Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to stop comparisons to pg by other g parents?

How can I stop other gifted parents from making comparisons between my pg ds7 to other gifted children? I've been getting into some awkward situations and would like some tips on what to say or do with some other parents who insist on making comparisons to him with their gifted kids who are being homeschooled too.

I'm homeschooling my ds7, an only child. He's working on a 6th grade curriculum and reading adult/college books on the Mesoamerican civilizations. He's been tested. I'm in the process of having him re-tested again due to his rapid accelerations and applying for DYS. He's been in two private gifted schools; neither one of the them could accommodate him. The first private gifted school believed he was pg.

I try very hard to avoid discussing ds's rapid acceleration or pgness in public or with other gifted parents who homeschool too. I usually stay mute or nod/laugh/shake my head. I try to say as little as possible. However, there's one parent who keeps bugging me and really persisting in interrogating me on what DS is doing academically. Her dd is about 10 months younger than my DS. Her dd is gifted, but not PG. She hasn't been tested or taken the same edu route as DS, but I do know she's reading at about 3rd grade level.

DD's mother seems to think she's in control of making her DD pg or that there's some magic potion formula or something, which remains elusive to her. She's like a Tiger Mom. I said that she shouldn't make comparisons between my son and her daughter and that her daughter will make the leaps with math and reading and move beyond the obsession with fairies when she's ready. This seems to fall on deaf ears.

How do you deal with these other parents and in these situations? I'm guess I'm looking for something quick and glib to say. I keep struggling to find the right words or actions on what to do. Pass the bean dip doesn't seem to cut it.

I wonder what would happen if you developed a power point presentation with graphics showing the inherent superiority on all relevant metrics of your DS when compared to her dd at that age?

That would certainly answer her question.

Maybe then she will leave you alone.

I would also think that the Egyptian civilization would be more interesting than meso-American civilizations, but that's just my personal bias as an amateur meta-historian.

(Granted, I was always a fan of comparisons growing up. And I should note that I suffered no ego damage when presented with someone who was profoundly more intelligent than I was. Although his brother caused me some minor embarrassment at one point professionally, but that was my fault.)

cdfox, unless this is someone who is important to you in some other way in your life, is it really necessary to continue a relationship? I've run into parents like this in a few different types of situations - not only with comparisons of levels of giftedness or academic achievement. Usually the people I've had this issue with are insecure in themselves (at least that's how it seems to me). There hasn't been anything I could do to change who they are, so instead I simply try to focus on including the people who I care about in my circle of life and ignoring people who are annoying to be around.

If she's someone who you care about and want to help in some way, I think I'd simply head off any further questions or conversations about this by suggesting to her that your recommendation is for her to have her dd tested - that will give her guidance in her dd's strengths and weaknesses and help her put together a homeschool program direction that will maximize her dd's achievement. I'd leave it at that, and change the subject when she asks questions about your ds. If she wants to hang out with you and you like hanging out with her, focus on going someplace interesting and interactive for your kids. You can also switch conversations from reading levels etc by bringing up interesting videos you've watched or places you've visited or hikes you've taken - things that will spark the creativity or imagination or capture the intellectual interest of any child. And if none of that works and you still want to hang with her and she's still making comparisons, be flat-out honest - let her know that you don't want to discuss your ds' homeschooling with her. You don't have to bring levels of giftedness into it, just be honest - you'd rather talk about other things.

Hang in there!

polarbear

In response to the aforementioned question, i get the impression these "tiger moms" are "living" via their gifted daughters/sons. That is, their success as a gifted individual serves as a conduit to feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment--especially if the parent's lifestyle is less than satisfying. I would not worry about these situations; these overly-competitive mothers and fathers are simply comparing when they should instead focus on the needs of the children. These sound more like insecurities needing resolution within the parents.

Thanks, thanks, thanks!

