Posting this to encourage other parents that junior high is tough and things will get better.

The social skills of my 16th year old son who is H.S. junior have improved so dramatically from when he was in junior high it's like he is another child. I keep wondering if I'm dreaming. When DS was in junior high I was very worried he'd end up one of those loner, gifted kids who wants nothing to do with H.S. because it's boring and stupid. Math & Band were the two classes that got him through junior high. When DS was in 5-7th grades he was quick to explode, couldn't talk with adults he didn't know very well and looked like an emo H.S. kid who stared at the ground most of the time. Sixth grade was the worst, for a few months he would only wear one outfit, was having anxiety attacks in class, and burned his bridges with his peers. I had many people who whispered to me wondering if he was ASD. His junior high counselor was really worried about him. She retired and I don't know how to reach her, I really wish she could see him now. It was not easy and my heart really broke at times for him.

Now to be honest DS still isn't the most social kid on the block. He's introverted and will probably always need some alone quiet time. And I'm sure we will have more teenage angst on the way particularly next year when applying to college. But he's at that teenage stage where he is telling me to go away and that he will take care of it himself!! HE is involved in Band, and a Robotics Club and just joined a new activity for the spring on his own. He has friends he meets outside of school. He can drive and insists on doing his own shopping for clothes. He already has next summer completely booked. He talks to other adults, he is polite, and he advocates for himself at school. His teachers who had him as a freshman have noticed a huge difference.

I am quick to dismiss this change as just maturity. But looking back at what I did, I didn't just ignore his problems in junior high. I put him in a social skills class in 6th grade. The class didn't seem to change much at the time but in retrospect I think many of those lessons just took a while to germinate. I got him professional help in 6th grade & again in H.S. He still see a psychologist once a month. I had his back and believed in him. I did back off and stopped pushing him into clubs & social activities in junior high. Basically I listened to him and didn't push him to be social when he wasn't ready. But I did push Marching Band on him for H.S. and it's been a huge success. I found him a overnight wilderness summer camp that he adores. Last year he went a month and took CIT training. I have cut his academic classes down to lower his stress, and allows him to do his activities, homework and still have some free time.

Just trying to say to all the junior high parents on this board who have kids are struggling with social skills. Keep at it, I know it's hard to watch your kid struggle socially and it never seems to get better fast enough. Keep at it things really can get better.

Thanks for the note. As a parent of a 7th grader going through a lot of anxiety and EF issues, this is helpful to hear. We've heard similar things from other parents and psychiatrists, but it seems hard to believe that he'll mature that much in the next 3-4 years. Happy to hear that it is possible. At this point, we are thrilled if he gets through the day with minimal arguing and no outbursts.

Yes thank you so much!

My 7th grader is also struggling, even though school is going better than it has in a while. We're focusing on self-care right now: making sure she eats and sleeps and stays upbeat (DD is very aware of global and social issues and there's not a lot of good new out there right now). I also remember that 7th grade was really rough for me as well: it was the first time I got terrible grades and really struggled.

Thanks for sharing.

Hey Bluemagic,

My DS is still in second grade, so we are far (enough) from these turbulent years. But that doesn't stop me from having a perpetual knot in my chest, worrying about my little guy's future. Your post loosened that knot a little. Of course when the knot loosened, a few tears leaked out. But for once they were happy!

So happy for your "little" one and hopeful for mine. Thank you!!

Sue

blue, that is great! You and your son are both seeing the fruit of all those years of labor. Maturity does make a difference, but you provided the tools, so that when he was ready to use them, they were available.

Aaaaw,that is so great. As one of the parents of those struggling middle schoolers , it is heartening to read success stories. Good job, bluemagic!!!

Bluemagic, in high school, as I recall some other interventions have been at play in high school. Can you elaborate? Did you proceed with CBT or medication? We continue to use and explore interventions. Unfortunately, I did not spot the issues in middle school, and chalked them up to immaturity (because, well, pre-teen). But others have emerged, or maybe they are just the same issues expanded/increased.

I remember coming into my own self towards the latter part of high school, after several turbulent years. What helped immensely is that other people (nemeses included) really backed off and went their own ways. I really could just be myself a lot more freely than before.

It's great to hear that your kid is experiencing that, too!

We didn't go with medication. I was going to last spring but never got the appointment with the psychiatrist and things are much better. So I've decided against it.

DS has a 504, gets extra time on tests if he needs them & SAT/College Board. Extra accommodations for writing assignments which is the class he gets the worst grades & he gets the most accommodations. It's frustrating he CAN write well & reads well above grade level but he gets mental blocks and honestly just doesn't get literary analysis. (Never been good at bullshitting.) More & more as the year has gone by he wants me OFF his back. Although since his English grade is still sort-of iffy, I reserve the right to nag him. One thing is we backed way off and he isn't taking the crazy way to busy load. Only two AP classes this year. Some would say that's still hard but for a 2E kid like him, he would be bored without them.

And he is a busy young man & he manages to get himself to school on time, keep up with most of his school work. (Except English) He will have had his drivers license a whole year this Sat. I'd like to see him go out with friends & be more social when it's not part of a club or school activity.

And what thrills me is that he is polite these days. Offers to help me with things, and frequently thanks me. Not sure what promoted all this. But it's lovely and a sure improvement on the grumbly, whinny kid he was in junior high.

Thank you, that is so encouraging. With middle school looming in fall and arguing and outbursts seemingly only getting worse, I am trying to look ahead. For myself, I do remember things only getting better from 15 years old an on, and DH had a similar experience.

Thanks, Bluemagic and all. We did not find that backing off made any difference at all in school achievement, the missed work and unanswered emails from his teachers to him only snowballed until they contacted me. So this year we are looking for accommodations. What kinds of accommodations are in place for English, which is also DS' problem area (well, anything involving writing, including labs. Wow, that was a lot of -ing endings in a row)

Thank you so much. We are in the thick of middle school and gtrrrrrgghhhh. I have to admit to cringing when I watch DD interact with teachers and other adults because she is awkward, shy, and just weird, but I also noticed many other kids are the same (though a percentage are poised and articulate, which always makes me worry). However, she does continue to excel in most of the time with occasional WTF moments. Band is really motivating her, too, and I'm sending her to a CIT camp this summer. She is actually incredible with younger kids as long as it's not her brother.

I also remember that I was a total disaster in 6th grade and did not "improve" till 9th!