I can see my formerly outgoing and extroverted DD becoming more isolated from her age peers due to the asynchronous development - just isn't as much fun when you have to explain a new game and your friends aren't getting it.

I wonder how many gifted introverts are out there that were 'conditioned' to be so due to their asynchronous development as children versus 'introvert' being the default setting for the gifted.

Care to share your thoughts on this, folks?

I definitely have thoughts to share-- but I should probably let them percolate a bit longer first. I was a (seeming) extravert as a child, and I'm very much an introvert now... but I think that the difference is that in children, this personality difference seems to mostly be judged-- mistakenly-- on the basis of gregariousness or timidity/social anxiety.


If you are gregarious and not timid, then you MUST be an extravert, yes? Aren't ALL assertive or charismatic people extraverts by nature??

Not so much, actually-- this set point really only authentically describes your recharging mechanism, at least in my understanding of things. So extraverts NEED other people to feel refreshed and energized... and introverts NEED time to themselves to do so.

I needed a lot of time with my own thoughts as a child in spite of my talkativeness and social gregariousness. I still slip that persona on and off to suit my surroundings, which fools many people in my life into not realizing that I'm a hard-core introvert. But I am. I get seriously unhinged after about 72 hours if I don't have at least a couple of hours of QUIET me-time each day, and at least half an hour or so needs to be continuous and uninterrupted. I'll gladly forgo sleep for that time, honestly-- I need it that much.

On the other hand, my DH is someone who is a true extravert in spite of being somewhat socially awkward with others, and easily frustrated in his communications with them. He gets unbearably lonely after a couple of days alone in the house. Me, not so much. I like it.

I've had people close to me ask me which of my sides is "real." That has always struck me as peculiar. They both are. I like people. I just don't NEED them. My father was a truly bimodal person-- he had both needs. I've not known too many people that had extreme needs in both directions like that, but they must exist because he was one.

Introversion and extroversion are just differences in what constitutes a "healthy" or "toxic" lifestyle/environment/work-life balance for a particular individual. My DH has a lot of friends and spends MOST evenings away from home. I find that four scheduled evenings a week is well out of my tolerance zone for people-intensive activities-- because it cuts into my down-time too much.

I have solitary hobbies-- meditative and quiet, most of them. I always have. It's not frustration with others, or a lack of enjoyment of them... it's about the primal need for me personally, which is introverted. For my DH, that primal drive is about social interaction.

It completely makes sense to me that in an evolutionary sense, introverts are less common than extraverts are-- primates ARE social/tribal creatures. It also makes sense, though, that introverts are evolutionarily necessary-- because we can be immune to groupthink and peer pressure in ways that extraverts struggle with.

Sample size of 2, but fwiw, dd was introverted out of the womb. Wouldn't leave my lap at baby play group until 40 minutes had elapsed. Ds was outgoing when very young -- and still is.

Don't I know about that one - I always shock people when I explain that I need solitude because they assume that I am a full one extrovert just because I am not timid and do genuinely enjoy the company of others. I still need to time to 'veg' on my own to feel whole, though. A bit like how 'seven of nine' needed to 'regenerate'.

"Cautiousness" is another proxy that others seem to use to identify introversion in others, particularly in children.

That might explain why some children seem to be introverted right from the start, and most of them stay that way, whereas some kids SEEM to be extraverts who later convert to a more cautious and standoffish approach. I think that the latter is probably especially common in gifted persons, as we learn that most people don't get our jokes or find the same things interesting-- they just think we're weird. So we tend to spend an extended time in "observation" mode, which comes across as socially anxious or timid.

This resonates. I would self-identify as an extrovert with strong solitary tendencies, which is essentially that bimodal personality you describe. On most Jungian personality tests, I consistently score as just slightly extrovert, which fits.

In person, I'm a bona fide show pony, leading group conversations, hobnobbing, and generally loving the company of likeminded others. I live interpersonally. My best ideas come from discussions with close friends and colleagues. This is my preferred way of operating but, like a big cat, I'm short on stamina and long on rest. I NEED an hour or two each day to be immersed in people, but at least a few hours to let my ideas percolate, to exercise in solitude, and to just be. An extended social lunch or dinner contrasted with an otherwise solitary day is my ideal.

I think the other tricky part is that gifted kids need lots of stimulation, intellectually and since other people are complex and potential sources of information that the drive for intellectual stimulation can confound. However, it is pretty well studied that extravert/introvert is one of the strongest "fixed traits."

DS is definitely an extravert and freaks a bit if he doesn't have frequent presence of others. I'm an introvert and this creates a tension between us.

If age peers aren't cutting it, the extravert will spend recess time chatting with a teacher or any adult they can find.