JonLaw - yes, I agree about Ancient Egypt . I thought my DS would spend a longer time than he did with that civilization but we quickly went on to the Olmecs, Mayans, Aztecs, Incas, Toltecs, Zapotecs, etc.

I've never been a fan of comparison with my siblings or cousins, but then I'm a middle child of three. Then again, we weren't exactly comparable. I didn't have the STEM background for the comparisons to the brainiacs/eg/pgs in the family either and I'm nothing like my older Aspie sister or younger brother.

Polarbear - Well, I would avoid her if I could and try to do. However, our kids are friends and we often bump into each other at various local homeschooling events, places, etc. At those times, like yesterday, she seems to pigeonhole me into a corner and awkward situation. It then seems to become a matter of diplomacy.

Yes, I agree that this person is insecure in themselves. Of course, videos are a good suggestion and a way to veer off in another discussion. I know this might seem dumb, but I didn't think of it. I just kind of go into a panic and withdraw when people start interrogating me about Ds's pg or academic situation.

I think heading off a discussion with comments with testing is another good suggestion.

Bingo, QT3.

But... in parenting circles, not handling this type well can turn around to bite you, too-- because all the other competitive parents would also just love to know about your PG child in greater detail so that they could hate you both, too.

{sigh}

I try to gently steer AWAY from my DD, often by recalling what it was like to get my own 2yo off of some thing she was determined to get into and shouldn't for her own good.

Yes, that is patronizing, but honestly, it gives me the patience to smile and say for the tenth time in twenty minutes... Ohhh, she's doing fine/her thing/you know/etc. (vague info)

I try to get them talking about THEIR child-- and to be complimentary and interested.

Sometimes I'll make a pointed comment about kids all following their own schedule, etc.

I've also gone so far as to point out that having DD means that NO school actually knows what to do with her-- and that we'd LOVE to have a child that was so successful in school, shouldn't compare to DD (the 'freak of nature' monologue, I call that).


Sometimes I'll take the passive aggressive but humor-driven approach.

"When your elementary-aged child squeals with delight over used college textbooks and disappears into her room for the next three days... and just grins for a few minutes over 'Disneyland' you know you have a bit of a problem..."

I kind of embrace the "my kid is a freak" persona in situations like this. It's not lying, exactly, but it is selective for me to point out the downsides to having a PG kiddo while downplaying the really cool aspects.

Is it possible this parent is a poor conversationalist, and thinks this is a good topic because she thinks it is what you/your kids have in common? Or maybe she is just really looking for an opening to brag about her own daughter's accomplishments/acceleration? Either way... I guess I would not have had any qualms about saying that your son is very interested at the moment in Mesoamerican civiliations, and you are just trying to keep feeding him appropriate textbooks and information to satisfy him in that area. Then turn it around and ask what her little girl is working on these days. And turn the conversation to the unusual ingredient in the bean dip if you have to. I never really felt like I had to keep my D's interests secret. She was into entomology, Lord of the Rings, and wildlife biology when none of her peers were... but if someone asked, I would say those things.

If someone asked my kid's test results or reading level, I would say, "Oh, we really don't share that info." Then ask them a question about their own kid.

You could just tell her where your son is at. Yes she might get snarky and weird, but she'd likely leave it alone after that.

(It's not like you've been engaging in an ongoing one-upping race - she's the one who is persisting in getting this info).

Of course it's none of her business, but hearing it might tame the tiger mom - reality check, so to speak. Kids are just at different levels - period. Not better or worse, but individual.

I avoid talking about what my DD is doing ... I smile and nod a lot.

I go for generics - no specifics about levels or subjects - but if someone asks for specifics it really depends on the vibe I am getting. I have sometimes been too comfortable with friends and said too much, just that one extra thing that even friends will look at me like I am either bragging or insane. But that's rare with friends who really know my DS7. Strangers and acquaintances I am much more reticent because I always feel their interest is akin to WHAT is that, the way you might notice something odd on the floor.

