I am in desperate need of advice. This will be long. Thanks in advance for reading.

Last year (kindergarten) was a rough year for DS. He was in public school and basically knew everyything that was taught or he picked it up quickly and wasn't into reviews. He is not a strong reader, but was considered on level. I put him in private tutoring which he loved. He is very much into science and math. The science was limited in school, and he breezed through the math. There was basically no differentiation, and the teacher was very defensive when I asked.

This how our kindergarten year ended (this is the letter that I sent to the superintendent at the end of the year):

Dear Superintendent,

I would like to share my experience with you as a parent of a kindergartener during the 2014-15 school year at M--- Elementary School. My husband, C----, and I have since decided to place our son in private school this fall. However, I have a professional background in education research and a personal interest in the success of my zoned school, and in the hope of improving of the school, I want to share our experience.

My son was placed in Mrs. M's kindergarten class, and I volunteered in the classroom approximately once a week until I received a letter from the principal (in December 2014) stating that volunteers were being suspended in our particular classroom. I volunteered during the reading period when students rotated to stations. During my classroom visits, the teacher often had trouble with behavior management because of at least two students. These two students consistently disrupted the school and classroom environment. This continued to happen throughout the entire school year.

In regards to my son, thankfully, he continued to perform well academically. He consistently met or exceeded the standards that were set with one exception. During a round of DIBELS testing, my son did not meet the goal of 34 on "Phoneme Segmentation.” He scored 17. When I contacted Mrs. M to ask for resources to work with DS at home, she told me that the goal was raised "across the board," many students did not meet the standards, and I shouldn't worry about it. I did not find this response helpful nor professional.

While performing well academically, DS's behavior was negatively affected by the chaotic classroom environment. In the beginning of the school year, he received mostly "green" with an occasional "yellow" for behavior. By February, it was mostly yellows with an occasional orange. This continued until my husband requested a meeting with the principal, Dr. D. She emailed that testing was starting, and she would get back to him with a date.

Approximately two more weeks passed. During this time, we received a behavior ticket from the PE teachers and telephone calls from the teacher and assistant principal, Ms. L. We emailed Dr. D, Ms. L, Mrs. B (the counselor) and Mrs. M requesting a meeting to discuss the situation. We cc'd you on the email and Dr. D scheduled a meeting that Friday.

My husband attended the meeting, and it was decided that Mrs. B would handle any further behavior issues involving DS. She was to be our point of contact and communication was to come through her. I was grateful as I had had a productive meeting with Mrs. B earlier this year to discuss how I hoped my son would be more challenged when he was in first grade. I appreciate that she seemed to have a true understanding of his personality and abilities.

After that meeting, the feedback about our son's behavior increased to almost daily. Over the next couple of weeks, I received texts (and photos) and behavior logs from Mrs. M and at least one phone call from Ms. L. One day, I received a phone call from Mrs. B who was unaware of the incidents that were told to me by the Mrs. M and Mrs. L that day. I am not sure why Mrs. M never followed the plan that was put in place at the meeting.

Finally, at the beginning of May, I received a telephone call from Dr. D. I asked for her professional opinion about how I should handle the situation. She told me that since kindergarten is not mandatory and my son wasn't gaining anything academically anyway, that I should withdraw him if I could afford it. So that is what I did immediately.

M Elementary School is the only place where we have had any negative reports of DS' behavior. Currently, he participates in the gifted program at the University, classes at the City Museum of Art and horseback riding lessons.

We are unsure of all the aspects that contributed to the unproductive and chaotic environment in that particular kindergarten class, but we are hopeful that by sharing our experience, you will be able to use this information to better the school.

If you need any more information, my husband and I would be willing to speak with you.

Sincerely,
J

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So this year, we decided to place him in a private Christian school with a much more challenging curriculum. I recognize that it is much more regimented than the public school. Last week, on day 2, the teacher asked to meet with me about DS' behavior. He got upset and didn't want to follow directions and then he basically had a melt down--screaming and yelling in class. He was sent to the front office to calm down. Yesterday, there was another incident and basically the same thing happened. He was told to do something and didn't follow directions. His desk was moved, and later when she told his table to get ready for PE, he didn't move. He later told me that he was waiting for her to call his name and not his table. He says he didn't know he was supposed to go with his table.

In the car, I told him that I was taking away his camera as punishment. He started screaming in a way that I have never heard. When we got home, I told him to put on his pajamas and rest in his room.

About an hour later, I fed him dinner and told him we would be having my a practice spelling test since tomorrow (today/Friday) was the test. He got 16 of the 20 words correct. He turned the "b" into a "d" for two words. I told him that he needed to write the ones that he had gotten wrong 3 times. This turned into another screaming fit.

