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    MsFriz Offline OP
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    Neither my husband nor I have much interest in sports, but we would like our very bookish DS6 to be involved in some kind of physical activity. In the past, he's played soccer and taken swimming lessons, and for the last year he's been taking tae kwon do. However, in all three cases, he has eventually come to dread the activity and has asked to drop out.

    I can think of a number of explanations for this pattern. DS is not a natural athlete. He over-thinks things, which inhibits him and interferes with his coordination. He's not a risk taker. He's a perfectionist who is very quick to give up on things that he doesn't do well. He's very self-critical and often judges himself even more harshly than teammates or coaches. And he's especially self-conscious around adults, so he seems to have bouts of performance anxiety when a coach or instructor puts him on the spot.

    My question is, how do we help him work through this? We want him to have the experience of successfully confronting a real challenge. We also want him to learn to be comfortable in his own skin. But how do you teach persistence and self-forgiveness? And are there some sports or activities that might be better for him than what we've tried?

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    What about rock climbing? That seems like a sport where being careful and thinking things through can be a great asset. DS5 loves going to a local indoor climbing gym. Every transition to a new hand- or toe-hold is a small success. The only problem might be self-consciousness, but there are plenty of other kids at our local gym, and plenty of learners.


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    Wow. Change the pronoun to a "she" and you could be talking about either of my DDs. Soccer, baseball, volleyball, basketball, swimming, ballet, hip-hop . . . we've tried them all with various measures of success but no interest that might translate into a lifelong passion (or even affection).

    Nor are DH and I athletic or, to be honest, terribly coordinated. But we do try to be somewhat active and healthy and would like to pass that along.

    I think down the road we might have some success with cross-country, if just because it's not such a public sport (they both hate being in the spotlight).

    Sorry, no other suggestions than the running--just wanted you to know you're not alone!

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    I would say ballet, but lots of boys will not do this, or not do it for very long; my ds seems to be outgrowing it, he is finally coordinated enough that baseball is not completely out of his reach, so that is a big deal for him this last month or two.
    (age almost 11). Also, I do not think ballet promotes self-forgiveness as you put it.

    Running could be better for a younger kid; team sports can be pretty hard on a kid who is not naturally coordinated. We always fall back on hiking as a family sport; tried that much? there is almost always something to see or talk about that keeps your mind off the uphill, and the fun of downhill is its own reward. smile

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    What about geocaching? It might be a good way to combine thinking with physical activity.

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    I read that fencing is a great sport for the more cranial inclined. Horseback riding is non-competitive. Golf would allow him to work on his sport alone and join a crowd when he's ready. Is yo-yo considered a sport? A trampoline is a wonderful idea.


    Youth lives by personality, age lives by calculation. -- Aristotle on a calendar
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    La Texican, I am wondering about your meds again.

    Horseback riding is very competitive, whether you are doing Hunter Jump or 4H Western. I have lifelong friend who has done both since age 10.

    And it is expensive. And Golf is not cheap, having a brother who started golf at a young age and never stopped.

    The cheapest sport is track & field.

    Ren

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    Ms Fritz,

    I would say golf is more of a cerebral sport and can develop for the less coordinated.

    It that works in the environment you are in. Golf is not an easy sport to partake in but it might work for you DS.

    My DH is not coordinated, and I tried tennis with him and he tried golf. Running did work.

    Ren

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    Originally Posted by MsFriz
    But how do you teach persistence and self-forgiveness?

    I know it's obvious but be sure you are modeling that behavior first. As in "I can't even do half the poses in my yoga class; I keep falling over. But boy do I love it"

    it is too bad that the swimming didnt work out. That would have been my first suggestion. It's "competitive", but you are really only trying to beat your best time.

    eta: You might some of these things again at a later date. 6 is really young to be crossing them off the list for good.

    Last edited by herenow; 05/11/11 02:30 PM.
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    My D16 fences. BUT, she was much like the OP's son... She tried several sports over the years, but that self-conscious, self-critical component was a real handicap. She did not start fencing until this last year. I wish we had started a year or two sooner, but really think if we had started any earlier than that, her self-defeating attitude would have killed it anyway.

    We just kept a consistent message that she has to do something athletic, and stick with it for a full season once she signs up. I do think that sports that can be played more for fun worked best. For several years she took tennis lessons with a teacher who taught all levels of kids and did a ton of fun drills with them for most of every lesson. It wasn't a winning/losing/match thing at all. That was a good fit, until she got old enough to play on a team. Then she didn't like it.

    She does love fencing now. It is cerebral, as mentioned above, and many of the kids who do it at her club are pretty geeky (like she is) smile

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    We also force short-term commitments, and don't make a big deal about the inevitable "I'm awful" and "I hate this" complaints along the way. We just tend to be matter-of-fact about the NEED for physical activity.

    Golf, swimming and martial arts have been our winners here, but DD is just inherently a rather sedentary child.


