My DS6 came home from school today with a friendship bracelet. He told me his gifted teacher gave it to him to give to whoever he considered his best friend. He gave it to me. Although it gave me the warm fuzzies all over, it got me thinking about gifties and friendships.

While all of DS' teachers agree that he's very social and gets along with everyone, they've also commented that he doesn't seem to feel the need to "get close". Meaning that he doesn't have best friends, doesn't sit with the same kids everyday etc.

I'm wondering if any of you have noticed the same thing. His gifted teacher told me that just like anything else, relationships take effort and in the case of my son he's entirely too focused on other things to put out the effort. Sounds reasonable I guess. At what point do the wheels in the brain turn away from math and toward friendship?

Maybe he sees something in everyone that he likes AND is capable of having many friends and is capable of putting forth the effort to keep many friends?

If so, then these kind of people end up with huge "rolodexes" as compared to normal people.

Maybe you can question him about the kids he knows - if he knows details about many of them, knows their names, and keeps up, then he is gifted socially.

Many good leaders know and can recall names and faces of tens of thousands of people. Clinton, Bush, and Obama are known for this.

Lots of GT kids cross groups and have situational friendships: a chess friend, a friend at lunch, a friend to play outside with, etc.

I know I was one of these kids, and it lasted into high school. I was a jock with a boyfriend who was a straight-A student and a drama geek, but who was on student council, had lots of band friends, etc. I didn't really "fit" any one place at the time. I had lots of friends, but few close friends. But my high school reunions are a blast because I know EVERYONE there and have a sincere interest in knowing what everyone is doing now.

Actually, that has lasted even to today. I have a large circle of aquaintances with whom I like to spend time at different events and situations, but I have a very tight circle of real, close intimate friendships.

Some of that is personality for me, as it may well be for your child. I'm a highly social introvert, so I like people, but I am still pretty guarded. That means I know a lot of people and like them, but I would give my friendship bracelet to my DH!

Does your DS think his friendship situation is a problem? Does he feel lonely? If not, I don't think I'd worry too much about it. Keep an eye on it, maybe. But just casually.

I hear you. I've wondered if it is just me... because I did find that one best like minded friend ... a best friend. And I've always viewed girls as having one. But to date, our oldest dd7 sounds like your son. A floater. We came close. When she was in a gifted group last year... but the girl moved. They still call and write. There are always kids saying they are here best friend but... well... Without a grade skip she may not really meet another like mind for a school friendship... or maybe it is still just the age thing. Different best buddies every day last year seemed the norm for all the kids.

????

It isn't a lonely thing for us - yet. But I did recently realize I was always telling her to compromise with friends. But then I realized what I was saying was 'do what your friend wants to do'. Because they don't get playing escape on the underground railroad and then work at a newspaper to tell the story to all.

And to vent on your dime here. I'm tired of giving polite questions to why she is in the grade she is in... or one sleepover guest asking why her spelling words were so long. They are just kids asking kid questions but when it is in front of your kid - inside you just what to smile and say - like it no big deal "honey her brain is just way older than her little body, now move along and eat this popcorn."

And I must now realize I'd be a horrid leader - I barely keep my kids names correct!!

I love this board- so many things that I didn't quite get about ds6 are making sense now! Anyway, my ds is the same way. He asked me the other night if I knew who is best friend was. I asked who and he said "everyone in my class". He has had a couple of close friends but never seemed to click with one specific boy (or girl)- you know, as in always wanting to do something with that one person. This has kind of bugged me because I thought he Needed to have a best friend. But, I'm learning that may just be who he is and if he is ok with it so I should be too!.

My 10 year old son has friends (all older and public schooled) but none that he would really consider close friends. He told me a few days ago that you could even call them "estranged" friends during the school year because he doesn't get to see them very often and they forget about him because they are busy with things like band and other things that he can't participate in because he is homeschooled. Several of these friends will be going to high school next year and one is taller than a lot of adults.

Most of his friends were in his musical theater class and they are all talking about quitting now so that might be the end of any opportunity for socialization with other kids.

I told him that I thought his adult sister thought of him as a friend as well as a little brother because she talks to him a couple of hours every day about anything and everything. I asked him if he considered her a friend and he said it was more like a "forced" friendship. He was not about to admit that he likes talking to his sister.

DS realized a long time ago that the term "best friend" was a loaded term often used with strings attached and not a sign of what he would consider true friendship. For example the phrase "if you sit with her at lunch I won't be your best friend anymore." Anyway, he has lots of friends, but will have nothing to to with a "best friend" --too limiting and too loaded. I think that this happens more with boys than girls, but surely there are exceptions.

In reading my new IAS manual last night I was surprised with the section on relationships.

"A lack of depth in friendships in children is often indicative of intellect"

That's not exact, but you get the gist.

