DD 2y4m is such a happy kid. Lately I have been wondering if I am doing the right thing by protecting dd from certain knowledge...hmm that's not clear at all is it!
let me explain...

When DD asks which vehicle is making the siren sounds, I tell her what it is...fire truck, police car etc. But then she asks where are they going, what are they doing, why do they need a siren etc. I have told her that firemen, police officers and paramedics are "helpers". Whenever someone needs help they can ask these people to help them and they will come help them. She knows NOTHING about people getting big injuries, or getting so sick that they need help from these people. She has, so far, been content with my answers. She has asked what kind of help the people need and I tell her, "well you know how sometimes you need help with something? Well, everyone needs help sometimes." And that's it!

Today my parents were over here and as they left I said "drive carefully". DD asked me what did I mean and why did I say that. I told her that I want them to make sure they watch out for all of the other cars and not to drive to fast because they need to be safe. Well today that was enough for her, but what about the day (which will come) when she asks what would happen if they drove too fast or something like that.

Do you tell you kids all about the horrible parts of life? I just think she is so innocent and happy now and i don't want to wreck that! She doesn't know that anything bad will ever happen to her or anyone else. Life is perfect as far as she knows.

I know this isn't a gifted issue, just a parenting issue...hope that's ok!

Thank you so much!

Ah, well, my youngest has two older siblings (who openly discuss current events, WWII, our most recent dead chicken, etc.). He has lots of vocabulary I wish he didn't (kill, dead, etc.), but I don't see any negative effects on him. Oldest kiddo didn't have these influences and so remained protected from negative stuff longer.

I would say he's sensitive as he doesn't like to read Three Billy Goats Gruff before bed. Nightmares. It's that troll! (And our book makes him look cute!)

I'm pretty honest. I just try not to tell my kids more than they *really* want to know.

I always think of the old joke:

A child asks, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" Mommy launches into a long and detailed explanation of the birds and the bees, complete with diagrams and visual aids. Child listens quietly before replying, "Huh. My friend Chris comes from Baltimore."

Doh!

I don't want that to be me!

LOL!!!

Back to the original post. I will provide "just enough" according to their age. Most of the time, they were satisfied with the answer provided and didn't probe further. :P

Generally I'm very open and honest, but there have been some things I didn't bring up at all, or actively protected him from, because I thought they were just too much for right then. For an extreme example, DS was about that age in September of 2001, and because of a bit of luck followed by a bit of good planning managed to avoid ALL of the news coverage of the World Trade Center. There was absolutely no way I was going to bring it up, even obliquely, because we were about to get on an airplane several days later (actually the first international flight out at the end of the week). If he panicked it was going to be completely unmanageable.

He eventually heard about it, but at the much more comfortable distance of a few years. At this point (9) I think I'd tell him about anything, but not at 2... and especially not things that hit close to home. It's one thing to tell a child that there is suffering in the world, and another thing altogether to point out specific instances that could affect him directly. It's kind of like people who feel compelled to tell pregnant women all their labor and delivery horror stories... Everyone knows there's a risk, but you don't have to bring it up to someone is in the thick of it.

I think this is totally right until they understand Probability, etc. Some people never do that. When I was pregnant, everyone told their horror stories. Why? This was already my fourth pregnancy with no births yet. I was already having problems. I really did not need to know that.

I do warn her about things that are necessary, such as why she does not wander around alone.

GT's are so sensitive anyway. They really think it over and if they are too young to fully understand it, it is scary.

My only concern would be that something might happen like what happened at my house. My girls heard about calling 911 to get the fireman or the police to help. (This I didn't find out about until later.) So anyway, one night my husband and I are busy moving furniture around moving kids rooms and the police show up at my door. My DD had called 911, gotten scared when questioned and left the phone off the hook. The police were of course dispatched. Later that night after questioning my daughter we discovered that she couldn't find her "stuffy" and knew we were busy. She thought the police might "help".

I think you need to be age appropriate but honest. We got an age appropriate board book about police and fireman and their "jobs" and needless to say a board book about when to dial 911.

Yes, I am debating the same thing with DD 26mos. re: death, sex and the food chain. So far, I just give her a realistic but not overly detailed explanation. So far, so good. There's a chicken in the book, There's a chicken at the farm, There's a chicken on your plate, doesn't seem to bother her. Yet.

She understands "boo boos" and is not freaked out by my saying an ambulance is for very big boo-boos. We've had to take her to the ER for breathing difficulty and she's had a few procedures done at the pediatrician's, she handled those situations well (it helps that she thinks she's a doctor LOL).

Last week her great aunt died, but we have not adequately covered that concept, except to talk about her deceased grandfathers and uncles. Of course she thinks she's buddies with my deceased brother, but that's another kettle of fish. I play past that one.

How did any of us learn and accept these concepts? I think we can't be perfect at delivering the news of the way the world works.

As far as dialing 911 goes, I'm sure the fire dept. didn't mind too much that it was a false alarm.

I think you go off their cues. If they are satisfied with the simplified explanation then great ... leave it at that. But if they question that then clearly more will need to be added. It doesn't mean you go from 0 to 60 MPH in 6 seconds. There are many levels to a discussion so baby step it and let them guide how much they need to know.