DeHe

I think this is harder when they are young. My ds is at the HS and his age mates are not. Some parents do ask me how we got his placement. I simply say go speak with the principle and she will tell you what will be required from you. I will tell them it included IQ, ACT, and course exit exams for us. They surprisingly rarely go speak to the principle.

My younger dd6 is a hider to begin with and it makes it much less apparent to the tigers prowling around. I have had given names of specific books she has read if some ask. I will actually tell someone who ask specific questions that it is private information and my children would be mortified if I shared it. Which is honestly how my children would feel. My children see it as bragging to share and rude for someone to ask them. Telling them my children would be upset very frequently works as it points out the boundaries indirectly to them. I daydreamed about asking what their kids lasted grade is in a class just to annoy them

Could it be that she's just trying to figure out HOW gifted her DD is? Maybe you should suggest to her that she get her DD tested - or at least passive-aggressively comment how helpful it was to you to get DS tested etc etc so she gets the hint (that's what I'd do, you may be braver than me!)

But Mesoamericans are FUN, and Egypt is so... Cannon. Everyone knows about them.

Thanks for starting this thread! I don't have any answers myself, I am still pretty gobsmacked by a jealousy incident that came up in my own life a few weeks ago.

DS7 said something really sweet about a friend of ours that just moved to Canada - that he wished he could move next door to our friend because he missed him. A mutual friend of all of ours who really dotes on DS7 completely got his knickers in a twist, as in "How come your DS doesn't want to move next door to me?"

Both friends are grown men, so the fact that our friend expressed so much jealousy over the innocent affection of a 7 year old kinda freaks me out. My husband posted something about "Now now friend, DS just likes Canada way more than where you live." and left it at that.

My feeling is that now I look at our jealous friend a little differently, as someone whose got a hole in his heart that I can't fill and it's not my job to fill (NOR MY 7 YEAR-OLD'S). Healing from jealousy is an inside job.

I can however stay out of the trap.

Had one of these parents in regards to my PG son. She would be right in my face with questions like "what is he doing, what do you do to get him to do all this". I would try to back up but to get some space but she would back up right along with me....horrible. Wherever I went she would follow. I did have to tell her what DS was doing, because she would not back off until I did. I ended up just saying that he does it on his own terms with little involvement from me. This seemed to work. I mean, what can you say to this? I have no "tips". End of discussion.

Isn't one reason this forum exists so that parents can share information about curricula? If someone asks me how we afterschooled our eldest son, what do I lose by telling them about Singapore Math and EPGY? If they ask what specific levels of these curricula we are using, I can tell them that too. Whether they feel bad because their child is behind mine or superior because their child is ahead is not my concern.

Well, if it were me I'd simply come right out and respond, "Why do you ask?" Then again, I've never been known to be politically correct and seem to put people on their heels with how blunt I am

If the response is something like, "I'm just frustrated and I don't know where to go with my DD/DS ......." then I'd likely fill in and help as much as possible. I don't like to assume I know motives, however, intention plays a huge role in my mind as to how much time I'm willing to invest educating someone. I know what I say is often perceived in a manner that wasn't my intention due to my direct nature, I like to give others the chance to explain their intentions as well.

This? Is creepy. See the book The Gift of Fear and trust your instincts.

I agree! My creep-o-meter was pegging too.

Chalk this up to a third vote for, "Don't let that guy near your child."

have you tried drowning them in information? After you have droned on in great detail for a few minutes about some book she read the other day you will see their eyes glaze over. Then you say "well that is enough about us, what have you been doing". I haven't tried it in this context but I have in others.

Why can't you jus be honest and say that you are not comfortable comparing your son with other kids. Giftedness is such a unique territory for each child. Your son is "turned on by ancient civilizations" whereas her child may be "turned on by myths and ancient religions." Both are hungry for learning but that is probably where the similarity ends. Giftedness is not a cookie cutter.

