DD(4.5) is starting Her last year in Primary (Kindergarden) this fall. Due to this, the whole summer she has been placed in the Kindergarden groups of camps as they go by grade. She is making very close friends and having a great time. My issue is that everyone in her camps (and most in her class this coming year) are 6, not 5 as I would have assumed. Her best friend at camp is 6 and they hold hands and are constantly together. I am worried that the other kids are going to start thinking she is too little/baby simply based on her age AND she is small for her age making her seem really little compared to them. I remember around that age being upset my best friend was 6 months older than me because kids are constantly trying to find out who is the oldest. DD hardly ever is able to find friends her age she clicks with and is sort of particular about even the older kids (need to be bubbly, girly, like princesses, imaginary play, ect).

I'm just worried she will become the kid who is over the top obsessed with a child that thinks DD is too young/little. Seriously, I can't imagine what I would think if a child 2 years younger than DD was her best friend or in her class. I'm not sure what I would think. I just didn't over think this when I agreed to skip her (which I do think is best academically). In our state people hold back a lot though so she is in a class of kids so much older.

What do you think? Has anyone else been through this & how did it go?

My #1 was 5-7 at the beginning of first grade, so same age difference, and likewise small for age. And in a class with some mighty tall kids (some taller than I while still in elementary--although that's not perhaps saying all that much!). (Skipped K, so can't speak specifically to that.) We did not have a lot of difficulty with friends, or even being the class pet, but this is our raging extrovert child, so that might be more of a factor than age difference. 1 has historically, and continues to be, more drawn to kids a year or two older.

Not much experience yet, but we will face similar issues with DS. He is short for his age and will be the youngest...I am mostly worried about bullying/rough play on the playground/during PE by the other boys - who seem sooo much bigger.

What do you think? Has anyone else been through this & how did it go?

Well, yes. I won't lie to you-- my DD apparently lost a best friend over this as recently as... um... well, high school seniors. He's 18, and she... um... never lied about her age, just didn't rub his nose in it. Well, it's COMPLICATED as all get out when they get into adolescence, certainly, even if they can "pass" (as my DD most certainly can). Back when she couldn't, though-- she got treated like a sideshow or a pet or a kid sister. That's the bottom line. But anything BUT that acceleration-- unthinkable.

ONE year eventually becomes less noticeable. More than that pretty much dogs them socially until adulthood. No wonder it can't come soon enough to suit HG+ kids, honestly...

There IS a price to be paid for acceleration, and this is it, as far as I can tell.

But what are your other options, speaking realistically??

There are other options, depending on where you live. If you live in a major metropolitan area with a highly educated population, chances are that you can find a cluster of PG kids at specific schools. My PG daughter attends a private school that has a national reputation and sends about a quarter of the graduating class to Ivy League or similar schools. Although it is not as challenging for her as it could be, she has an amazing peer group (e.g. kids with near perfect scores on the SAT/ACT in middle school). My PG son attends a gifted public school that also offers a great peer group even though the academics are somewhat uneven. Even though acceleration is great for some kids, there are definitely other options.

She is at a private montessori that has a large group (over half) that qualify for CTY each year. The public schools are supposed to be amazing but on touring them the K is doing what she did when she was 3 (really not exaggerating). And their "accelerated" program doesn't start until 2nd grade.

She really is in a good school for her as it is mixed age through 8th grade. We may just keep there. Next year is mixed grades 1-2 but she can't wait because her best friends are going to 1st this year so she will be back with them next.

Thank you for the insight. Any tips, experiences are very welcomed. She needs a growth spurt which maybe she'll still have? DH & I are tall & her 2yo sister is quickly catching up to her...

I skipped a grade plus had a late spring birthday and never noticed an age difference between me and my peers. To this day, all of my friends are a few years older than me. Frankly (and this is my two cents) I think we make way too much of an issue of age these days.

http://m.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/09/youngest-kid-smartest-kid.html

DD9 hasn't been skipped, but as we get ready for "academic planning" for DD with the school this fall, I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about the fact that she is: 1) already on the young side of her grade, especially with the "holding back" that goes on around us (many of her "summer birthday" peers from pre-K are already in the grade behind her due to being "held back" by parents); 2) quite short for her age, not just her grade (I know this seems unimportant, but she IS quite self-conscious about this already).

Still, I know she needs SOMETHING different than what we've been doing. She didn't even come close to "evening out in 3rd grade." So now we need to consider the options - I COMPLETELY understand your concerns, so at this point, I am lending moral support.

What I COULD have done was have her tested earlier, which would have probably shown that "evening out" was not going to happen (her later test results that were eventually done show why this was so). But we didn't test her at a young age - we waited until the school did it for its own programming. I am probably going to make some adjustments based on this experience with Child #2.

Are only the parents of girls responding? What about boys?

My older son is and has always been below "the charts" in height...we cheer when his height makes it on the chart. His best friend was the tallest in the class in fourth and fifth grade...they looked so cute together...Bert and Ernie cute.

My younger son tall...not off the charts tall but 90%tile tall. For us he is a giant....his best friend in first, second and last year is a child like my older son....teeny below the chart...

My point is, in my experience height isn't an issue. Kids like kids who they like and height doesn't even matter. We have never skipped my older son...but if height had come up in a meeting about skipping we would have said that even if we put him down two grades he would still not be considered tall, in no environment will he ever be anything but short....that is just something he lives with like having blue eyes. I keep thinking someone has to be short...or else no one could be average and tall.