I made an appointment with a counselor after last week's incident. She seems to think he has trouble coping and managing his anger. She says there will be a period of adjusting the new environment and things may get worse before they get better. I made another appointment for Monday after yesterday's incident.

Some of DS' complaints are that he doesn't know what he's supposed to do, the work is hard and he doesn't know the answers, it takes him along time to write his name and others are finishing their work before him.

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Has anyone experienced this? I am almost 6 months pregnant and I am at my wit's end. Any and all advice is appreciated. I don't know if he is in a better environment and I should just wait for the adjustment or just what to do.

I can certainly understand your stress levels about this situation. As an aside, you may want to edit out your son's name (replace it with DS) and also the school/university names... just in the interest of privacy.

Will the counselor be working with your son on coping techniques and on sorting out his feelings more appropriately? If so, that could be very helpful.

This is a very outside view, but as I read your post, I can see some reasons your son might be reacting as he is at the moment. Time may indeed help, if the school can work with him through the adjustment. Last year, he was at the top of the class, and with no effort. But, he also experienced school as a place that led to punishment for his behavior and ultimately, a place he escaped. Now, he is in a new school, it seems he has to work harder but he doesn't know what that means, necessarily. He's not really used to doing so and may even worry that it means something is wrong with him. So he is confused and acts out.

There may be complicating factors, for example, the school may be more strict (although it sounds as though the prior one is as well).

I don't have time for a more detailed response but hopefully will be able to later. My quick answer is - "The Explosive Child", this book saved us. I can't say enough good things about it.

You might want to edit one more time.

I pulled my DS out of PS K and put him in a very rigorous private school. In retrospect, he tells me that he was very anxious and distressed when he went to the new school because he believed that the academic standards were very high there and that he would not be able to compete with the kids there who had been in pre-K and K in that school. They were writing essays, reading literature at the 4th grade level, doing history timelines and computer programming etc etc. But, what helped him was a little time - in 2 months, he figured out that he was actually able to exceed most kids in his class and he also made some good friends during PE and recess. Talk to the teacher and let her know that he is not understanding class rules correctly and that he is not sure what the expectations are (being called by name vs the whole group being called) etc.
I believe that the screaming in the car is just because he is already stressed a lot and the "punishment" on top of it was too much to handle at that time for him. Kids who are 5 or 6 can have a lot of anxiety in a new situation. Arrange for a teacher conference and request the teacher to remind your son gently if he is not following along. I believe that he will be fine in a few weeks. Good luck.

I've found that for my DD10, it's just as much the classroom management philosophy as it is the rigor. She responds very well to positive reinforcement and very poorly to negative. She had terrible experiences with the stoplight method and the erasing the letters of the name method. Public shaming seems to be the norm in elementary education, and it's HORRID for her.

Jai,

I would wonder if there's something more to the frustration and anger than simply frustration and anger. You mentioned in your letter to the school that your ds had scored relatively low on one component of Dibels, and the school didn't follow up with you on that. You also mentioned that your ds has said that this year the work is hard, he doesn't always know the answers, and it takes him a long time to write his name. It's possible those comments are simply coming from a child who was previously in a classroom that required no work and now he's in a classroom with higher-performing peers and higher work expectations... but... the same comments (combined with his Dibels score) *might* indicate he has some type of learning challenge. Kids who have learning challenges don't typically know how to articulate them well when they are in early elementary, and their frustration can sometimes present as behavior challenges in the classroom.

It's also tricky for adults to recognize challenges in early elementary, because the "normal" range of development for reading/writing etc varies so much among different children.

I'd not punish him at home for behaviors that were an issue at school. I'd talk to him about it, explain what's expected and what he should be doing, and also listen to his explanation of what happened. I'd also be sure I fed him at least a small snack right away after school. Only mention that because my gang always comes home from school hungry - and trying to piece together what's going on with a report from school etc will probably be easier if your ds isn't on a blood sugar low. Might not be a problem for him - but it's huge for my kids To be honest, I might even think through when the behaviors are occurring during the school day - is there any correlation to when kids eat (i.e., issues occur before lunch or late in the afternoon).

Best wishes,

polarbear

So, he's 6 years old, and in first grade, and he's being punished for writing b backwards and for not realizing he was supposed to go with his table (thought they would call his name not table?) I think maybe you are coming down a bit too hard on him and that is part of the problem ... I would never punish my kiddos for these types of infractions at any age but certainly not at 6! And both kiddos have had both problems. One is gifted with dysgraphia and still does writes b and d backwards at 10 years old. The other is neurotypical but gifted and has also just recently got b and d confused. Also I think it's so early to have this much pressure about tests, maybe? Maybe just back off a little and not be so hard him - it sounds like he is under a lot unnecessary stress for such a young age.

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate the advice about punishment. It wasn't my intention to "punish" him for switching the letters, but simply to practice. i understand though that I probably made a bad situation worse, and I will try not to do that again.

