Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Maybe a Bully issue

I think we have a handle on this, but having other perspectives can be helpful. DS8 is having an issue with an older larger boy during 4 squares (A game with 4 squares and a rubber ball). Apparently (We just were told by DS8) the boy back in February hit him with a rubber ball very hard and chased him around hitting him with the ball, DS was hit a few times and from what he says it hurt a lot. DS is now afraid of the bigger boy. The bigger boy during 4 square game (No other times) intimidates and threatens our DS. These threats are verbal, as well as the fake through of a ball close to DS�s face. DS has responded with verbal attacks which have prompted verbal sparing that escalates to a physical threat from the boy. On a side note my DW learned about this when DS was in trouble for hitting a younger cousin with a toy, she was pushing for a reason for his poor behavior from him and he brought up the 4 square issues. DS was very emotional about it crying and letting us know he is very much afraid that the older boy will hurt him. (Some of the emotion may have been because he is now sick with a cold).

I understand that boys do threaten each other, and it is part of some boy play. I do not believe the other boy knows how afraid DS is of him. Note DS is 8 and because of grade skip plays with 9 and 10 year olds. I made the following suggestions at this point. (School is out in 4 weeks)

1. Don�t play 4 square
2. Say only positive things or nothing to the boy
3. Do not show fear

DS wants to play even though he is afraid, he would not back away from playing.
DS would not agree to not use verbal insults, (I think he is still upset, and thinks it�s the only way to fight back). After some time he agreed not to use verbal insults. My belief is that this only will escalate the issue, DS stated off the play ground they get along.
DS says he is afraid and can�t do anything about it.

As a Dad I see this as an opportunity to help DS face a fear and overcome it, to learn how to diffuse a situation and how to respond to a person like this. I believe the older boy is somewhat a bully and one of the best ways to deal with it is to ignore them and show no fear, it takes away their power (If they are hitting you its different). DS does not believe he can do this. I then told him how proud I was of him for still playing even though he was afraid, and that he does have courage, because it takes courage to keep playing when he is afraid. I asked him to try not verbally sparking, say positive things and to not show fear. If anyone has additional input or sugestions please let me know.

"the older boy is somewhat a bully and one of the best ways to deal with it is to ignore them and show no fear, it takes away their power "

Out of curiosity, has this ever worked for anyone ever? Ignoring a bully makes them stop? Really?

As an adult here are my two thoughts: 1. An adult (say you) should talk to the teacher to alert them to the situation. I put up with a lot as a kid that I wish I could have gone back in time and told myself I didn't have to, just because I had some ridiculous mental block against tattling. Adults control the culture and the environment, and that kind of behavior does not have to be allowed. 2. If the adults are unwilling to foster a more mature culture, then the best way to deal with these verbal bullies is to laugh with them instead of being laughed at. Some people do this kind of crap as a way to bond. That doesn't make it right, but acting as if it's funny and they're doing it not to be mean but as one of those bonding things does seem to decrease the viciousness and makes it less entertaining, even promotes friendship. Not that it's worth being friends with people who interact that way, but that's probably how their parents interact with them so they don't know any better.

Our daughter has been viciously bullied almost her whole school career and she is only 8 1/2. It has definitely helped her to see that we are on her side and can do something to make the bullying stop. We document what has happened and speak with the teacher(s). If that doesn't work, it has to go up to the principal. Bullies bouncing a ball can become bullies wielding a knife later. I know this sounds extreme, but our children need to know that adults are there to protect them. We always encourage our daughter to say something (and role play at home, so that it becomes automatic) or to hold up her hand (like a stop sign) and walk away, when it becomes threatening/unpleasant, but not direct bullying. Kids want to be able to "DO" something and to see that something is done about it, I think.

When I was small, and quite small for my grade-- along with being somewhat spindly and wearing huge glasses-- the biggest kid in my grade at the time started picking on me. Let's call him Lance, because that was his actual name, unless it wasn't. This would have been in second or third grade.

