DD is 7 and has just been accepted to a gifted magnet school. While her current school has some good things about it, it has not been challenging for her at all, which she complains about. Initially she seemed to be in favor of switching to the magnet, but now that it has all become more real and we are seriously discussing it with her, she is feeling unsure. She's worried about missing her friends and some of the special aspects of her current school. We feel the magnet school would be a lot better for her, but the current one is not a bad choice, exactly.

Has anyone been in a spot like this? How did you deal with it? I don't think I want to make this into "You are going to the magnet"--if DD thinks she has been forced into something, she will go with a negative attitude. I would like her to feel good about it on her own terms. Again, she has been mostly positive to this point, but it was a bit more lalala if-you-get-in up until now. This is real, and she knows it.

I haven't been in this spot, but have talked about the possibility of homeschooling with DC, and have found that they worry about things, too.

Can you get your DD a shadow day at the new school to ease her concerns?

Also, how permanent is the choice? If your DD doesn't like the new school, can she go back? If she could go back, would it have to be at the beginning of the following school year, or would mid-year be possible? If going back is possible, I'd lay all that out with her to explain, and to set up kind of checkpoints for how it's going and the manner in which you'd decide how to proceed next.

Whether or not going back to the old school is an option, have you sat down with your DD to list your and her pros and cons of each school? Change can be scary for all of us, and sometimes the familiar seems a lot better just because it's comfortable. If you can remind DD of what she hasn't liked about the current situation, and how you expect that to change in the new situation, maybe that will help.

Good luck! Sounds like an exciting time for you and your DD!

Unfortunately, no--going back is probably impossible. Her current school is also admission-based (it's a charter) and they would be very unlikely to take us back.

I just suggested the pro/con list to her today. She said she might want to do it, but I could tell she was tired of the whole discussion, so I backed off. We actually only have a week to decide, so this is fairly urgent.

Is shadowing an option sometime this week?

Maybe set up a "least-worst" comparison after a wild brainstorming session to come up with ALL of the pros and cons (no matter how small, weird, improbable, or insignificant they seem to an adult) and then base a decision on that?


Might be a good idea to do some long, and very RELAXING physical activity beforehand, too.

That way the lines of communication are likely to be as good as they possibly can be.


It's hard when there isn't an "Un-Do" feature on a life choice.

I have had success starting pro/con lists and other serious discussions with something completely bizarre, to get DC to relax and laugh about it a little.

I agree with HK that it's important to take ALL of DC's pros/cons seriously. There have been things that have never occurred to me as being real worries that DS has raised when we've been trying to help him manage his (generalized) anxiety. It has taken practice and patience not to dismiss his concerns with, "That's nothing to worry about," but instead to understand that these things are real to him, and to help him brainstorm ways to overcome the fears, or what he might do in xx situation if he's worried about an unknown.

I just recently read an article on goal setting that suggested that we choose adjective instead of verb-noun, type goals. That might be useful here, rather than a pro-con list, how about brainstorming what kinds of adjectives an idea school would have, and also adjectives to describe DD's best self. Then you can compare what she has now, to the adjective list, and what you hope the gifted school might provide, to the ideal school adjective list, and back it up with what the adjectives on the DD's best self list.

Remember, you are making a thinking-person's commercial, not a decision list. You are explaining why she has to follow your lead here - even if it is hard! The key is that you may yourself have doubts, and it's hard to present a strong front when the doubts are still twrling around in there. Yes it would be easier if DD were excited about the move, but even though it's difficult, it's your job as parent to keep holding out the goals, and insisting that she give it her best effort.

My son is headstrong enough that I wouldn't dare be so direct with him about how he has to accomplish the goal of being in a challenging enough environment where he has a chance of becoming his best-self, but after hammering the point home in 100 different ways, he knows what my adjectives are and that he has to pick an environment that has a reasonable chance of helping him meet those goals. 'Not-afraid-of-hard-work' is one of my adjectives for him that he knows is a bottom line for me in my job as parent.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Yes, we do have some doubts, and that is coloring my feelings here. Also, up to today, her doubts/concerns have been easily addressed and seemed like ones any reasonable person would have regardless of wanting a change in most ways (eg, "I will miss my friends"), but today she focused on the programs that will admittedly be absent at the new school, and that is harder to address positively.

She has visited the school (as have we) while it was in session, but briefly, as part of a scheduled tour. I don't think shadowing is an option.

To be clear, we have not presented it as "You need to decide" but as "We as a family need to make a decision together, and your input matters." In the end we will have the final power, possibly going against her preference, but I really, really would rather not make it into "Yes, you are too going". She is very stubborn, emotional and intense and I fear that would start us off on the absolute wrong foot.

