Is it possible to keep a friendship with a person clearly not interested in discussing stuggles we have w/our children.

My feelings are very hurt by someone I thought I was very close to when she ignores say an email or txt about anything academically related to my DS7 which I do not feel it is bragging.

For instance... a mention of signing my DS7 up for his 1st reading class w/CTY and how I am happy they do not give a letter grade for fear he would not pass w/flying colors.

As a friend I feel I should be able to mention what is going on. When I enrolled him in swimming I told her. I dk why I need to censor what I say is going on.

I am very hurt because I felt we were true friends and true friends should be able to talk about everything.

Am I wrong? Do I need to keep what I am going through with him silent?

There are a lot of people like this in my life, especially amongst my husband's parents and my sister in laws who have non-GT children the same age as ours. The SILs love to comment about dumb things like Vampire shows on FB, but when I publish DS's novels, accomplishments, or even just "kid stuff" where he isn't GT (like artwork), there is never a single comment from that camp.

What I've decided is that there are people who still have lots of value in our lives, even if they have a competition issue (or whatever it is) when it comes to talking about the children's accomplishments. I can't cut everyone out just because they don't pat me on the back everytime I have something to share. I say what I'm going to say without worrying about their response, and try to put it out of my mind.

I come from a family where most of us cousins grew up gifted, and one cousin was probably the genius of the bunch. I grew up disliking my aunt and making fun of my cousin behind his back because we were so sick of hearing about him. I now realize that he had nothing to do with this, and she was just proud of her child (and more verbal about it than the other aunts), but my guess is that a lot of people feel that way listening to us, too!

It sounds to me like your friend is a true friend in many other ways, so I wouldn't give up on him yet.

That is a very mature response gratefulmom.
At the moment I am upset.

I had just commented on what a great job her child did on something she posted on FB before I had sent my email.

I dk if I can be as mature as you are.

Tracey,

Maybe your friend doesn't know what to say? I understand where you're coming from and that you don't want to encourage his perfectionism, etc. But sometimes, in our efforts to be non-confrontational, we make statements to which it is hard to respond.

I agree with gratefulmom - don't give up. Think about framing your statements in a way in which she can identify with your struggles. (which is also HARD)

Good Luck!

Maryann

I hear you, and I don't always feel mature about it, either!! I have a monkey mind, though, and if I don't try to calm it down with rational thought, negative thoughts will eat away at me.

My in-laws do bug me a lot, because I tend to internalize and feel like they don't love my sons if they don't verbalize their support. Like you, I am always careful to genuinely applaud anything my nieces and nephews do. I truly do think, though, that it probably stinks to hear about another child constantly outshining ours (in benchmark areas like school) when each of our children are the center of our world.

I get the in-law thing lol
When I told my in-laws DS got accepted into CTY they just said "Oh"

I know they just don't get it, that is sad though.

Feels so isolating right? We can't even share things with family. That is sad.

My best friend's son does MA-fighting, in which he is very good. To be honest I could care less about the whole fighting world especially for a 6 year old, just as she is not really into the whole academic world. It is hard for me be happy for her when her son wins a fight just as she is not excited when my DD accomplishes something academically. Needless to say we usually limit academic and fighting talk to the bare minimum.
It could be that your friend is just not as impressed with academic accomplishments as you are, or maybe your comments are making her feel like you are raising your child's accomplishments above hers.
In any case, I wouldn't consider it a big deal if a friend does not feel the same awe as you do about your kids. There are many things, besides the children's accomplishments in which to talk about.

I think it depends - if it's just that a friend doesn't have a way to connect to one thing I might talk about, and can't help with problems in that area, that's fine. This is why one should have more than one friend ;-) But if a close friend were unwilling even to listen if I was seriously distressed about something in that area, that'd be a problem. I don't expect my every remark to be responded to, but I wouldn't like to feel there were large no-go areas in discussion with a close friend.

A complication is that in a friendship that's carried on in writing, maybe it isn't always clear which things need responses, either. If that's a factor here, maybe there might be some mileage in trying to ask for what you need more clearly - if you want input on something in particular, say so, by asking a specific question ("what would you do in my place?") or explicitly saying so ("I'd really value hearing your point of view on this" or "Hugs welcomed!" or whatever.)

I have times where I feel this way too - it is so hard. And I am a person who isn't always good at self-editing and who tends to run on at the mouth when I am worked up!

I only have 3 or 4 friends I talk about g/t stuff with at all, but sometimes, with enough time for self-reflection, I realize that I've gone over the line of discussion to what could be considered bragging (it isn't intended that way, but I can see that it could be taken that way). And there are times when I haven't gone over that line but my friend clearly isn't interested or has their own reaction, maybe in part because of their own issues. With the recent subject acceleration, I am not talking about it to anyone, in most cases even when asked.

In either case, I try to be gentle. To myself, for not being careful about what I have said, and maybe letting pride creep in (I think it is fine to be proud of our kids, of course), and to my friend, who also has her own things to deal with.

I also don't think true friends can talk about anything. I guess I would say true friends know each other well enough that they know what to avoid, and are considerate about those issues.

