DS has just jumped another level in the books he likes to have read to him. It's getting noticable enough that people no longer tease me about "not having the right book on hand" and are now just obviously shocked, and often kinda beligerant about it.

It's been a while since I took him to a coffee shop with a pile of books, which used to be a favourite activity. It's mostly because I'm embarrased to field the comments and questions, but also because the interruptions can be problematic (halfway though a sentance is not cool, Mrs. general public).

I've also mostly stopped reading to him on busses, which is a huge problem, because we get a tantrum almost everytime if we don't.

Any great ideas? I think his overall behavior is much worse when we don't get to do the coffee shop thing.

I read your post and had a vision of a a parent sneaking a book, wrapped in brown paper like it is subversive material . . .

Not that you should ever have to do that.

As long as you aren't theatrically loud so that you are disturbing the guy at the corner table writing his thesis, I wouldn't give a flip what other people thought. Your child will only want you to read aloud for a very short while, and then they'll have mastered the skill and prefer to read alone. I read to my kids in doctor's offices, parks, airports ...

Think of this - for your entire life as a mother, others will be looking at you or your child sometimes a bit askew because of their differences. While we don't want to raise boastful, disdaining children who have a superiority complex, we also don't want our kids to not be ok with who they are.

And for Mrs. Public who interrupts mid-sentence, don't look up. Just smile and hold up a one-moment finger and continue reading to a stopping point. That is what I used to do.

If its ok to read Horton hears a who in public then its acceptable to read anything else your DS wants to read. If either case disturbs the other diners or bus riders then maybe rethink but otherwise, I think this is where you have to start identifying how you want to balance the discomfort of being different with what your child needs. If you want to be less conspicuous do something less obviously intellectual, maybe maze books, or other forms of activity style book. But seriously, once you start changing how you parent based on what people might say for fear of being embarrassed you maybe saving short term discomfort but you re trading it for boredom, disappointment and confusion for DS. Plus you re in effect saying what we do at home isn't appropriate for out in public - and while I think there certainly are things like that, book reading is not one of them.

I do understand though not wanting to always be the focus of attention or having to figure out how to respond when someone is talking about your kid in front of your kid, especially when considering them some sort of trick performer. But given where DS is now, your conversations are going to get more involved on more significant topics. I often ask DS to hold is thoughts if we re in a crowded or enclosed environment, like an elevator, but other than that, he is who he is. DS is now old enough that people address their absurd statements or views to him, or try to mask it in where do you go to school,or what grade are you in, someone recently said to him, my aren't you verbal! Seriously!? Interestingly DS will engage or not, and if he doesn't sometimes I will answer the questions sometimes not. I've noticed that when the adult is a bit rude, his response if he responds is more snarky. When he thinks the person is generally interested he responds more openly.

Don't led rude people define how you want to be with your DS - ok getting off soapbox now

DeHe

hmm, guy at corner table writing his thesis... maybe I should pick coffee shops differently... we used to spend more time on campus, I wonder if we'd have better luck at our old coffee shop downtown?

DeHe: The bit about giving the impression that what we do at home is not ok in public... I think that might be the core of my concern. I think I'm not sure if what we do at home is appropriate in public. I think I want it to be appropriate, so I like all the responses that say "ignore 'em." I think, at the end of the day, I'm just not totally sure how private one's personal characteristics are, I guess. Which kinda slips into the "I'm REALLY smart" thread... eek. Should I be teaching my sons that blatant displays of otherness are appropriate in public, or should I be teaching them that such displays should be toned down? Everyone, I think, puts some effort into conforming while in public, more than they do at home. It's a quesion of where the limits are... hmmm


Why does this stuff alwasy turn out to be about me not him?

Thinking about the other thread - I think it's totally different for a kid to say hi my name is, I am so smart, than to have someone else comment on your reading material that you pull out while waiting for your meal. I have had conversations with DS about what people say - did that make you feel uncomfortable - and I am sure he sees my different responses. I have learned from that awful moment at prek when I realized that what he hears me say is the priority and I never want him to hear me showcase his faults so that other people feel more comfortable with his oversized skills. I would rather be silent and left out than have him doubt me or himself.

And thesis guy is choosing to work in a place where people gather to eat, drink and - wait for it - omigosh - TALK. Talking sounds no different from reading (unless of course DS is not exhibitting proper behavior, too excited, too loud, etc). I have absolutely no problem modifying my or DS behavior in terms of etiquette - which is why I reached out here to find out what to do about him announcing he was smart - and I am so glad I did, we had an opening in a conversation and I was prepared with what I had to say and so it didn't feel like a sit down, son we must talk. More organic. And I don't walk around announcing where my son goes to school, but when I do choose to answer that question, people always go, ohhhh, as if to say that explains it, or wow, that's a good school type thing. But I don't offer it up. I think it's appropriate to read in public,or to read to my DS in public.