Yes, the counselor says she will work on coping strategies with him. On Monday, I will definitely ask for a definitive plan and also what I need to do to help. The teacher wants me to keep her informed of what is happening in counseling and I have no problem with that.

In regards to food, I give him a snack in the car as soon as I pick him up. He is usually hungry. I make sure he gets a good breakfast and I pack his lunch because he wasn't eating the server lunch. He gets a morning and an afternoon snack at school. At least two times, he has complained that he missed a snack so I plan to follow up with the teacher when we meet.

As for discipline/behavior charts, this is a problem for him. In kindg, there was a complicated 7 color behavior chart. Everyone started in the middle on green. You could move down three steps (yellow-orange-red) and move up three (blue-purple-pink). He obsessed over this the first few weeks of kindergarten--drawing it over and over and putting them up in his room. Looking back, I wish I had taken this as a sign. He never moved past blue, and to my knowledge only one child ever made it up to pink. At the beginning of the school year, he told me that he understood how to move down but he didn't understand how to move up. I did ask the teacher, and she was very vague "doing good deeds" or something like that. He still talks about the time he moved up to blue and what he did.

I will read the Explosive Child this weekend. Thank you for the recommendation

How would I find out or where would I take him to be tested to find out if he has a learning challenge?

Thank you all so much for your responses. I truly appreciate them. I am so worried about this. I thought I picked a good kindergarten for him, and it was such a bust that I am doubting every decision that I am making.

I don't have time to answer the learning challenge question at the moment - will come back later tonight and answer... but I did just want to reassure you quickly - you didn't pick the wrong kindergarten - he landed with a teacher who had a behavior system that was beyond complicated and would have driven many of us nuts! She also doesn't appear to have been terribly responsive to your concerns. Teacher choice is something that most of us have very little control of, and from all the friends I've had with kids in many different schools over the years, the one thing that's been consistent throughout is that there's at least one teacher at every school that everyone's child is bound to land in the classroom of for one year - that you'll just pull your hair out over or wish your child had never had. It doesn't mean you picked the wrong school or that your child's not going to have a great year next year - it's just that teachers are human, and not all teachers are great teachers. For the most part, we've had *way* more many wonderful teachers than not wonderful, and I'm hoping your ds will too!

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - the other thing about behavior charts (aside from just the entire system itself)... is that I think it's possible for teachers to sort of pigeon-hole a student into a particular "slot" and be watching them for things to keep them there - does that make sense? IE, bias can slip in. I'm not saying that's happened to your ds, just that it's yet another reason I don't particularly like them - if a child has a teacher who is expecting them to be behavior-challenged and subconsciously is looking for behavior issues, therefore keeping them low on the color-system, it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy in some instances, where a child feels like they can't win, and it can erode self-confidence. And did I mention I've just never seen an instance of that type of system actually producing better behavior? Even my kids who have no issues with behavior, didn't obsess about it, and didn't get moved down for behavior.. found that type of system just beyond frustrating.

Awww, I hate when they do crap like this in kindergarten... poor kiddo.

Totally agree.

Says a great deal about the teacher's own personality, doesn't it? We never had good luck with those types of charts, either. Charts for doing specific tasks, yes, those can work. Colors for behavior, nope. In fact, our ODS had one teacher who was kind enough to listen to us describe why they had not worked at home (i.e. this child needs to be motivated from within and sees your charts as a game that he won't win) and stop using them with him. Things got better for him in her class. She just gave him feedback on what she saw from him that day.

I think his current teacher needs to rethink a bit. You said his desk got moved then he got in trouble for not going when his group was called? Was he with his group? He expected her to call him by name - was he actually sitting by himself? And why didn't she just gently remind him to go with his group? He is six and it is not a safety issue.

You might want to edit again.

How is he coping with the pregnancy, sometimes the issue is plain old kids issues with the added complication of giftedness.

There are a lot of changes going on for DS. I'm also in the camp of not punishing - nit for stuff that appears to be either due to settling in or developmental.
I agree that there could be some pigeonholing going on. Maybe there is room for building a relationship with the teacher and offering reminders that you view DS as 6 and expect his behaviour to match his age.

This is a constant struggle with DS6.

DS6 is perfect behavioral-wise at school, most of the behavioral issues are at home.

I read Explosive Child as suggested by many on this board. I changed my own attitude toward DS from him not wanting to behave to him not knowing *how to* behave, and we read social stories that are applicable to our situations.

All these made a huge difference for DS! DS is far from perfect behavioral-wise and this is still a work-in-progress, but this has such a positive impact on him and the family dynamic.

Good luck and you are not alone!

