managing constructive criticism and instruction. It seems that he is increasingly unable to face/admit his faults/shortcomings/mistakes without it devastating his ego. He, therefore, just refuses to accept he is making mistakes/not doing something correctly/needs to improve. This is getting to be a big problem (it seems to be getting worse as he was not always like this or at least not this bad) because criticism is a part of learning and he needs to learn from his mistakes (which he can not if he will not face or admit them) and he needs to develop a level of maturity necessary to learn and improve, etc.

Here is an example of the issue: He has been playing ice hockey for two years. As you can imagine, having dyspraxia does NOT make this an easy undertaking at all. One of the problems he has been having in hockey, consistently for the past two years, is where to line up/position himself during face-off. He is very, very often in the wrong spot and when the ref notices this he will not start the face-off until DS is in the right position. On one the teams my son plays, my husband is assistant coach; so, he is on the bench and calls out to DS when he sees DS going to the wrong spot. On the other team my son plays one his teammates has taken to often showing him where to stand (that particular team is extremely, and oddly, supportive an positive with each other and it is adorable how this kiddo helps my son). Of course, that teammate is not always on the same line as my son so if they are not together on the ice DS ends up in wrong spot. This *should* be embarrassing to DS but he *seems* not too embarrassed. Up until recently, I kept thinking eventually he'll get it... right? Last night during a game, however, DS lined up wrong, ref did not notice and DH noticed too late to call out to DS. Because DS didn't realize that he lined up wrong, and that the goalies had switched sides (they switch every period), he actually starting carrying the puck in the wrong direction. At which point, his entire team starts yelling at him to turn around (this is not the super supportive team, btw) - super embarrassing. [The up-side was as he turned, an opposing player checked him hard and landed on top of him and, then, couldn't seem to get off of him (LOL) so the DS's team ended up with a power play.] It is at this point that it hits me hard - I need to figure out why DS is lining up wrong because he must be harboring some erroneous/mistaken belief that is causing this. My husband said "oh he just doesnt care enough" But I know that is not true. I know he just needs it explained in a certain way to "get it." So, I asked him about it this morning and I felt like I did not ask in an angry or condescending way... I did say something like, "tell my what your thought process is when you lining up for faceoff because you keep lining up wrong and we need to figure out why." In response, he completely melted down - screaming at me that he does not usually line up wrong, crying, etc. He insisted he does not usually line up wrong for face-off. I can tell you he does line up incorrectly A LOT... And he is getting to an age and a level where it is not acceptable. I am not sure how he does not realize this. But the more I tried to explain it to him, the louder he screamed at me - until he was shrieking and freaking out. He is constantly being made to correct his position either by the ref or a teammate or coach. And everybody sees this because everyone is watching, waiting for the faceoff. I was stunned by his inability to deal with this issue. Then, I realized - he can not face/admit that he is doing this a lot because facing that inadequacy is 'devastating' his self esteem... It struck me that he appears not to be able to handle how his failure makes him feel so he needs to deny it. Obviously, he can not get better if he won't say to himself, his dad, me or his coach, "I gotta figure put why I keep getting this wrong so I can fix it."

There are other things... my husband will give him constructive criticism and pointers on where to improve with stick-handling, for example, and he will completely shut-down and say "my stick handling is awesome I do not need to work on that!" when nothing could be further from the truth. And it is not like my husband is a tiger-dad... he is being pretty gentle. But DS can not improve with this kind of mindset. There is a player on his team who is VERY gifted and he seems always open to even how he could improve and instruction. My son who needs it the most can not seem to handle instruction or criticism at all. It is so weird to me. I have also noticed it several times in math as well. He will be completely unable to face up to where/when his thought process is breaking down in math concept he is struggling with.

The good news is he usually he does calm down eventually and we get there. He'll probably come in this afternoon and we'll talk and figure it out. But it scares and troubles me that he is this way and that it is getting worse.

I am worried that he needs to cope with this better or he will have serious problems and unhappiness. He needs to recognize that no one learns anything without making mistakes and everyone has struggles/inadequacies but he can face those and work on them without it meaning that he is now identified as a "failure." I am thinking of getting him therapy but I am not sure. The last time he went for therapy the psychologist just wasn't very good and it was a waste. But I think he needs help.

Anyway, sorry this is so long...If you made it this far and have advice insight, I'd love to hear it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? We haven't tried it, but the pediatrician suggested it as a way to deal with inappropriate emotions/reactions to situations.

