Okay we are officially withdrawing our child from public school to homeschool. I never like to burn bridges but I want to be clear that this decision was made because our child was punished for his disabilities. The teacher mocked the pain his disabilities caused to my face in front of the principal and others. She has made school an unsafe place for him to return. How much would you say or nothing at all?

That depends-- on a huge number of things.

Honestly-- and I don't mean this to sound offensive, but it probably will--

did this teacher maim or permanently injure your child? Place his life in danger? Or just temporarily leave you both reeling?

The reason that I ask is that there is (in my mind, at least) a lot of grey area in between clearly black/white discriminatory behavior.

I still think, based on what you've stated, that it comes down to a teacher who is ignorant. I don't believe in punishing ignorance-- but in educating it, where possible.

I say that as someone whose child was openly mocked in an e-mail passed around with a national club athletics organization-- by attorneys and coaches. A disability that really can kill her.

Mentioning that only to note that I get what you're feeling-- maybe even and then some, truthfully.

But I think that you're probably operating in "I'll get even with YOU..." or perhaps "How dare you treat us this way!!"

Neither of those things has a reasonable resolution as a result of anything that you do. It can only escalate the matter, and depending upon the size of your community-- do be careful placing your child in those particular cross-hairs. Word does get around. Mostly that word is going to be that you're a little neurotic and overprotective. (Unfair, I know.)

Here is what I think that you can-- legitimately-- state re: your decision to homeschool:

* attendance was not possible in the absence of a working IEP in the classroom-- the phrase that pays here is "hostile learning environment."

* your child was denied FAPE because of a procedural deficit (they didn't act to have a plan in place when he entered that teacher's classroom).

In other words, they need to fix that. They need some more effective means of meeting their child-find obligations and getting accommodations in place earlier-- what if this were a child who was medically fragile, hmmm? Any teacher with that attitude toward a child with asthma or diabetes could leave the district HORRIFICALLY exposed in terms of legal liability. Point that out.

If you make this about THAT teacher-- your message will not be heard. So don't. Make it about the process instead.

Then-- walk away.

Here is what I'm thinking...

Mrs Principal,

This is to inform you that as of September 16, 2013, our child, DS will be withdrawing from attendance at Elementary. The attitudes and behavior his teacher Mrs. has has continued to display including punishing DS for his Dyspraxia and Hypotonia and mocking the pain he experiences have made her classroom an unsafe place for him. His physical and emotional symptoms have escalated to the point that we cannot leave him in that environment any longer.

We have a few items of Mrs. to return as well as a library book, and DS has shoes, headphones, and school supplies which we would like back. Please advise us as to when we might come by the office to exchange these items.

Me

I'd try to move on as best I could and have as little or no interaction with the school as much as possible. I have a 2e/pg 7.5-yr-old son and had 'issues' with the public/private schools too, though not quite like yours; and I'm now un/homeschooling as a result. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and your child. That's totally unacceptable and very upsetting imo.

I would try put my energies into providing the best ways my child could foster and learn at home. If this means going outside the box and being unconventional with learning, then so be it. Your child will be better off.

I'd also say to re-direct your anger to forums like this and others and consider being an advocate for 2e kids, school reform, and un/homeschooling. That's what I did and have done. It helps. Things aren't going to change unless we start to get our voices heard.

As a parent, your job and priority is to ensure your child's welfare and safety and to help him receive an appropriate education. No one will be as invested or motivated to educate your child as you. That's something to always bear in mind.

Oh, yea, you can create a paper trail and contact lawyers, ACLU, the press/media, or anyone else you like. The public school no longer holds authority (or much of it) over you or what you do when you homeschool. It's so empowering!

Your message, while short, reads as very vengeful toward that classroom teacher.

They won't hear what you're saying if you do that.

(Please see my suggestions above-- the answer is to have directives in place BEFORE a child steps foot into a classroom, and to have those things in writing so that a teacher doesn't have the authority to do the things that yours did.)

Send it to the 504 coordinator and the district.

By the time you've gotten to this point, the reasons should be no surprise to the school, because you've had a number of meetings in which you've expressed your concerns, to anyone who would listen.

