I had sensed that DD9's teacher was not the warm caring kind of teacher we have had the last 2 years. DH and I met with her a couple of weeks ago to explain that DD had been diagnosed with ADHD, and we wanted to support the teacher as she worked with DD. The teacher did not appear to be concerned when we stated that DD was not happy at school. This is the teacher who stated that DD just need a therapist. Yesterday afternoon at the preliminary meeting for a 504 accommodation for DD's ADHD (inattentive type)the teacher stated that she would have our daughter nicely fixed up and organized soon. I stated that DD would need both the school, our private psychologist and us parents to really help her to gain the tools for better executive functioning. I added that in the clinic I worked last year I saw students who still needed assistance in middle school and beyond for their ADHD. It doesn't go away. I think she looked a bit peeved by that. Darn. I didn't mean to do that. The principal asked for specific details about accommodations for DD from our psychologist and even suggested that the psych. use specific phrases in her report so we would be sure to get the 504. She was very helpful. When I turned to the teacher to ask her if we could have another meeting with her she said that she would be glad to see us next month at the parent/teacher conferences. I asked if I could see her earlier. Our psych. has recommended that we work with this teacher to provide "more enrichment, more challenge" to DD until, fingers crossed, the school agrees to accelerate her. I even jokingly agreed to buy her dinner and stated that as my mom is a teacher I know just how busy they are!! She said to email her some dates.
Alright. Today. I'm trying to be calm. The psychologist created this fantastic letter for the teacher and explained with all the correct terminology that DD needs accommodations now, and my husband and I would be willing to purchase online classes, volunteer in class, provide materials, you name it for DD and any other child who could use them. It was a powerful letter. She even used the school's test scores (and other testing) to prove her point. I was to give it to the teacher so that this teacher and I could work together to help DD. I just received an email from this teacher that she is too busy to meet with us, and we will just have to wait until November's parent/teacher conference to meet with her. We get 15 minutes.
I am dumbfounded. Appalled. I have never ever had such a teacher at this school. I have had the best relationships with the past 2 teachers. They knew that DD needed extra, even if they didn't always have lots of time to provide a little extra. I am just sick. I don't even want to send DD to school tomorrow. I am waiting for DH to get home so I can get some support. Poor guy. I will be waiting for him at the front door.

What does one do when a teacher won't even meet with the parent?

Oh greenlotus, I can feel your frustration from here, and just wanted to let you know that someone heard you!

Now, here I am going to speak as someone who hasn't had the nerve to do what I am suggesting - but I think you really have most of what you need: clear instructions from the psych, and general agreement from the principal that those instructions would be followed. Perhaps if the teacher is not available to meet, you can cheerfully assume that it is because she is happy to move forward and doesn't need to again discuss the specifics in the short term?

It sounds like you are personally prepared to drive (feed them) many of the accommodations anyways, so could you just do it? Act like she's totally on board and aligned with everyone else. E-mail the teacher (daily if need be), copied to the principal, saying essentially, "as we discussed and has been elaborated in letter from psych, today we are sending DD in with the following alternative materials to work on. She has been signed up for course x, and we will work with the school admin to ensure that within 24 hours she has on-line access during class time. We are happy to come in on the following dates to work with the whole class on z. We are really looking forward to talking with you at the Nov meet-the-teacher about the effectiveness of these approaches, and what additional steps we can take to ensure DD's educational success this year."

OK, I admit, I speak with no experience. It's just what I wish I'd do under the circumstances, and hope I'll do if we get to a similar place. Hang in there! It will get better. The principal is on board, the 504 is coming, and you are obviously fully equipped to make it happen, with or without the teacher. You're doing great!

My thought on 504s is that they are almost useless unless the teacher is on board and agrees with it and willing to follow it. So many of the modifications/accommodations you have to trust the teacher to do, and there is no way to verify or prove that it is being followed or not followed. I have had teachers disregard specific things even in DS's IEP, like making him use his slant board. That being said, it's helpful if there is an obvious violation, like the 504 says no timed tests and you can prove that she was given a timed test and it somehow counted against her (in terms of placement or getting a worse grade for example).

If she won't meet with you I would just show up in her classroom after school one day and tell her you have some questions. If she says she doesn't have time, ask her to call you and tell her that she can choose a time that works for her. If she refuses, I would report her to the principal. Teachers can't just refuse to talk to parents.