I think the key in your post is "displays" is reading at the level at which you are a display. I think not. But I suppose it could be, like that Colorado woman showing off her PG son. But again not sure you need to parent because someone you don't know thinks you are showing off, or over the top. Comments will happen - you just cant cover him up so much that his otherness won't be noticed - someone will notice. So if they are rude, respond appropriately, if they are not, master the smile and the thank you!!!

I totally get the it's me not him issue!!! I am constantly having to evaluate what is me and my issue versus a real issue. And the personal favorite, wanting to "fix" behavior or skills because of not wanting him to feels the slings and arrows I did.

DeHe

I think it's a good thing that you're sensitive to the sensitivities of others - and that's a good thing to teach your kiddos, too. But where I draw the line is in trying to "hide their light" to the point that they feel like something is wrong with being smart or liking "odd" things like laser chess or Dad's old C++ programming manuals.

The other day we were getting groceries, and my son and I chat the entire time. He was sharing an idea he had for a business (it's a new one every week), and he asked me, "I have a good business plan. I've done the projections. All I need now is a little working capital, but you won't be one of my Angel investors. So I'm going to have to think outside the box on funding this one."

He wasn't talking overly loud, and he wasn't trying to impress anyone. He lives in a house where we've had three startups since he was born, and so he's had a kitchen table experience in all of it.

I was challenging him on his so-called business plan when I heard a man mutter to his wife, "Sheesh. Some people can't even let their kids be kids. That's ridiculous."

I didn't try to correct him but just ignored the comment and wandered to the next aisle with my son. I would have been more sensitive at one time, but not anymore. I have "weird" kids by some people's standards, but I'm not out there trying to make them little entrepreneurs or geniuses. I am simply letting them express who they are with the belief that it is ok to be themselves.

I guess that is where I was coming from with the who not giving a flip who heard you reading. You're going to get rude comments and wondering comments and awestruck comments. As long as you accept that is the norm, it is easier to live life and let your kids grow up a bit more comfortable in their own skin.

Totally agree abqmom! What I find so amazing about people like this is their incredibly narrow definition of what it means to be a kid - my kid is being who he is as is yours.. Then these are the same people who celebrate entrepreneurs like Gates or Jobs. As if you just start being that person after you turn 18!!!

DeHe

DS once picked up a PhD candidate at the coffee shop we used to go to... he was discussing steam trains, and the guy was in some kind of physics or engineering or something. It was totally cute, because it was far enough outside the student's actual area he kept confusing himself (or possibly he was just incredible with kids)

ok, for now I will work on getting over it, I think. It kinda excites me to do that, which is probably a good sign. Maybe part of the problem with the comments is how exuberant DS is... It would be virtually impossible to complain about me not "letting him be a kid," when he's barely letting me catch my breath and my coffee's getting cold

The pace of our conversation over books is generally close to the border of allowable public exuberance, but it's not like we're in 5 star restaurants at dinnertime, we tend to go in the morning to noisy coffee shops that cater to the boysterous and have 3 espresso machines going non-stop.

As long as you are not being annoyingly loud and other people are also making noises (talking, etc.) in the general vicinity, I would just ignore any unwanted audience. Once your DS learns how to read fluently, it won't be an issue anymore. The environment makes a big difference. Perhaps you are hanging out at the wrong places? There are lots of public places where people mind their own business and have little interest in yours. Of course, if you have to be on a particular bus, there is no way to avoid the situation but certainly not all coffeeshops are created equal?

I also have felt like this with DD when she was little and now with DS. The content he chooses to read is getting more out there. I thought I was over this but the other day I had to leave him for a second to take DD3 to her teacher across the room and he went over and started talking to a man about the physics article he was reading. When I came back the man was very shocked and commented on how smart he was. I said thank you and moved down but then we had to sit there and wait for 30 min with DS5 asking me questions. I tried to change the subject but it didn't work. It was pretty nerve racking.

The next day DS met a woman from Africa while I took DD to her teacher. When I came back he was showing her his field guide on bugs and the woman had seen many of the bugs and knew a lot about them. DS spent 45 min talking to her about the bugs and had a great conversation. She also commented that he was smart but it was okay the way she said it. She had a conversation with him and was genuinely interested in talking to him and was not treating him like a circus bear doing tricks so it was okay.

I think it depends on the intent of the person commenting as to how uncomfortable the comments are. If people are genuinely interested in meeting another like minded human being and having a conversation than it is fine. I think most people do not like to feel different. Meeting more families with HG to PG children has helped me be more comfortable with the comments. We also did relocate to an area that is more friendly towards our kids. It is good to hear that other people struggle with this too.