We've withdrawn our DD8 twice from the same school she's currently attending. She doesn't have any disabilities, but we do live in a state that legally treats the needs of gifted children the same as the needs of any child with exceptionalities. We have found it to be useful to be frank but factual about the reasons our DD has been withdrawn, because the next time she shows up, those reasons are still valid, and there needs to be a plan to address those concerns as a precondition for her re-enrollment.

The principal now avoids us like the plague (yet purposefully gives a fake-friendly greeting to my DD whenever she sees her, which is creeping DD out), but we haven't damaged any other relationships to the point where they're unworkable, and so far my interactions with the new asst. principal have been fairly positive.

As in your case, we withdrew our DD based on the school's failure to respect her rights as guaranteed under the law. I've found it to be fairly helpful to frame it as such. So in your case, if anyone asked why I was removing your DS, I'd say the following, as if I were a bored court clerk reading out charges to the accused: "I am withdrawing my DS because he has a physical disability that has been diagnosed by a medical professional, and the school has failed to offer appropriate accommodations for his disability, as required under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act."

Of course you are correct. I knew my course wasn't exactly right but wasn't sure where to approach. I feel it's a disservice to the entire situation to say nothing. I'm going to think on it a bit and revise.

If you're feeling especially passive-aggressive, you might include verbiage expressing your "concern" for the district's failure to follow federal law re: procedural safeguards.

After all, you wouldn't want them to get into trouble. You know, like they might with a parent more... um... apt to report this sort of thing in a formal complaint to OCR, I mean...


Yeah. Good thing that you're nice people. Not like that.

Nope, don't send that letter. Maybe:

This communicates the need for the 504 asap, and keeps the door wide open to allow him to return. ETA: I masterofnone's version. The one I wrote gets the job done without putting any complaints into writing. I am very, very slow to point ANY fingers. I lifted her first sentence of the 2nd paragraph as complimentary.

Deal with this in a separate communication.
"We have a few items of Mrs. to return as well as a library book, and DS has shoes, headphones, and school supplies which we would like back. Please advise us as to when we might come by the office to exchange these items."

Yes. I am feeling particularly passive aggressive. It does make me angry how they have acted towards a 6yr old's disabilities. It's just plain wrong. But like CDfox said I am also looking ahead to removing their power to impact my life or my child's. When my son woke up he was so excited to start "homeschool" and asked to do "art" first. He just completed "an ultra angry bird launcher".

I think the only part I don't like of attacking the process is that the person most responsible for that process is the school psych who I felt was the only one trying to help. I don't want to send any negative energy her way.

when we withdrew DD5 from her school last year, i wrote the emotional letter and then edited it down until it contained virtually no content that could damage us. even if it was passed around, which was quite likely, i wanted it to reflect our departure in a positive light.

this school had refused to accommodate DD's needs while she was actually their student all year long. now that i was withdrawing her, i realized there was no possible way this letter would teach them anything new. you simply can't teach that which someone doesn't want to learn.

so the final letter was brief, businesslike and positive. i thanked the people who had made good-faith efforts on DD5's behalf, and wished everyone well in the future. it felt good.

HappilyMom,

I've been following your story. It's a painful thing to read about and I know the "wall" some educators can erect when they're being defensive. It's a wonderful thing you've done to take your ds out of that environment.

I agree with HK's and MON's versions. Both of them take the personal out of it and act as a warning to the school itself that they'd better get their act together. For whatever reason, they didn't have accommodations in place in time for your ds, and for whatever reason, they neglected to train and educate their teachers on how to deal with the dx and accommodations.

I understand your outrage. That teacher's mocking attitude is an absolute disgrace. But the school is only going to be moved by how it can affect them legally in the future. In your letter, pretend to be advocating for a child who is not your own. How would you proceed?

It's wonderful your ds is having fun with school at home.

your kid is awesome - i hope he loves homeschool as much as my bean does!

Okay here is my letter very much taken from HK and MON's suggestions. Am I good here or would you make additional edits? I really am grateful for everyone's feedback here. It is so helpful for me.


