Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Freaks out when another kid kills bug

DS6 feels it is wrong to kill a bug for fun. He has no problem with his insect eating pets killing bugs. He has no problem fishing and eating his catch. He isn't a vegetarian. He has a HUGE problem with squishing bugs for fun. He will get outraged and start crying if a kid does this in front of him AND people act like it is fine.

How do I deal with this?

Today a kid did this on purpose to get him upset. DS told on him. The kid said the ant bit him. DS says he was lying because he saw the ant and it was crawling with its head up. DS started crying and had to sit out at recess.

This is a pretty close transcript of our conversation - mind you I don't have all the answers and probably mess up a lot. And I was driving. In traffic.

Me: Use words next time.
Three second silence
DS: Fine. Since no one was there to see the ant NOT bite him, I'll just say he kicked me. I'll scream and hold my leg. I'll lie right back at him and at least he'll get punished even if it is for something different.

Me: Not exactly what I had in mind. You know lying is wrong.

DS: Well, killing innocent creatures is worse.

Me: glare

DS: Fine, I want to go to a different school.

Me: Why?

DS: I want to go to a school that will punish kids who kill innocent creatures for fun. I can't continue to see this happen. It is horrible.

Me: The world is full of jerks, you can't avoid them.

DS: I said new school, not new planet.

Me: Maybe you could talk to your teachers about how upset it makes you. I get why it bothers you and I am glad you feel this way but freaking out doesn't help you make a point. It makes people think you are a baby. You have to hold it together when you get sad and angry or all people see and hear is a crying six year old.




Ugh. Feeling bad about this and not sure what to do. People squish bugs. I get why he does not like it but geez it can't be a deal breaker. Am I being insensitive? If I were a PETA mom, I'd be all over his sensitivity.

Thoughts?

I STILL hate it when people squish bugs. Bugs have a right to live just like humans do. But I am a beekeeper, so that's part of it. I do have an understanding that people have instinctual reactions, but I don't like it and think they could work harder to push back against it. All spiders get a safe pass outside in my house.

I remember my father had ants that would come right into his kitchen for water, and he would never harm them, he just said they aren't hurting anyone...

I also know a mom who actually pulled her kid out of a school when someone killed a praying mantis in front of her son (who felt the same way) and the school did not even talk to the bug killer. She felt that the school was not teaching compassion for other species, and she valued her son's sensitivity and did not want it destroyed by a school that did not teach kindness to animals.

So I would tell him his feelings are valid and that people can be cruel and stupid. In my opinion your son is in the right. Don't teach him that it's okay for people to be cruel to animals and insects, we need more people to stick up for them. I am not a vegetarian, but I subscribe to Temple Grandin's view that nature is cruel, but we don't have to be.

And I think someone from the school should have talked to the kid who killed the bug out of spite, to hurt your child's feelings. Yes they are six, but they are not too young to learn to respect another child's feelings.

I'm with LAF --- completely.

I'd only add that you might want have a conversation like this one in a low-stress environment where your attention won't be divided.

Agreed. Great parental pep talk from KJP, great thoughts and advice from LAF and others.

I'll just add one additional point for consideration. Although the ant is not a mammal, the element of killing it to get a reaction brings to mind that childhood cruelty to animals may be an early warning for later trouble. This article mentions possible motivations including "a vehicle for emotional abuse" (bullying/intimidation), and a desire to "alleviate boredom or achieve a sense of control."

Possibly these manipulative aspects of the perpetrator's behavior, underscored with lying to play the victim, made the situation more chilling. While these things may go unobserved by many or go over other heads without being thought about or processed, possibly an awareness of the power gained dishonestly by this kid through manipulation caused your son to feel disempowered, provoking the tears?

Observations which trigger thoughts/feelings beyond one's vocabulary to express them, may be overwhelming and lead to frustration/tears. Gaining the ability to express the ideas/feelings may help avoid tears in similar future situations. If this may apply with your son, you may wish to have conversations about things such as level of awareness, one's own thinking, possible motives of others in an interaction, differing values/ethics, and who is benefitting at different levels in a situation. To all outward appearances it looks like the other kid "won", but possibly took a hit interiorly in his conscience or character development or karma.

I am really proud of how compassionate he is. It isn't that I don't appreciate his feelings, I just want to help him handle these situations better.

We catch and release insects in our house and I am glad he isn't the type of kid that enjoys killing things.

I want to give him some ideas on how to handle it in the future. I don't think a crying fit helps his case.

I did get a chance to talk about it before bed. He has come up with an interesting plan. He is going to hit up his older buddy who is a talented scary story writer to collaborate on a story about a boy who enjoys killing bugs and ends up being haunted and driven crazy by the ghosts of the bugs he killed. He hopes to scare the bug squisher into stopping.

One thing we often stress with DC is that often other kids do things & say things etc, in order to get a reaction out of you for their own entertainment. I feel like this is probably what happened in the situation you described.

