Hmmmm. I think maybe I made a mistake. My DD9 asked me last night if she might be too old to ask Santa for something this year. She wants Uggs.
I asked her if she thought she was too old.
She said no, but some of the kids at school were saying that Santa isn't real and that it was stupid to believe in Santa. She said she thinks you only get something is believe Santa is real.

She spent much of her young childhood testing. Telling Santa things that she didn't tell us to see if she got them. We of course figured it out. One year she asked for a Nintendo DS. She was 6. When she got it, she said "Now I know Santa is real because Mommy and Daddy would NEVER buy me THIS!" She has done other tests along the way...every year I was able to convince her of his existance.

She has written letters (she writes long tooth fairy letters too!) and when she was 3, we needed to put the cookies and milk out on the porch because she was sobbing late at night at the thought of Him coming into our house while she was sleeping...Guess where she had to go to get her one special Santa gift.

Last night, she told us, including her 6 year old sis (who really doesn't seem to be buying into any of this and never has...she asked for things like...a bell..or nothing) that Santa was really just a very rich guy with nothing better to do with his money. He hires all those fake Santas and sends them to the malls to figure out what children want. She also makes sure to ask for only one thing so she doesn't "overwhelm him" or seem greedy. lol...

She also still likes to play dolls with her younger sis (none of her friends like dolls)...not baby or anything, American Girl dolls. She is really into their outfits and read all 60 of the original books when she was 6.

Her friends seem to be into acting like high schoolers. They worry about what is babyish and cool.

She has always been so advanced and mature for her age. She is having problems finding other children at school who are willing to "play" instead of gossip, walk around, and act old.

hmmm...any thoughts? Is this anti-gifted? Shouldn't she have grown out of this by now?

Don't get me wrong...this is a very small part of who she is, but it seems to be bothering her lately.

That is such a tough age! My friend has a daughter who is 9 also. She is WAY into AG dolls. I think there are other girls out there it is just tough to find them. A lot of them might try and hide it. I don't think it is going against the gifted 'type' at all. I think a lot of gifted kids are just above all the gossiping and pettiness and able to go with what they really like. That doesn't mean it is always easy.

Heh. I like the 'testing' she did with telling Santa and not telling mom and dad. Sort of like a scientific hypothesis, then testing it out. THAT sounds like a gifted kid to me. Now that reality is starting to intrude as she gets old, she has come up with another theory.

Regarding growing out of it, she might think that if she admits she doesn't believe, then Santa will stop coming... so she is probably looking at more and more outlandish explanations. If you think it is stressing her too much, you should probably just have "the talk" with her about Santa. When it was time, we told our oldest D that Santa is everyone who loves her. And asked her to please not tell the younger sibs if they haven't figured it out yet (some older kids like to be in on the secret with their parents anyway).

I don't think this is anti-gifted (as you stated) in any way.

I don't think your DD9's behavior is anti-gigted in any way. At least among my small sample of three kids, intelligence doesn't seem to correlate with faith. With many kids, their self-presentations at school may not correlate with their behaviors at home. Many of those cool kids may still have dolls at home.

She has been mentioning that some of her friends act "fake" or try to be cool. Maybe they do have dolls at home. It's so sad that they think that they can't enjoy them with others because they aren't cool things to play with. Also, we don't have a Wii, so dolls is the next best thing..

I just think it is interesting that much of my dd's life has been trying to fit in while others were playing what seemed to her to be "baby games" and now, she is the one being called a baby.

We've had a rough weekend so far. Crying because the afterschool knitting class she was so excited to take conflicts with the special (pre-professional) Ballet class she was invited to take. Friends/neighbors are telling her there is no Santa, and when she points out something interesting to her they say..."So?"...This is bothering her so much.

I guess she pointed out an old VW orange bus when she was on the school bus and her freinds thought that it was dumb to like that. She also thought a squirrel was cute and was shot down.

Friends of ours are looking for a home for their dog, which my dd has always felt bonded to and I had to tell her no, we can't have pepper the poodle.

She has begun training to run the 5K in the Hartford Marathon. She hates running.I don't know why she is doing this. None of us run.

She is going to take afterscool Hip Hop, instead of knitting. I encouraged her to because she is nervous about trying something she doesn't already know how to do. But she's gunna do it.

So stressful!

Waiting for the school call me next week to set up an appt to let me know if they are willing to alter the curriculum based on her needs. We will see if the samples of work I sent in are "good enough" to warrent such a "drastic" thing.

All this is making me crazy and then, there is a little 9-year-old and all her emotions stuck in the middle!

Thanx for letting me vent.

My DD just turned 9. In many ways, I find her to be quite young for her age. She loves her American Girl dolls and her Barbies. Her friends say that both are babyish, yet when they come to our house they play with both for hours. DD is learning how to knit from her grandmother and is super excited about it, but passed the comment that she doesn't want anyone to know that she is doing it. Her favourite game is hide-and-go-seek. She plays it with her little brother all the time because then it is okay because she can say that he wanted to play it.