This is to inform you that as of September 16, 2013, our child, DS will be withdrawing from attendance at Elementary.

We really appreciate your efforts on behalf of my DS, educating your staff on his needs related to his disabilities. Despite everyone's best efforts, in the absence of a working IEP in the classroom, DS' lack of accommodations for disabilities has resulted in an unacceptable situation where DS is unable to access the curriculum without significant harm.

Unfortunately, we cannot allow our DS to continue in Ms. x classroom since without accommodations for his disabilities it is a hostile learning environment. We look forward to working with you again in the future, and again, thank you for all your efforts on DS' behalf.

I would take out the "hostile learning environment" sentence. They know Ms. X is a problem; you do not have to tell them. Principals hate it when you try to manage their staff for them; this sentence wins you no friends, and the one before it did the work that needed to be done.

I like some of geofizz's language too.

DeeDee

I agree with DeeDee's suggestion. I'd also eliminate the phrase, "Despite everyone's best efforts," because frankly, they can and must do better. This is an unnecessary platitude that does not correspond with your true feelings, nor the spirit and content of the letter.

DeeDee... good points. Took out hostile language and added Geofizz's last sentence...

Dude... yes. the efforts were minimal to absolutely none. this now rings more true here.

Feeling happier with it. Any more feedback?

-------------------------------
This is to inform you that as of September 16, 2013, our child, DS will be withdrawing from attendance at Elementary.

We really appreciate your efforts on behalf of my DS, educating your staff on his needs related to his disabilities. In the absence of a working IEP in the classroom, DS' lack of accommodations for disabilities has resulted in an unacceptable situation where DS is unable to access the curriculum without significant harm.

Unfortunately, we cannot allow our DS to continue in Ms. x classroom without accommodations for his disabilities. We look forward towards continuing to work together to develop DS' IEP to allow him to learn in a classroom environment accommodated for his learning and physical needs.

I have followed your struggles with your school system and feel for you. I myself went through a bad advocacy sitaution for my DS last year.
When I did end up pulling my son out of PS this year, a few of the friends IRL who had waged advocacy wars against the local school system told me that if there is reasonable proof that a teacher was harming your child in some way, it is within your rights to ask for a transfer to another classroom. Just retain a lawyer with a history of taking on the school district and send a notice to the principal that you might take legal action if things were not fixed. Same is the case for an IEP not being followed or your child's disablities (which were confirmed by a medical professional) were not being accomodated.
Since you have reached a point where advocacy is not working to your satisfaction, and if you really think that another teacher might make things better for your child and an IEP being followed would help, you may want to consider this option before you withdarw your child from school. Ofcourse if you are committed to homeschooling for the long term, then this principal and teachers are not going to be part of your life for a long time - in that case, go ahead and send in your lettter. Good luck.

ETA: Don't worry about hurting the feelings of the people at school etc. They are doing a sloppy job for you - it is your child who is being hurt. My friend who sent legal notice to the school is a local hero because he stood up for his DD against a really uncooperative school administration. The school is very compliant with all her needs now because they don't want to spend $$$ on lawsuits in this age of drastic budget cuts.

Thanks for your feedback Ashley. There are more issues than the teacher... she's really just the most egregious example. Even with IEP there are several more issues with acceleration and being able to get his cognitive needs met.

One factor here is that we have been told since our son was tested on WPPSI/WIAT at 4yrs that he would never fit in a traditional school environment and we should strongly consider homeschooling. We did not want to hear or believe that...

Unfortunately in the 2.5yrs since that statement, we have had this message confirmed over and over by both professionals who are gifted experts and school personnel at public and private. I think the severity of the current situation has only brought home that we must consider that the evaluation that school would never "fit" is much more likely than the supposition that any amount of our efforts is going to move us to an appropriate environment for our child.

My husband and I are not the burning bridges types. I want to keep all doors open to future options as my child and those options shift over time. I was once told that for a child like mine you have to re-evaluate fit every 6 months. I know where we are today but don't presume to have the future figured out. It's tough navigating it all.