Can you just tell her outright that you know she is interested and you know she only wants the best for her child but the questions make you really uncomfortable?
Sometimes it is hard to tell someone the truth about these things but I think once you do you will be better off in regards to this woman.

I have talked to this mother and other mothers in a small gifted group that meets up about testing, curriculum, this forum, etc. I have even sent this group my livebinders (one of them - http://www.livebinders.com/play/play?id=637677&backurl=/shelf/my (others under wivenhoe) which includes a DYS link.

This particular mother is anxious, I know (and probably jealous too). She's told me that she keeps feeling like her daughter is missing something or missing out on something. She's got her daughter in many extracurricular activities and programs. She's been told her daughter is gifted, but so far has refused to get her tested. I know she's not confident at all about homeschooling. She's insecure and really believes that IF she can just get the right adult-directed curriculum, get her daughter to follow a program, achieve high scores on tests, etc. - that she'll be set. Though, I really wonder if they ever believe they'll be set. I tend to think if they had a pg kid that they would still be anxious regardless if they had perfect SAT scores at aged 10 or something. These people are so consumed by performance that they can't see the forest from the trees.

Today I was reading Peter Gray's book, Free to Learn, and thinking about my 2e pg son, the situation with these tiger Moms, etc. I don't know if anyone here has read the book, but it sums up the situation. Many parents today want to direct/protect their children and control their education to the nth degree. This mother is no different.

Many, many parents today are anxious about the future. They're nervous about future job prospects for their children. I don't blame people for being anxious, it's just I don't want it shoved other people's anxiety and jealousy in my face.

Last I bumped into this mother, I did say that each child progresses at their own rate and that when her daughter is ready she'll start doing 4th, 5th, or 6th grade work. I said that just because my son is doing 4th, 5th, or 6th grade work doesn't mean he's got the breadth or depth, which is partly true. Still, I could tell that this reply was not enough and will never be enough for people like her. She wants something she cannot have - security, total control, and a compliant, obedient, high achieving daughter.

Other people don't necessarily want to accept that everyone is different, including gifted or 2e kids. They don't want to accept that giftedness embraces a spectrum and that even within the category of pg there is a broad spectrum. What can you say? I can bring a horse to water but I can't make them drink it.

If my son wasn't friends with her and if we didn't keep bumping into her at the Y, playgrounds, playgroups, etc. then I wouldn't belabor the situation. However, I think I'll be sticking to discussions about Downton Abbey in the future. I can't really discuss my son's videos - they're all on Mayan cenotes or something similar. Better still, I'd ask about fairies. That's a world I'd like to learn about too.

Still, I feel bad for the daughter and other children like her. Their overbearing parents and pressure put on them will doom them if they're not careful.

wow. I didn't know about kidtopia. Thanks cdfox!

La Texican - You're welcome. I keep creating livebinders when I see great websites or stuff and I don't want to keep that stored in my head. So I love them. There's just too much to keep track of and resources otherwise.

I haven't read it yet but - Madeline Levine's book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success - has got a section on the tiger moms and the perils with parental pressure and high achievement. I'm sure there's nothing about pg parenting in the book, but I'm sure there's something about dealing with the voices of fear that are loud and incessant (though never completely unfounded).

As pg parents, we provide the pond for our children to learn and navigate around, but not the ship.

I agree! Such mystery! However, hieroglyphics grabbed me.

cd:

You could try the favorite response of managers when asked about work-related things at a party: "Let's not talk shop...how about them____?" (insert favorite sport team)

We tell our son not to share details with people and to say if asked, "That's personal information." Perhaps you could say the same and if she persists, ask her her weight.

You get the idea.

I second this. Many victims later said that they ignored "that feeling".

Yep, my son made it very clear to me a few years ago that he was not a trained monkey for me to show off. So I fight off the temptation whenever it comes up.

It's made it a lot easier to introduce accelerations when I learned to follow his lead and his enthusiasm for life.