She is spending more time stressing about what others think and, for the first time, hiding her thoughts and activities. She says that her friends look at her weirdly when she talks sometimes, so she tries to think about her topic before opening her mouth. I feel so sad to hear this. She is so open and full of life, I don't want her to worry so much about what others think of her.

We have been lucky with the Santa conversations (God bless 'The Polar Express'!), but I can sympathize with your worries about your DD. It is one thousand little things and not one big thing, but no one quite understands when you try to explain it.

I'm a little confused about these posts... are your concerns about her continued belief in Santa at age 9 in the face of evidence to the contrary? Then talk to her and tell her...

Is it about conflicts in extra-curricular activities? Not sure if she is your oldest, but this will be a constant issue in the upcoming year (not to be critical of dance in any way, but my experience is that it is a VERY large time commitment at an earlier age than many other activities, and she better get used to turning down other activities if she is going to stick with it).

If she is having a hard time with "mean girls"... that is quite hard to deal with. Helping her find some other gifted friends to spend time with (even if they don't go to her school or live in her neighborhood) can help. For a long time kids sort of just take the kids nearby (in neighborhoods, school, etc.) as their playmates. But that is always hard for gifted kids, especially as they get older. One thing you really should watch for is bullying, and pull in the school immediately if you think she is being bullied on the bus or in class (not saying she is, but sounds like she is starting to have a rough time with some of the other kids).

Finally... I always see it as part of my job to be emotionally steady for my kids when they are churning like it sounds like she is. They need their parents to be encouraging and positive -- don't be critical of choices like her running, but encourage her and help her out if you can (bike with her, or have treats for her after she runs). Play dolls with her sometimes, and just be a rock solid supporter she can come home to every day, no matter how her day went. You can't always control her school environment, but you can help her at home.

Kathleen'smum! THANK-YOU! You said it so perfectly. Why can't our kids play? That is so sad that she has to think about what others with think of her. I guess learning to think before you open your mouth isn't such a bad thing to learn, but, I find that when my dd does that, she doesn't talk at all. SAD SAD!

The Polar Express is my girls' favorite! I remember once, the little one 4,or 5 decided to ring her Santa's Bell - the one she got from the bookstore for knowing answers about the book...she was ringing it in my ear and I was pretending not to hear it (cause that is more real) and both girls couldn't understand why I didn't believe. The little one said "How can you not believe! He was right there!" And I got to hear the bell in my ear the whole trip home!

That was the year both girls asked for a bell from Santa's sleigh and my poor mom had to make them look real.

Wish our girls could play...
Hide and seek is still loved...and making tents is still fun. The girls give eachother makeovers and put on plays quite often too.

I really do want to take her away, to a place where she can still be a kid!

Weird they both like to knit! Your DD is lucky to have a grandma to teach her.

And then people say things like - why won't you just let her be a kid..when they hear I am trying to get her a grade skip in Math. The world just doesn't get it. I guess that's okay.

Intparent...Yes. I am concerned that she still believes in Santa, when all her friends don't. I'm a bit surprised that she has taken this far, but I am ashamed that I played along and proved he existed year after year. She trusted us.

I am confused - I don't want to take it away from her. She is a very smart girl. I have such a hard time believing that she doesn't "know"....maybe she just still wants to play the game. I don't want to take that away from her, but the game is over if I tell her.

On the other hand, she is bothered that the kids at school are "choosing not to believe" and picking on her for "knowing the truth."

I'm not sure the girls she is with are mean. They ARE neighborhood girls. We moved her last year. Well, I think they are mean, but it seems that ALL the kids in the neighborhood seem to be mean in a way. So I figure it just must be me and my high standards. I know that SHE would never treat anyone like they do, but I figure, if this is how kids act, then maybe she needs to toughen up, which she DOES seem to be doing.

I agree about being emotionally steady. I AM supporting her running. I WILL bring her to the marathon and pay the fee and be happy for her. I guess I'm just venting and the fact that she has suddenly wanted to run long distances makes me wonder if something funny is going on with her.

She has been pre-professional dancing since 6. And before that at Dolly Dinkles. It is her major passion in life. She loves Ballet and my Dh drives her an hour, 3 to 4 times a week so she can go to a school with no anorexia and a wonderful staff - where the serious dancers almost all go where they want when the graduate...many with scholarships and some to companies. She has missed many a birthday party because of this. I let her know that she can quit and even suggest a break from time to time and she refuses. She just wants to add more and more classes...but I refuse. So the after school hip hop class for 5 weeks is a godsend...even if it's NOT Ballet!

I was just venting and feeling sorry for her for having all these issues come up at the same time. I don't let her know that I feel sorry for her, but I try to do little things...

Trying to see what other parents do who go through emotional times with their children - especially those children who really seemed to be coasting through life until they hit...9 She IS my first...just another reason to feel a little sorry for her.

Cause I have no idea what I'm doing! Thank you for all you advice and kind words.

I specifically remember trying to figure out how somebody could travel at a speed that would basically have to be faster than the speed of light to accomplish the Santa task. However, my parents were telling me that Santa was real, so I believed them. I'm thinking this was about 1st grade for me.

