Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy One child accelerated - one child not

Both our daughters are AG, but DD9 has been single subject accelerated in math - right into her sister's class. I did not want that to happen, but the timing of their classes just worked out that way. But, DD9 may be moving to a different school and may get whole grade skipped. Of course I am following the thread about grade skipping and what happens years later. But what is concerning our family right now is DD10. Her friends are constantly asking her why her little sister is in her class. DD10 is wondering if she is "stupid" because her little sister is doing the same work as she. So for you who have dealt with grade skipping, how did it affect family dynamics? What can one say to the older child that will convince them that they are valuable and special?
BTW, we are an adoptive family so no one is genetically related - that info about siblings having similar IQ's does not apply. It is rather interesting that both girls are similarly doing well in math (DD10 just not to the same extent). My husband and I both have grad degrees so we aren't intellectual slouches, but we have to stay on our toes to make sure both are well educated plus we keep a tight grip on the psychologist for much needed help!!!

This recent post may be of interest.

Your eldest is the same wonderful kiddo she was before her younger sister was accelerated in math, education is not a competition, everyone has strengths and interests which may vary over time, a family is a team, we all win together. Here is a post from last spring when the idea of possible acceleration and social impacts were being contemplated... it includes a few thoughts and a book or two which may be of interest. Does your psychologist have ideas for affirming each child without creating comparisons to fuel potential sibling rivalry?

Those were good posts to go back and read! Including the old one of mine! We specifically DID NOT want our two together as we were worried about what would happen - and then they did end up in the same class anyway!!! But, as I stated, we are planning on moving the younger one to a different school so that won't be an issue any more (having big sister's friends questioning why little sister is around). Thanks also for pointing out that there were some good books mentioned. I will go find them for the girls.
Yes, big sister is amazing - she definitely has her strengths! I think it's very hard to realize that a younger sibling can do the work that she can do (and more). DD10 and I talked today about storybook characters who skip grades and how that worked. I think it will take awhile for the reality to sink in to DD10 about DD9. Funny thing is - DD9 is very envious of DD10 because she is the social one who does so well in school and is so organized!! I do plan on asking the psych. for ideas. She is full of great practical ideas that I really like. I just was so worried last night when DD10 just sobbed that she wished DD9 was a lot younger so she wouldn't be able to be in the same grade as DD10. But, just so you know, this afternoon they decided to write a novel together and publish it so at least for today they are friends again.

I think that wanting to be bigger is very much an elementary thing (I'm taller than you! I can run faster than you!). By the time she is in her teens, she may enjoy being petite. And at least it makes it clear to everyone who the older sibling is (I had a friend whose 3 years younger sister was taller than her by the time they were 12 and 15, and looked older to boot. Doesn't help with the same class issue which I agree us unfortunate and I agree can probably be handled best by sending them to different schools but ther is at least one issue I'd be confident she'll outgrow, as it were.

I don't think that talking about math placement is going to convince your dd10 that she is valuable and special, and in some ways, I think that you have to try less to convince her because that will make her even more certain that something is wrong. My younger ds is more accelerated than older ds in math, while older dd was more accelerated than younger dd. We just treated it very matter-of-factly, "they didn't have a good fit in her other class, so she needed to move up," "circumstances worked out that he was able to be further accelerated," etc... Can you talk to any of the friends' parents? I'm shocked that they are "constantly asking." Younger ds was and is in class with many of older ds's friends and it is no big deal (there are multiple tracks in our school, and it's very large, so maybe that's why there is less novelty). We've dealt with grade skips, early entrance, early graduation, one finishing college in 3 and another in 5... we just tried to take each one matter-of-factly. It really has never caused problems. Every once in a blue moon, one will say that he/she feels like the "stupid" one, the "unaccomplished" one, the "lazy" one, etc... but it is almost ALWAYS more about their own feelings than about anything his/her sibling has accomplished. I think those pre-teen years are tough for girls and your dd10 might be feeling stressed or unsure of herself no matter what the situation. Focus on making her feel good about herself in general, but don't focus so much on the math comparison, imho. And finally, if she does worry about where she is in math (I had one who occasionally worried because although she was talented, she wasn't as far ahead as her sister/brothers), remind her that she has her WHOLE life to do more math. If she really wants to, she can take a summer course, double up in HS, take endless college math courses, etc...We reminded her that she was incredibly smart and had the ability to rock whatever course she took. However, she didn't necessarily want to do that, she just occasionally needed reassurance that she could do that if she wanted.