gone

hi moomin! i have an odd question - you mention that age-peer group play is scary for your daughter. does she do well playing in groups where the kids are older?

i wonder about this because we worried a lot about our girl (5) re: social anxiety (her dad is a classic case, so we've had an eye on the issue.) a lot of observation and some work with a psychologist revealed an interesting, if unfortunate, dynamic at school.

as it turns out, age-peer group play is a particular problem for her because no matter what game they're playing, she either adds on more complex rules or layers in a storyline. tag is never just tag - it's a contagious virus sweeping the world and she's a virologist who can un-tag the current carrier and steal being "it". she's only trying to make it more interesting for everyone, but in the process, she often loses the other kids and winds up alone. based on this pattern, she has concluded that they all hate her. (they don't - i get about 6 playdate requests a day for her and her teachers say she's the most popular girl in the class - it's quite a paradox!)

so... what looked like a serious fear of group situations turned out to be somewhat true, but it wasn't quite the whole story. there was something very specific that was causing the trouble, and as soon as we knew what it was, it was a bit easier to tackle.

i do think it's amazing that your daughter integrated the neuropsych's advice about the restroom so quickly - that's a VERY good sign. with social anxiety (again, with the husband!), it's so hard to break out of old patterns and try a new strategy. your daughter may even have some ideas on how she could improve her situation - she sounds like such a great kid.

ps - i LOVE the idea of going out the window - it feels like the beginning of a great adventure novel.

Ooh it does...
Moomin, have you checked to make sure she doesn't have a new strange glowing artifact hidden under her bed? An intricate tattoo on the palm of her hand she claims to have drawn herself? Or perhaps any strange animals knocking on the front door?

I suspect that it is boredom and not anxiety that is causing your dd to be disruptive. She is probably yearning for creative, out of the window (oops, I mean box) kind of thinking. I was somewhat like her at school. Twice I came close to being expelled. Once for trying to dig up the school plumbing pipes and once for making my friends cover their faces in mud(I told them it had medicinal properties that would make them beautiful). I was less than 7yo and bored to death and did not realize how bad my actions were or how they would affect others. Maybe sitting down with your dd and role-playing would help figure out what is causing her to do this.

oh, that's so tricky, and so sad. but... i wonder if this might be a small clue that it might not be (generalized) social anxiety, but rather anxiety about specific social situations? it's clearly super-debilitating for her to feel so isolated, but also kind of understandable given her bad experiences with the other kids.

i know it's free-play time that's the problem, but maybe the teacher could try implementing recess friendship pairs for a short period of time as an experiment? if it was done thoughtfully, it might expose her to kids she would mesh better with, and it might give her more of a sense of belonging? if it wasn't a total disaster, the teacher could gradually try adding a third/fourth/etc person to form slightly larger groups? they could even use these groups to examine math concepts if they were really thinking about it (ha - although that kind of thinking is what gets me in so much trouble at our school!)

OK, this isn't directly related to your question - but - I'm just curious - was anything said by school staff about addressing the issue that your dd was able to go to the bathroom alone and able to access a window that she could climb out of? What would they have done if she'd managed to leave the courtyard? That just worries me a little bit. Our kids were never allowed to go the bathroom alone in K-1. They could go anytime they needed to, but they had to grab a buddy to go with them.

And the window.... seems like it should be locked or have a screen over it or something. I am not an alarmist, but I can totally see a bunch of impish little early elementary tikes thinking it would be fun to go through the window!

polarbear