Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parental Isolation

I agree that problems with "competitive parenting" tend to occur when the parent is overly invested in the child's accomplishments. Perfectionist parenting doesn't work, but that doesn't keep (us) perfectionists from having kids. (!)

In addition to perfectionism, a big part of the problem, I think, comes of parents who are used to being top achievers suddenly having nothing of their own to do anymore except raising the kids. I was a high-achiever, and being reduced to repeating the alphabet ad nauseum (because it was my son's obsession from ages 12mos-16mos or so) was just killing my soul. I actually taught myself to whistle during that time because I was so bored. It took lots and lots of practice, but it gave me something to do that was my own project. By the time I had my second child, I needed more, and it's one of the reasons I started writing the novel. It was that or go back to work...or lose my ever-lovin' mind.

Don't get me wrong: I love being a stay-at-home parent and I wouldn't trade my time with the kids for anything. But it was never easy for me. If I hadn't realized what a strain it was for me and made sure that I had my own life, too, I think I could have become too invested in my kids' accomplishments and become one of those competitive parents. So I have a lot of sympathy.

My solution: when confronted with someone who wants to be a rival, I refuse to join the fight. I pull out my standard, "Yes! It's so great what your child can do. Amazing! They all develop in their own ways, don't they? It's such fun to watch them grow and learn."

It seems to diffuse the competitive spirit almost immediately, though with diehard competitors, it might take a few repetitions. If the person really won't let it go, I avoid him/her. But I've only had to do this once. It seems that competitive parenting is usually only fun if there's someone to compete against.

May I join the club of 'isolated parents'?

A few days ago I shared a little bit more about DD's problems at the school with a friend and she was ... furious!!! How did I dare to suggest that she needs a modification of the curriculum? Shame on me....

My parents, well my mohter, is a sympathetic listener, but I do not think she does have a real understanding of the GT issues. I can talk to her, but she does not give me any real feedback or advice. Well, at least she listens.

But in general, I feel more and more isolated. On top of that I am quite extroverted, wich means I NEED to talk. And the results is that I am having nightmares with DD's curriculum and going over and over it the whole night. DH of course is on my side but he is an introvert and does not like to discuss endessly the subjects that worried him, so I talk a lot to myself.

About competitive parenting, I agree with Kriston how to deal with it. I think it is great.

I think you all have a point about the competitive thing. I agree it's hard with someone to compete with you if you don't compete back!
I've sometimes wondered if what I'm interpreting as competetiveness, is the other's parents more underlying need to validate what they think they know about their child. That is, hey, my child is really smart and that's something special about them!
I feel lucky that I have chosen to have my children tested so I know exactly what I'm dealing with and don't have to question my instinct about my children's intelligence.
I feel for these parents that know in their heart that their child is gifted, but they have to wait for that letter from the school admitting the child to the GT program to have it "confirmed".
That's got to be a rough place to be. Having hard evidence of their potential also helped me be more proactive with the schools and didn't back me off when the school tried to manage my expectations.
I find that competetiveness just as annoying as anybody else, don't get me wrong. I just think in some cases there is more going on than meets the eye.

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CFK, I didn't see your post as I was writing mine. Good points. I think you are right about that.
Those comments you mentioned are just downright rude!

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Dottie, so maybe your friend just needs to hear that you think she did a good job as a parent? Remember my (borrowed) theory that we argue when we feel insecure, not when we know we're right? This seems to be a prime example of that! Maybe you really do just need to give her the reassurance you detailed:


Maybe giving her those pats would open the floor to discussing LOGs with her and freeing her up to accept the friendship in a more balanced way again. (Maybe not, but maybe.) If she thinks you hear her, maybe she won't feel the need to be competitive anymore?

You know how I feel about rampant emotionalism, but it seems like this is one case where the fact that you understand how she's feeling might really help you to connect better with her.

Just a thought...

Can't say I blame you!

Have a lovely, non-competitive lunch.

I also worked for about 20 years and my daughter graduated from a public school. My son is almost ten, so I am probably one of the few with an older child having to deal with isolation.

My life was very different while I was working full time. I had work friends. I dressed in nice clothes. People were nice and friendly to us. My daughter was physically gifted (a cheerleader) as well as above average in intelligence so she fit in beautifully in an area where you are a nerd or a geek if you are too smart and physical giftedness is more valued than academic giftedness.

We moved to a small town to be closer to my parents and because we thought a smaller school would be better for my son since he had motor delays and hypotonia in addition to being academically gifted. I didn't realize the public school in this town was known as the "sports school" and that we would have to homeschool for my son to have an appropriate education, so it was a big mistake, but we have to stay now for family reasons. My dad needs our help in taking care of my mother.

Last week, we just happened to look up the meaning of the prefix "iso" meaning equal, because my son still plans to try out for the spelling bee next year and we have just been going through the dictionary. He asked about the word isolated and said it must have come from something else. So we looked it up and it said something about an island and we both talked about how it felt to be on "our own little island" and how we will just have to make the best of it. We know that our little island is better than the one my parents live on. When my mother became ill, family members even stopped coming over to visit so we try to visit every day because we know how painful the isolation can be at times. I come home from those visits feeling like I have had the life sucked out of me sometimes but I think my son understands. I wanted my son to be able to attend school part time so he could get away from this at least some of the time but unless our laws are changed they don't have to help us with anything. It has been several weeks now and still no answer from my state senator and my state representative and no answer to my email to the Oklahoma State Superintendent of Public Schools.

What I worry about a little is that I don't push DD9 at all academically. (Or at least I'm afraid that I don't) because my internal model of learning is so self-directed. I do harp on about effort and justice and so on -- the playing violin is hard and you get better if you practice and you don't if you don't line -of -thinking. I think that I may be cheating her because I am more pg than she is and may make unwarranted assumptions that she gets everything instantaneously, too. (Grokking,,,)

When she doesn't get something right away she promptly does avoidance.., I try to catch that.

Ooops, I'm rambling in that INFP way...
Aline

LOL, aline! It was very interesting "rambling" though, if you think that's what it was. I personally enjoyed it and hope you'll keep it up!

LoriH
My heart goes out to you and your son...