Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Bullying issue

My son previously and developmental delays but has been doing well. I'm posting here because I do still think he may have some differences from other kids.

He is in kindergarten but goes to first grade for part of the day. His school has been wonderfully supportive and we have been very impressed with them.

Recently, another child has started taking my son's lunch every day. We didn't realize right away because he didn't say much about it. They sit together and the other child helps himself to anything he wants in my son's lunch.

I have talked with the teacher and they say they he should just tell a teacher. He says that he has told a teacher and they tell the other child to stop, then go to do something else and the child goes back to taking the food.

My son's teacher is wonderful, but she isn't there at lunch. I'm going in to try to see who is there and what exactly is happening.

I'm really not sure what else I can do because my son does not qualify for an IEP. My next step, after seeing what the lunchroom looks like, is to talk with the principal.

There is surely something the school can do to stop this from happening, even in a busy lunchroom. Do any of you have suggestions? Would you ask for him to eat at another table? I'm concerned he would feel ostracized.

I would send an email to the principal and the teacher involved indicating the issue you're experiencing, and ask for the children to be separated at lunch time. There shouldn't be a problem with ensuring that these children aren't immediately next to each other. The major problem with implementation would be that the teacher usually isn't there supervising the children during lunch... she's in the teacher's lounge with her own lunch. Still, depending on how they handle the lunch room, there can still be things that she can do. For instance, if everyone lines up and eats in the same room, she can send the bully to the back of the line. I'd let the teacher and principal brainstorm about ways they can solve that, since it's their responsibility. I'd be letting them know, too, that I'm holding them responsible for solving it in a way that meets your child's needs without making him feel punished in any way.

Most school districts have written policies that describe how they take bullying situations seriously, and having sent it in writing means you can produce the notification later. That tends to help these things get taken more seriously.

My DD9 was experiencing a bullying issue earlier this year. In her case it involved three teachers, because DD is in a 3rd grade homeroom, a G/T math pull-out, and a G/T LA pull-out, all with the child involved. When I notified the school via email, all of the staff members involved took the situation seriously, took appropriate steps, and while the kids are still around each other all day and are clearly not friends, the bullying aspect has been resolved.

While doing all that Dude says, I would also go ahead and volunteer as a lunch room helper as this is a parent volunteer's job in my local school district. If this is allowed in your child's school, I suggest that you show up as a volunteer at lunch time and keep an eye on your child's situation until it is resolved.

Another idea is to find out what the "food sharing/trading" policy is at your child's school.

Due to increasing concerns about food allergy and other dietary considerations, many schools have QUITE strict prohibitions about touching/taking any other student's food.

To add to Dude's suggestions, use your district's exact language regarding its definition of bullying as published in their bullying policy. I've found that many teachers and principals don't see non-physical bullying as bullying until it's pointed out as such using their own words. It's malicious, it's a blind spot.

I second contacting the teacher and asking for the students to be separated at lunch. I would think they could sit at the same table, just not next to each other. Surely someone could tell the children not to sit next to each other and whoever supervises the lunchroom could check to make sure they are not.

At our school the vice principal handles discipline, and would be the person I would contact if the teacher didn't resolve the situation. Most schools take bullying very seriously, and even if the child is not doing this out of malice, if your son doesn't get to eat his lunch it IS bullying.

I would start by going in at lunch, introducing myself to whoever is watching over the students, and eating lunch with my child - and seeing who's in charge and to meet the child who's stealing your ds' lunch. It's possible (depending on the child involved) that something as simple as you sitting down at lunch for just one day, and telling the other child that you know he's been taking your ds' lunch and you are going to report it if he ever does it again, might be enough to stop it. If not, you'll have made a contact with the person who is in charge during lunch, and that would be my next step - let him/her know what's going on and ask for them to handle it however you think is best (separate the kids, watch out to catch the student in the act, whatever). Then after those things have failed, I'd send an email to principal etc as suggested above.

The reason I'd start with the lunchroom visit etc is - I saw a lot of things like this go on in my children's early elementary lunchroom on the days I happened to be there at lunch time, but the teachers aren't typically in the lunchroom and the adults who were charged with overseeing the kids had a huge massive bunch of chaos and noise to deal with, so it was easy for students who "quietly" picked on others to slide under the radar. When you go in, all of your focus will be on this specific situation, and that in and of itself might be all it takes to get the other student to stop.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I would also suggest visiting the school during lunch. I'd do this before getting the principal involved so you have a better understanding of the situation. Are you familiar with the child who is taking your child's food? Is it possible that this child doesn't understand that it's not ok to take food from your child? I know your child has talked to the lunchroom workers, and presumably they talked about this with the other child, but that doesn't mean that child understood. I work with Kindergarteners, and I could see several of my students doing this, given the opportunity. Not because they are trying to "bully" another student, but because the students I'm thinking of don't really understand social conventions like personal belongings/space (particularly students with ASD or developmental delays).

At any rate, I'd be sure that the situation really is originating from "ill will" before you throw the word "bullying" into the mix with school staff. It's a highly charged word and I'd use it sparingly.

I would ask the teacher to see the bully is served first - that way they will be seated and your child can sit somewhere else - would that work? I don't understand your system but was told the other day the he had an assigned table for his class. Alternatively if your child is confident enough tell him to say "get you hand out of my food" in a loud voice. We used to advise waitresses to do something similar when customers had roaming hands.

I am assuming you work or have younger kids so lunchtime visits aren't an option? I would also be concerned about the school's response to such an approach - would you like it if some other parent came into school to put the hard word on your child.

That seems to me like rewarding the behavior, and it'll probably seem like that to the child, too. You always get more of the behavior you reward.