Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Giftedness discovered - then big anger? Help!!!

In February we started the testing process for DD9. That has been followed up with more testing, teacher conferences, principal conferences, etc.. to see what we can do to
figure out her education and answer some other questions brought up by the WJ. I put her on ALEKS as well to see what she could do in math plus allow her to try some higher level work since she said math was "SO BORING" in school. This Spring we have also noted that her anger level has shot through the roof, and we have been trying to figure out what changes have occurred that would account for the increase in emotion. So far, many family changes have been positive so we wonder, is all this new testing and focus causing too much stress? We are trying so hard to get a handle on her giftedness, but she seems to be more upset at home! Has anyone else encountered this?

My first thought is that if your DD is being challenged, it may be the first time she has experienced frustration.

My DS7 becomes frustrated or tunes out when he hasn't solved a problem instantly and correctly the first time.

Also, you can't underestimate physical and developmental changes. Over the years, I have discerned patterns where DS regresses significantly in coping skills- once it calms down, he's either grown two inches, or acquired a new skill set.

You say many family changes that were positive... I don't think you can dismiss those as not related. Change is still stressful, positive or negative. And it may be seen as positive by you - but she may have a different spin on the same changes. She is 9 - does she have any reasons she given you as to why she seems more upset?

Any changes at school - especially with other kids? (I assume we are not dealing with for instance, it is their last year at elementary school - that in itself, at this time of the year, can really affect some kids). Any changes in her perception of herself as a result of all that is going on?

Personally, I found the second half of elementary school years the worst years of all the years I was in school - from pre-K through college.

I am not sure I have anything helpful to add, but I wanted to add my support. Also, I think 9 is a tough age, especially for a girl. Female relationships start to become very, very complicated.

I do wonder if she is unaccustomed to being fully challenged and is experiencing stress over the added challenge. While it is very common for kiddos to be G&T ID'd at this age, they have already had several years of "easy school."

DD8 can be VERY emotional and dramatic at home, but she has always been rather intense. She, too, was tested this past year (extensively), and so she might be encountering added challenge due to programming changes. Suddenly, she is getting more homework (I would prefer it was different, not more, but that is the subject for another thread). At times, she seems angry, too. I am not sure what is causing it, but I am constantly trying to figure it out...so you are not alone.

Perhaps someone who has an older DC, who had "challenge" added at the age of 8 or 9 can comment on how to best help a student adjust to this?

I am going to start this saying that not knowing your daughter I really have no idea, but here are a few things to think about. I would wonder if it's stress, anxiety, and/or confusion about what is going on. Does you daughter know why she is being tested? Perhaps she is confused and not getting the correct story. This seems to be the plot of numerous children's books where the protagonist misinterprets something the adults are doing. Your daughter might feel like she has lost control or say to what is going on or when it's happening. I myself remember a time in 3rd grade where I was horribly upset that I was being pulled out to do "different" math with a bunch of horrid boys and separated from my new best friend. (Different math turned out to be the top math group. ;-) ) Perhaps your daughter is missing something she loves when she was taken out for tests. Maybe other kids are teasing her about it.

Agree with all of the above. Wanted to add the possibility that now that everything isn't super easy maybe she is scared she isn't as smart as she/you/teacher/classmates/etc think she is.

I just realized the speculation doesn't really help. What you need to do is talk with your daughter when she isn't angry and upset. I know this is easier said than done and a bit tricky. How to talk with your child and get them to open up is a long discussion and varies child to child. I carry on a lot of these conversations when I'm driving my son places in the car, or going for a walk. The idea that he doesn't have to LOOK me in the face or across a table.

Good Luck.

Any changes in her perception of herself as a result of all that is going on?
-If anything, she thinks that she is more stupid. She has been told how “fast” her brain is, yet she is incredibly disorganized, and she is very aware of that. She constantly forgets her homework or her lunchbox.

DD8 can be VERY emotional and dramatic at home, but she has always been rather intense.
-Yes, our daughter has always been more on the glass half empty side. Now she is just more negative.

Does your daughter know why she is being tested?
Wanted to add the possibility that now that everything isn't super easy maybe she is scared she isn't as smart as she/you/teacher/classmates/etc think she is.

-I have talked about why she is being tested. The psychologist today talked to her about it as well. It’s hard to know what DD thinks about it; she is very averse to discussing anything about her feelings. Her go to phrase is “I don’t know.” She does not think that she is smart. She constantly compares herself to her sister. Constantly. DD10 is perfect according to DD9. That is where most of her anger is directed.

She is 9 - does she have any reasons she given you as to why she seems more upset?
What you need to do is talk with your daughter when she isn't angry and upset.

-She can’t tell me why she is more angry than normal. When I try to talk when she is not angry, I can’t get much out of her. She has always been a tough nut to figure out!! Maybe I ought to write her a note. My husband and I used to do that when we were mad at each other. I can write my questions to her and see if she will answer them.
You all have given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it.

So DD9 is really angry at DD10 because she is "perfect" and it is spilling over into all areas. I think I am familiar with the type of anger that you are dealing with, unfortunately.

Are things going exceptionally well for DD10 right now? Academically, socially, in sports, or anything else? Really all that matters is that DD9 perceives a (negative) difference between her and DD10. Sibling rivalry can cause a LOT of anger, even when it is something that doesn't seem like a big deal to the parents.

If you can figure out what it is, try to find something, anything - really, that DD9 does better than DD10 and make a HUGE deal out of it. HUGE! Try to find something that she can excel at the DD10 doesn't do. Build up her self confidence.

You may even want to consider taking her to a therapist. Dealing with siblings can be very, very difficult on top of dealing with being different from the other children at school.

When does school end for you? Maybe she's just frustrated and can't wait to chill out some over the summer. Right now, our state tests are going on so there's extra stress. Is there testing looming at school? My kids dread their SOL testing. Maybe it's a case of feeling over-tested.

Are they giving her different work or more work than other kids in her class?