Now we did skip my younger son and height never came up....because I bet he would have to go up two more grades before he looked smallish.

My children are young for grade, and fairly extreme 2Es.

DS7 is very young for grade, with classmates 2+ years older in some cases. He is very obviously young (chronologically, size, maturity, attention span) and yet wants to talk about topics that friends don't like/understand yet. "On average" he is properly placed-- but there is no "on average," just things that work and things that don't.

How we handle it is to problem-solve issues as they arise. There is not much point fretting over the possibility that things won't fit well later. There is only solving problems that can be solved when they arise.

I will also say that my standards have changed. My kids are not cut out to be "in crowd" people, and neither were DH and I, and yet we are reasonably happy and sociable adults. A lot of parents here micromanage their kids' social lives to make them popular or socially successful. We try to make sure our kids have rewarding experiences with other kids, but we are not trying to put them in the center of the school's social life.

We have seen that in middle school, the kids tend to group themselves more by shared interests (no longer by mom friendships or neighborhoods). This helps a lot. We just have to get through elementary first, which is a much more lockstep experience.

As others have observed (HK, DD), it comes down to accepting that there will be no perfect placement (the value of a perfectly synchronous placement is another discussion altogether). It's just a question of which asynchrony you can tolerate the best.

The dominant culture has a high value for chronological-age ghettos, which is rather at odds with the real world of adult work & (one hopes) community.

And let's not forget that those at the top of the social ladder in adolescence generally have reached their peak; it is difficult to maintain that kind of social status outside of the closed system of high school, and they have not acquired skills for dealing with a drop in status.

Learning how to understand other people and oneself, to be a compassionate friend, and to be both principled and forgiving in relationships are all much more important than fitting in. And will lead to true friendships over the long term.

My DS6 is big for his age. He is also the youngest in several activities at which he has been in for a few years. He hangs out with kids older than him routinely. I never saw a problem with that - because my DS is so social, I love to see him interacting with kids of all ages and see that the other kids like and include him in everything. In one enrichment activity, there is a 13 year old boy who has been DS's friend for 3 years now and keeps an eye out for him if he needs help.
The interesting thing is that recently, DS has started taking other 4-5 year olds who are new to his clubs/groups under his wing and helping them out.
So, to the OP, give it a few years and maybe your DD will have a younger friend who she is helping out at school too.

Totally agree. My kids have plenty of opportunities for social problem-solving. It is not always smooth, but I'm hoping their effort to understand peers (in general, age and otherwise) will pay off...

DS6 (gr2) is 25th centile for height and due to skipping one year has boys 6 months to 18 months older in his class. He is one of the shortest but no-one cares. He is friends with both the older and younger boys and enjoys going up to gr 3 for some subjects. Last year he thought we may have missed a birthday over the years and told everyone he was a year older than he was. This year he has worked out that being younger is not a bad thing and happily gives his true age (not that he is asked much at school anymore). The kids don't care, its the adults that might!

DS9 is two years ahead in a mixed-aged classroom, so most of his friends are 10-12 years old. He's tall, so he doesn't stand out as much as he might otherwise, but there's a big physical difference between a 9-year-old and a 12-year-old regardless. Fortunately, DS is mature enough and quick enough that most kids quickly forget his age and accept him as-is. Personally, I felt weird enough about inviting 12 year old kids to DS's 9th birthday party that I left the age off of the invitation and the cake, but every one of the older kids came, and they clearly enjoyed DS's company. So, it's working for us so far.

DS8 is in the 97th percentile for height and weight, and has always been the biggest kid in his classes. He loves to make friends with kids both older and younger than him.

He was being bullied by a little boy his age who did not come up to his shoulder last year. So...it's more about your own confidence, how you carry yourself, and what you will tolerate from other people than it is about your size or your age, IMNSHO.

There was a major story last year in which a pro football player was the victim of bullying. He is over 300 pounds and pushes other beefy people around for a living. So you're right, it's not just about size.

In the case of the sports story, the main perpetrator was another offensive lineman himself, who was joined in his behavior by other teammates, and who enjoyed special status as a member of the team leadership council, so there still remained a significant difference of power between the victim and the perps.

Bullying is often encouraged by a perceived difference in power between victim and perp, and being larger means there's a physical difference of power, so size still matters.

MsFriz: it's funny you say that about the birthday cake. DD(4) is more than happy to share exactly how many more months until she turns 5 but it always makes me a bit insecure. We have to have her birthday party early this year because I'm due with #3 in Nov and her birthday is December. So I'm having it mid-October and am so tempted to not put her age on anything.
Due to her class being Montessori she only has 8 kids in her "group" within the mixed age class of 23, meaning only 4 girls that are third year (kindergarten) so the girls get close.

The moms asked me at the end of the year party how old she was (thinking all of the girls were the same age and "how fun" that they are so close in age). It was June & I said DD will be 5 "soon" ha! I find I say that so often, even this summer.

Our DD started K last fall at 3.5. Several of her classmates were already 6 when school started, or shortly thereafter, so there was a big age disparity. But, according to her teachers' reports throughout the year, and our own observations, it was never an issue with the kids. She fit in well with the group as a whole, and bonded very closely with another little girl more than two years older than she is. So it hasn't become a social issue for her (yet, who knows what later ages/years may bring).

That being said, it was not all smooth sailing. The parents were the problem. There was a group of parents up in arms over her placement, and it took a long time to bring them around. Like GHS, I felt like I needed to refrain from drawing attention to her chronological age whenever possible. So disappointing.