    With perfectionistic kids, the bigger danger is in unhealthy perfectionsim that gets rolled into a competitive athletic environment. For that reason, I'm so glad that we don't have DD in dance or gymnastics, both of which are so prone to force girls that direction.

    With boys, wrestling and size/strength oriented sports seem to produce similar effects, depending upon the coach and team environment.

    Cycling is another possiblity, if your child enjoys it. Another idea that is unusual and FORCES self-forgiveness and patience-- dog agility. Yes, it's much more "physical" for the person than most people think. It's also FUN.


    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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    Believe it or not, unicycle has been a great activity for our similar kid. At some point though regardless of the activity, I think you just have to see it through until they have some sense of mastery. And then you can see if they really are going to enjoy it. That took about 9 months of unicycle class for him. Anyway - unicycle is a fun skill because it's fairly exotic but approachable by anyone. Our local unicycle club will teach toddlers to grandparents.

    We also enjoy orienteering as a family which a great activity for GT kids.

    I wanted to say, we've found a gem of a dance studio for my 6 year old. It's very much cooperative and not competitive. The older teens are quite amazing though. Some go to other studios for the competitive piece. This studio concentrates on producing shows so it's much more teamwork based. I feel like each kid is honored there as an individual. So sometimes just finding the right environment for a particular activity can make all the difference.

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    Neither of my boys (7 and 11) are very well-coordinated or talented at sports. Here are some we have found worked the best:

    karate
    fencing
    skiing(cross-country or downhill)
    snow-boarding
    recreational cycling
    kinball. This is a great team sport that allows kids who aren't "good" at sports to partipate and be part of a team. It's fairly new, developed in Canada, and not played in many US locations yet. But here is one: http://usakinball.150m.com/psu.htm

    Last edited by Verona; 05/11/11 02:21 PM.
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    Another aspect of team sports that my husband and I have decided to agree-to-disagree about:

    He maintains that only sports can give the kind of team-building experience that's so useful later in life.

    I tend to think a very similar sort of team spirit develops when people play together musically. (Granted, we still want them to stay active; I just don't think it needs to be in team sports, which tend to be more competitive and draw out their perfectionist tendencies.)

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    Wow, I don't agree with that at all. I know I got a great "team" experience in high school working on the school newspaper staff and on the yearbook. I think D2 gets a very good team experience on her Quiz Bowl team, too. It doesn't have to be "physical" to be a team and provide a team-building experience!

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    MsFriz Offline OP
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    Thank you for all these great ideas! There are a couple of things here I'd never even heard of. We'll definitely try fencing at some point. DS is also going to a horse camp this summer, so I'll look into what continuing with that would involve.

    In the meantime, we're going to stick it out with tae kwon do a bit longer. I've been telling DS6 that yes, he is being judged by his instructor, but not for what he thinks--what the instructor wants to see more than anything is a little effort and confidence. I so want DS6 to realize that beating himself up for every little mistake is self-defeating!

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    Quote
    beating himself up for every little mistake is self-defeating

    Literally!

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    My oldest is much like this. He is a perfectionist. For the most part it has worked out for him in sports as well. I played College football as well as many other sports in High School, they kept me out of "trouble." He does not like to fail and has some issues when he does not get things right the first time. With some guidance and being his biggest cheerleader, he has gotten to the point where he can work past those mistakes to improve his game. He plays QB for his youth football team. HE is a forward on his soccer team. The 3 years we played inline hockey before we moved he was a wonderful defenseman because that is what he reasoned he could do to be successful to help the team the most. And there in lies the biggest help. It is a phrase my college coaches used and i still use it. Everyone has a purpose on a team, coach need to put you in the best stop to do the most good and you need to be the best you, you can be. On the Teams of his I have coached, I tell him I put people in positions to be successful and that is my responsiblity. With his intellect he understood that just fine.

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    jmiller - you and I have a similar approach. As a perfectionist who quit everything, whether it was due to a big challenge or lack of challenge, I really try to make sure my children, especially DS7, not only faces challenges, but also cope with the boring aspects, etc... so while I do not force them to continue with a sport or activity, they do have to finish until the end of the season/class, and I do strongly encourage it the next season, pointing out how much they improved and how they can continue to be an asset, etc...

    DS7, who was supposedly playing his last season of baseball this spring, has now decided he'd like to play another season or two.

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    My two cents: karate and swimming.
    Also, we told our son upfront he would need to stick out "the season" (we only signed him up for things that lasted about 3-4 months). After each practice or game I would ask, "What was challenging about today? " . I would end by asking, "What did you enjoy most?" Even if he said he "hated " the sport he could always find some aspect he enjoyed. When he was younger I may have had to help him find what it was he liked (could be the coach, something funny that happened , or something very simple). I believe we showed our son that we don't always like things,but that we stick to our "commitments" and we can walk away with something positive from our experiences.