Maybe you could role play and teach your child to say something like, "It really bothers me that you kill bugs for fun. They have a right to live." Or something like that. Then have him walk away.

mon introduces an interesting point. Show him how to turn a crisis where he feels victimized into a way to empower. That's a powerful lesson and one that creates a lot of good in the world. Looks like he's on his way with the book idea.

Also, every kid can have a bad day, and he's six, crying at six isn't unheard of in fact it's still pretty age appropriate. Especially when someone goes out of their way to hurt you by killing what he considered an innocent bystander, and then getting away with it by lying. It feels patently unfair and I can empathize. One of the things that drove me crazy as a child was people who behaved in such an uncivilized way, they weren't playing by the/my rules - and I needed them to play by the rules to feel safe.

That said, going back to his age, lots of kids in my DDs class last year cried at times, boys and girls. Don't forget he's only six.

I feel like there are rules (in my head) for relocation, rules for extermination, rules for prevention, and rules for coexisting.

Gosh darn fire ants crawling all over me and biting me sure as heck fall into the smash 'me dead category and relocate myself so I am not standing in their mound or in their path. Mosquitoes are a health issue...they get swatted even if they aren't biting me at the time because they will in the near future.

Other situations call for different responses...and I don't take glee in how I respond. But I am an adult and I try to teach my kids or other kids I supervise how to matter a of factly respond and how to decide what to do.

If the bugs are in the house it is open season. Outside the house we kill in self defense only and try to avoid hats/helmets that make the kids look like giant bee-magnet flowers.

Well apparently things have worked themselves out. He established a no kill rule with the nature loving playground monitor/teacher. He has also brought an older tougher kid over to a Team Instect who is acting as an enforcer of the no kill rule.

To address the public/playground outcry over not killing offensive or biting insects, DS has offered the well received solution of "capture and put in his lunchbox". He then will feed all captured insects to his pets. Everyone is happy with this plan.

And I assume that recess is after lunch?

It sounds like he really found some great ways, with words/art and speaking up to solve the problem! My DD at six would cry/freak out at school and play dates etc plenty, I know how frustrating that can be, but it sounds like he's got compassion and found a good channel for it!

There is one before and two after. I'm sure he'll think of something. He'll probably use his pockets.

I just want to say, I love your kid he learned how to work the system.. it's not always a problem when people feel things passionately, it also gives them the energy to make changes.. please give him a hug for me, my DS almost 10 still freaks out if someone tries to kill a bug in front of him..but at the same time, he doesn't have a problem feeding the odd tomato hornworm to our chickens. But it's also hit or miss, sometimes he will determine that he doesn't want to feed the tomato hornworm to our chickens, and will want me to put it in a jar so he can raise it to eat more of my vegetables...*sigh*. My child generally objects to senseless killing, not giving bugs to their natural predators for a snack.

This isn't an issue of empathy or compassion from the school's perspective... this is a straight up bullying issue.

If they can't deal with bullying as an issue the higher level issues don't matter. This isn't a kid/invertebrate issue it is a kid/kid issue... The school needs to be supportive.

I agree but at the same time, I don't think it was so clear in the moment. The teacher didn't see what happened. DS says (while crying hysterically) that the kid called him over, showed him the ant and then killed it. Squisher kid says (in a normal voice) that he found an ant, wanted to show DS, it started biting him and he slapped at it to get it off because it hurt.

We talked about it more today. He said with some things he can be upset and keep it together and figure out how to make it right. With other things, it makes him so upset, he doesn't have control. He said it was like how a possum gets scared and plays dead. He gets sad and mad and starts crying/screaming because sometimes there is just no making it right. He went on to explain that with the ant, it was dead. There is nothing he can do to fix that situation. That little interesting life is over and for no reason.

He said he can think through how to keep something like that from happening again but at that moment he is like the possum but very much not acting dead.

Thanks LAF, he is quite the little character.

Same issue 4+ years later at new school with worse bullies.

Today during after school care there were ants inside the gym in a corner area. Kids were stomping ants, DS10 told them to stop, they didn’t, so he walked away. They thought it was funny it bothered him.

They called him over acting like they were stopping. He said he was suspicious but was wondering what they had planned. One kid grabbed him and held him trying to make him watch while the other kids laughed and stomped on the ants. He punched the kid that was trying to hold him in the face, the kid pushed him down and kicked at him. He says they didn’t hurt each other and they all just avoided each other after that. No authority figure saw anything and no one got in trouble.

Why do some kids find killing things so entertaining?

Your son sounds sweet. You just have to get him through school so he can be himself. I know a boy like this. He is now in high school and is in cadets and is quite serious. I think he has found a more gentle crowd.

KJP,

my 8yo son reacts similarly. so far it's the only time he's gotten in trouble for violence at school. he'd knock the kids down or shove them away from the ants. after he got in trouble, he changed his tactic to picking the kids up and putting them elsewhere. which was not a perfect solution -and we had a talk about that- but distracted the ant-squishers enough that it became less of an issue.

hopefully your son's situation smooths out soon.

Ei