Would those of you who have family that don't have much (or any) contact with your child share their reaction when you told them your child is gifted?

Did they believe you?

We don't tell everyone. We told my parents, who were not too surprised. And my brother-in-law, who is a high school teacher. He got it. We don't really tell people (even family) that we think aren't going to understand. I come talk to you guys instead.

Sometimes people figure it out... when your kids whip some adult at chess or trivia at an early age, it can be pretty obvious. And my kid's vocabulary has always been huge. But for us it is "need to know" information.

My whole family is-- we'd have to say something if he weren't. DS hasn't been formally diagnosed or anything though, so I guess there's no actual labeling to share.

With DH's family we never use the term gifted, we just tell DH's parents the milestones DS reaches (or back when, sent videos) because grandparents like to know that sort of thing, and everyone else hears from them. I imagine the conversation goes, "How old did you say he was?" Though before we had a child we got a lot of comments from DH's extended family on what smart children we'd have (we have doctorates in mathy fields from prestigious universities and went away for high school), so I imagine they don't need much telling.

I dunno, I guess I don't think the label is so important. What's important is what the kid does with it, or the special needs that come from it. In your case, you don't have to say your child is gifted, just have to mention the child is reading. Let the relatives connect the dots. Or don't say anything at all. "Need to know" is a good way to put it.

In our extended family it would be regarded as rude to mention it; the term "gifted" would seem overly precious to them, and it would also seem like bragging vis a vis cousins who are achieving at a more typical rate.

They have all noticed he's smart; why would they need to know more than what they've already observed?

DeeDee

I think it feels good to have an understanding of our children by others and that might compell you to tell them DC is gifted. I've been one to say too much and I'm learning less is better.

I asked because when I shared a website that gave descriptions of children's accomplishments at various ages who later were identified as gifted, I received in reply from my dad: "He's that way because he has a mom who works with him."

I suppose allowing my son to play with toys two years beyond what his age at the time was and reading to him the recommended twenty minutes a day and only playing "educational" DVD's and letting him watch Sesame Street would qualify as "working with him".

I suppose that could account for why he could count past 70 with few mistakes at two years old, since he did ask for "his numbers" at night to fall asleep by, instead of nursery songs.

But is it likely the reason?

How does "working with him" account for his getting upset if his books aren't perfectly sitting straight in his bookcase, or being hypersensitive to sound?

Apparently, I'm confused by the description of "how to tell" that I've read online.

I must just have a high-energy bright boy, then.

Difficult - it sounds like you were looking for something different from your dad than what you got...what were you hoping for? How was Dad with recognizing your strengths when you were young? Is he proud of you for 'working with' your son? Is he afraid you'll make a sissy of his grandson?

If you had asked me when DS was less than 6 years old why DS was 'different' I would have thought exactly what you wrote - that it was because I 'interacted' with him, and because he was an active, brigh boy. I didn't know anything unusual was going on until his behavior at school crashed and burned. And BTW, I don't think that giftedness is an excuse for bad school behavior, and i dont' think that bad school behavior is a nescessity for extreame giftedness. But my son did have an 'intense' personality, and a poor fit classroom, and 2E issues, and roll it all together and watch the fireworks!

It's a marathon, not a sprint, trying to be understood by family memebers.

Smiles,
Grinity

My 11yo twins are hg+, and we share very little with my family, who live in a different city from us. They can see that both kids are smart and we do talk about the kids current activities, but they have no idea of the test scores, etc. I don't want my kids to define themselves by those measures, and their relationships with family are part of that. When we get together with family several times a year, we do outdoor activities, watch movies, share favorite humorous youtube videos, and other fun stuff. Academic performance comes up only rarely.

However, academics may become more conspicuous next year as our kids transition to middle school. After 6 years *without* grade acceleration, and no gifted program at their school but lots of in-class differentiation, our kids will be grade accelerated in math by three years at the middle school next year.... I am sure family will hear that our 6th graders are in Honors Algebra and recognize that that is unusual, but I am hoping we can inform them without it being a big deal.

