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DS6 is hard work. Between hyperactivity, explosive temper, tantrums, attention seeking, blaming everyone else for anything that goes wrong, negativity, and distractibility, I am at my wits end. I often find myself at a loss for how to respond to him these days. We have just started him at a new school, and I think it will be good for him. They have experience with giftedness and difficult temperaments. But its only been two weeks, and I already have had to sign a report sent home for problem behaviour. I am feeling like a failure at the moment. I have been short with him because I am exhausted. Everything ends up a battle. And I feel like I am just doing everything wrong.

We have had outside support. Originally he was diagnosed PDD-NOS, so we did a couple years of ABA therapy. We have worked a bit with psychologists and OT. I think our next step will be to get a counsellor/psychologist involved to help create a behaviour plan to be used consistently at home and school. But I feel like we have worked on stuff, and it never really seems to get much better. And it seems like there is so much difficult behaviour to work through.

Sometimes I just want to run away and hide.

Huge

There seems to be a bit of this going around at the moment so I think lots of people here will understand what you are going through. I send you strength!

It sounds like this has been a long standing issue from the things you said. Is the new school placement adding any extra stress, just because it is a change? Do you think there is a chance things will settle at all as he becomes more familiar with the new environment?

You are not a failure. You are trying hard but not seeing the progress your efforts deserve so feeling wrung out isn't unexpected. The school sounds good and experienced. Do they have any suggestions or plans in place that you think might help given a bit more time?

You sound like you are doing everything with external supports so I don't have any suggestions. Just wanted you to know we hear you.

Dubsyd, there will be better answers with more specific advice than I have coming up soon, but in case you're still on line in these early hours of the morning (here at least), I wanted to send a hug. A really, really, big one. You're not alone.

There's times I've felt like "this isn't what I signed up for" and am overwhelmed by the fact that our children are every moment of every day forever and there's just no sending them back. And I wanted to.

And these are things you just can't say about your children, which makes it even harder. And when no one can understand why you feel this way - because you created this super-challenging being with your own bad parenting and if you only did X like everyone else did, you wouldn't have these problems... it's really lonely too.

But IT GETS BETTER. Slowly, painfully, but truly. It really does. Every month that goes by, there are things which just used to be impossible which now are unremarkable and you don't even notice the change. There's a thousand little things which used to catalyze meltdowns that I don't even have to think about any more, like which dishes I put out or how I cut the toast or whether we have to leave another playdate because he won't use the washroom. Some days, I stop and try and list as many of those things as I can, things that used to be so hard and are now so easy. It always amazes me how many of them there are, and the list is always growing, still now at 10 and 8.

And as the behaviours happen a little less, and a little less, with every month it is also that much easier to see the truly extraordinary little beings lurking within that behaviour, experiencing the world in some crazy hyper-drive technicolor that is so overwhelming for them, but so incredible as they get more and more able to share with you what they perceive and how they think.

Hang in there - and hang in here, where's there's nothing you can't say. This too shall pass, and you will make it, and your DS will come out that much stronger and more extraordinary for each step of learning to manage to exist in this world. And as Chay said in another thread, wine is good, too.

I am sending hugs too. I struggle as well. After a long smooth period, we are having trouble with DD right now, for reasons I cannot pinpoint at all. A relative recently visited and with those "eyes," I saw how bad some things are at present.

What plan (IEP, 504) do you have in place at school? If none, I would want to put something into place.


That happens, and it's not your fault. (According to my mom, losing your temper is a valid method of teaching the child where the line is, if used sparingly and nonviolently.)

Get some help. I have found it really good to have a college student for a few afternoons a week to act as homework tutor/ABA therapy aide/respite. It is very tiring to keep teaching 100% of the time. ABA works best if you have multiple people doing the teaching/reinforcing.


I'm interested to know why you stopped. The early elementary years are a great time to do ABA, because kids should be learning new skills in reponse to increased demands at school. If your ABA therapist was good, I'd resume that at home, and also have that person involved with coordinating the plan at school. If school and home are working consistently on reinforcing the same skills, you should see progress.