HappilyMom - I would still tweak the letter just a bit - first, I'd double-check on your school district's policy re who you go through for IEP eligibility process and 504 set-up for homeschool children - it might be your neighborhood school, but it also might be a different district contact. Who that contact is makes a difference in how you word the last paragraph in your letter.

I would take out the phrase "without serious harm" in the last sentence, 2nd paragraph. It's subjective and can be interpreted differently by different people, as well as something that most likely won't accomplish anything specific toward your long-term goals. Yes, you don't want your child harmed in anyway and yes, the classroom situation he was in was harmful - but you don't need to reiterate that here, just keep it simple. Later on, when and if you need to show that, discuss it and show the specific examples to back it up.

This is also a really nit-picky technical detail re the wording, but IEPs are meant for students who need individual instruction, and accommodations are for students who have a disability that prevents FAPE. Some students need both - so I moved the words around just a tiny bit to say the same thing you'd stated but in a slightly different way to be clear that you aren't mistaking an IEP for a 504, if that makes sense!


The other thing I'd do is send a separate thank-you email to the school psych letting her know you're withdrawing ds to homeschool but that you appreciate her efforts on his behalf while he was enrolled.

polarbear

Out of principle, I'd remove "really appreciate" and say "acknowledge" or similar.

I also forgot to mention how we handled this when we withdrew our ds. As I've mentioned in the past, we were also in an unworkable school situation, at the point at which legal action was recommended to us but we use weren't up for that battle and wanted to pull ds and focus my time/energy on supporting him instead of fighting a battle. So I was *very* battle weary and not at all happy with his school. We'd battled through the stage where ds had an IEP but he wasn't getting the help outlined in the IEP and he was also bored to tears with the level of challenge and classroom discussion in the areas of academics that weren't a 2e issue. Combining that with the 3 years I'd already invested in attempting to work with the school that had been beyond frustrating, I had a lot I would have *loved* to say to the school. I didn't think I could write a letter as briefly and succinctly and without emotion as you have, so I chose not to write anything at all. I also said nothing to anyone at the time, we simply took ds out of school and switched him to a private school.

I "wrote" my letter in my head several times over that next year listing out the reasons we pulled ds from school and listing all the things that went right at our next school. I still occasionally rewrite the letter in my head anytime I drive past his old school lol. But I am glad (for me) that I never sent it, because I know for sure there is nothing in writing anywhere that could have accidentally burned a bridge. I also know my ds has no intentions of ever returning to the school and my dds have now also moved on and will most likely never return there. I do suspect that at least some of my kids will return to public school elsewhere in our district at some point in time, and I have seen over the years that teachers (here) move frequently, and that teacher that ds had way back when he was first diagnosed who felt so antagonistic to us - she's gone on to become a principal, and principals move around even more than most classroom teachers. So - there's a good chance that someday, somewhere, at some school, one of my kids may be taught by someone who knew us way back "when".

The other thing is that there was something missing in that letter that I didn't write that was really what it was all about - my ds' voice. He was too young to write the letter himself at the time and too challenged re expressive language to have told a teacher how he really felt about everything. I could have told the school those things for him in my letter, but the bottom line is schools see what parents say as coming from the parent, not the student. Now that a few years have passed and ds is able to express himself, we sat down together this summer and talked through what those years in the classroom were like for him, and we are putting together a small record of it that, combined with my recollections, I am considering sharing with the school district's gifted department to help advocate for the 2e kids who might be in early elementary now. I don't think anything I could have said back then at his old school would have changed anything fundamental in the way the school approached student situations like ds'. But *now* I think that ds and I have the hindsight and calm that comes with working through a situation to be able to take what was negative energy and use it (hopefully) in a small, positive way.

One other thing - after ds' first year at his new school, we ran into the teacher he had during his last two years at the school we left. She'd been there through all the IEP eligibility process etc and was the teacher who wasn't helping, even though I do believe that at heart she's a good person who wanted to help. DS, however, saw her as a teacher who simply didn't care and he'd become very angry at her by the time we withdrew him from the school. She ran into ds and my dh first, and talked to them for awhile, then I saw her (without ds) later on at the same event. When I saw her, she told me how different ds appeared - how he looked so *happy*. And he is (was) happy - and that wasn't something she'd ever seen in her classroom situation. I replied that he liked his new school, that the school had given him the opportunity to work with the accommodations and writing instruction he needed while at the same time allowing him to subject accelerate and encouraged him to be intellectually challenged, and that combination really worked for him.