The bullying escalated to pushing during recess, to the extent I started getting afraid to go outside at lunchtime. My mom told me something to say to him, which I don't remember but was designed to combine humor with lack of fear, and it worked. He actually stuck up for me a few times after that.

In a later grade I was bullied much more extensively by two kids from the local projects, one of whom lived very close to my house. Books were taken, I was roughed up a bit, etc. I finally had enough on the bus one day and took it out on one of them, as ferociously as I was capable-- I'm glad in retrospect I wasn't bigger and stronger. I won. I got in plenty of trouble, but it was a defining moment for me. If there's a God, I thank him/her/it for that experience, since it strengthened my self-concept as a brave instead of a weak person.

With bullying, I would worry about two things: severe injury (this is actually pretty unlikely but parents will worry), and having the child's spirit broken or at least dulled a bit. I don't think fighting back is necessary or even a good response in every situation. I agree that if they're hitting you, it's different.

I wish I had advice for you. I think your son is doing great to keep playing. Reward him for his toughness in every way you can, and maybe the situation will sort itself out. Maybe some karate or similar lessons would be useful in building up his physical self-confidence.

This is probably one of the biggest reasons that we are staying in our private school instead of going into a larger public school setting, even though I think that the public school would do a decent job academically. At our school, there is NO WAY that this would happen. Lack of bullying and the expectations of the school regarding student interaction is so ingrained into the school day that it just wouldn't occur. If it DID occur, it would be seen and squelched immediately by the supervising adults. If it wasn't witnessed, it is so well understood that certain behaviors are not okay, and that it's okay to let an adult know what happened, that he would already have been speaking to a teacher. Not as a "tattle", but because it is unacceptable behavior.

Good luck to your son. I was never physically bullied, but I was picked on quite a bit as a kid; my two brothers, who have less social graces than I do (i.e., one has Aspergers (undiagnosed 40 years ago except for being a "quirky kid", and the other is just sort of physically ineffectual) were picked on a bit more. That environment is not present at all at the school we are at now.

Thank you all for the responses. We are looking at the play date idea, and involving his teacher. I do not wish him to see himself at fault, and I want him to know we are their to support him. I agree that the older boy may not have seen the hurt (The actual ball hit) and the fear DS now has. My big issue is more then just the bully, their will always be bullys. Its how DS learns to deal with people like this, and how we can best support him. Our older DS18 had a middle school bully, bigger stronger type. DS was afaraid of him and let his fear guide how he reacted. His uncle gave DS boxing lessons, at one time he had over a much stonger boy (He hit the heavy bag so hard it made me nervouse) The boy was asked not to go all out, but he was also a little afraid wwhen he spared with DS then 13. The boy hit our son hard and bloodied his nose. This may sound bad, but it turned out good. They kept sparing and DS learned not to be afraid. Yes a punch to the nose can hurt, but if he could take a punch from this much stronger boy he coukld then stand up to the bully. The bully issue went away with our sons new found confidance. He never actually confronted the bully, he just changed how he dealt with one. I was bullied alot and now when I look back I see the target I helped create, I do not say bullying is ok, or that its the victems fault. But, you can change how you react and I belive that is something that will carry you though later on. Its not good to be a victim with a victims mentallty. My 2 cents worth anyway. I also think Karate, Boxing etc.. may be good.

Like you say with 4 weeks left and this happened back in February you already feel like you have a good handle on the situation. �I hear you saying your son�wants to play with the other boy. � If that's the case what can you do? �You can forbid it. �You can have a long philosophical discussion about respect for yourself, respect for others, mostly respect for yourself. �Make sure he's self aware of how we ultimately decide how we are treated. �You've already outlined several options he has. � He can simply say, "I don't like that" when another kid begins �taunting even if he already intends to stay and exchange insults. �( or else if not, obviously tell him he's free to play foursquare with three other children and he can make it as clear as he'd like he doesn't want to play with that one kid ever..). ��
Firmly assure him that he has choices but upsetting younger relatives is definitely not one of them.

The role playing is someting we may also try, I think that could be helpful. Thank you all.