I recommend making sure that she knows it's not real. She could be playing with you.

Of course, if she's not playing with you she could react the way I did, which was with anger. I immediately informed my parents that I was going to tell my younger sisters. I was eventually talked out of it through being bribed with cookies, but it was overall, not a pleasant experience because of the trust issue. I was not happy with my parents.

JOnLaw...this is why I started this thread with "I think I made a mistake." I'm too scared to face her now!.

I never believed...not for a moment. So I don't know what it is like. Santa was just a non-issue in our life growing up...and my husband's as well. I guess I might just tell them both..the little one doens't seem to believe though, so I might spare her the eventual...truth...thanx...I don't know.

I would really encourage you to get Rosalind Wiseman's book Queen Bees and Wannabes. While your dd is only 9, mean girl behaviour can emerge as early as pre-school, and imo the book can be really helpful in identifying it and giving a girl tools to deal with it. I also think it is appropriate to talk proactively about the marketing directed at young girls and why her friends are buying into what is "cool" and what your family values are in this realm. If you just google tween marketing you will come up with some stuff that applies. Sorry your dd is dealing with it. My dd10 still plays with her AG dolls even though most of her friends do not and has not yet asked about Santa, but I think this is the year it is time to tell her. Good luck.

I would just stick with telling the older one and deal with the fallout. Although you could wait until closer to Christmas. You can always solve the problem of the little one later.

She's going to find out eventually, if she doesn't really know now, so it's going to be a moot point.

Here is a link re: tween marketing and what parents should be aware of with links to lots of other articles.
http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/parents/marketing/issues_teens_marketing.cfm

I am a serious knitter so that jumped out at me. She can probably learn better online. Try knittinghelp.com there are tons of videos and it is better imo than a class for gifties since we learn so fast.

Santa came to our house until I went to college - you might get presents from grandparents or aunts / uncles, but parents didn't give Christmas presents.

I think my DD chooses to believe, because she thinks she'll get more stuff that way. She's said specifically that she does not want to have any conversations about Santa beyond "I'm going to ask Santa for X this year" and me responding whether that's a reasonable thing to ask for or not.

If your DD is not asking specifically if Santa exists and already has her own beliefs justified, is it really best to ruin the magic of Christmas at the age of 9? When she is ready to know the truth, she will ask the questions. If she still believes wholeheartedly in Santa, I say squeeze one more year of Christmas magic out of her and enjoy the heck out of it!

In our house, Santa stops coming to you when you stop believing in him. Then he lets your parents know and they start buying you stuff (and, of course, the stuff is not nearly as good). I remember still wondering when I was a teenager. I LOVE that no one actually came out and told me that the truth. I would have been devastated to hear it at that age.

This is one of those sticky parenting topics that has no right or wrong answer. You know your child best. What would be more upsetting to her at the age of 9... ribbing from some aquaintances about something she strongly believes or being told the truth when she doesn't want to hear it?

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JonLaw, your reply..."I remember trying to figure out how somebody could travel at a speed that would basically have to travel faster than the speed of light to accomplish the Santa task..." cracked me up! That is SO my DD6. She figured it all out at age 4 (and has always questioned God's existence too) and came to me and asked me flat out if he was real. When I looked into her trusting eyes I just couldn't lie to her. She was SO RELIEVED and she said, "Mom, I knew all along...I mean REALLY?!? FLYING REINDEER?!? (and on and on)..." haha The whole Santa thing is kind of creepy to me anyways...Asking small children to sit on a strange guys lap...Lol Now I'm just worried about her spilling the beans in 1st grade...

What we tell our kids is: You have to believe to receive.

That means, once you know "the secret", you have to play along for the younger ones.

I thought I'd get back to you all and let you know where we are at! Well, I almost had a conversation with her the other night, and didn't. I actually think I'm going to let her go on. She knows that there are other who don't believe. She knows that it really doesn't make sense. She knows she has to ask for realistic gifts. (unlike the year she asked to be made into a fairy.) As far as I'm concerned, she has enough information to decide for herself. She clearly has let us know her decision. I'm not sure what would make her sadder, us having lied about Santa or us not letting her play the Santa game another year.

So, another year of sitting on Santa's lap...for us. I also think that because she is the oldest in the family, brightest in the class, and responsible for many things, she deserves to sit on the lap of a fat, old man and tell him what she really wants for Christmas...She gets to be little again for 5 minutes. It's still magical. Besides, she KNOWS it's not the real Santa. Just people he hires. lol
Thanks for all the comments. It made me really think about what I felt was right for HER.

DD8 is really into dolls too. Barbie, American Girls, Moxie Girls, Polly Pockets, Littlest Petshop, BFC Inc, Dolly & Me...etc! She finds other girls at her gifted school that also like to play that way and they have playdates where they just get lost in their make believe world. I wasn't that kind of kid so I don't get it. I don't think she will be giving up her dolls any time in the near future!

i think the kids and I have been playing along with each other on the santa thing for YEARS. None of us wants to pull back the curtain and expose OZ for what he is... I never felt comfy fabricating a huge deception though.