Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Must I lie? Why oh Why? (rant)

herenow: it was in a situation where saying what I wanted to say would have been a huge regret...so I am proud that I held my tongue....this time.

I agree with your analysis of why people act as they do, but they might act differently if they were better-informed. If people were more accepting of the heritability of intelligence and the relationship between intelligence and academic achievement, they would be more fatalistic and worry less. When the media stresses environmental explanations of why some kids do better in school than others, parents feel pressured to create the perfect environment.

Isn't it something like 80% genetic / 20% environmental?

Even 20% gives a lot of wiggle room for environmental competition.

And then you get into the entire area of neuroscience and brain plasticity.

I don't think they'd act differently. I think that people actually do realize that talent (including IQ) is largely inherited, whether they like to talk about it out loud or not. A child's abilities are reflection of his parents' abilities. This, in part, is driving the pecking moms (and occasional dads). Remember that blog post that Joyce Slaton wrote? She was the one who wanted an "Amazing Super Child who was going to prove to the world how 5-star my DNA is...."

What are braggart parents doing but putting their DNA and superior parenting skills on the table to show them off? Being proud of your child is a wonderful healthy feeling, but there are some parents who go past the wonderful healthy aspect of it and head into getting territory that's not healthy.

Say a group of insecure people are jockeying for position in the DNA/parenting skills hierarchy. Junior's skill acquisition is the currency they use to climb the tower. They're all in roughly the same place, and getting into the highest group is a reasonable possibility with a bit more of the right kind of effort.

Then someone else comes along and says that her five-year-old is reading Magic Tree House research guides....well, other parents could react as though someone just, emm, peed on their DNA and parenting skills. I'm not trying to be crude here. I can't think of a better way to say it.

And IMO, announcing that, "Oh, we don't push her, she pulls us --- she just loves to read," can make things worse. It says that the other person's superior parenting skills aren't so superior after all.

Added: I'm not trying to excuse the mean-spirited reaction described in the OP. I'm just trying to find a way to explain it.

In our case, there is no DNA...so often we hear...Why are you pressuring these kids??? As if they should be fortunate enough to have been "rescued" and elevated to "regular kids". I used to argue...but now...it is all about protecting the dds from idiocy!

I did the "struck dumb" with an internal grimmace.

So many of you offer great food for thought and I don't think I've ever analyzed in such depth why the other parents react how they do.

Just to clear something up...

I am ALWAYS uncomfortable when asked about DD5 and her schooling/abilities. I truly have never encountered anyone who doesn't have at least a small problem with it. I did not, however, start out being uncomfortable with it... the reactions of people taught me that this is a TABOO subject. However, I am not a shrinking violet when asked...my feelings are not how I outwardly act. To other Moms I'm rather blase about it and I tend to try to joke it off. I believe in this instance.. I made a joke about how all kids have their strengths and weaknesses... "as you can see.. she doesn't know how to throw a ball."

I think I have probably approached this in every way imaginable... seriously. I actually think ahead of time what to answer because it ALWAYS comes up... especially when DD5 says something "inappropriate for her age"

such as...

"Oh, your ice is melting because the molecules are heating up."

As for it being regional... that's an interesting idea. It definitely goes along with small, southern town mentality. Or, perhaps, it's just because I'm in an area with a population of little education. What a great research idea!

I like the thought that its like asking "how much money do you make?" GOOD POINT!

I think my post was mostly me just wanting to rant a minute... that there are so few people out there who do "get" it. Because, as I've said... it's lonely.

and not just for me... but for my DD

and Mamabear... good grief... what a witch!

That's inappropriate? (Coming from a mom whose 5 year old used the word googleplex correctly, understanding it's meaning, at 3.)