Thank you all for your responses. I am feeling a lot calmer. We had a second meeting with DS' counselor and she suggests it is an adjustment issue combined with a little resistance and a lack of some coping skills. (I hope I hit that right--I don't have a counseling/psychology background). He talks to her a lot more about what is going on than with me. She believes that I should give him (and me!) some time to adjust to the new school environment with all its policies and procedures. I realize I am overly sensitive due to past circumstances and every little flag is coming off as a red flag to me. Plus, DS is whining in the mornings that he doesn't want to go to school. I hate that.

Could someone point me to which resources to locate to find out if DS has a learning issue?

As for my pregnancy, his behavior started changing about 6-8 weeks before we found out and told him, but I have no doubt that this has affected him as I am extremely high risk and was quite sick and hospitalized briefly during the first trimester.

Also, I have edited three times. What else do I need to edit out?

Thank you all.

The place where I substituted ***** still has your son's name.

Ok. Thank you! That is not actually DS' name but I deleted it all the same!

Brief Update: met with the teacher yesterday. She says DS is constantly disrupting the class and she does not know how to respond/handle his behavior. She tried to have a student sit with him and calm him down, and then they sent him to another teacher to calm down. It was the most awkward meeting ever. I asked what was her professional opinion and she says she has never dealt with a child with outbursts before. I asked if she thought he was a good fit for her class and the school and she says she didn't know because of his outbursts but he seemed very intelligent from the conversations she has been able to have with him. I asked if she thinks he is on the first grade level, and she just said that the curriculum they are using is "very advanced."

We will be touring another school next week. In an ideal world, I would happily homeschool at this point but I worry about starting such a big undertaking at 6 months pregnant.

You can ask the public school to evaluate him even though he is enrolled in private, but I'm not sure what the evaluations generally consist of in this case (probably at least academic testing for a learning disability if you have any concerns about that). I do think some sort of eval would be a good idea at this point, even if you have to pay for it privately, to make sure you are not missing a disability.

Sorry things have not been going well. With a pregnancy, especially, that makes it really tough.

I'm not sure if anyone else has said this: it sounds to me like you need a professional evaluation (neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician). If you go the regular psych eval route, you'll likely end up with a very descriptive report that describes things you already know.

You can also request an educational evaluation through the public schools, even though he's enrolled in private, at least in my state.

"Outbursts" of this magnitude are unlikely to be directly related to a poor curricular fit, I think. If he were under or over challenged academically, I think you'd see behaviors, but not to this degree.

I wouldn't put too much stock in the "advanced curriculum" comment. The teacher probably doesn't understand what's going on any better than you do.

edit: Call the public school DS would be enrolled in and ask how to make a request for educational evaluation, they should be able to route you. Also/or: ask pediatrician for referral for neuro/developmental eval--they should be familiar with people who can do these evaluations and how the referral process works.

Public school option is free to you but more difficult to access (and might miss things a medical professional wouldn't).

I'd guess there's something going on, like a learning issue, anxiety, sensory, etc. I'd get an evaluation done as folks have said and go from there. My heart goes out to you--my daughter has outbursts, too, and we're on this same road right now. She's also in school because I had a high needs baby. But she held it together at first, and it seems to be more of an issue in 2nd/3rd. I wish we'd had a more communicative teacher and gotten started on the eval last year. So I would advise go for it. DD's behavior seemed to be less often an issue, so it's more us saying hey let's eval instead of teachers hinting there's something up. But I agree, the pattern of reporting behavior sounds like teachers making up their minds that this is the kid to watch. Very easy for teachers to fall into and so damaging for kids. Behaviorist class management systems can be, too.

If you haven't seen this already, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is really good for this kind of kid. He has another book, Lost at School, that is aimed at teachers and administrators, and is also very good. We have seen a lot of positive growth since we started using his methods.

I just wanted to give you all a quick update (and thank you again for your advice). Because our elementary school has a new principal (the previous principal actually retired and was hired as the director of the private school where we placed DS--much to my chagrin), I called and asked to make an appointment to discuss DS and his situation/needs. The secretary remembered me and scheduled me to come in and talk to the principal 90 minutes (!) later.

I told the principal everything that happened and was happening and she told me to bring DS back and she and the staff would work with me to ensure his success. This is all ever wanted! I re enrolled him the next day, and he is THRIVING! He hasn't had any outbursts or other behavior problems. He says he loves being back at school. The teacher, who is new to the school, but not to teaching is wonderful. Everything is so much better now. He skips into the school and out of it every day. I still plan to have him evaluated, though. Just wanted to let you all know and say thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate them all.

wow that is amazing news!!!

Jai, that's really awesome! I'm really happy for you and your son that you've had such a great turnaround. A good and supportive principal is the best thing a school can having going for it, imo.

I would still follow up with the eval just because you never know how the future will go (what if the principal leaves next year or you end up with a new teacher who isn't so awesome? sometimes having a paper trail is helpful).