My DD6 who was my rebellious, intense, out of the box thinker, is suddenly a model student in first grade. She is attentive, gets work done quickly with no careless mistakes, helps others, is developing and refining social skills, is very popular, and has been called mature repeatedly by her teacher. This sounds very much like a success story (esp since we were looking at a possible ADHD diagnosis two years ago), but a part of me feels uneasy.

Her teacher clearly sees she is way ahead and called me in for a meeting to discuss my DD6's academics and made promises to have her working ahead, but nothing much comes to fruition. The teacher is overwhelmed with a difficult class that seems to be moving at a slow academic pace, even slower than the others, and I am sure she likes having someone mature who can help others and set a good example.

My DD6 helps her third grade reading buddy just like she helped her fourth grade reading buddy when she was in K. She helps other kids in her class in so many ways and even holds morning meeting. These are all good things, but she never gets material at the right level. Her so called enrichment words were way too easy as were her math enrichment packets. There is no official gifted programming until second grade and even then, it isn't even called gifted and may serve kids at the 90th percentile and up. The school is strongly against a grade skip for anyone any time and I am not sure I would even want one.

I hate to be a thorn in their side, but her model student behavior sets her up to be a teacher's helper and not to learn more while at school.

It is early in the year so this honeymoon may wear off after months of easy work. She reads entire books (long chapter books)each day at school and writes page after page of her own stories, but doesn't get any approprite instruction in either area. She is strong in math too, but is more drawn to language and science. The math curriculum is also not a match. Maybe I am looking for a problem when one doesn't exist. She isn't much of a squeaky wheel right now, but I think it is because she LOVES being a teacher. She gave a presentation the first week of school and the teacher was impressed by her ability to get the students to pay attention to her.

Has anyone else had a gifted girl go through this stage where she switches from being challenging to a mini teacher and if so, what was the outcome? I am almost embarassed by finding a problem when things look so good on the surface, but I worry that she is primarily interested in how she is perceived and this may morph into hiding her talents down the line.

thanks for letting me ramble. I may come back and edit this when I have more time.

I don't think her model behavior sets her up for decreased learning opportunities. She just doesn't have any meaningful ones no matter how she acts, from the sound of it. The outcome, unless she changes again, will be that she will continue to be seen as mature and a high achiever. This may actually increase your chances of getting acceleration for her, if you decide to advocate for it.

Lucounu, everything you are saying is logical. I think some part of me still believes a magical opportunity is hiding around the corner and we just need the right key: perfect behavior, acting out so that they think she NEEDS something else, a golden egg, who knows...

My experience, also living in New Hampshire, is that they are clueless about gifted education statewide, with the possible but not definite exception of the new Polaris charter school. I've heard from people in other districts and it seems to be similar everywhere: no state or local mandate for gifted services, no money for gifted programs (either programs have been cut or never existed), aversion to acceleration, an extremely egalitarian mindset, Everyday Math, and less than stellar performance.

But one thing we do have in this state: the right to smoke on any town playground. Thanks, New Hampshire.

I think you've got to get moving sooner or later on figuring out what to do for your daughter; you can't just put faith in the school system year after year. Afterschool her, partially homeschool, advocate for enrichment, whatever-- something has got to be better than nothing. Otherwise your daughter may wind up being comfortable with "excelling" at the level set by the school. Don't let the school limit her; that's the source of your concern, and it's totally valid.

Your daughter sounds very much like I was in her age! I was the model student, always done with my work fast, then helping my classmates and my teacher ... and I actually enjoyed it! I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. While she may not be learning "more", she is learning a lot of other things that she couldn't otherwise ... like be able to explain things to those who are slower, be patient with them (will come in increasingly handy!), develop a great relationship with her teacher, and many more.

Because of the way I acted (always had my work done, mature, straight As, no behavior problems) I never had problems advocating for MYSELF at school as years went by and my parents never had to get involved. In 4th grade, I MYSELF applied to go to a gifted Science and Match school (5th-8th), went to take the tests (again, myself ... THANKS public transportation! :)) ... and my parents had no idea about any of this till it was time to sign the paperwork after I was accepted into the program.

So, my plans with my boys are simple ... follow their lead. If they are happy at the level they'll be at, I won't be pushing for much more than that. If I see they are bored, misbehaving, and clearly miserable, then I'll worry.

I'll counter; this sounds like me too, and I wish my parents had been more proactive. Being unchallenged but happy at the time is possibly better than being unchallenged but unhappy at the time, but the two are equivalent in the deleterious long term problems they cause. [ETA: I probably would have been good at self-advocating, too, if there had been anything to self-advocate for; there wasn't. I was often bored, but I didn't complain because, well, because that wouldn't have been well-behaved, I suppose. Besides, there were interesting things from time to time - interesting facts for example - there just weren't any hard things, and I didn't know that was a problem until much later. I think it's OK to assume that if the child isn't complaining there isn't a problem while they're very young and playing is what they should be doing, but later than that I think that's a huge mistake.]

In a vacuum of appropriate education options, you could certainly do worse. There are a number of benefits to her becoming the teacher's assistant. It develops empathy and understanding for the difficulties of others, which will be an enormous social help for her going forward. It helps her develop leadership skills. And it gives her a way to feel good about her abilities.

In other words, she's learning. She's just not learning the things a school is actually supposed to be teaching her.

thanks everyone. She is very concerned with hurting her teacher's feelings by telling her she already knows things. She admits to adjusting her vocabulary when talking to classmates. Just now she is putting together something for a (we hope!!)gifted boy in her class because he wants to learn something she knows how to do and he doesn't and I commented that he is very competitive and she said, "That's fine. I'm not. I like teaching people things." Maybe she has already found her calling :-)

I know she is learning things. I just worry she will become happy with operating far below ability. I guess there are worse things in life, but I see such a bright light and I hope she doesn't ever hide it or lose it.