Food chain I was pretty blunt about... I figured it wouldn't be too long before "turkey" and "turkey" were matched up, and Thankskgiving at risk, so when he was two we went to the state fair and I took him around the poultry house, saying things like "chickens are yummy"... "ducks, well lots of people like them but I think they're kind of greasy"... "I've never tried a goose but they used to be very traditional for Christmas dinner..."

If he had refused meat after that it wouldn't have been a tragedy -- I just didn't want him to realize it in the middle of a big family celebration when he was already tired and set up for a meltdown...

It stuck, by the way. A friend of ours refuses to eat any pork products because "pigs are as smart as dogs"... to which DS said, without missing a beat, "yeah but pigs taste better than dogs"

We use the spiraling concept, every time a subject comes back around we add a little more information. DS was severly ill at 14 mos, was hospitalized for 10 days. He remembers being there but not why. He's asked me a couple of times to explain it to him and each time he wants a little more detail.

Ooh! I like that kid!

Bacon: nature's candy!

Mmmmmm... bacon.....

I have, in my bag right now (and I'm NOT making this up!) a bacon-chocolate bar. It's actually rather good, in an... interesting sort of way... LOL

We had a field trip to a local restaurant-and-gourmet-market yesterday (which conveniently enough wound through all the most interesting aisles where I was mentally adding all sorts of things to my grocery list for later...) and when we got to the Wall of 500 Chocolate Bars I asked our guide which his favorite was, and that was the one he said he liked. I don't know if he was really telling the truth or if they're just not moving and he wanted to drum up sales, but it's not half bad! LOL

My ds seems to know all kinds of things I didn't tell him... I honestly don't know where he gets most it... could be just living in NYC, information overload capital of the world. For example when someone recently got on the subway, ranting about "what really happened on 9/11," and distributing a graphic flier, I instinctively tried to shield him... but he matter-of-factly told me he knew all about the planes flying into the buildings, and he really wanted to know if I thought it was a conspiracy, too.

On the subject of the food chain... when we were debating vegetarianism at our dinner table last year, my son said: "It's just nature. Cows eat grass. We eat them."

This became his teenage stepbrother's facebook motto: "Cows: they eat grass, we eat them."

Its amazing how sheltered kids are today.

My dad had three tours in Vietnam and my mom's best friend's husband was killed there. My mom had dated him at one point. That was a tough time for everyone. My mom spent most nights watching the TV news looking for information on what was going on. My grandmother's brothers fought at Anzio. One did not come back, but the others did, but not in once piece. My maternal uncle was gay and a criminal psychologist as well. My grandmother ran a large construction firm. All this made for very interesting dinner discussion when we all got together - which was a lot.

I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up. Chickens, hogs, cattle, a big garden. The facts of life are known by 3 years of age. I spent a lot of time with my dad while he did business and drove tractors by the time I was 8.

I've been reading Jon von Neumann's biography. By the age of 6, his dad, a prominent banker, had him sit in on meetings a lot.

We want kids to advance intellectually, but spiritually we hold them back nowadays.

Austin, I tend to agree with you.

Well, I had a streak of not sheltering so that DS would maybe, possibly understand what would happen if he did not pay attention to cars. He had a long phase of thinking he was invincible, which was scary. I pointed out roadkill, told him what happens to the body when your brain no longer functions, etc. Since my kid's sensitivities seem to be all external (clothing issues, etc), this did not really phase him. And he's sure to tell our vegetarian friends that he likes meat.

However, I did recently shelter him from the part in The Graveyard Book where the person who just murdered his entire family stands over the crib with a bloody knife (and DH was good enough to warn me about this). And I didn't read the parts talking about suicides. But DS is just 5, and the rest of the book is quite good for a kid who likes ghost stories. So the amount of sheltering will vary from family to family and situation to situation, but whatever feels right to you will be the right thing.

And, remember, if you don't teach your kids something the way you want them to learn it, they'll probably learn it from someone else if they really want to know. For example, I don't remember talking to DS about robbers, but today we were following my mom's car, and DS said "we're following her just like robbers who follow someone home so they know where to go to steal stuff." Yikes! That led to an interesting discussion.

Austin,

It's all about life experience. Different strokes for different folks.

Kids still grow up on farms. Kids still visit third-world countries during summer vacation. Kids still go to work with their parents. Kids do local summer music and sports camps all summer.

The kicker is that one child probably won't do all of that.
Variety is the spice of life!

Where's the harm in being a little sheltered? It won't last forever!

DS6 likes to watch the world news whenever he can (isn't he supposed to go for maths and volcanos?) - I worried about this at first, but he takes it in his stride - it's all riveting food for thought as far as he's concerned. I don't let him watch/listen to stories about child pornography, rape and some of the nastier killings, and will try to keep away from this as long as I can - I don't want things that dirty touching them until they're a lot older.

He's fine (as is DS4) with the idea of death and disintegration. We're not religious, but neither boy has shown any inclination to worry about someday ending with rotting, burning, or being disected by medical students - they're interested in the options. I thought they might have liked the idea of going up on a platform to be eatern by birds, but it didn't grab their fancy.