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    Our DS7 is like this. We have cycled him through a bunch of sports, trying to find something he'd like. He has told us he "doesn't like any of the ball sports." We recently signed him up for fencing (his choice), and he loved it for about a month, then there was a week off, and when he went back, he seemed to not know exactly what to do sometimes, and so now he claims to hate it. I'm trying to set him up with some more one-on-one training, because he was having a blast until the one bad week. But he's not a natural athlete, so sports have been hard. Also painful to watch him sometimes, as both my DH and I are fairly athletic. frown Would love it if he'd get into swimming, but he's been a polliwog for the last 4 years because he's so afraid. We did win a free month of tae kwon do, which we'll try as soon as we can fit it in. I'm thinking he'll probably like track, but he's still too young around here.

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    St Pauli Girl, wondering from your name if you are at TCFC... if so, we asked Kate to give our kid an extra session because she was pretty confused about a month in on foil and all the right of way rules. She did it (for free), and it really helped. The rules ARE confusing, but they are super helpful if you ask for some extra time!

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    My DS 8 has been begging for fencing lessons. The clubs around us only take kids 8+ so he'll get to start this summer! I was happy to read that many kids here enjoyed it because he is very anti-ball sport.

    Played little league, took a ball in the hand and wanted to quit on the spot... mean mom made him finish the season since he was the one that asked to play. It wasn't pretty! Tried basketball camp, hated it. Tried flag football at school, hated it. Tried track and field but only wanted to do field, coach didn't believe in that, hated it.

    So far, we've had success with swimming and gymnastics! He's not great at either but enjoys them now!

    As for the "team sport" argument, I've had that with my father for years and years. Only after seeing DS get teased unmercifully in the little league dugout did he realize that team experience only works if the team isn't against you :-(

    He helped coach Odyssey of the Mind this year and I haven't heard the "team sport should be required" argument since.

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    MY boy had a game today. I love seen his growth in a short period of time in these areas as well as well everything else. He flat turned it on tonight. Played a great game. We came up short but I was so proud, He was seeing the field again like I know he can. He was making plays that certain older teammates where not prepared for because his mind was several steps ahead. His lone goal was a beauty and he nearly had another on a volley, something he typically did not try. in just a few days he worked out issues with his footing and acceleration and put it into practice. The only downside tonight is he hates losing and he hates he did not finish more of those shots. I told that will come with time. We got pizza tonight. I was so proud of my boy.

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    I have spoken to several mothers of older/high school children who have essentially said:

    My child ended up loving the sport he was trying at the time his body "synchronized".

    For one young man it was hockey, another track. It also was important that it was a sport that kids typically learn/try later on, so that the child wasn't so far behind the learning curve.


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    I second swimming.
    THe problem with so many youth sports is that they quickly get very competitive. Ultimately, in many sports, only the best kids get to play. If your child is good, but not great, they will quickly realize that they aren't playing in the soccer/baseball/basketball, whatever game. That will likely make perfectionist tendencies worse.
    With swimming, you are competing against yourself. Even if you are terrible, you get to swim.

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    Originally Posted by intparent
    St Pauli Girl, wondering from your name if you are at TCFC... if so, we asked Kate to give our kid an extra session because she was pretty confused about a month in on foil and all the right of way rules. She did it (for free), and it really helped. The rules ARE confusing, but they are super helpful if you ask for some extra time!

    Why, yes, we do go to TCFC. smile Thanks - we took you up on your advice without even knowing it... Just before I read this, I got an email from Kate telling me that yes she could do an extra session with my DS. She also thought that he was doing just fine for just starting out, especially since he's on the younger end. So hopefully that will help out. I forget sometimes that he's the youngest, and of course that makes a difference.

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    MsFriz Offline OP
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    I wish swimming were the answer, but it was the swim instructor who observed on her own that DS was "over-thinking things." He sinks like a stone because he can't relax, and he won't put his face in the water for fear of getting water in his nose and water in his goggles. The swim instructor actually gave him math problems in the pool as a way to distract him.

    And I even paid the big bucks for private lessons.

    I love the water but have always had many of the same hang ups as DS, so I don't swim well and feel pretty strongly about getting him through this (ditto for other sports), but that's where people start to tell me that I need to make sure I'm thinking of him and not myself.

    I suppose we could take lessons together, but that won't work for everything.

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    ms. friz, how old is your ds?
    ours only last year (age 10) really began swimming, so age might be a factor. I think it is a safety concern to never learn, so you might consider continuing to try but saving it for 10+. One thing that worked for us was daily (daily) swim lessons. I think I read that here, actually: just every single day in the pool, m-f.

    I signed him up for back to back sports camps at our local gym because at the end of each day it was 45 minute swim lesson. This really got him over the hump.

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    I second the suggestion to put off swimming for a later age. DD took baby swim lessons for a year, getting more and more freaked out about the water as they expected more of her, and was finally asked to leave. Last summer, she decided that she was going to learn to swim, and learn she did.

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    My son is on the swim team here and it is a perfect fit for him. He doesn't like anything with balls, tried gymnastics and finally fell in love with swim team at age 10. I think you just have to keep exploring until you find the sport that is the right fit.

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