I ask people if I can ask how much they weigh or for their Social Security number when they ask how much Native American I am. It does make people realize that they are in fact asking a very personal question and one fraught with big issues of identity in a vein similar to trying to compare gifted children.

Just put a hold on this at our local library... thanks for the recommendation.

This reminds me of an afternoon back when DD was 3 and we were visiting a friend with her 3 year old son. She asked me to teach him how to read.

(I actually tried! What an eye opening afternoon that was for me)

First, to me, it seems like you just don't like this person. That she rubs you the wrong way.

I am not there, but I think you may be over-interpreting her questions. I often ask questions about curriculum because when I home school, there are so few other parents of gifted children to talk to. I don't know why you wouldn't just be straightforward and matter of fact about your child's curriculum, instead of imagining that she will respond poorly.

I also think you have no ability to tell if her child is HG, PG or whatever level of G. As someone who works with gifted kids (certified EC-6, gifted) and has one HG, one PG child according to WISC-IV, it is very difficult to know what level a child is unless you take time to spend with them, test them, see what their milestone history is, etc.

I would either, decide she irritates you and not associate with her, or give her the benefit of the doubt and share information with her. I think their is a chance you are participating in the competition part and perhaps you need to be honest with yourself about it.

I've been trying to put a lid on some of what my ds7 shows (ie. his Tikal Times or Codices or a book on the Chavin). However, ds7's so eager to share what he's read and learnt that he can't help himself using the vocabulary or terms. He thinks other kids will be interested too. Of course, most kids have no clue what these terms are or what he's talking about, but ds7 seeks to enlighten them or more like teach them.

I think ds7 just finds it more exciting to play in his world of Mesoamerica than the lens of a more NT child. As a result, he'll start talking about Aztec gods or assigning others to be from an ancient civilization (ie. one to be a Toltec, another to be a Mixtec, and another to be a Mayan) when they play pretend games. In most cases, the other kids go along with it and join in with his ideas.

Then, the other parents overhear what my ds7 says or does; they do a double-take and turn their heads. This is the point when I want to hide under the table or rug if one was available. I usually blush and just shake my head, laugh, or plead ignorance on where or how my son got these crazy ideas or how he got interested in these subjects.

Usually most other parents smile or laugh about ds7, but unfortunately, some people get caught up in what ds7 is doing or saying and how their child isn't doing or coming up with similar ideas/words/etc. These parents refuse to believe that some children can come up with crazy ideas on their own or become experts on something that they're ignorant on. They think I MUST be directing him in some capacity. And, of course, I'm not. Instead, I often feel like ds7 is directing me! And of course they'd never believe that one.

I don't believe my son (6) is PG, but he does this also with his Kindergarten class. On his "share day" he wants to bring in his anemometer and talk about wind speed. I've had to nix that idea because he's in a typical classroom (non-gifted) and those kids barely know about wind, let alone a way of measuring it's speed.


When DS was around two, I was in Target and a mother came in with her two twin (?) pre-teens. I overheard the conversation between the siblings and my head whipped around. These kids were conversing (arguing points, actually) on a level seldom heard between adults, let alone twelve-ish year old children. I was sorely tempted to hail her and pick her brain on where her children were when they were two because at that stage, I realized DS was beyond the baby book milestones...way beyond.

But that being said, one would think mothers and fathers of gifted children would understand that there are different levels and not get so "freaked out" about it as you describe. It is what it is. The kids are all on their own path...get over it, right?



This sounds suspiciously like parents of typical children. Of course you understand what I mean by "typical". (I hate the term "normal", btw.) Are you sure these are parents of bonafide gifted kids?