I guess for us, giftedness is so universal among my side of the family (myself, all my siblings, my nieces), that the discussion of what level they are at (and, by implication, their level of giftedness) comes up frequently, particularly when it comes to math. My husband, who is also gifted but not raised in the same type of environment, rarely brings up details of giftedness about our kids with his family. We will comment on precocious stories or let them show off their reading, but don't really talk much about what that means. We certainly wouldn't hide it, though. Nobody on either side of the family would look askance at their achievements, nor would they respond as ametrine's dad apparently did...

My dad is highly intelligent (I don't know if he's gifted, or what his IQ is, but he is a lot like ds.) I suppose I was hoping for more information from him...maybe some sharing on his part about what he was like at ds' age.

Dad has always been "distant" and uninterested in my siblings and me. I don't know if he's proud of me or not.

It's likely I'm looking for parental approval by even sharing with him what his grandson is up to, since he never asks. I'm sufficiently self-aware to realize I had hoped we could "connect" over a grandson that I thought he would see himself in.

If dad was complimenting me on my parenting, it's ironic. When I was struggling in high school Algebra, he only attempted to help me a couple of times and then gave up when I didn't "get it" on his timeline.

You're lucky to have supportive (surrogate) parents.

Ametrine -

Glad you found us then! As others have mentioned, this forum is awesome for "connecting" with others who "get it" and are happy to share.

Not quite the same as having having that kind of connection with a parent, but quite wonderful any way.

He sounds a little like my dad. He probably assumes your son is normal and all the other kids are deficient or got no stimulation as infants.

My family believes my dad, and several other relatives, have Asperger's. He truly doesn't realize he's supposed to show an interest in my kids, or how to go about doing it. My stepmother has basically put him in intensive social therapy for the last 20 years and he now makes an effort, but it always seems forced.

I obviously don't know your dad, but it might make you feel better to think along those lines. Some folks are heartless, but some just don't know how to connect with others.

How old is your child?

Does your Dad do email? Sending updates and pictures of your family might encourage him.

Maybe you could look for a learning connection. Does your Dad have any passions?

Some school projects helped make some very nice interactions with our relatives. Maybe you could try something like a Flat Stanley or geneology study. Does your Dad play Chess they could do that online together. If you encourage their relationship, your Dad will see DCs special gifts on his own.

I would guess that this might be true. Dad (without getting too specific) worked in the Silicon Valley...Asperger's capital of the US, apparently. It's interesting that you also mention that your dad isn't very social, because that's my dad to a tee.

You've given me a lot to think about. Especially that dad may just think ds is normal and other kids lacking in stimulation/attention. Mom once told me that dad is almost a "snob" about mental abilities.

Doesn't sound pretty, but there you are.

My son is a bit under four and a half.

I've been keeping in touch with dad mostly by email and send him updates, but sometimes I don't get a response back, or he will respond with a "Heh" and then talk about his cat. I do see the humor in this.

Funny you mentioned the Flat Stanley book. I just got ds that one yesterday and have yet to read it. Is there projects to do with it?

You've given me an idea. I think I'll take ds over there with a snap kit one Saturday and see if dad will be interested in working it with him.

Thanks!

we've had mixed reactions from both sides. It was my mom who pointed out DS4's - then under 2 - giftedness.

my younger brother was thrilled, my sister is supportive and tries to understand.

My older brother and his wife, DH's older brother and his wife are disbelieving - I'm apparently very pushy.

DH's sister is oblivious and still buys "age appropriate gifts" that are so not appropriate for my boys.

Dh's parents just say that DS4 is "a bit smart", but that we over structure his time and overschedule his life. and that DS2 is too little for us to tell.

Thing is - DS4 is literally able to do things at the same level, and above in some instances as his cousin who is 7. So how they can't see it I still don't quite get.

WRT your father - maybe they just need to spend time together alone.. would that be an option? they may find each other that way, it's working with my FIL and my boys - they are building great relationships and he is finally understanding exactly how advanced they really are.