Good luck, Cat

Sometimes I wonder if an element of competitiveness plays a role in some of the lukewarm responses. I'm only speculating here, but I've suspected it on occasion. For example, I know a parent who compares my son's abilities to those of his child. He often starts off by saying "she isn't as brilliant as your child, but...!"

It bothers me, and I don't really know what to do about it.

Val

Does your friend respond to other things you talk about/post? If this is the *only* thing to which she doesn't respond, then, yes, I think you have a right to be hurt. However, some people just aren't great about responding (and if you don't have a point for comparison, then you probably need to talk about something else ;))
Anyway, I think that there are many, many reasons for this and I do think it's possible to keep a friendship with someone who feels differently. I know that there is probably a lot longer story that you can adequately relay here, but your example didn't sound like a struggle to me and I can see how someone might have taken it as a brag, or just a chance to throw out there that he was signing up for a high-level class. I guess it's hard to say without knowing how you phrased it- was it just thrown into a long email or text or did you send her a note and say, "I'm excited/anxious/worried about signing ds7 for his first class. I really hope it goes well - I'm glad they don't give letter grades."?
I'm sure everyone has different levels of privacy, but honestly, I can't imagine ever sending out a text announcing that I had signed up one of my kids for a gifted class- just the nature of that seems to come across as bragging (I can't imagine doing it for soccer or karate or anything, so again, maybe it's just my own level of comfort with sharing things).
We happened to just drop our dd17 off at college this week, and I have mentioned to a few people who have asked about it that I was really excited about the Honors College- that they paired her with a mentor and it was a great connection and resource, but that was probably the first time I brought up that she got into the Honors College (she was accepted and given a scholarship back in the spring). So, if it comes up naturally, I talk about it, but otherwise I really don't.
You also have to consider that some people are not jealous or spiteful- they actually think that you're wrong. I know my MIL, for one, doesn't even think my kids should be in the gifted program, let alone doing a CTY class (not that it has stopped us- each of my kids has at some point done outside gifted programming). However, I know that she is actually trying hard not to say anything negative when I tell her my kids are taking an academic summer class, because she believes in kids having fun and thinks it's too much pressure.Obviously, we don't agree, but I try to respect her feelings and realize that she just has a very different view on it.
I know that some parents also can't help but compare. Honestly, one of my kids is bad at sports and sometimes I had to catch myself from thinking, "oh yeah, right..." when my sister would say things like, "(your nephew) is having a tough season in baseball" when I knew darn well that he had just played on the all-star team. For him, it WAS a tough year, but geez, when I had a son the same age who was still having trouble tying his shoes in third grade... so, saying you're worried about how your son will do might come across like you were fishing for compliments or something, because to your friend, your son seems like a super-genius. I remember a conversation I had about dd wanting to re-do her ACTs. A friend and I were commiserating, until I picked up on the fact that her dd got a 24. Mine got a 31. Our idea of needing to do better was wildly different, since a 31 was the 98th%-ile. Luckily, I had not at that point mentioned dd's score, and I didn't (I honestly thought that her dd would do similarly). However, it's just a minefield and I would cut your friends some slack.
THIS is the best place, or other gifted boards, or with your friends of gifted kids, to really discuss openly and freely. With your other friends, I would gauge things on an individual basis.

Theresa

Is this a friend you had before having kids or is it someone you met through child related functions? Either way our friendships bend and stretch as our lives progress. I had a friend who I considered a close one before having children, but we were recent friends in that we only met about a year before we both got pregnant (2 months apart). I was ecstatic thinking how we would be able to share our experiences and for the first 6 months that was the case, but when my DD showed early on her less than normal ways it became abundantly clear that hard and competitive feelings were going to be par for the course. Our friendship suffered and I learned early on not to share that much with her but then I resented it because we could always share everything.

On the flip side: my closest and dearest friend who I have know for 20 years has been there through it all. She encouraged me to share and pointed out the differences so I would know it was okay to not hide them. She has never doubted DD;s abilities and when I talked about her possible level according to Ruf's definitions (which was hard for me to even bring up)I will never forget her response. "I don't know about the gifted levels you talk about but there is no mistake that that child is PG."

I guess I'm saying that we have some friends that we can openly share everything including our frustrations and let's face it ... we as a group will have many frustrations along the path of raising these unique children but also our joys. AND we will find that some of our friends won't be able to deal with this path so we have to make decisions: do we stay friends but censor our conversations? Some people can do that but I find it fake and I'm anything but fake.

Have you tried talking with your friend about this? It may be that you will find out what is up if you ask her.

I have a few close friends and very supportive family members. I am lucky that I do not have anything to complain about with their reactions. I try to temper all of my 'reports' on DD with humour and then deflect quickly to ask about their DKs. If I want to talk about a particular accomplishment, I sandwich it in between asking about their family and a funny story about mine. People always want to talk about themselves and their families... it is a fact of life. You never go wrong asking lots of questions and being a good listener. Saying that though, it also has to go both ways. If your friend is not providing that to your relationship, speak up!