And, I suspect that if we were only talking about subversion and manipulation we'd still be in the boat that we're in. The other element, though, seems to be emotional intensity. So when she gets found-out, she LOSES HER MIND (for about ten minutes).
Combine this with her total resistance to playing with her same age peers, and a tendency to wander off and start her own activities (generally reading or drawing) when she gets bored, and people start to jump to conclusions.
YES. From our DESCRIPTIONS of our 2-5yo DD, (passive resistance, limited tolerance of agemates' activities, tendency toward solitary play, and talkativeness with adults).. whoah... can you say ASD? But seriously NOT the case.
Moomin, she doesn't sound ALL that different from my own DD at those ages.
It's just that my DD was
always compassionate/empathetic. I know what child development says there, but... she has been compassionate/empathetic since at least 1yo. She only really assertively manipulated/s those she loves. (But OY, how she has done THAT...)
That psychologist who noticed your dd noticing her? She is probably a wealth of info.
Yes indeedy.
She reminds me of Constance in the Mysterious Benedict Society. I'm not living with your dd, but I so see what could have happened to my dd as a preschooler if I didn't grow up with a sib with the behavior and recognize it in dd early on. She also had adults in tears by engaging in subterfuge that was just plain diabolical. And what adult would admit to being outwitted by a cute little girl? I was a part time SAHM so it was easy for me to take dd out of the game, and closely watch her for manipulation tendencies--though I was still no match for her.
YES.
I used to call my DH at work and sob to him on the phone. Seriously.
I am
not that person. I'm sure that some of the people who have met me later have been extremely shocked that I'm NOTHING like the weak-willed, dependent, indecisive shrinking violet that they had assumed. (LOL) But my 2-3yo, angelic, sweet DD had the power to turn me into a raving LUNATIC or a quivering puddle of goo.
I agree with letting go of what kids this age "are" and "are not" capable of. With a PG kid, fuhgeddaboudit-- they write their own developmental rules. I've often found that this SOCIAL precosity is one of the most startling things about DD. She reads people
so well-- and pretty much endlessly manipulates them. Now, she's NEVER doing it to create drama or chaos; she tends to do just the opposite... but still. It's really quite a thing to see in action, but it can raise the hair on the back of your neck if you suddenly zoom out in perspective and realize that you're watching a 3yo child with the manipulation skills of a 25yo motivational speaker.
Book recommendation time:
The Manipulative Child: How to Reg...lient, Resourceful, and Independent KidsThe title is horrible, it goes without saying. But the BOOK... that's about parenting strategies that take "manipulation" out of the picture entirely, and help parents to recognize it for what it is and simply step away. While most parenting books are advocating karate moves to "outmaneuver" a manipulative child, this one offer Tai Chi/Aikkido-- just step sideways instead, or gently grasp the child's hand, and let him/her use that momentum to defuse the situation themselves.
This has been one of my very favorite parenting books. (Seriously.) My DD
still manipulates my DH and I into arguments as a means of deflecting/avoiding unpleasant conversations involving her. I'm wise to it. DH not-so-much. He flatly didn't BELIEVE me about her for years. Then he caught her 'smirk' a few times when she'd do something. Ohhhhh-- that look in her eye. "Gotcha..."
