Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion First day of summer camp was a disaster!

Today my DS5 started a new summer camp and he hated it. When I picked him up, he looked miserable. He started to sob as he entered the car and said was that he never wanted to see that place again. I feel really torn about whether we should push him to return and attend future weeks or if we should just ask for a refund and let him stay home.

Some background: My son is introverted and very sensitive to noise and chaotic situations. He has social skills issues (he is getting help with this). He hates sports and generally connects with other nerdy kids one on one over similar interests. While he attended part-time preschool for three years, it was a small, nurturing program where he felt safe and knew everybody. He has always attended camps at the preschool but I felt like he had outgrown them and signed him up for some tinkering/science camps this summer. I am home for the summer and also have a two year old so I don't need the child care. I signed my son up for a few scattered weeks of camp so he could have fun and maybe connect meet some new kids who share his interests. While he does know one kid in this camp well, the kid ignored him when he ran up to say hello and I'm not sure if it got better as the day progressed. My son was very enthusiastic about going to this camp until drop off. I think the huge campus and large number of kids (many older) and the fact that he didn't see any friendly faces really scared him. My husband, who did the drop off, said that the camp seemed minimally staffed and that nobody appeared to notice that my son was upset about my husband leaving. He thought that if a counselor had made an attempt to come over and connect with my son, the transition would have been better.

My son complained about a few things. First, there were tons of people. It was loud and chaotic. They spent very little time tinkering and lots of time "waiting around" or in the yard with balls (which he isn't interested in). He said the projects weren't particularly challenging. He was unimpressed with the equipment and materials and said we have all the same stuff at home. He was really upset that there wasn't any soldering or tools! He said he was confused about the pickup procedure and started to cry when his one friend left and that nobody came to help him for a while.

This camp has amazing ratings and everybody kid I know loves it. I wonder if it's worth it to push my son to go back and see if he likes it better once he recognizes the place and some familiar faces. I recognize that I'm a bit overprotective. I feel like I am this way partly because I deeply relate to my son's introverted tendencies. I also know that he is very sensitive and he's just not like other kids who either have a disposition that enables them to jump into this kind of situation or the experience of doing so.

I also feel guilty because we have so much fun when my son is off. We spend hours building forts in the woods, hiking at the beach and visiting space museums. I hate to have my son miserable in some camp when we could be enjoying summer. On the other hand, I recognize that this could be a very good experience for him.

I have received so much wise advice and support on this board. If you've experienced this with your child, what did you do? What advice would you give to me?

Trying to think back to 5. My DS is also introverted and I'm trying to think back to what I did at 5. I believe I just left DS at his preschool/daycare for the summer. But we did these kinds of camps as DS got older. I never got a I hate the camp from him but we did try a number of things that didn't work. I usually made DS finish the week. And I learned what worked and learned to ask a lot of questions and be very careful what I selected. Plus I found that a lot of the camps were a lot of 'been there done that' and science camps were the same kit experiments done over & over. A lot of promise and less fun than advertised. Lots of time for the kids to just be goofy and less actual science being learned. But if he stayed at home there would be no one else to play with and all he want to do was computer games.

I guess what I would do is try a second day. Talk with the director about DS's experience the first day and see if some more attention from a counselor will make a difference. Maybe they can help him connect with another kid. Just having one friend might help. A lot of kids go through a rough time with this kind of transition. When I was in this situation I really struggled with how hard to push. I wanted DS to experience some social situations and sometimes if he could find a kindred soul they would work.

ITA.

Ditto.

I would also add that when I was a young adult (early 20s) I was really into physical fitness and used to lifeguard and teach kids and adults to swim at a local rec centre. In the camp's defense, I quickly learned that if a kid got their face wet (which many non swimmers fear) they would take their cue from the adult about how to react - if I made a fuss of them they would sense concern and it would exponentially increase the level of their freak out whereas if I pretended it was a game and laughed about it or ignored it they would deal with it on their own eventually. So maybe that is why no counsellor way there for him when your husband left.

But if he has another crappy day then withdraw him for sure.

Ah, been there. Older DD is an extrovert, so when younger DS wasn't as excited about the same classes/camps she had enjoyed, I had to decide when it was worth giving him a little push to try a bit longer. Ages 3-5 were the worst, with him outright refusing to try certain things, even though he had friends in the class. There were tears, refusals...ugh...but that is all in the past. To give you an idea of how hesitant he was to try new activities, I've sat in a corner or nearby during a camp or class on quite a few occasions, just so he would stay and see what it was like. I was/am not trying to change DS, but I did feel like with him, at least - I had to have him really give things a try. We did quit an activity or two, but for the most part, he ended up warming to the activity and ultimately enjoying it. Now, at 7 - he is MUCH more willing to try new activities and quickly makes new friends. He is still an introvert, but a pretty social one, with many friends! This is child and situation-specific, though, of course - so he really just may not enjoy the camp. Camps, specifically, can make a young introvert feel "lost." They can be loud, less organized, and be a hard place to find a quiet moment to just think or relax. Best of luck - go with your gut. You know your child best.

