Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion What would you do differently?

If you had known then what you know now, what would you have done differently for your child/ren?

I'm not sure I can actually come up with anything re DS - I overthought parenting and education to a ridiculous degree (partly in the context of what went wrong with mine, which turned out to be relevant as DS is very like me) and then arrived here early and had the benefit of other people's thinking (and overthinking!) too. Re myself, however, if I'd known in my own childhood and teenage years what I know now, I'd have done whatever it took to get challenges other than perfectionist ones!

What about you? If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself-as-younger-parent, or indeed yourself-as-child?

There is a >15 year age gap between my eldest and youngest, so in one sense, it's very much like having do-overs. My general parenting style remains much the same-- though I am far, far less likely to trust that the schools know what they're doing.

Exactly-- I don't regret thinking about this stuff early. I needed to, and honestly, it only helps that we were somewhat open to profound giftedness (because it exists in our families) at a young age. I just fought being "non-normative" for way too long. I guess that I thought that I could give my daughter a "normal" childhood and she'd be smart (like both parents), but all the other stuff that I wasn't, too. Hasn't worked that way. She's more of the things that we struggled with as kids. Predictably, in hindsight.

Ooooo-- self-as-child. Those are the REALLY big ones.

Mom, Dad? That grade-skip thing? Yeah-- that would be a REALLY good idea. And don't assume that behavioral problems = "bad" kid. Nice label, by the way, but I wasn't really a 'bad' kid, I had an incredibly nice heart to go with that huge mouth. Guilt, avoidant-perfectionism, and helplessness. Great recipe, that-- assuming that you are looking to develop both self-loathing and extreme underachievement, I mean. Self-destructive behaviors are optional and varied, by the way. Kids who hate themselves and would do anything for approval often gravitate to druggies and people who are basically predatory, by the way. Surprise! (That still doesn't make your child "bad" by the way-- just lonely and desperate for a peer group that won't offer up repeated rejection and mockery.)

Find appropriate challenges for your daughter, live outside of your OWN comfort zone a lot-- and TAKE RISKS. Nobody expects you to be perfect. Really. Don't expect it of yourself or your child.

Oh, and guard more carefully to make sure that your child doesn't become "that freak" by virtue of leaked S-B scores, okay? That really sucked. In fact, you might consider skipping that entirely, since you clearly didn't use the information to make placement decisions. :sigh:

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Advice to myself as a new parent:

1. If your own parents made this many major errors in your own development, why are you listening to them tell you what to do with your OWN child?? Duh.

2. Parent the child you actually HAVE. Not the one you "think" you have, the one you 'wish' you had, or the one OTHER people think you should have.

3. You can't "parent" a child into normativity. Either they are somewhat normative or they aren't, and this isn't a parenting thing. It's a child-centered thing. (Assuming that you don't make truly bizarre parenting decisions that reflect your OWN needs more than your child's-- because it is possible to parent for freakishness. Note to self-- do not be temped to name your child after astronomical phenomena or to rigidly insist that others do EVERYTHING that your toddler demands so as not to 'damage' his/her self-determination... just saying. A child's epic tantrum in the grocery store isn't necessarily a sign of anything but a profound need for a nap. )

One thing that I've noticed in parenting my PG dd is that she is far MORE 'normal' and ready to fit in with different peer groups as we've let go of our pressure on her to fit in. Now that we've given her permission to be who she REALLY is, she's just more comfortable in her own skin. She has a lot more confidence as a result. Wish I'd known that a lot earlier. It wasn't so complicated. I just made it that way by trying to force a family of square pegs into one round hole after another. As a Taoist, I really should have known better.

Advice to myself as a child: run away.

Advice to myself with DS ready to enter public school: while remaining polite, be much more aggressive, and always ask for deadlines and specifics when accommodations are offered. Don't accept a plan which delegates too much planning and implementation to a new teacher after the next school year begins, especially if said teacher is not at end-of-year meetings. Ask for criteria used to select DS's teachers, instead of trusting that a choice was appropriate. Insist on a retest immediately if DS is rushed through MAP testing and not given pencil or paper. Engage an outside IQ and achievement tester earlier, instead of wasting the entire kindergarten year. Engage an educational consultant earlier.

Most of my time is spent trying to keep me together and functional, so I really don't have the time or energy to figure out what to do with my kids.

Hopefully my wife has that covered

So, I think the answer is that I would have tried to figure out what I was doing with myself before I had kids.

Also, I would lived my life completely differently.

I would stop optimistically hoping that teachers were experts ... I kept deferring to them on the basis that I assumed they had a clue about what to do with dd. I, like lucounu, would also be much more assertive in dealing with teachers and school administrators.

I would never try and down play dd's abilities when she was right beside me (fortunately realised I was doing this when was very small and stopped - I was trying I make other parents feel better then realised that wasn't my job!)

I'd be more honest with other parents - I have actually found most people are just curious about and ok with our choices when I am just open. In the beginning I'd start feeling like I had to justify myself and we'd all get a bit defensive. So now I just answer factually, if only when asked directly.

I'd embrace the loneliness of parenting an hg++ kid earlier - it's not going to change and I expended too much energy worrying about it. The flip side of that is I'd start seeking out other families with gifted kids earlier.