This teacher sounds like a piece of work and like she just doesn't buy into the ADHD or giftedness or want to work with you. Is there any way you can request a teacher change? We had a teacher like this last year who was very passive aggressive and I ended up pulling out DS in the middle of the school year and transferring to a different district school. I know you have been looking around at other schools so I'm guessing your options are very limited.

I'm a little passive aggressive so If it were me I'd be sending a well worded email about understanding her time pressures etc but that you still need to discuss DD with somebody so, can she recommend one of her seniors for you to contact, otherwise offer to save her the trouble and call around yourself.

I'd give her a week and call the principal. Like I say passive aggressive, but she can't argue with you wanting to save her time.

I can really feel your frustration and empathise totally. I would have been just like you, hanging by the front door for DH so I could download. I might not have waited and fired him off an email, he is hard to reach by phone. Actually writing down your thoughts can be really useful.

Asking why do we all think this teacher's response is so inappropriate, is a good way to start organising your thoughts

You clearly have a child with needs that need to be addressed in an urgent way and the teacher is essentially stonewalling you. That says so many things which could include I am not interested, I am too lazy, I don't understand, I don't agree. None of those possibilities is conducive to a good working relationship which you need to best progress your daughter's education.

This can't wait weeks and it can't be appropriately addressed in a a 15 minute meeting.

There definitely needs to be immediate further communication. The principal sounded on board. The options I would pursue include:

A return email to the teaching firmly stating that this can not wait nor be best addressed in a 15 minute meeting.

Including an outline of steps that need to begun to address your daughter's needs immediately and which you must discuss in person to ensure they are fully understood and how best to integrate those measures at both school and home.

Copying in the principal or forwarding the exchange to the principal and asking for their advice as to how you can more forward with meeting your daughter's needs if the teacher is unwilling to meet when needed.

I certainly would not wait, apart from the fact that your daughter needs intervention ASAP, schools move slowly and you don't want the momentum to be lost. Before you know it the date for the parent teacher conference will arrive and 15 mins is all you will get.

While I quite like MichelleC's approach, nothing will happen with this teacher unless she buys into her role in the process. The principal will hopefully be of assistance there. If you can't get that then you need to consider all your options.

I also agree on acting ASAP. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt for way too long, when I should have just gone straight to the principal and started there, and kept going back to them instead of trying to discuss issues with the levels in between when I started to feel them push back/switch off during discussions. It was the established "process" at the school to talk first to the teacher, then the HOD, then the vice-principal, and only then the principal (the last two only if discussions weren't "working" with other staff members), but it got me nowhere - for the last 2 weeks DS was at the school the teacher simply ignored us completely, then the communication sheet "disappeared" from his file, so we had no proof we'd even tried to communicate with her (we weren't allowed to call them directly or email them, you had to use the coms sheet or call the office to request a meeting).

I also agree that if the teacher is either inexperienced in this area, or someone who doesn't "buy into" giftedness/adhd, then you probably also aren't going to get far with her. Is there anyone at the school like a counselor who could mediate between you and try find out what the issue is? If she really isn't willing to do even that, then I'd request a teacher change from the principal.

All the best! I am glad you have such great support from the psych though!

I could be wrong and I hope I'm wrong but I don't see how you can change this teacher's heart and mind overnight. Maybe you could get the admin to force her to implement some changes but your DD isn't going to have the support she needs.

I'd request a teacher change and if that goes nowhere, I'd look into another school or homeschooling.

Unfortunately I have tried MON's approach with no success, although I am glad it has worked for their situation. The difficulty we had is that a more passive approach was generally ignored or walked over by teachers like this one. It also cost a lot of time.

I think you have tried pleasant and co-operative in your communications with this teacher. Direct and assertive, while remaining calm (and still pleasant) would be my tack, with early engagement of the principal. It was our only way through delaying tactics.

I also agree that you may well need a different teacher as one of your early options because it is very hard to get help from someone who does not want to be helpful.

Greenlotus the good news is you are not the only one on this board that has dealt with this. The bad news is also that you are not the only one on this board that has dealt with this. {hugs}

Over the years MON and I have had a sort of Yin and Yang approach to addressing these issues. She kills them with kindness. She is over the top sweet until they realize how clueless their behavior is. I, on the other hand, tend to use their cluelessness as a weapon to club them into submission. Whatever works for you and your child is fine.

