Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Hi, new here, and I am disoriented and scared

Hi all, I just joined. I tried to read some of the threads here but it kind of terrifies me, so I thought I better introduce myself before anything.

I am in my mid-30s, female, and just recently was suggested that I must be gifted. I had never heard of the term before. I was sceptical at first, but upon reading up on it, went through this bizarre sensation that I was reading my own biography written out by others. I've been trying to cope with the shock, and finally decided perhaps it might help to speak with other people like me... I've spoken with 2 other women who are also gifted (online), and we seem to have lots of things in common.

I don't know my IQ. I personally don't think it's very high... I have a slight dyscalculia, so early on I had already decided I don't invest much time studying mathematics. But see, I kind of associate high intelligence with genius mathematicians, so I feel stupider than clever about myself.

I was born in Asia, I will not disclose which country because I ran away as a teenager. The society was oppressive and I did not enjoy my life there. My family is broken, my mother has BPD/NPD and suffers from persecution delusions, and I suspect both her husband and my biological father have Asperger's Syndrome. They are not interested in me so I have no contact with them. I have no siblings and don't know any relatives. I lived in the US for a long time, and now live in Germany, in the process of a difficult split from my husband who has Asperger's Syndrome. This partnership on its own severely damaged and traumatised me, and I feel very crippled emotionally. I'm trying to get on the way of recovery.

It makes sense now, my whole life, if I am indeed "gifted". Teachers loathed me because apparently I broke the "harmony" in classrooms. I didn't understand why schools were so... un-stimulating, and reasoned that it was because I was not doing it right. Other kids mocked me because I was overtly compassionate towards animals and insects. I nearly dropped out of high school but was encouraged by a few teachers who seemed to understand that I was a little different, to at least graduate. I went to the best (so they say) art university in the US and received a scholarship recommended by all the professors. But I felt undeserving and waved it off. Throughout my adult life, despite people say I have some kind of charisma, a strong and fascinating personality, I got myself walked all over and used, like I had no core self. I'm not socially awkward though, but I've been told I intimidate people. All my life, I have suffered from this crippling conviction that I am doing everything wrong, and I am undeserving. Now that I have found out that I may be gifted, at first I was glad that it was probably the opposite, as I read, gifted people may tend to have humble opinions about themselves. But I am now obsessed with the idea that everyone else around me must also happened to be gifted, because I cannot be that "special".

I lived a pretty much "loser" life so far, mainly for 2 reasons. I cannot make myself believe that I'm good enough for jobs I would have (and don't know how to get these jobs), and I cannot seem to be able to keep jobs like retail and waiting tables. I receive social benefits and have gone into severe financial troubles due to my AS husband's inability to manage finance. I have a huge problem with this because I've always felt that the way my life took its course isn't what I am meant to be doing. But I am a very helpless person despite I feel that this isn't really who I am. I don't know how to do life. But I know that there is a place where I am supposed to excel more than anyone else, but I don't even know what that is.

Ok, well as you can see already, I write and talk a lot. I'll try to practice self-restraint now. I'm reeeeally weary of posting on forums because when I asked for info on local support for Asperger's, everyone jumped on me and accused me of blaming marriage problems onto my husband. I feel quite vulnerable so please be easy on me. Thanks for reading, and I hope it was a good decision to join here. I don't have formal test results to "prove" I am gifted.

lechien - I don't even begin to have the kinds of life experiences that could allow me to say "I understand". It's stunning how sometimes giftedness can lead to such pain. But I can at least say, be welcome here, and I hope you can find some peace. Many people come here feeling scared, hurt and rejected, and find a place where we can be more honest, and be ourselves. I think most of us find some reassurance that we are not crazy and imagining the things we see. I have huge gratitude to all on the forum who have shared their experiences - although I am new here myself, I have already developed a better understanding of myself, as well as my children. My heart goes out to you.

Michelle, thank you for your kind words. I was really scared to check back here for some reason, but I'm glad to be welcomed.

I'm sorry if I came off as if I was begging for sympathy though, not that I thought you were pitying me. I'm not miserable or anything. It's kind of even difficult to remind myself that maybe I had a little more ups and downs than others. Everyone's experience and capacity is different. I think I've been lucky to have gone through strange things in life, hopefully it helps me be a better person to be able to see circumstances from different aspects. At least I try. But I don't wish the difficult times to continue, naturally!

I would not like anyone else to be feeling crazy or insecure like I am, but it does comfort me to know I am not alone. Great to hear you have a better understanding of the situation because of this forum. I'll dig around and see what everyone's saying. I see lots of people here are parents. A person I know also found out her own giftedness because her daughter was tested as gifted.

I really think my ex probably has Asperger's, which would so neatly explain his issues with relating to anyone outside of Internet chat. (And sadly, I met him on the internet.) I can sympathize with you 100% on that issue.