Madoosa, your experience matches what I have found. I find sibs harder to deal with on this issue than parents, personally, probably because of jealousy. I have learned over the years to not give the sibs too many details. For example, D has been attending Davidson THINK in the summer. When sibs or sibs-in-law ask what she is doing for the summer, we just say she is taking a couple of classes at a camp in Reno -- we skip the "college", "gifted", etc. parts of it If they ask for details, we tell them generally what the subjects are (but "math", not "calculus", etc.). It just works out better for us. I mean, they know she is different and smart -- it is obvious as soon as she opens her mouth. But we really don't talk about it much. And she has a good relationship with her cousins, so I guess it has worked out.

Thanks for sharing the situation in your family. I feel better knowing that it must be a difference in individual perception sometimes. (My mom says ds is a "smartie").

I was thinking that I would ask my mom to lunch and see if my dad would "babysit" for an hour. Actually, I'm scared to ask because I'm almost positive my dad will think I've "lost it" that I would think he's interested in watching my son. But I agree with you that if only he would give him a one-on-one chance to talk with him, he would see.

I've often noticed my son is a bit "incoherent" and "hyper" around my dad...all the while, he's looking at him like he's thinking, "Am I getting grandpa's attention?" He's definitely different at home. I suppose I'm seeing some social awkwardness emerging in my son at this point.

I want to say to everyone who has contributed to my post that I appreciate your help in "brainstorming" this dilemma. Up to now, I've felt like I was flailing around in a quicksand pond without a clue as to how to extricate myself and my son!

Your father's frustration with your homework may just mean that he is HG. My daughter and niece (both hg) would not make good instructors and get so frustrated. This is probably not much against you.

I do agree that he is giving a compliment that you work with your son. It probably is his way of being proud.

I deal with my husband's high functioning Asperger's and your father is not likely to even think too much about other people. That is no reflection on you - that is just the way it is.

I like the idea of leaving folks together to develop a relationship, and had to do this with DH and DS, DS and my parents,DS and my inlaws - but, if your dad really is that poor in social skill that your son is feeling basically the same way you have come to feel about interacting with your dad: that Dad isn't interested and somehow this is your own fault - then I'm not so enthusiastic about the idea.

I want to be really sure that we aren't asking our children to fix, on some level, problems that we have given up trying to fix.

Is you mom the kind of person who could help you think this through? If you printed out these posts and showed them to her, would she be offended or helpful? Does your dad have a best friend who he looks to for guidance in general?

A bit of a tangent
Good luck!
Grinity

My dad was the my kids are supposed to be smart kind of dad, and thankfully we were, if we had been arty or dreamy life would have been much tougher. So with DS5 both my parents were initially unimpressed. But the socially inept engineer turned grandpa adored DS in away didn't as a parent. Both parents felt we were doing what you were supposed to do, but then they also gave me textbooks to work on at home so might be a bit skewed LOL, whem I started to say no I think he was more than we were, they were resistant. But then grandma became the biggest supporter and this was the woman who was still bragging about my reading before 4, she made sure to tell me I wasn't reading anything like what DS was reading at the same age. But she says nothing to my brother because his kids same age are more regularly gifted.

But my dad who should be doing all sorts of fun science things, doesn't and is just jealous about the relationship DS has with grandma, it's like he can't even figured out what he could do to relate better yet he desperately wants to. On the one hand he accepts that DS is ahead but still treats him like he is 3. The one time they did snap circuits they had a great time. He brags about his abilities to others but subtly diminishes them in his presences which annoys DS.. I supposed I should be grateful it's not overt like it was with me.

Also, once I started trying to figure out DS it started me questioning them in terms of what they did with me. I still have not accepted it especially the effects on my psyche but I am a little more understanding that they did the best they could at the time.

And they desperately wanted to know DSs number but I asked the, point blank why do you want to know, and they had no good reason beyond wanting some outside recognition that i was either right or wrong. But if they were offended or annoyed they got over it. But I knew they should not have it specifically but I did tell them we were testing, but not DHs family. The are flipped put enough that he needs to be tested for K.

Wow, no idea I had so many thoughts on this!!