As a very young child, I never missed an opportunity to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Since my family didn't have a lot of money, I rode the bus often. Everyone on the bus is going somewhere... so that's an easy conversation starter. Eventually my mom had to implore me to stop talking to everyone, and stop giving out personal information. I was being way too trusting. It actually felt weird for a while to walk past people without trying to talk to them. That might have been the first step toward introversion, but I don't think it's the cause or anything.

I think everything changed in middle school. I never had much of a problem getting along with children in my elementary school, but in middle school the popular boys had a mean streak to them. They were basically bullies whenever they thought they could get away with it, and they didn't like being stood up to. I remember rescuing a kid from being pushed out of the locker room in his underwear (as I had the size and confidence to do so) and these bullies asked me why I cared, since they weren't doing it to me. I was pretty good at sports, but there was no way I was going to spend more time with that kind of kid than I had to.
At the same time, I was getting frustrated with the pace of learning in my math and science classes. In 6th grade I had the realization that I was smarter than my math teacher. The same was true in 7th grade. I was annoyed that the school did nothing to accommodate me.
So the well-liked kids were jerks, and the adults didn't seem to care about kids like me. By the time I entered high school I was firmly committed to a counter-culture mindset.

I still don't know whether or not I'm gifted or just a high achiever, but I am definitely an introvert. I stay up late every single night to have my alone time after my kids and DH go to bed. I was more "outgoing" as a young child but around 5th/6th grade that changed - not sure why. I can engage people in conversation no problem (unless it's on the phone, then I have to psych myself up) but I prefer 1 or 2 people and hate having to be around more people than that all at once in a social setting. Even after having a one on one conversation for more than like an hour, I'm fried - done.

My DS who is possibly EG seems to trend toward introversion - it's hard to tell for sure because he is often "high" with his sensory issues and will talk to anyone (including strangers - ugh). I do think he feels shut down by his peers somewhat due to what the OP mentioned.

My DD who is not identified but I think is MG, seems more extroverted to casual observer but she does have a shy streak (which I know isn't the same as introversion). She doesn't go off and play by herself as much as her brother does.

DS8 is shy and mildly extraverted.* DS4 is shy and introverted.* Both take time when they meet someone new. They observe and watch quietly and prefer not to speak. Once they've decided the new person is ok they are both chatterboxes. However, DS8 will melt down if he's had to be alone too long and seems exhausted by a lack of company. His *need* to talk to someone is what drives him to stand outside my bathroom door and chatter away even when I've told him I'm not listening. DS4 will go into his closet, shut the door and play if he's been around people for too long. I definitely see shy and introversion and very different things.

*Those are my best guesses but as these kiddos are still young- who knows.

Maybe this is OT, but as an introvert myself I really enjoyed the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain. That book has also been discussed on NPR somewhere. Generally it talked about the differences between introverts and extro(a)verts and how our society is extravert-centric. But what I really enjoyed about it for myself is it was very positive about the value of introversion, which has made it easier for me to enjoy and value my own introversion and not to feel guilty about it. I have also given myself permission more often to say no to things that I know I will not enjoy due to being introverted, and to schedule down time when I know I will need it (e.g., visiting the in-laws, all of whom are very extraverted and most of whom are delightful

I don't remember if it specifically talked about introverted and gifted, though; I think it was more there are different kinds of people and they need different kinds of things to be happy. But well-argued, considered, and informative, IMO.

DD8 is a cautious extrovert, and has been since the womb. She would get quite noticeably upset if someone she didn't know attempted to hold her, so we developed a rule, "Don't pick her up until she lets you know she's ready." When she decided the person was okay, she'd throw her arms up in the "pick me up" sign, and be just as friendly as could be.

This cautiousness before opening herself up is one way the casual observer might mistake her for being shy. The other way is that she is highly selective, valuing quality over quantity in her relationships. She'd be more likely to have two best friends for life than hang with a large crowd of superficial friends.

But she is, without a doubt, highly extroverted, because she is constantly demonstrating a craving to be with other people, and is highly energized in social situations.

As for how my DD's intrinsic personality has been affected by the kind of conditioning described in the OP...

She displayed something that looked a lot like shyness in public school, because of the things that I'd mentioned before. She was being highly selective, and the other kids were simply not her peers. She also had negative experiences with a couple of her teachers, and that dynamic affected her ability to form friendships with classmates. But, get her outside of those issues, and she is who she is. When we're talking about intro/extroversion, we're talking about an intrinsic personality property, after all.

I underwent some things similar to my DD's experience, for a far longer time, and I can't say it affected my degree of extroversion, either. I am who I am.

This also happened to me, although as a girl I think it was probably accelerated by how my family couldn't really afford to buy many nice things, including clothes.

It's interesting to me that some people seem to need 'both' solitude and company--I think DD is like that; she's happy to sit and read all day, but if one of her friends is around she can chat with them all day, too.