ITA with the above.
I just read the book The Curse of the Good Girl. I think applicable here. Girls (esp. polite, teacher pleaser, perfectionist girls) are at great risk of being oversocialized to their detriment, IMO. I don't really know the answer. My dd11 is starting to have some strong opinions (usually politely expresses, but passionate and loud!) that my dh (I think it is a family of origin and cultural thing with him-German) doesn't think are appropriate in a child. I disagree and want her to be comfortable speaking up respectfully and having her voice heard. I don't know what the answer is for the OP, but I think it is a good question to consider.

I think bright girls quickly learn that they are rewarded more for social success than for academic success. Society treats girls differently and places great value on their ability to nurture. If your daughter is doing this - and it's a sudden switch - it could be that she's figured out that this is the key to her social success. Just a thought...

Hi,

Thanks again, everyone. My DD6 has been talking about how she chooses topics of interest to other girls, and seems very conscious of how others view her and the nature of her friendships. In a way this is all good because in the past, she seemed socially unaware and not strong on empathy, but now she talks about what she thinks others are thinking and how she can influence their perceptions / actions. This isn't bad per se, but it is a new child, and I have a little concern that this will be a pathway to suppressing her interests / ideas. It is hard to imagine becauase she has always had slightly offbeat interests and has been highly opinionated, but I see signs of a new kid and some of it is a relief, but a tiny part of me hopes this doesn't signal the movement away from some of what made her unique. Maybe my worries are unfounded. I'll know more at conference time.

Add me to those who think that model students who are gifted girls and who are clearly striving to be the best helpers possible may be worth keeping an eye on. MInd you, I don't know your child and I think there are a lot of possibilities here and a lot of ways for this to play out, both positive and negative. But in many ways I appreciate my DD's rough edges and squeaky wheel persona because I doubt very much that the "nice girl" pressure is going to get her. She's simply too spiky (although I do see that she has toned down some of her behavior, esp, around peers, as she's aged).

Speaking as a former model student and teacher's helper, I would be very concerned. If being an outlier (more mature than the other kids, more advanced academically, the person singled out and favored by the teacher) becomes your daughter's identity, then she might feel threatened rather than stretched when she finally encounters real academic peers and competition (somewhere around law school in my case) and fail to rise to the challenge. Rewarding and praising someone for their maturity is like rewarding them for their innate smarts--it doesn't encourage hard-work, risk-taking or growth/development and might even discourage those things.

I would be concerned too. Many adult women, especially moms, fall into the trap of meeting everyone else's needs before their own and never make it to "what I need" on the to do list. Surely we don't want to ingrain this pattern in childhood? Every child has the right to be educated at school in academics as well as life lessons.

And why is it, if this is such a special way to learn leadership and important life skills, that I have never read on this board about a little boy being recruited into the same role?

Thanks everyone, part of my concern is personal. I was the gifted girl who was always challening the system, always speaking out, always a thorn in someone's side. I finally felt more at home during college and graduate school, but then came children and I became that woman: the one who had talents in so many areas, but is now a self sacrificing stay at home mom. I am trying to figure out how to get out of that box, and don't want my daughter to lose her fire. Maybe my concerns are mostly projection since she still is her edgy, creative, willful self in plenty of environments :-) Mom on the other hand went from Harvard to piles of laundry and can't seem to get my creative self back. I think there are much greater risks of losing women to friends, children, etc. in a way that doesn't often happen with men or boys.

Mostly because little boys who are bored find other ways to amuse themselves that disqualify them from that role in the eyes of the teacher. I look at my DD and how hard she tried to keep her name off the board in elementary school, and I don't recognize that behavior. It certainly wasn't me. As long as my behavior didn't warrant loss of recess or a phone call home, it didn't bother me. And as long as I was bringing home straight A's, my mom was fine with all the comments about how I talk too much and disrupt class.

I read about gifted perfectionism, and see it daily with my DD, but it wasn't my thing. What motivated me at that age was competition. I was happy to get 95% on the test as long as nobody else got 100%. I wanted to be the first one done, too. Good citizenship awards were given, but I didn't consider them to be any kind of accomplishment.

While I may not have been a mentor/tutor in elementary school, I know the role well. A school teacher never recruited me for the role (well, except for that Navy instructor with the horrible accent that nobody else in the class could decipher), but my fellow students did.

First, a caution about over-identifying with our children and working to prevent our own history from repeating itself. Your daughter may find her stride in identifying as the assistant to the teacher. It may give her confidence, a respected role with her peers. My daughter is the total opposite of me, and I have had to learn to embrace her differences and support what makes her thrive no matter how much it makes me cringe inside.

As to being a stay-at-home mom - it can be liberating and a perfect opportunity to blossom professionally if you explore outside-of-the-box options. I started a freelancing writing career and ran my own writing business for ten years before launching a tech startup that was recognized as one of the top ten hottest mobile startups of 2010 at a major mobile convention that year. I do not say this at all to brag, but to say that if you have a Harvard degree, you already have more behind you than I did. I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom, because it lets me be there for my kids and gives me the freedom to work from home on my time and around my schedule.

What are you passionate about? What can you contribute to that field without sacrificing your freedom of being at home? Is it as a blogger or a niche business on Etsy or as a guest speaker or advocate? Is it establishing an LLC and creating a product or service? Just a few questions to start the ideas rolling.

I was the helper at school. Worked in the attendance office, as a teacher assistant, etc. It was a great outlet for my social tendencies and kept me out of trouble from being so bored. It is a good solution for some kids, and, by the way, even back in the 80's there was a pretty even mix of male and female students working as volunteers in the office. Maybe it was an anomaly - not sure.