That was all I said. It's the truth. Did it change anything when she teaches, or at his previous school? I don't know about the teacher, I suspect she'd retained enough memories of those 2 years of his schooling to realize that what I was saying was - y'all didn't provide the few simple easy things he needed, we found someone that did, and it worked. I'm sure it didn't change anything at the school. But I had a chance to say it, at a time when I'd moved past the emotion.

We've recently had a chance to say it again - to the infamous early elementary teacher, when ds and dh ran into her at a different event. So she knows now - in a small way - that ds wasn't just a lazy dumb kid with ADHD (that was her take on him) - and that dh and I weren't just whiny helicopter parents. It's given me more satisfaction for her to have seen ds now than it ever would have given me to have written a letter before. But that's just me.

I suspect that it's going to be such a relief to you to homeschool and be far removed from the previous school environment. Enjoy being with your ds! Those early elementary years fly by so quickly - have fun with them

Best wishes,

polarbear

I too would leave out the really appreciate (even though I included it in my reply lol!). I think I might say "thank you". Acknowledge is a bit dry and might come across as being dismissive. "Thank you" is more polite, without the false praise of "really appreciate".

pb

I have been following your story too. And like the letter MoN suggested. We have been dealing with our share of disability related issues (severe allergies) and 4 weeks into the school year, I am still not happy. I had to do a lot of pushing and pulling the first two weeks to get to a point where I felt that it was somewhat safe to send DS5 to Kindergartener. He doesn't have a 504 but IEP due to some other issues. So his allergy accommodations have been written in his IEP. Our state does not require schools to provide any gifted accommodations so we're not even touching that subject ... unfortunately . My approach since the beginning has been to "get a lot - give a little". But I still feel that homeschooling will be the right choice for us.

Anyways ... I agree with pretty much all the suggestions that have been mentioned here already. I hope your son is happy homeschooled. I know my little guy misses a lot of what we've been doing before the school started because now there's just no time left.

Thank you. Yes good changes on all counts. I will also send a separate email to school psych.

So I have seen nothing locally RE IEP/504 for a homeschool student. Would it work to ask to please send the contact person we should consult for pursuing that?

Ok.. I guess I had not looked. District site does not appear to have a different contact person and site states:

All children who reside in District (including private school students) are entitled to evaluation and special education services if found eligible.

In my state, HS is private school.

So my third paragraph reads:

In accordance with xxx district policy that private school students are entitled to evaluation and special education services if found eligible, we look forward to continuing to work together to develop his IEP to allow him to learn in a classroom environment accommodated for his learning and physical needs. If the contact person for this process has changed due to his withdrawal, please let us know so that we may contact that person.

(I plan to copy the school psych who is the contact at the school.)

My thought is getting OT/handwriting and assistive technology training for him through the school would be great in addition to perhaps adaptive PE?? I need to learn more about what CAN happen... perhaps even counseling/social learning options?

Final input?? Then I will send.

HappilyMom, I just realized that you're in my state, so I know just how it feels to deal with our schools. I already asked about what we get if we homeschool (in the future) and while the special ed director insists DS5 needs to stay in school, she did say he would qualify for some services under his current IEP. But I'm pretty sure they try to give as little as possible, certainly not as much as if he was enrolled full time in the public school. Do some digging on the district website and see if you can find a document that would show all the Special education information for the past year (it's pretty much all about spending ... how much they paid for what and where the money came from). In our district the document showed how much time / money went towards services for private schools and homeschoolers. I found some spending that went to the local private catholic school and some more services for other private schools in the area, but did not find any spending on homeschoolers last year. We might be the first if we pull DS5 out this year. And DS3.5 will most certainly qualify for A LOT if we choose to go that route with him in the future. We are sure the younger one will be homeschooled at least through elementary.
So, going by my experience, I would think the best person to contact would be your district Special Education Director.