Whoever it is to help your son with the hockey problem specifically, it needs to come from someone else, not you the parents. I'd speak to the coach - I haven't the foggiest about hockey but it sounds like an unsustainable situation and he may lose his spot on the team over this eventually, right? So, the coach needs to tell him what he is doing wrong and if possible, your husband should stop "helping", too. The first thing he needs to learn is that it IS a problem, and that he is only in the right position most of the time because other people are watching out for him. If they stop doing it, he'll realize he needs to learn for himself.

I second the idea of CBT. We have started doing it with our explosive kid who has similar meltdowns over completely reasonable criticism and does not handle strong emotions well. No obvious results yet, but DS9 loves going...

Have you heard the same concerns from either his hockey coaches or his teachers? If you haven't, I wonder if part of the reaction you're receiving isn't due simply to the advice coming from his parents. I also wonder (this is probably a very naive question so feel free to say, um, pb, you're nuts!).. but why do you expect it to be embarrassing for him to be in the wrong starting position? I'm not a hockey parent, so I can't speak specifically to hockey, but my kids have participated in quite a few sports, from dyspraxic ds who's totally *not* an athlete and not coordinated, to my ds who is a competitive gymnast. There are many times that kids on their teams and in the individual/group sports they participate in don't get things correct or perfect or whatever - some kids repeatedly having the same challenges - but no one gets embarrassed.

I think re the hockey issue with lining up, it's possibly related to his dyspraxia and challenges with direction (at least my ds is still very directionally challenged). If you could figure out some type of touchstone thing that he could always use as a go-by to let him know which way is which for lining up, then have either an understanding teammate or coach give him the hint (*not* his parents), that might give him a tool which will help when he lines up.

Best wishes, and good to hear from you!

polarbear

How old is your son?

Depending on your DS' age, maybe this book will be useful -- Thanks for the Feedback, I Think (Best Me I Can Be!)

Yes, I have heard similar concerns from teachers here and there - his current math teacher, in particular. Although he is doing better with that presently ... with his math teacher, I mean. He said to me, "I don't feel like I have to prove anything to Mrs. Math Teacher anymore and so I have been going to her when I do not understand something or why I got something wrong. She's been really nice and I think she likes me now." I have not heard from her yet (I will during the upcoming PT conference) but I suspect her improved attitude towards him has to do with him being open to her instruction and constructive criticism. His attitude of "I know what I am doing I do not need help" when he clearly did need help would drive her crazy. So, I guess that is good - in one area it does seem to be improving.

And, yes, the lining up thing is definitely related to his dyspraxia. Definitely. Then, he also needs to think about being on the left side or the right side, and well you know how that is for someone like DS! However the left winger/right winger isn't a big thing but he does at least have to be on the correct side. I realized that my husband (who by the way is the assistant coach so he is suppose to be telling DS what to do) may not be explaining it in a way DS understands. I certainly have this problem with DH myself. And DS may not understand but is too proud to admit it and he doesn't get what DH is saying. For example, I personally had no idea where DS is suppose to be either because I did not know the positions. I only knew he was wrong because it causes a bit of a spectacle and a delay each time DS needed correcting. So, I asked DH last night, where is he suppose to be? How does he know where to go? DH gave me an explanation that did not make sense to me so I kept pushing and asking questions. I realized that is the problem - I don't think it has been explained to DS in a way he understands. You are exactly right and that was my thought he needs a way of thinking about it that makes sense to him - he needs like a 'tool' to use each time. I was trying to figure that out! What makes sense to neurotypical hockey player may not make much sense to DS as he thinks differently.

Re embarrassing, you have a point - DS is not the only one who gets it wrong ...occasionally others do too but it is MUCH less frequent. DS almost always has it wrong. I would assume it is embarrassing for it to happen so much at this level. It is especially embarrassing to end up carrying the puck the wrong way,, and that happened because he was in the wrong position in the first place.

No real ideas, but we have a simialr issue with my DD. I do find that anything coming from us is received much more defensively than from others. Sometimes it does make me feel bad. I think it's probably comfort level, though, because I have also seen DD get like this with her very best friend when she would never be like that with a more distant friend...guess she feels she can let it all out, which isn't so great.

He is right in the middle of his 10th year.

I mean yeah - he is definitely the worst with his father... they really can push each other's buttons... He is usually much more receptive to me.

It just worries me. I really do not think it is good. It certainly impedes his improving. And it just breaks my heart because he is clearly hurting, too.