I guess I don't understand. I have never worried about my kids "fitting in." I always figured they would find their way, sooner or later, to peers, and they have. When my son was 6, he was obsesed with the presidents, he knew every one, their birthdates/death dates, their term dates, their vice presidents, vice presidents birth/death dates. All of them. He went to a NAEYC 1st grade class, and had no issues expressing his passions. One student in his class was developmentally delayed, they became good friends. I just don't get worrying about other people's reactions. It is a part of life. Would you worry about your child of they were developmental delayed, appearing to be delayed?

Some parents would. I'm becoming certified to work with developmentally delayed kids, and one of the focuses that we're being taught is to respect their dignity, and give them space in the class if they don't want us hovering over them (ie peer acceptance).

That being said, I'm over worrying about my kids being different (it was harder when they were younger though). I think it's easier if you were different yourself (which I was... and I'm ok )

Not everyone feels this way though, and I think many parents wish their kids had the ability to blend, to save themselves from peer rejection.

I am amazed that anyone receives any judgement about their gifted child in America. You seem to have fantastic support and education for your kids. In Australia, we have nothing. I would think that parents would be used to gifted kids by now in your country.

One of my DS8's best friends is what could best be described as 'slow' and it doesn't bother either of them one bit. There is so much more to what I would call 'personal validity' than just cognitive abilities.

Do you really care if competitive people hate you? If you're sure the other parent isn't just worried that their child is behind (I usually laughingly say "don't worry, that's not normal"), then why would you want someone in your life who's going to be either thinking you're boasting or boasting themselves. Or they'd be making notes on where you bought your shoes or the square footage of your house or something equally silly.

I do just say pass the salt / how about this weather if I end up in conversation with someone like that. Luckily, I really don't know any hothousers. Some acquaintances, but I just avoid them, really.

(I'm trying to avoid using the term Tiger Mom after realising how hard it is for non-hothousing asian mothers of gifted kids to overcome the stereotype)

I'm not sure about this. The main thing that I've seen in the US with, as you mention, the focus and support for the education of gifted kids, is the assumption that "gifted" is not an innate difference in a person, but rather something that we have developed through proper education or parenting. It has tended to lead to a lot of competition: "little Johnny got into the gifted program," or it reflects positively on me as a parent that my kid is gifted, for instance.

If you look at our national organization dedicated to the education of gifted kids, the NAGC, they currently subscribe to a talent development model of giftedness. One of their publications on their website talks about this in a manner that, to me at least, makes it sound like we can "make" kids gifted through our interactions with them:

emphasis mine
http://www.nagc.org/index.aspx?id=164

I had a couple of parents ask how I got my son reading at age 2-1/2. I did a couple of things that are nice for kids of any ability. I created a print-rich environment and got a copy of Jim Trelease's Read-Aloud Handbook and did what it said.

But in the end, with my son, he just started reading when I started reading and I didn't make it happen any sooner than it was going to. I remember one brief moment of feeling sad (?) when I knew he could decode whole sentences without help from me and he wouldn't need phonics help.

I volunteer in son's first grade class during reading and writing. I am quietly amazed by all the different reading levels and the kids who need sound by sound support for the same words one or two pages later.

Yes, I did the same thing - have a print-rich environment.

My ds7 is 2e and was born with some severe special needs. I've actually had the child with global developmental delays (feeding, fine, gross, speech, vision, etc). I know how mothers feel with a child who can't do something 90%+ children can do.

He was in special needs for 5 years until I withdrew him and put him in a private gifted school. Within 2 1/2 months, I was told my ds7 was possibly pg and the gifted school could no longer accommodate him (no one mentioned that part about the gifted schools...sigh). Next gifted school said something similar and ds lasted a little over a year. I'm homeschooling/unschooling this year as a result.

I'm in the middle of reading Teach Your Children Well. I like the term cruise or camp director for the parents who want to provide umpteen extracurricular activities. These parents follow a calendar of activities that would challenge a cruise director. They tend to have a pervasive sense that one is not doing enough unless they are scheduled up the kazoo with activities (usually adult-directed) and enough academic rigor.