I think I would just go ahead and withdraw him.

- It's a loud, noisy place, and he doesn't do well in loud, noisy places.
- Much of the activity revolves around ball playing, and he doesn't like to play ball.
- He has social issues, and this sounds like a chaotic social situation.
- In addition to all of the above, he's 5, and therefore needs a lot of staff attention to help get him going, but the place is minimally staffed.

How is he supposed to connect with other kids when he's dealing with sensory overload, already has a social deficit, and he doesn't want to play the things the other kids are playing? It just doesn't seem like a good match.

I agree with Dude - if he doesn't need to go (for child care) and there's not an activity there worth doing, I'd withdraw him.

We have pushed our kids to attend camps that had an activity they wanted to learn, but were balking for an 'environment' reason - e.g. a robotics camp DD wanted to back out of when she realized all the other campers were boys and the counselors as well. In that case we worked with the camp director to switch her to an activity and group she was more comfortable with - i.e. it had a couple of girls.

In your case, I don't see the upside. I would try again later maybe with a better-suited camp. Age 5 is still pretty young - his sensitivities may lessen as he gets older, making it easier to tolerate noisy, crowded situations.

Also, it's a real bummer trying to cajole, persuade, bribe your kids to attend an experience that is supposed to be fun. (Having flashbacks to last summer. )

To amplify Can2K's point, we've also pushed our DD10 in certain activities, but they were:

1) Activities she originally asked for.
2) Activities in which we felt there was something vital she could learn there.

So, for example, when DD was 8, and wanted to give drama a try, we signed her up, and she found it fun at first, until she inevitably drew the attention of the kid who she found obnoxious and annoying, but who always followed DD around because she wanted to be DD's friend (this is a pattern for DD). By the time DD's complaints reached the level where she wanted to withdraw, she'd already begun rehearsals for the upcoming play, so we made her see it through to learn "How to fulfill obligations when others are counting on us." When DD decided she couldn't learn the next skill in gymnastics, we made her stay put until the end of the paid session, because what we really wanted her to learn is "How to keep trying in the face of failure and eventually succeed."

Like Can2K, I'm not seeing a life lesson to be learned in your DS's case.

This situation reminds me of when our son was four and we decided to sign him up for swimming lessons at the local pool. Since we live on a river, it was expected that we would try to teach as early as possible, and we thought four was a good age.

I stayed through lesson after lesson as I watched him panic about going into the water. He had to be talked into it and he would cry when we were getting into the car to go to lessons. He would cry at the pool and hold on to the side for dear life. The instructors finally managed to get him out to the water on a noodle, but then wanted him to dunk his head. He refused so they dunked him. He came up screaming because the water went up his nose.

I'm upset as I write this because the whole time this was going on, I sat in the bleachers with the other parents of similar age kids who all told me not to worry, that it would be worse if I took him out of lessons and that their own kids reacted that way the first time, blah...blah...blah. I should have listened to my instinct that first two days and pulled him and blow off the money. (no refunds)

But, no. I made him go. The last day, they corralled the kids out of the pool into a line and up the steps to a water slide. My son went along. (I was surprised) He got to the top and I could see him hesitate, but the swim instructor pushed him down. He landed and went under and came up screaming bloody murder.

That was his "graduation". Lessons over. He later told me he thought the line was to go to the exit and when he was at the top of the slide and realized they wanted him to go down, he refused but they pushed him.

I was so ticked off, at myself, for not following my gut.

So, take this for what it's worth. If your child hates camp, don't make him go.

DD was 8 the summer this happened to us. She stayed in the camp, but was miserable and I don't think it was worthwhile. (At 8, she had more perspective and internal resources than a 5 year old.) Lessons learned:

Social disappointment can make the experience unrecoverable.

Most camps that offer what you love doing at home... will be introducing that hobby to NT kids who have never done it before. Many camps run all day but only offer the specialty topic for 1/2 to 1 hour, and the rest is pretty much athletics and team building. After that summer we stopped signing her up for anything that offered a well-rounded program of FUN! because it wasn't a match. The next year we realized that even in specialty science camps, any camp without a qualifying test of some sort would not be at the right level.

If you have the energy, home-camp might work better: one planned activity or excursion per day, scheduled as a play date with a friend, if possible. For a socially uncertain kid, having to compete with hundreds of others for their best friend's attention can be completely crushing.