Yes. I think that will be true that I will need to contact the Sp. Ed Director... and maybe sometime we can manage a playdate. And I need to remove my district.

HappilyMom, I would find out first what the policy is - I think you can find out quickly by calling the district SPED director (but I'm not in your state so my advice may be really off! - I know that info is easily attainable in my school district). If you found out that you go through your current school then leave it in, if you find out that your current school isn't part of the process, I'd leave the entire reference out simply to keep the letter brief.

polarbear

ps - if you *can't* find out quickly, your paragraph above is fine!

When you do go through the eligibility process for the IEP, you'll want to ask for everything that you feel your ds needs. You might not get it - our school district does not provide the same level of services to non-public-school students that it is able to provide the kids who are enrolled in public school - but even if you can't get a service you feel your child needs provided through the schools, if he's found eligible for that service, you have a record in the school district of his being found eligible for that service based on need that you can use as part of his history if/when he returns to public school.

polarbear

yes ... I'd remove it . I wasn't trying to be nosey, just so you know. But I knew it rang a bell with me. But I'm glad you put it in since we can both relate and help each other fight our fights!

I have had numerous correspondence and personal contact with our Special Ed director over the last 2 years (DS5 first started with external speech services back when he was 3). She knows I know a lot and doesn't give me too much runaround. I just go directly to the point. Always politely, always thanking them for what they have done or tried to do and then I push for whatever I need. She has made a lot of promises right from the start and I hold her to them!

HappilyMom, here's wishing you a wonderful start to your homeschooling journey. You've had a lot of mud slung at your DS, and (FWIW) I think you're handling the situation with aplomb.

Angry Birds is a great start to homeschooling day #1. May I propose day #2's theme be effigies?

HappilyMom, I forgot to mention, DS5 when he comes home from K (it's just an afternoon class), all he wants to do is build these huge Angry Birds towers from lego blocks. When he runs out of legos, he starts adding other blocks and objects. It's all about Angry Birds. Right now he's obsessed with counting down to the Angry Birds Star Wars 2 release! lol (or whatever it is that should be out this week)

Yes! Angry Birds Star Wars 2 release is a major focus with that countdown.

Aquinas-- Hmmm? He would love to learn about effigies! Is that Social Studies or History?? He watched about 20 different Brain Pops after that..... Only pausing when I told him he wasn't old enough to listen to the one on menstruation!! He said "I just want to learn about everything I can, Mom!". I told him let's wait a few years for that one.

Polar-- I left it in. Just couldn't get the phone call in with DS here. We need to go out and get some more exercise and I just needed to send those emails. I may follow up with a typed letter to confirm receipt and do all the formal "homeschool withdrawal" things the local groups recommend doing. Just wanted to send notice today and start the next phase.

I have an update. Got lovely emails back from the Principal and Psychologist. No response from teacher. The Psychologist's was very, very kind and gracious. She seemed genuinely sad that she had not been able to help. Both provided the contact for the district evals for private and parochial schools. Principal said she had spoken to her and that she was expecting my call. I expect I will call and begin the process again tomorrow.

I had a lovely conversation with my MIL who is a current public school teacher but who also homeschooled 2 of her 4 children at various points when that was warranted. She suspects I will "never regret making this change" for my son. Both my younger sister (no children yet) and my younger brother's wife are very committed to homeschooling in addition to a few local and many non-local friends. So here we go...

Sounds like things are going in the right direction!

Yes. And teacher chimed in with her last little bit now:

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! I had worked for about 3 hours over the weekend getting things ready to address some of the issues you brought up. I was looking forward to trying some strategies to help make things better ...

So snide and so untrue but likely said to cover the truth that she had no intention of accommodating his disabilities but realizes now she could be in trouble for her previous actions. Glad to be done with her and her toxicity.

We had a teacher like this too--she would say the right thing when she was caught out, but everything she did was totally toxic (to use your most excellent characterization). I hope everything goes well for you and your son!