Every grade, every interest, every activity, every pursuit is a step toward or away from academic success, it seems with the cruise directors. Everything is externally driven and externally motivated.

What's ironic (and interesting) is that internal motivation is highly correlated with higher academic success and lower levels of emotional distress. The driver of lifelong learning, curiosity, persistence, and engagement with material stems from internal motivation as well. Unstructured play provides the greatest opportunities for kids to be curious, creative, and spontaneous - not the life created by the cruise director or adult-directions.

My ds7 like many pg kids is motivated more by an internal mechanism than an external one. And yet, he is born with hypotonia (low muscle tone) and dyspraxia (motor planning) and does not know how to tie shoes, for instance. Too many steps for him.

Next time I run into this cruise director mother or another parent, I'll have some questions and comments for the ready:

1) My son struggles with effort and persistence at times. How do you address it? Does your son/daughter know how to tie their shoes, swim, or ride a bike without training wheels (all of which involve motor planning!)?
2) What does your son/daughter find so exciting or engaging about x, y, or z?
3) How are you working on character building and caring for others? How do you rein in their impulsivity/ self-control?
4) How are you addressing unstructured play? How much time do you give it and what does your child do? I find my child is better with far less, then more (of toys, activities, etc.). Far less meltdowns too (thought I'd mention).
5) How do you encourage opportunities to try, fail, and pick yourself up again? I don't like failure either, but it is part and parcel of life. Yes, we've got perfectionists in our household/family too. Still, I'd rather have ds7 fail at something in elementary school age stuff than as a twenty-something adult.
6) How do you know how much to push and when to back off? How do your admire their tenacity and their willingness to experiment?

By the way, what do you do for fun?

Hi. I am not sure I agree with your assessment of her daughter. The only reason I say this is because PG can be measured in different ways. I have two sons that are both PG, but they are VASTLY different in their giftedness. My DS9 is a lego master that can build entire cities to scale with random legos. My DS6 would probably just come and knock the things down..lol. But he'll explain complex math theories to you like he's reading a cereal box. They are totally different kids with completely different PGness. Maybe her daughter is PG, but just in a different way? Neither of you should be comparing your children because after all, they are different kids entirely.

I didn't even realize our younger son was PG until later in his life when he started spouting out mathematical solutions that were beyond even my own comprehension. But it took him the ability to really understand language before he could show us his stuff, so to speak. My older son was putting together lego sets for 9-14 yo's at age 18 months, so we had a clue early on. Again, younger son and legos do not mix. So, we just thought all PG kids had the lego thing going out. But they don't. And your child and her child could be on the same level but just with different talents. Every one is unique. You can start by telling her that.

Although parents like this exist, I find it simply doesn't work to categorize parents into boxes - life isn't as simple as that. I'm sure if you looked at two of my children's schedules it would be easy to put me into the "cruise director" category - particularly my youngest dd. But it's not about me driving her to be successful (and especially not about me forcing external motivation or hoping she'll be some amazing prodigy)... it's completely driven *by her* and she's been lucky enough to be in a family where we can make those things that give *her* pleasure happen for her. She simply loves lots of things - and when she likes something, she likes it full-on all-out *and* she asks for lessons. She's had outside-of-school lessons every day of the week except Sunday since she was in first grade - not because we as her parents are trying to push her, but because she begs for them. And she's good at a lot of what she does - but not because she's a prodigy, but because she practices and works at it and most of all *loves* it. She is bored with downtime, and she also has a lot of anxiety in her life due to PTSD. Keeping her busy with extracurriculars keeps *her* sane and happy. Our ds is not anywhere nearly as driven, but he also functions best when he has a schedule and we can give him outside activities to participate in - in his case it's all about his intelligence - he's not getting what he needs for intellectual challenge at school and we are filling it in where we can in areas of his interests outside of school. Part of that includes taking online classes. If you met him, and didn't spend the time to really get to know him, I'm sure there's nothing that would scream out at you saying "Hey! This kid is EG!!! He needs intellectual stimulation!!!"... but as his parent, I know that he is and I know what his needs are and I know how to fill them in (usually!). But if you looked in from the outside at these two kids, it might be easy to think I was a "cruise director" mom.