DeHe

My son has been reading for a long time, since he was around 2.5, so most everyone knew he was "ahead." Not because we bragged about him, just because he is one of those, "read everything I see out loud" kind of kid. My ILs had 4 gifted boys, I would say they are MG or HG, My DH is probably HG, so when it comes to my EG son, they thought for while that I worked with him, and that's why he seemed smarter than their kids. When we had him tested for early entrance to K, they thought we were being pushy, but once we found out his results, they started to get it a little bit. I'm sure they still think a lot of it is hot housing, but they won't say that out loud anymore. (I have 11 month old twins in addition to my 4 y/o, I barely have time to pee, let alone spend hours a day flash carding my kid to death!)

My parents had mostly ND kids, my brother and I are MG, so my DS seemed like a little rocket scientist to them. LOL.

With our family, they are of the "of course they are gifted"...<wink wink>

Flat stanley is a common elementary project. If you google it you will probally find something.

If Grandpa is not that social, some ice breakers with interests he can relate to may help. When your ready, maybe lego robotics, or programming. best of luck, I'm glad you are feeling encouraged.

My dad liked to play checkers with my kids when they were really little (before they were old enough for chess).

It's MISGUIDED Jealousy on the large part... consider that giftedness is somewhat genetic... means that your kids must have fairly smart parents (ie you) and since it is generally acclaimed that siblings are within 10 IQ points of each other - therefore your siblings should be fairly smart too and by extension their kids as well...

I say this for a good reason. My older brother has two gorgeous and IMO HG+ girls. But they both struggle through school - even though they both started a year early... the younger one (10) has a natural talent for drama, piano, violin, language... the older (11) is a natural sportswoman - the youngest ever South African to qualify for the water skiing world champs this year, and natural abilities for language etc etc. but no - they both hate school, are forced through homework and extra lessons to help with spelling and maths and and and. but since they struggle, they cannot be that clever apparently. And since Aiden is a kid who will sit and play chess with the 10 year old - he is just strange.

My experience tells me that it's misguided jealousy that stems from their own inability/interest/whatever to really see their kids and to understand that education does not have to be as horrible as they experienced it.

Until your father treats your son like something more than "just a baby" this behaviour will continue. Both my boys are more silly and babyish around my IL's - esp MIL, since it is what she expects from them - and it's what is conveyed to them by word and action. My MIL still wants to help DS4 go to the toilet to pee -offering to pull his pants down and up for him (he has had this down pat for the last 2 years). She calls him "my baby" and when he wants to show her anything she tells him not to worry you are too young to do that, go and play rather."

so around her he acts more silly. And when we are there with him and her, you can tell he is torn on how to act - and we have more bad behaviour than usual because of the mixed emotions. But as soon as I chat to him on the side about something he loves, he starts to stabilise again and be more himself - despite trying to hide it from them. (does this make sense?)

Ah, I didn't say it was all jealousy between the kids or of the kids There are some pretty big gaps in intelligence among the sibs in my family (children of my parents). And then throw spouses in the mix, who may or may not be gifted. So we do have a mixture at the parent level of gifted and not. Also... we sibs have one very bright parent and one just average... so the genes were not spread evenly, I suspect. We definitely don't fit the 10 point IQ point range theory for the sibs.

So some of the treatment of kids may not be about the kids at all in some families, but about things still playing out from the parents' generation. It is still misguided jealousy, but not always easy to solve.

Reading through the postings since I was last on, I think that it would be a good idea to set up a standing play date with my son and my parents. (!)

That way, they can get over the whole awkwardness/denial and ds can get over his whatever-it-is.

This, I think, will be the right thing to do; over just scheduling one session with dad. The reason I think this is that my parents have pretty close relationships with my first brother's kids. They live nearby and the girls both go there after school (and my youngest niece was babysat by mom for years), so they have gotten to know them...just not ds!

What is that saying?
Familiarity breeds contempt. (I'm struck by the root of "Familiarity")
Maybe.
We'll see.

Ametrine - it does work, but takes a while, and like I said it can have drawbacks in terms of the child's behaviour around them if they treat him like a regular child of that age or even try to downplay him and what he is interested in etc.

It cannot hurt though - those relationships really are important and can be very rewarding for everyone (aside from giving you a few hours here and there as well)