Hi all,

I post sometimes about my intense/sensitive DD3.5. We had a weird experience today that I thought I'd post about just to see if anyone had experienced something similar? We were at a birthday party for a girl in her class at a children's art center and my DD was the first girl there. DD had been to the art center one time before. DD and the birthday girl were delighted to see each other and were playing, but when the woman from the art center who was helping out (who DD didn't know) came over and tied an apron on DD and rolled up DD's sleeves, DD started crying and begging to be picked up and told me she was afraid of the woman (a friendly grandmother type). She got over it and had a great time at the party with the other kids in her class, but avoided this woman like the plague the whole time. She's done this before with adults throughout her life. Is it just stranger anxiety? She did have extremely early (before 5 months, pointed out by her pediatrician) and prolonged/intense stranger anxiety as a baby/toddler and was slow adjusting to her two preschools. The weird thing is she's very social (not shy) and is the first kid to go up to other (even older) kids at the park and invite them to play and she's popular with the other kids at preschool (and cuddly with the teachers) despite being the youngest. Her main interest at preschool is playing with the other kids. And sometimes she starts talking to adult strangers and has fun. But, like I said, she was slow to adjust to new preschools both times before she wound up loving them. I just can't figure it out, it's such a weird mix. I wish I knew what set her off. If she was just a shy kid, I feel like I could understand it better, but she's not. And it's so embarrassing because she's so loud! Will she outgrow this? Of course, she was also the only kid at the party who smeared paint all over her body and face, so I should probably be used to her differences by now.

The first time I heard about selective mutism I had rather a big "ah-ha" moment re my 2nd child and we did actually take her off to a psychologist for an opinion - which was that in my DD's case it's "Won't not Can't talk". She's rude not disablingly anxious (this new was delivered with gentleness and a smile). I certainly agree that she's not diangosably selectively mute. But she certainly has extreme difficulty with some (even most?) adults, but not all and not at all with children and is VERY loud when she wants to be.

All of my children, particularly my 2nd and 3rd, have been been very aware and very overt about which adults they do and don't like right from infancy. I have a vivid memory of standing in a hallway at my best friend's house holding my youngest when she must have been about 6 months old. A stream of guests were arriving and coming down the hall and all of them tried to interact with her. She snubbed most of them, overtly cringed away from someone I knew quite well and have always considered a delightful woman and then almost leaped out of my arms to lunge for this woman's elder daughter as she came past not long after...

I can't always tell why my kids don't like some people, but I do know that they consistently don't like people who talk to them with the super nice cutesy "I'm talking to a little kid" manner and voice. Older women often over dramatise, change their voice, behave in a way that they think is friendly and enticing to small children and my children take as either condescending or scary. I have also had friends comment to me that with their very timid/shy children, who hide from almost all other adults, will interact with me and they suspect its because I just talk to them quietly and calmly like one would address an adult or older child. The content of what I say is obviously different for a baby or a toddler than an adult but I don't tend to change my way of speaking or interacting. No idea if that is part of your issue but it's certainly one thing I note with my own kids.

Hmm. My DD would react the same way to strangers at that age, but she was also very shy, so I suppose it's not quite the same.

They're interesting kids, that's for sure... sometimes hard to figure out.

A few questions:

1. Did the staff member ask your daughter's permission or describe putting on the apron first?
2. Did she interrupt your daughter's play abruptly during a period of focus?
3. Did the staff member introduce herself?
4. How is your daughter at making sudden transitions between activities, such as stopping play to bathe or eat?
5. Does your daughter exhibit any sensitivity to rough touch, fabrics, etc?

As well as the excellent questions above, some women's perfume or shampoo/lotion scents can be overwhelming for kids with sensitive noses (given she was close enough to put an apron on your dd this is a definite possibility).

When my sister was this age she was terrified of nail polish. For months nobody could figure out why she'd get so upset when some of our good friends (that she genuinely liked) hugged her. After many months I was able to get the reason out of her during a sisterly heart-to-heart. Turned out she was also disturbed by makeup. And, as MumOfThree mentioned, sometimes it was a triple whammy of perfume, makeup, and nail polish that would set her off. (Our mom wasn't big on any of these things herself so I think the unfamiliarity of it was part of the problem.)

Oh yeah. I am not much for nail polish but every time I do my toenails my children will ask why my toes are bleeding. There can be a week or more of concern every time they see my toes if they are under 2-3yrs old.

It sounds like the girl in the OP was having a perfectly natural reaction to someone she had never met touching her in an unwelcome manner. Naturally, the lady meant well, but it's a common behavior for older people to impose themselves on small children without so much as a by-your-leave. If the situation were reversed, they'd object. Loudly.

We observed our very sociable DD as a baby meeting new people, where she'd always hang back and watch, before deciding whether she wanted physical contact with them. Everybody wants to hold a baby, though. We always told people, "Don't go to her, let her come to you," and that served pretty well.

I'm looking at a Santa picture taken when she was three as I type this, in which she's welling up with tears. She had a wonderful conversation with him leading up to that. Then, when it was time for the picture, he gently repositioned her to face towards the camera, and as this was a less secure position, he held her in place with one hand around her back and his other hand over her stomach.

Once the picture was over, DW asked what happened, and DD responded, "Santa touched my belly. That wasn't right."

Priceless.

I agree. I'll add that I think this sense of personal boundaries is quite mature and appropriate. I remember hating being infantilized as a child.

there was a guy on Oprah once, Gavin something or other, who had a book called Protecting the Gift, about how we undermine our protective instincts and we especially do it to girls, against strangers. We all have that interior voice or something telling us someone is not right or off, or the situation is a problem and we are taught to override it to be "nice" and not be rude. He thinks its why or how people get into bad situations, not responding when the hairs stand up or you get a weird vibe.

I remembered so vividly my nephew being told go to grandma who he hadn't seen in months, and he was probably a year old, he was terrified and she didn't care and squashed him in a bear hug. Now, today, loves his grandma sure, and has no issues, but mom told him to hug this person, even though he didn't want to. I didn't like that message and once I had DS I never asked him to give a hug or to touch someone without asking him. I will ask him to say goodbye but if he didn't that was fine too.

Fascinating to watch him elevators - adults will often hear our conversations and react - they will often butt in and ask questions - sometimes he answers and sometimes he ignores them, which is very awkward in an enclosed space. I just shrug when the adult looks at me. One time at 5, DS actually said I don't talk to strangers. Now clearly sometimes he does, so I asked him after a non participatory event and he said he was uncomfortable. I told him that was great, if he is uncomfortable he does not have to answer questions about himself to strangers or semi strangers. I want him to respond warily when he has a bad vibe. And I want him to know his feelings are to be respected, by himself and by me.

DeHe

Agreed.

I think it is good for kids to have a sense of stranger danger. I am a believer in giving children their space, and they shouldn't be forced to give affection when they don't want to. I also let my son ignore strangers when they talk to him. It's hard to enforce "don't talk to strangers", but them make them to be polite to certain ones. I have even told people off who keep on talking to my son after I explain that he doesn't talk to strangers.

Anyway, your daughter sounds like she was having a normal, mature reaction to someone making her feel uncomfortable.

A good resource to investigate is "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz. It's a fast, parent-friendly read describing sensory issues, which are common in gifted children. My oldest has sensory issues - she is a mix of sensory seeking and sensory avoidant. What you describe - a strong dislike of someone who somehow invades one's sensory "space," being loud, smearing paint all over oneself - is common with children who struggle with sensory issues.