BUT - if you are perhaps thinking I *am* a cruise director mom... I also have a middle dd who does not like extracurriculars, likes lots of downtime and isn't winning any highly gifted races. She spends tons of downtime just playing on her own and with friends, she is highly creative, and also, um, not terribly motivated. I suspect she'll find motivation in her own time. But just as some kids who are pushed to the extreme to accomplish things aren't going to develop intrinsic motivation... I suspect there are also kids who are parented completely the opposite of cruise director moms who also don't develop internal motivation - at least not while they are children

OK, enough rambling from me

Best wishes,

polarbear

I understand this girl may or may not be pg and that it may be presumptuous for me to say so. Yes, she may be a late bloomer. That's true.

There is an assumption by some that 'giftedness' is not an innate trait/characteristic but is gained or developed through proper education or parenting. UK parents face similar issues based on Child Genius (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/...is-a-genius-and-it-isnt-always-easy.html)

I realize that there are parents with children who are pulling them for the intellectual stimulation or activities, but there's a difference between them and those children who are put in the intellectually stimulating or other activities because they parents think it will give them a competitive edge in school or life - not because the child has an interest or likes an activity.

Some parents are anxious to let their children get bored or to let their children have free or unoccupied time. Other parents think children will not gain valuable musical training, for instance, if they do not start before a certain time. They think it's never too early to start anything. I've had parents tell me these things and I've since read about these parents too.

Perhaps this hyperparenting that I've encountered is worse in places NYC and MA where competition can be fierce for jobs, housing, slots at school or university, or even nursery school. I don't know. I do know, though, that I'm not the only one who has noticed it and commented on it. Many parents are plagued with worry that they are not doing enough today.

I personally believe it is important to expose young kids to various activities etc, so they can find what it is that they really enjoy and perhaps are also good at.

I have friends who have kids in so many activities, they can barely keep them straight, and arranging playdates is tough. but if the kids are happy and thriving with all the extra activites, I think that is what is important.

I have no problem about cruise director parents or whatever name you want to call it, IF it is what the kid wants like polarbear described her one dtr.

I cringe when the kid is begging not to go, would rather do a different activity etc. or just stay home and have free time to explore their own creativity--- also what it sounds like polarbear does for her middle dtr? ((which yes does prove that polar is treating each childs needs individually as is I think very important ))

fwit, my own DS has a love of art- acrylics to be exact. so he enjoys art camp that is nothing but art. lunch time to ea but no breaks on playground to play tag or slide. just art. he thrives. so this is his major summer thing. aside from this, he loves to just sorta be "free" to do whatever he wants, maybe read, or create something, just play alone within his own imagination, he loves all that. he also enjoys playing with friends.

DS also begs me to do martial arts, but I can't afford it...
*I will be "forcing" DS to take swimming lessons. a needed necessity for socal living= interesting DS loves the water, but refuses lessons!

Interesting dilemma. The discomfort people feel toward highly gifted children also occurs among teachers as well. My oldest was in a pull-out math class back in 3rd grade, and the gifted support teacher "complained" that he was "making the other gifted kids feel bad because he would finish the work so quickly and then need more to do." So glad when he was able to move on from that.

This may be a good indication that a parent is looking for a discussion forum? Here a parent may find helpful tips regardless of their child's LOG.

I might try discussing with her that gifted children are individuals. Even if her daughter were PG the chances that she would have the same interest, strengths or developmental pattern as your son would be minimal. Also, tell her you respect your sons privacy and part of that respect is that you do not discuss him or his educational progress with others. If this does not work I would just ignore/avoid her because she is obviously unable to respect boundaries!