I did once avoid a question about babies etc - not that I'm opposed to telling exactly, but just wasn't up for it at the time. It's amazing how fast a boy can lose interest when you start talking about chromosomes and DNA.

Different strokes for different folks indeed.

I wouldn't go out of my way to introduce a child to tragic things, but I have a story to back up that sometimes it's right and necessary for them to know them, and it can be done. DH was very seriously ill (so that for more than a month we thought he might die, and for a few days we thought he almost certainly would) when DS5 was 2.5. As long as his dying was just a small possibility, I didn't press it on DS, although I did carefully avoid saying things like "the doctors will make Daddy better and he'll come home" and ask the nursery staff to do the same. The day I fetched DS from nursery to take him to ITU and see DH sedated and on a ventilator, I did talk to him on the way about what he'd see, and I did say "Daddy may die" and try to explain what that meant. Not a conversation I'll forget in a hurry. But there was a real possibility that we'd get to the hospital and find him already dead; and obviously, I wasn't in a state where I could conceal that something was very, very wrong.

Fortunately DH did recover! (Although he never was diagnosed- that in itself has shaken all our worldviews somewhat; I knew there are things we can't cure, but that there are life-threatening illnesses we can't even diagnose, even with the full panoply of testing and experts available today...) DS has very much done the spiral thing: he's had several phases of wanting to talk about that time repeatedly. I don't think he actually remembers visiting ITU. I don't regret talking honestly to him at the crisis time, at all. At the same thing there are things we shield him from - e.g., DH still has many things about his physiology outside the normal range and will be followed up for the foreseeable future, but given that he's well, we tend just to say he's having check-ups, and not talk details in front of DS.

Well of course we want to protect our kids from the horrible parts of life. However my DS therapist (he was 5) told me I had to explain things to him like an adult and to get out the dictionary and get out the encyclopedia to explain stuff to him. She said it will cause him more anxiety to ignore it or gloss over it. If your child is smart they will figure it out anyway or they will hear it from others. She said we should use the scientific method w/our DS. I admit do I really do that, eh not as much as I should.

Wow! What a hard time for you any your family! I'm glad your DH is much improved and I sympathize with the fear of the unknown there. How terrifying.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

I'm so impressed with the way you handled an impossible situation. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you're right that it is a great example of honesty at a difficult time and at a difficult age. I suspect you built a level of trust with your DS because of the way you handled the situation.

Best wishes for current and future good health for your DH!

My husband and I had a conversation just this morning about when to explain race, racism and slavery to our DS4. DS is completely naive about these issues and doesn't think anything of the fact that his friends and teachers are of many different races. I'd like to make that innocence and colorblindness last as long as possible, but my husband made St. Pauli's point:


DS is also such an advanced reader that I've noticed racism and slavery coming up in more and more of the books he's reading. So far, I've sidestepped the issues, but I suppose I'll have to lay things out soon...

Thanks Kriston. Yup, it was bad. Good to be reminded of what things are really important in life, though. We have a better set of attitudes and a better work/life balance now as a result of that, and I'm sure we all benefit.

Poor plants. You all are just phylum-challenged!

The violence on TV is overwhelming. Just about every program has it as its central theme, yet right during the break there is a commercial for PETA!!! Someone can order a vegan meal then go watch TV? We will act in some ways and yet support those who provide images otherwise.

We live in a very strange culture and we think nothing of it. Its almost like human beings need ethical dissonance to thrive.

That's not an easy thing to have to do.

My brother R passed away year before last - it was very sudden. His three kids and his DW were devastated, as all of us were. You never get over stuff like this.

ColinsMum, I'm sorry your family went through such a tough time. So very happy to hear your DH made it through, though.

Tragically, my brother died after 3 years of cancer treatment that sometimes worked and ultimately didn't. His two sons were 4.75 and 3.0. The family discussed daddy's boo-boos all the time, and of course his death. Thankfully it was not sudden (like your brother's, Austin). As my DH put it, the boys were so young they didn't realize they were supposed to get a dad for the rest of their lives.

The day after my brother died, thinking I was helping, I said to his DS 4.75, "If you want to write a letter to your dad someday, he can read it in heaven." He responded, "They don't have mail in heaven." That really made me laugh, and of course I felt foolish. He went on to say his daddy didn't live in the house anymore, but was going to live in his heart and even ride in the car sometimes. That made us all laugh.

My DH, who studied children and grieving in grad school, remembered that when a parent dies at home and is taken away without children knowing about it, it can be traumatic. So my brother's wife woke up the boys to let them see my brother's body and say goodbye. The little one did not wake up. The older one came in, saw the body and said, "Oh. That's it?" and went back to bed. It was a big relief to us that the boys didn't freak out.

Because I've had plenty of cancer myself and I've seen my brother die and leave behind two small boys, we do take the opportunity to at least mention death as it happens.

We took DD 26 mos. to a funeral just yesterday, for an unexpected death. Normally DD cries when she sees other people crying. We told her ahead of time that people would be crying at the funeral, and she handled things fine.