The tricky thing is this: your child gets better, and then all the peers make developmental leaps so they're still ahead of your child socially/behaviorally, and school makes increasing demands on social/emotional regulation, so it feels like you're always in hot water and not making progress. Even if you really are. BTDT.

School needs to have appropriate expectations AND supports to help your child meet those expectations. A kid on the spectrum can learn, but if he's under too much stress and always "in trouble" he will shut down and not learn. DS had a behavior plan that told teachers exactly how to respond when he did anything inappropriate, AND how to prevent blowups. This was one of the best things we did.


I hear you. I will meet you in Tahiti for drinks with little umbrellas in them. Right after I take care of everything here.

I totally get where you are coming from! Raising my two kids, but especially DS9, is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I can't count how many times I have felt like a failure because of something he did, or how I reacted. Your description of your DS is spot on the same as mine, and no. one. gets. it.

I find focusing on something positive at the end of the day can help, even if it's as small as "he put his dishes on the counter when I asked." Telling him these things ("I really liked how you XYZed today") right before bedtime is good, so he could at least go to bed with a positive message from the day. I also try not to take things personally when DS is being super negative/explosive; this is *really* hard for me, and I'm far from good at emotionally removing myself.

Being new at school can be really stressful, so some of his behavior may be in response to this. I would definitely be talking to his teacher and the principal to work on a positive behavior plan. DS has expressed a lot of sadness and frustration from years of being "the bad kid" in so many classes and groups.

I believe kids do well when they can, so "bad" behavior points to something amiss. The "something amiss" may be the environment (too noisy, bad lighting) or unrealistic expectations (having to be still for too long), not necessarily things your son has control over.

And yes, I sometimes want to run away and hide, too.

Dubsyd, you've received excellent advice above, and I'll second DeeDee's advice specifically. Plus send you a big cyber-hug!

I'd also add that ages 6-7 is a significant development stage for *all* children - not just for children with challenges. It's the age when children are starting to realize they aren't "attached" to their parents but exist as separate human beings, and it can be filled with challenging behaviors for even the kids who've been completely easy going up until that time.

It's also the time when, for my own kids who had some type of undiagnosed LD or other challenge such as a vision issue that behavior was really a huge challenge. My dysgraphic/dyspraxic ds had been the most mellow kid who ever lived (for the most part lol), until he hit first grade and then he seemed to turn into a raging upset kid most of the time because of the stress of having to write in school and talk to teachers. My dd who had severe vision issues had what appeared to be on-again off-again behavioral and sensory challenges all along - up until her vision issues were diagnosed and treated - which didn't happen until second grade when she was able to tell us she couldn't read what her teacher wrote on the board. It's not unusual for parents and teachers to *not* see these types of issues until first/second grade when the type of work students have to produce in school changes up a bit. With gifted kids it may be even longer before challenges become apparent, and with a child who has a history of behavior challenges, it may be easy to assume it's all behavior - when there might be something else going on at the same time. With your ds, pay attention to when he has behavioral issues - over time, you might see a pattern.

The last thing I'll add is that as our kids get older, it really does get easier - their ability to communicate what it feels like to be *them* increases dramatically as they move into middle and upper elementary school, and that helps *so* much with parenting through this tough stuff.

Hang in there - and when it gets really tough, take a break for a few hours. Indulge *you* - do something you love, something that's fun just for you, get your mind off of parenting for a few hours. When you come back to it, do something that's fun for you and your ds together.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I second this advice. When we get in a down period with DD, I notice that I'm providing way too much negative feedback (even if I do it "well"). Frankly, it's because there is a great deal of negative behavior. However, she desperately needs positive acknowledgement, even if I am faking enthusiasm/gritting my teeth through it because I'm so frustrated overall.

Yes. This is also a good time to re-institute a bedtime cuddle and readaloud of a mutually enjoyable book. Calming and positive for everyone.

We've been going through a rough patch with DD as well... and I know why, but that doesn't make it easier. She was always so intense when she was younger too and while it got slowly better, it was so hard to see that at the time.