My 2yr old keeps saying 'Fine, then I'm not going to be your friend anymore!' whenever I have to put her in time out or otherwise offer unsatisfactory service.

But seriously, I have definitely noticed ds8 struggling with friendship in general but I think we see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things have turned around partly since he is mixing with kids who enjoy the things he enjoys (for the most part).

ds7 has a couple of kids he is very close too, and considers friends. The rest of the kids at school he sees more as people he knows and is friendly with, a lot of kids know him and are very friendly towards him. He's nice to them, but has told me he looks for someone he can talk to on his level.

A while back I got in touch with the local SENG organization and told them i was searching for a kid like mine. They got us together with another family, they have a boy his same age and the two are now "best friends" and when they are together they are like frick and frack. It has worked out really well.

http://www.sengifted.org/

That is a great to hear, might have to check that out too - here is an article on hg kids and relationships.

*** Link no longer working ***

It says this in the IAS? I might buy it more if it said, "Highly intelligent children commonly don't develop deep friendships". As in, the lack of deep friendships shouldn't be used to determine whether acceleration should not be done due to "social and emotional" reasons.

Uh, yeah, right.

Maybe because the kids are not in with their true peers.

That makes lots of sense to me. That is completely how my DS4 is. He loves people, all different ages. It seems when we go on playdates the other children are a little more excited about him that he is about them. He is a very likeable kid...but has certain friends he acts certain ways with. Some he just runs around with and acts goofy, some he plays board games with, some he builds things with, etc. He is pretty open to new people and new things...but he doesn't get attached. he would never say to me "when is so and so going to come over again" He doesn't miss people and doesn't talk about them much when they aren't around. Although he always knows the names of everyone and little details or facts/stereotypes about them...like "Lily likes princesses, that is all she ever wants to play with or talk about" or things like that. He doesn't seem interested in the whole "best friend" thing.

Although not like him...I too am a very social introvert, and DH is my true best friend. I have some close friends, and friends that I considered "best friends" growing up...but don't really need to be around them much to survive, LOL. And I get along with pretty much everyone and mingle among all different groups. I have always been like that. And I don't think it's a bad thing at all. I don't feel that I missed out.

Austin, you might enjoy the article I posted - it gets into some detail about proactive things that adults can do for kids in these situations, different developmental stages of relationships, etc.
Kind of spells out the 'why this happens' part in ways I hadn't thought of (kids who don't easily connect, not much about kids who do easily connect, which I know is what started this thread! )

The author breaks the kids into three groups. Its starts to get at why kids need a different set of services.

"The highly gifted child having peer difficulties because he or she is advanced over age peers in expectations for reciprocity and mutuality, in moral development and in specific needs for close intimate friends, needs contact with older gifted peers at similar levels of social development no matter what his or her age. Even in preschool years many highly gifted children are ready for best friends and yearn for that closeness and intimacy. These children cannot be happy in a typical preschool class where friendships change daily based on activity needs."

Regarding what Austin highlighted above, my DS4 has recently developed such a close, intimate friendship with a boy at his preschool/daycare that it's making me feel bad for enrolling him in kindergarten early. He'll start kindy next fall, while his friend will stay in preschool. I never imagined I'd have to worry about friends he'd be leaving behind at this age, but these two 4 year old boys make me think of 9 year old girls, the way they giggle at their own inside jokes and seem to be in their own little world whenever they're together. My son is already dreaming about sleep overs, and he's just barely 4. I've wondered if giftedness could explain this, but I have no reason to believe that his friend is gifted.

Even if your ds doesn't have any issues making new friends in the new school, I would make an effort to keep these two guys in contact - it sounds really nice!

This describes me & DS5 to a tee. He does have a boy he calls his best buddy, but he doesn't always play with him at school, etc... and he RARELY asks if he can come over or vice versa. He'd rather go to places like the zoo or museum or library. I have many, many, many friends, and most, especially while growing up, weren't necessarily part of the social network as the others (like stated, the chess friends, the lunch friend, etc).

That's it Dottie, verbatim. There's a whole section above it about parent's groundless fears when it comes to loss of contact with age peers.

I am 100% sure that my DS8 would do the same. Since young, he has never viewed his age peers as friends. He would insist that they are only his classmates. It was only in the 2nd semester of grade 2 that he first started playing with some boys in the school playground. After 4 mths, the thrill (of playing) seemed to dwindle. Now if anyone asks if he has a best friend in school, he can't think of any. But to his teachers, he looked like he can get along with everyone.... including the older kids.
I am still hoping for a day when he can find someone who he can really connect with.

My DD6 gives most of the items she makes or is given from her "friends" to her school principal! She goes to a small school and see the principal a lot around school but it seems strange to me that she would give stickers and drawings and crafts to the principal rather than her teacher or the librarian (whom she adores). I've asked her about it before and she says she just thinks that she would like it the best.