Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need ideas for responses to age/grade questions

If your child has skipped a grade, how do you deal with questions about why they were skipped, or comments that they "belong" in the lower grade instead.

My child is dealing with these comments at school and I have had a few questions from parents as well, and anticipate more at the beginning of the year parent meetings and so on.

I try to change the subject if possible.

Thanks so much in advance.

I've never found a particularly "good" way of dealing with this-- and it never really seems to go away, honestly. The thing that I've learned about this over the years, though, is that Haters Gonna Hate. What I mean is that there IS no convincing some people, and it's a whole lot more about their baggage than about anything regarding you or your child.

It's taken a long time, but DD15 realizes that now. She has come to view this as a rather convenient litmus test for "people that I might want to be friends with" and she runs everyone through it. If they can't handle the fact that, yeah, she really IS "like that" then she and they probably don't have a lot of common ground.


As for fending off questions, I've found that a simple statement of grade (if it's a classmate expectation) or of age (if it's an agemate expectation)-- never BOTH-- is usually sufficient, and for those who are nosier than that, I turn it around;

Why do you ask?

I'm polite enough, of course-- but genuinely puzzled as to why my child's academics (or birth date, for that matter) are so fascinating to someone who barely knows us.

DD was accelerated one grade and I always found it strange how no one seemed all that interested (as in, the other parents). Maybe because she was in kindergarten when we did it and she didn't have really good friends/connections at that point anyway (or at least, I didn't have them with the other parents, she had just been to random birthday parties). The people in the next higher grade probably thought she came in from a different school. I really don't know. She looks roughly like the grade she is in, she's not THAT far off in terms of age. It's not like she's 8 in 7th grade, she's 8 and in 4th grade. Some of the smaller 4th graders are the same size. Now that she DOES have friendships/connections, I still don't think most people know she was accelerated. They probably wish her a happy birthday and think she's a year older than she is.

We do what HK suggests. DADT.

One thing to keep in mind, too, is that this is really a temporary situation. Once your child hits puberty, it becomes much less noticeable, hence fewer questions about age-grade match. Of course, you then have to deal with the developmentally-inappropriate social encounters...

The one big complication is that one of the teachers must have done some whole class activity that involved their birth dates, so the whole class knows who is the youngest and we can't skirt the question that way.

"Why do you ask?" is so much nicer than what I want to say.

Thanks for the ideas.

We somehow don't seem able to avoid it. Adults seem to think it's the go-to conversation starter with a six-year-old.

It makes my kid uncomfortable. I have said to say, "I'd rather not talk about it." to aduts that pry.

"He's nuts about math."
and
"The sooner he gets rich, the sooner I can retire."
and
"I'm not sure, but it has something do with his plans to take over the world."

But we've never really encountered nosy doubters. I'm pretty sure if I do, the first reaction will be to stare intently at them like antennae have sprouted from their head.

I have told my daughter that when an adult asks, "What grade are you in?" it's really a more polite way of asking "How old are you?" In her case, it was to explain that this question really doesn't require, "I'm in 5th grade in the GESP program, so I'm doing 6th grade work," as an answer - just "5th grade" is fine, unless they are actually talking about school. If the question is asked in response to her talking about a school project or something, then she can explain, but otherwise, she doesn't need to.

In the case of your six-year-old, you can ask him to do it like this:
Adult: What grade are you in?
Child: 2nd grade, but I'm six.
Adult: Wow, really? Why are you so young for your grade?
Child: I dunno, my parents thought it was a good idea. We have a pet frog in my classroom! (or any subject change he wants, really)

He answers the part the adult actually was probably asking, deflects the nosy question to you, and changes the subject. If the adult drops him and starts asking you about it, you can either talk about acceleration, or glance meaningfully at your son and pointedly change the subject.

You may wish to provide (and enlist the aid of the classroom teacher in also providing) a simple and straightforward response about the right fit, similar to what is described in this article "The Right Fit" by Tamara Fisher, author of Unwrapping the Gifted, blog for Education Week, two years ago today on September 6, 2012: Emphasis added.

We most often find the curiosity we encounter to be a healthy curiosity.

Some inquiries may arise from families having encountered roadblocks or suffering from a dirth of information, possibly leading to a lack of opportunity, such as experiencing withholding of services, mentioned in this article from the same blog "What It Really Boils Down To". Questions which seem to be of this nature may be well addressed by deflecting with a truism that each child is unique, and mentioning a helpful resource such as Davidson Institute for Talent Development (including this forum), Hoagies' Gifted Education Page, Iowa Acceleration Scale, SENG, Great Potential Press, Prufrock Press.