Like others have said, I'd parent the child I have earlier, rather than the one I thought she should be. I though gifted should look like one kind of kid (as do schools) - motivated, perhaps a little academically obsessive - when in fact they can look like, well, anything. Mine who at 6 has out of grade testing from school and psych showing she's across most of the 6th grade curriculum - has not the slightest academic motivation. She's a thinker rather than a doer. I spent waaaaayy too much time fretting about that meaning she wasn't gifted and that I was just making stuff up - despite having substantial other evidence that that was not the case.

I'd trust my gut more. It's always steered me right when I've taken the time to listen to it rather than rely on parenting books that just never seem to fit!

I would spend less time biting my tongue out of fear of being labeled "that parent." I would be less likely to take 'no' for an answer when my gut told me there was a problem. If the pediatrician wouldn't send us for an OT eval I would have sought out the school district or tested on my own rather than wait THREE YEARS for the eval because "she's just SO far ahead of the curve that age appropriate seems like a deficit even when it's not." I would research dyslexia on my own rather than accept that you can't diagnose it in a kid that young and accept that she was just SO smart she clearly just wasn't emotionally ready to deal with her advanced abilities. I would have reported the horrible regional magnet that traumatized DD and led to her anxiety diagnosis the FIRST time they penalized her for her deficits. And I would have made them explain to the Dept of Ed why they refused to accommodate documented deficits or agree to do spec ed testing because "she'd never qualify - she's too smart."

Most, if not all, of my regrets come from the 2E side. I don't know if I would have regretted things associated with the giftedness if we didn't have the 2nd E in the mix...

This is really interesting. I don't think there is anything I could have done different to "save" myself as a child. Nothing *I* could have done would have helped me and my situation. The best I could have told myself was that it would get much better and try to let myself know that I didn't fit in because I'm different in a good way. I'm not broken or defective. I learn more quickly and think more deeply. I wish someone would have just told me that. Even my mom acted like I was defective.

I only have a 22 month old, so who knows what I'll regret. So far I do NOT regret coming into this already aware of some of the signs of giftedness and of doing research once I saw where DD was at. My mom (we're around her a lot) sees some negative traits in DD (as she did me) where I see positive traits - I see signs of intelligence and a deeper level of thought and feeling than anyone else gives DD credit for. I'm able to see her as "spirited", instead of "too much", and know that "too much" is a good thing to be. I'm always there letting people know when they're underestimating her just because she looks like a baby, and DD benefits. I'm the one who says "Let her try".

Everyone should have faith in their child and see the good in them, but I see elements of myself as a child and I want DD to feel loved and accepted as she is. I'll be battling my own perfectionism, but I hope I can be a good role model...

If I coud change something about my past, I 'd tell my parents to find me somehting interesting to do. Seriously, man. My dad tried.

I'd have probably skipped me or something.

My mother gave the message "you shouldn't havw to think or try, you're so smart" explicitely. A lot. Yeah, that was bad. The bit about making sure I didn't have to know my math facts by getting a drs note... BAD. Making me drop math in 9 th grade because I was auful at math facts (see prev) and you didn't get it that 9x.7 %ile in matematicla reasoning is a decent score for that sort of thing... Oy. Maybe my dad just should have gotten custody!

My dad should have trusted how smart.... And also Wise he was. He should have come on some internet forum and sorted himself out.... Erm... Uh... Ok problem there. He should have found a psych and... Oh, yeah, he tried, but they were all "kinda dull". Mmmmm. Erg, hmmmmmmm.

Also, those guys over there at the nuke plant where I did my intership in phys/chem in highschool. You should have EXPLAINED the damned experiment to me. I retrospect, I get it and it wa really kinda neat. I did ASK, you know. And now I have sokooooooo many more questions.....

My kids are too young for the other part of the assignment to apply

What would I have done differently? Gah. For each mistake my parents made they also did an unusually good job of providing a tool to help frame and cope with my life... They did their best. A little less assumption that I could do anything I wanted to do and would succeed at anything without any support or guidance would not have gone astray.

For my own kids. I wish I could unread "Raising Your Spirited Child" and get back all the years I normalised how not NT my eldest child was. I wish, when holding her back was on the table in yr2 that we had. Yes she'd be ahead academically now (which is what we could all see coming and why school backflipped on holding her back), but nothing comes easy to her and I think social fit will matter more to her than academic fit in highschool. She's never going to be better off being young for grade. I wish we had not pulled her out of fancy private and moved her to local public, not that we had any real choice, but this is about wishes and fishes right?

I wish that when fancy private preschool/school refused to accelerate DD#2 into school 6 months early, that instead of smiling and nodding and trusting them (while crying at home over how she was crying at home), I had smiled and nodded and made a beeline to my local public, where she is currently grade skipped and far better off, and we are not paying for her to be miserable.

So there you have it, I have one I should have held back, one I should have pushed ahead earlier. One that was better off at fancy private and one that is better off at local public. And a 2.5yr old I have absolutely no idea what to do with.

My "What would I do differently?" won't even help me with my own third child, so I am not sure it's of any use to anyone else...