The really good news is that your principal seems to be on board. I would use that to your advantage and go immediately to him/her. I mean immediately. I would forward that email exchange to the principal and request an *immediate* meeting. I mean as in you can be available this afternoon. If principal can't meet you today it could potentially wait until tomorrow but stress the need for immediacy. I mean N-O-W.

I guarantee the principal will have a discussion with this teacher about the importance of finding time to meet with you. If your psych says "NOW" then the principal will need to take that seriously and do whatever it takes to get the teacher to understand.

Unfortunately our totally clueless 2nd grade teacher never got it and we had an absolutely horrible principal. The staff at central office ended up spending countless hours cleaning up messes that were created. Yes I was a total pain in the neck but my approach worked. I presented information or requests. If the person didn't get it I went up the food chain. And up the food chain. And up the food chain. I had documentation and gained some important allies along the way. In doing this I may have esstablished a reputation for being "that parent" but I also established one for being serious, committed and on top of things. I earned credibility. Everyone knows that if I raise a question or concern it is legitimate and they check it out.

So MON's approach has proven very effective for her within her school environment. In our environment (and with my personality) playing nice fell flat. Choose the approach, or combination of approaches, that feels the most comfortable to you.

Good luck and be sure to keep us posted.

You have received a lot of great responses. In addition, I would suggest speeding up the 504 process. Once the document is completed, the teacher HAS to do what is in it, or the school will be in violation of the law. I'm sure the teacher is busy, but she will have to make time for the accommodations or face repercussions if she doesn't once the 504 is in place.

Of course, as the teacher is on the 504 team, you may face issues as to what you can actually get approved as she might not support your psychologist's recommendations. If you can, I highly recommend taking the psychologist to the 504 meeting. Also, is there a school psychologist? Ours was very helpful during the 504 process (which was for reasons other than ADHD)

We also ran into issues trying to set up meetings with the teacher when the Parent-teacher conference was a month or so away. One time I was able to get the meeting, and the other (different year) I was not. If she really won't meet with you before then, I suggest telling her nicely that you will need more than 15 minutes, and ask her when she would like to do it. Or you could call her (leave a voice mail, and then follow up with an email.) If you don't get a reply, then move on the principal or the 504 coordinator.

As an in between example, I use the MON approach, backed by an educational advocate. I work to build a relationship with the principal and teachers, talk about the weather with them, chit chat about their kids, and show myself as being a positive member of the school community. But when I've got things I don't think I can bring to the principal directly, I have her do it. My approach is slow, but it works for my family and in our school system.

As Pemberley points out, different approaches work for different people. Each school has its own culture. MON and Pemberley lay out two approaches that have been effective for them and their school systems. It really does help to understand how things function in your school building. Do you have anyone you can talk to? My first understanding of how to work with the school - what works, what doesn't, who will view my comments positively, who wouldn't - came from the mother of a child with significant disabilities. She approached me, knowing we were in need of help, but since then I've been more and more comfortable approaching other parents to pick their brains about what works and what does not. It doesn't need to be a parent dealing with the same constellation of abilities/disabilities, just a parent who speaks ETR/RTI/504/IEP jargon fluently and is on a first-name basis with intervention staff.

Well, what you do really depends on the district and school culture, the dynamics among the school personnel, the teacher's reputation, and the objective immediacy (to the school) of your DD' problems. I lean toward MON's approach as that has worked for us but that may partly have been due to the fact that the school likely had the perception that we have the resources to easily take legal action. What has helped tremendously for us was the gathering of creditable allies within the school from the very beginning. This would include school psychologist, school counselor, assistant principals, principals and former teachers who share your view of your DD and have provided past accommodations.

Your recourse (or lack of) will depend on the perceived reasonableness of your teacher's position within that school culture. Are we talking about November as in a week and a half or November as in four weeks? Is your daughter performing poorly or behaving problematically in school? In DS11/DD11's 4th grade two years ago, the parents of A and B students were told that they were not to sign up for one of the end of first quarter parent/teacher conference slots. The idea was that the other students/parents needed the teacher's attention more urgently and the A/B students/parents would have to wait until after first quarter conferences. In your situation, you don't yet have the 504 so the principal may back your teacher's delay in meeting you again unless you can demonstrate the need for an immediate meeting. Perhaps you can forward specific enrichment demands by email to the teacher? When she fails to implement them, then have your DD's psychologist send a letter to the principal stating the teacher's actions are damaging your DD so that it is necessary that the teacher immediately schedules a long meeting with you?