(1) If your other school option is public school, everybody can remember - if things don't go well after two months the family can decide to go back. Seven is pretty young to have the pressure of being responsible. And it would be good if she could shadow ...

(2) Having done this at that age - we always tell other kids switching schools but not "moving" means you end up with MORE friends. You can still play soccer, have sleepovers, etc. with anyone who is your friend. Real friendships even among the little people aren't made or broken by school day schedules (especially when typical public school schedules keeps them moving so fast from one thing to the next vs through context that their isn't a ton of time to socialize.

We left a posh and lovely and supremely ranked public school for a little, low budget charter school. The trade-offs are everywhere. But in the end, I pick a real "year's growth" for my kids. And the friendships they've made for being with likeminded kids is HUGE. And yes, what we once said held true... we still all have friendships with local friends - and friends from school.

It is hard. I know. And in the end you will have to just decide what you feel is best for all of you knowing kids are resilient and survive in spite of their parents ;-) We did have the great fortune of shadowing after which no army could have gotten my kids out of the self contained gt school.

We just made this decision a couple months ago. Our DS7 was grade-skipped into our local public 2nd grade, and things were not challenging enough for him. They were doing lots of pullouts and doing their best, but we decided that a school for HG kids would be better for him, mainly so he would not be the only kid like him in the school and so he would have the chance to learn alongside intellectual peers.

When our DS went on the school tour, he thought it was great, and was all for the move. When it became a reality, he started getting cold feet, but that is only natural. We talked about the decision as a family decision, but really DS did not have much say as a just-turned 7yo. Friends were a concern for him too, but we said we'd still be able to see his friends, like we still see his friends from the grade he skipped out of.

Things have been great at the new school. Even though it was hard to leave mid-year, DS is learning things that he wouldn't have learned for another year or two at the other school. He complains sometimes that he doesn't like to think, and he misses the pullouts at the other school because he got out of classroom projects, but we think that is a positive sign for a kid who has never had to think before.

The transition for our DS was pretty smooth. The new class was very welcoming, and the teacher is super fun. We have no regrets about our decision. Good luck!

ETA - As for having a stubborn child, we have one too. What we found though, is that in the before-the-decision-was-made talks, DS understood that the new school would be better in many ways. So, we were very matter of fact when we made the decicion, reminding DS what he had thought about the new school. We remained even-keeled, and basically told him that the family decided that this was the best decision for now. Sometimes you have to make tough parenting decisions, but deciding what the best educational plan is at the moment for your children, is, IMHO, a parental decision.

I admit that I have this what-if paranoia in the back of my mind--"What if she hates it, and years from now is always saying 'My parents pulled me out of this great, relaxed arts school and put me in this hypercompetitive gifted school, and I hated it'?"

Sigh.


This is a GREAT way to approach it with her, although I know what she will also say in response: "But we never see (best friend from 3yo preschool class who doesn't even remember DD anymore) or (child with extremely weird and hostile parents who left current school in a cloud of ill-will) anymore."

Sadly, DD will grow up and question your judgement - no matter what you do - it goes with the territory, especially for our perfectionistic little ones 'Outer Directed Perfectionism'

Frankly, she will probably also hate it at first, that what reversing underachievement is all about. But better now than at age 20 babykins!

Can a playdate be arranged with one of the nicer girls from the new school? Sometimes all it take is to be shown 'Oh, someone who gets my jokes!'

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Well, she did pro/con lists today. She wrote and came up with most, but I suggested some, too. When we were done, my blessedly logical child quickly saw that the new school had more pros than the old school, and said "Well, I think I should go to newschool, then."

We'll see if it lasts! This is all so delicate with her.

Prayers your way - good logical girl! I'm so proud of her!
My hunch is that if you stay grounded that this is 'worth trying even if it's hard' that she will stay the course.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I have to see, it was illuminating to discuss with her the simple fact that school's main purpose is learning, and to ask her if current school is helping her learn.

"No, I don't really learn anything there. I'd like to go someplace where I could learn things." Not emotional or bitter about it--just matter of fact. It reminded me of the time she offhandedly remarked that the only useful thing she'd learned at school so far this year was how to do a better job cutting a circle out of paper. (Not true--she also has learned how to read a clock and count money, two things we hadn't taught her. And I assume SOME of the improvement in her writing this year is due to school. But sill.)

Just to update--we did settle on the switch to the gifted school starting in the fall. We are all nervous, excited and sad (about leaving the old school) all at once.