DS7 attends a small school and in the class ahead of him is a boy with autism.

Long story short - DS likes this kid and wants to learn more about autism. I think the school has had some discussions about it but not a lot.

I think part of his desire is just plain intellectual curiosity but he also said that if he understands it he can help the other kids know what's going on when his friend does something they might think is weird. I followed up on what might be considered weird and he's worried about when his friend won't talk, or does random noises and hand motions and "makes kids mad" - which he couldn't give an example for.

I get the intellectual curiosity part. He's dyslexic and is interested in learning about another type of not "typical".

Thoughts on the being an advocate part? It's a nice thought but what if his friend doesn't want that or what if my son spreads information that may not be accurate for this kid? What information do I give him?

I'm just curious what the group members' thoughts are on this?

DS has very strong feelings about people feeling included and is bothered that kids might hold things against his friend that he can't help.

I don't know this friend or his parents at all.
DS is inviting him to his birthday party so hopefully I'll meet them then.

That's already a tremendous act of advocacy. You wouldn't believe how many kids with autism never get to go to birthday parties or other social events. Once it's the kids and not the parents making the guest list, our kids tend to fall off the list.

Being an understanding friend is a wonderful trait. Kudos to your DS.

From the kids animated show Arthur, youtube has the full version of. When Carl met George. I had my NT son watch it at 7 in order to help him understand his younger brothers Autism. Also, there is a book called All my Stripes that can usually be found in the library.

My son is 7 and a Aspie. He has been self advocating to the best of his abilities for about a year. He can tell friends what TV and Video games cause a sensory overload for him. As well as other little quirks. This child may be able to do the same and your child may be able to help him work through issues if they hang out and spend time with each other. Things like turning off a video game or show if it is bothering the child, ignoring quirky movements and hands over ears if it happens. Etc.. Maybe encourage the child with Autism to speak up and tell someone if something is bothering them while they are hanging out. Not make a big deal over any anxious behaviour,movements, or sensory overload. These kinds of things really make a difference when my Aspie in social settings.

I will echo DeeDee in saying that just the fact that you are inviting him to the party is already a step forward. It also gives you a natural way to contact his mother to start a dialog like the one that Portia suggests. You could email her and tell her that your DS has told you that her son has autism, and you just want to know if there is anything you can do to help him have a good time at the party. Is he on a special diet? Might he need a space to retreat into? Would it help to tell him what the schedule of events at the party is going to be so he knows what to expect? You want him to have a good time and you recognize that you might need to provide something different from what you normally would to make that happen.

There are a lot of books out there with autistic protagonists that it might be good for your son to read, but be sure to caution him that just because the kid in the book has a particular trait, that doesn't mean that his friend will have the same one. Autism is something that manifests very differently in different people.

You've received excellent advice already - I'l second everything spaghetti said as a start, as well as seconding Portia's advice to ask the mom.

The reason I'd ask the mom - my dyslexic dd had a child in her class when she was new to her school find out she was dyslexic, get curious about it, got some info from his dad, and then tried to "help" her by wanting to be her reading buddy. That was *not* something my dd wanted to have happen at all. Totally different situation than your ds, but I think it illustrates a truth that works with most all friendships and relationships in life - just be a friend. When we want to help in some way and don't know what to do, the best thing to do is to get to know the person we want to help and in getting to know them we'll learn what it is that will help.

You can also remind your ds that he will be (hopefully) influencing the other children on the playground just by choosing to be a friend to this boy. He doesn't have to directly instruct the other kids - just show by example

Best wishes to your ds!

polarbear

That really wasn't what I meant at all - i.e., checking with mom to see if they could be friends. What I meant was checking with mom to see how her child would possibly feel about having another student try to actively help other kids be the childs' friend. Basically find out how sensitive the student would be about that type of "help". As a parent, I wouldn't even tell my child I was checking in with the other mom, it's just information that might be helpful to *me* to help guide my child if he was suggesting he could help show the other kids how to be friends with the child. (That was part of what I read into the OP's question - please forgive me if I'm remembering it incorrectly).


On the other hand, kids with disabilities already may be getting lots of "you're different" messages from the world. Which is the way my dd interpreted the friend who wanted to "help" her - that she was different and seen as *needing* to be helped. She just wanted people to see her as strong and not needing special help, and she was struggling 24 hours a day already knowing she needed help. So a reasonable non-LD adult person might think - so... why not just say thank you, I don't need help, and move on... but a kid who's living with the LD is going to potentially process it in a very different way. And no, it absolutely doesn't mean anything "bad" about the other person! It's just a point about being sensitive to how another person might feel about being "helped".

polarbear

There is a program at our school called Circle of Friends. They pair kids without disabilities with kids who do have disabilities so that the kids with disabilities have someone to have lunch with, to help them make friends, etc. They say it benefits both kids. That may very well be true; it sounds like it could be a very nice idea. On the other hand, if kids are truly interested in being friends with a child with a disability, why not just approach them and try to become friends? It may be very difficult for some kids to be able to make friends spontaneously, and I can see why giving other kids a chance to get to know them may be valuable. At the same time, there is just something that bothers me. I had a severe disability as a child and was ostracized by other children. I would have appreciated someone trying to be kind, but I just don't know that I would have liked feeling like I only had a friend because one was assigned to me. I think teachers can have an important role in promoting inclusion and acceptance.

In this particular case, if your child truly wants to be friends because he likes this child, then I think the best approach is just to try to get to know him and to ask him what he likes. If he isn't able to explain, then going to a parent may be helpful. I think the first step should be to try to talk with the child, though.

I think standing up for another child, NT or not, is a valuable part of being a friend. Including a friend and introducing that friend to others is also valuable. However, specifically setting out to advocate and to educate is a little different. It changes the dynamic of a friendship. I think the most valuable thing is to be a friend, but not to go beyond that unless it is clear that the individual with the disability really wants that. Otherwise, it could damage the friendship and create an inequality.

This is just my opinion; I think it always comes down to the individuals and what they are comfortable with. I have been the child who was misunderstood and ostracized, bullied even by the teachers, and that may give me a somewhat different perspective from others.

This is exactly what happened with DD and a classmate last year. She went from being uncomfortable around him to being fearful and then becoming a good friend. I was concerned a bit as there were some rough patches but at the end, it all worked out.

There was a very touching story on the Today show website recently, about an autistic child getting his first birthday party invitation and what the birthday child and his family did to make it work and make it special. Here:
http://www.today.com/parents/boy-7-...-party-thanks-gracious-invitation-t29481

Thank you all for these ideas and suggestions. I learned a little more today.

His friend is 13 yo. He really doesn't talk except to say yes or no occasionally. He plays a game where he crashes two random toys or objects together and makes them kind of fight over and over again. DS thinks this is fun too so they do this a lot. They also play computer games together.

They are in before and after school care together and DS sometimes is in his class for certain subjects. DS says everyone is pretty nice to him except for a few misunderstandings that led to melt downs.

I'm just going to see how it goes. I didn't realize he was so much older. I thought he was maybe ten. He might just be tolerating my super social seven year old and not really see him as a peer. DS seems comfortable with the situation now after talking some more.

A funny side note - the teacher misread my note on the party invites and invited the whole elementary school (luckily only about 35 students). Our guests range in age from 5-14.