Ok then. You may think this is overkill, but I took everyone's posts, put them in a Word Doc, highlighted the advice in green, and sent it on the DH. This way he can scan quickly (he gets spoon fed all the giftedness info when he gets home at night!!). I am hyper-organized about this kind of info. I have printed out emails and/or made files to keep track of all the correspondence going back and forth from our house to the school because I will forget who said what and when. In my business, if it didn't get documented, it didn't happen.
-DH emailed the teacher last night. I didn't know until this morning. He used his psych. words (he is in the mental health field) that are so good and let her know that I would be bringing that letter to the principal today.
-I emailed the principal asking for a quick meeting just to show her psychologist's letter and to let her know that I truly appreciate her help/really don't want to be such a bother/it's not easy as parents but we feel that we must move forward/how can we work together....
-I sent a second email to the principal asking for the 2nd 504 meeting to be set up soon. Indicated that the psych. will be there to discuss DD's "dual identification". Psych. has asked for the school AIG teacher to be there along with a whole host of others. It will be a crowded meeting. Director of gifted after school classes will be sending a letter concerning DD. He's a Duke professor so that hopefully will be of help as well.

Whew! That's all so far. I will keep all of you wonderful people updated as things progress. I think we all need a big party somewhere to support each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so many great suggestions.

Good luck, greenlotus! Love your party idea

I made the initial mistake of believing that meetings with the school consisted of many educated adults, all with different perspectives and experience, united with a common goal: how to best serve my DD's educational needs. I therefore came in with an open mind to what they might propose, based on what they may have learned and seen from similar cases, and ready to educate them on our DD's specific needs and quirks, and how their proposals would affect her, which they would be very interested to learn.

Yeah, I was so young and dumb.

In this case, I would forward the teacher's response to the assistant principal, make sure the psych's letter is attached, and politely explain how a 15-minute meeting weeks away is inadequate for the situation at hand, and ask the AP what can be done to facilitate a meeting ASAP, so we can get a 504 in place for my DD, with interventions required urgently per psych evaluation (see attached), and as required by federal law.

Yeah, I'm that parent now, though I would describe my style as more of a crowbar than a hammer, as I use every single bit of leverage I can find, and keep on working the cracks until I can force the doors open. Interesting side effect, it seems the school gave DD an unusual opportunity this year, unasked, just to avoid having to deal with me.

Do you really *need* to meet with the teacher? You have private professional's report outlining the accommodations/etc your dd needs in the classroom. Make the written request for a 504 meeting, give the school a deadline to respond, have the meeting, get as much as you can put into the 504.

In the meantime, start communicating with the teacher via email if it's difficult to meet to talk in person or if she's not responding to request for meetings. As a first step, I'd probably just stop in at pick-up after school and talk to her, but if that is't going to work, go straight for email. Make your requests specific and in direct relation to something that is or isn't happening in the classroom - for example, will dd be allowed to type her creative writing assignments, or can ds be seated at the front of the room etc (whatever accommodations are relevant to your dd's situation and recommended by the psych she saw). When you make a request for something like these types of accommodations through email, state a simple example of what's going on with your dd in the classroom (or during homework sessions) that illustrates why she needs the accommodation. If you want to you can mention that it's been recommended by her psych (if it has). This isn't just a means of attempting to communicate with a teacher who isn't interested - each of these emails is going to be a record for you - a record that shows your dd needs accommodations - so even if the teacher does nothing, you've captured data that you can use when advocating.

Another thing you can do is to think through things your dd can do herself that aren't outright accommodations, and you can talk a lot to your dd to brainstorm what she thinks might work for her. I understand that your dd is frustrated over school and you're frustrated over it all, but it's still there and together you might be able to come up with some ideas that the psych hadn't thought of that actually are worth attempting.

Hang in there!

polarbear

eta - I replied before I'd read your follow-up post - it sounds like you are well on your way! Good luck with your meeting - let us know how it goes!