So this is just a hug and sympathy and YES it's so hard when you find yourself thinking "if I'd have really known before hand, I may never have signed up for this." It's the ultimate taboo in our society that a mother might ever feel like "really, this is not what I wanted and may be more than I can handle." But it happens and it's OK... because the rest of the time you think "this kid is so awesome and I'm so happy he/she is in our family."

The best advice I EVER got about parenting was from my midwife. She told me "with kids, everything changes -- and that means that when things are great, enjoy them because everything changes... and when things are rough, it's OK because everything changes."

I got that same advice from someone in my own life! I love it, too.

It's funny that you mention snuggling with a book for comfort as a soothing antidote to stress, because that's exactly what DS3 requested after a major upset today. (Along with nursing.)

The nightly read-and-snuggle can still work for a 12-year-old. But probably not the nursing part.

+1 on all of it. (Mine are 10 and 8)

My sympathies. One thing that always works for me is to divert my DS's attention and distract him when the intensity gets too much for me. I am pretty creative in distracting and can totally throw my DS offtrack to the extent that his mind latches on to a different topic. I resort to this when I get to the point where I become short tempered and tell myself that I do not want to lose my temper with my child. I also drop what we are doing and read a book to my DS when I need to get a break from DS. That calms him down considerably.
I also try to say positive things more often to DS. And try to curb my own negativity as I become more and more aware these days that I am his source of support and encouragement and I need to stay that way. I also feel that I did not sign up for this when I became a parent - it is a hard feeling to deal with and does not sound maternal at all - I verbalized it to someone in my life and they told me that I need to change my outlook and think that if I did not do this job as my DS's parent, then no one else would. That thought provides me a lot of comfort on the days when I feel frustrated.
Try to spend more time on self care - exercise, drinking a lot of water, listening to music, meditation, gardening etc. These things help tremendously in improving our outlook. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for your support and hugs. It really does help. I had a good cry last night while writing my post, and another one while reading all of your responses. Thanks for understanding.

DS has been challenging since he was a baby, and there have definitely been a few easier periods, but often it is very challenging. Right now is a very challenging time for DS as not only is he starting at a new school, but he was accelerated a grade. So he is trying to make new friends at the same time as coming to terms with some academic challenge. He struggles with his handwriting, so he is starting to work with the OT at the new school, and this is a source of frustration for him too. His emotional regulation and executive functioning are below age level, and now he is up with older kids. I think the grade skip was the right decision, but it does require a lot of support and understanding.

I went to bed with the resolve to control the one thing I can best control, my own attitude and emotional regulation. I am going to keep reminding myself what he is going through, and be firm but empathetic, and do a better job of staying calm myself. He was already up when I got up this morning and we had a really nice time together before I took him to school.

DeeDee, you asked some great questions. DS had another assessment done at 4.5 and 5.5 by two different educational psychologists, both of whom said they do not think DS is on the spectrum. I still see some characteristics, but then between possible ASD, ADHD, giftedness, SPD, and who knows what else, it is hard to figure out exactly what is going on! Currently he has no diagnosis other than being highly gifted.

The school he went to last year would not allow us to send in a shadow. I got the impression they thought we were pathologising DS, and that we were exaggerating both his areas of ability and areas of weakness. We continued with a social skills/emotional regulation session with one other child and a psychologist once a week. We stopped that halfway through the year when the psychologist moved away.

We sent a letter to his new school before the year started to let them know he was struggling with handwriting, and his teacher organised a meeting at the end of the first week, which was fantastic. This is his second full week, and there has been some behaviour problems. I spoke with the Edu. Psych who did his report last year, and she recommended we get the school counsellor or psych involved and have a behaviour plan written up. So I have communicated that desire to the school today, and hopefully that will get going soon. I think they have an educational psych on site a few days a week. I feel it is very important to address behaviour straight away.

The positive pre-bed talk sounds like a fantastic idea. I am going to try it tonight.

Our experience is that it's sometimes hard for professionals to see autism in a child who is gifted, not least because if the child's verbal skills are strong the autism presents in a non-standard way.

Regardless of dx/non-dx, ABA or other behavioral strategies are going to be your best bet for getting a handle on behavior. Working on this in early elementary clears obstacles and lets the gifts shine better in late elementary/middle.

Hang in there.