If you look up "imposter syndrome" you may find it seems familiar. I have read it is particularly common among high-achieving women, and I know I certainly have had a bad case of it at times. Especially when you feel like you haven't worked hard enough for your apparent success, it can be easy to feel like you are somehow fooling people. After reading quite a bit about it a year or so ago, I've found it's much easier to talk myself out of feeling like a fake.

Welcome! I'm also fairly new, and doubtful (re my own abilities), though I find it easier to believe my kids are gifted...

I think at this stage maybe be easy, and gentle, on yourself. It might help you to go for an evaluation, so that you have "proof" if you feel that would help quieten the doubts. It might also help you to talk through all of this with a counselor..? You have had a really rough time, and sometimes just talking it through with someone who knows how to listen can be a great help.

Hope you stick around and come tell us more about yourself.

Aufilia - I've had a hard time with all of that as well! I didn't realise it was an actual... well "thing" for lack of a better word.

Aufilia, the experience of having an undiagnosed/in-denial Aspie as a partner is a form of nightmare no one but the ones who've gone through can understand. And there is so little understanding or support for the partners (mostly women). I have nothing against people with AS but I am glad you're not with the person anymore.

After learning about giftedness though, I am pretty certain my husband does not only have AS but also is gifted. I am in a FB support group for women like me, and our experiences are as if we share the same carbon copies. He covers most Asperger's traits, but there are certain few things that don't fit. I wondered if it was ADD, but it fits better as gifted traits. He is very inspired and always on the go, has deep empathy (which is trapped inside and tortures him), humble, and strangely charismatic to those around him, which is really not very typical of Asperger's. But he is like a vacuum of negative, completely unintentionally. I really wanted to be his support, because he is a brilliant genius, just trapped. I stayed patient and believed in him, until I was lost and just allowing him to abuse. When I finally started speaking up for myself, offering that we go to counsellings, etc. He registered it as an attack. He accused me of things that were creepily exactly what he was doing to me. It was so terrifying, because he mirrored his own behaviours perfectly onto me, and completely believed it was my behaviours. It was like... a horrible dream I cannot wake up from. He also convinced psychiatric professionals that I was mentally unstable and he was looking for a way to help me, just like how I tried to find the right people who could help him with a proper diagnosis of Asperger's and we could get a counsellor specifically for AS couples. But they don't believe you when you are a woman and wanting to help him, but they do when you are a man and describing his wife as mental (I don't even feel comfortable making that sweeping statement). They believed him without even meeting me. They told him that I sound like I have a personality disorder. One therapist even told him to put me in a mental asylum. But he would only go to a psychologist or therapist once, get their opinions and base his judgements on what they said. I have my own fixed therapist who thinks I am quite rational and just needs to get over some anxiety issues. I also didn't get the chance to improve my German too consumed and imprisoned to the life with him (7 years). So it's hard to defend myself and find support. I did try to reach out, but it has been utterly disappointing. He watched me transform from an optimistic social person to a broken, fearful wreck, and he feels so sorry for me and wants to help me. He is absolutely convinced that I was born with some kind of mental defect, and he pities me for my problems. He is now trying to harden his heart and cut me down, because apparently I am refusing his willingness to support me and emotionally abusing him. It is so sick and twisted, I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. I threw my life and soul away for this person, believing I could help his brilliance shine. Looking back I could beat myself for not quitting earlier, but some women go through this for 30-40 years. I've heard so many horror stories much worse than mine. It is devastating.

Anyway... I could write a whole fat novel on what I went through with him, and still going through. But this isn't an AS forum, so... Yea, I am pretty scarred from this whole experience. I heard a higher percentage of gifted women end up trapped in relationships with men with Asperger's Syndrome, because they empathise and work hard on adjusting themselves. Better hopes for the younger generations, who can get assessed and receive proper support from early on in their lives. Ours is a little bit of a lost generation with AS.

I looked up imposter syndrome. It does indeed sound like what I'm doing. I'll bring it up to discuss with my therapist. Thank you!

M2iChances, I would be curious to have an evaluation done, but I have no idea where I can do it, or if it's even available here in Germany. My German is elementary and I won't get far with it. Life with an Aspie person can really isolate their partners, and that's exactly what happened to me. I have no resources, no one to ask or get help from. A very lonely place now. I need to figure out a way to get out off this situation. But I have a decent therapist, so I can discuss this with him when I meet him this week. He doesn't really put a whole lot of weight on psychoanalysis though. He thinks I just got to "do" and overcome my anxieties, and figure things out along the way. Oh well, he's a therapist and not a counsellor after all. I'll see how he'll take it.

deacongirl, thank you for the link. It looks very good, I'll put it on my list of books to read. I just ordered the book called The Gifted Adult. The one in your link looks to be more in depth to address just what I'm going though.