I guess I just want to vent. Or hear others' experiences. DS is 7 and in second grade and has no friends in his class. It just seems so hard for him to make friends. He's not interested in sports, and he loves science. That's pretty much all he wants to talk about; on the 10 minute drive school this morning, he wanted to discuss pollination and bees, the number of moons of different planets and how tumors develop. I find this overwhelming. I can only imagine what his classmates think. He says he can't find anyone during recess who wants to do nature walks--most kids want to play basketball or soccer. He also says he is upset by the children who kill bugs.

It just makes me sad that he doesn't seem to have friends. And this is the first year that it seems to bother him that he doesn't.

Thank you, Portia. I contacted the principal last week about the process for starting a science club at the school. I haven't heard back yet. I don't know who would run it.

Unfortunately, the science museum here has closed. Some branches of the library have science clubs, and I will be taking DS to more of those but I've found they can really be hit or miss.

This is very difficult. We have had the most success with outside activities. A club at school would be great to start, but there may be other opportunities in your area that your son would enjoy trying. 4H, scouts, math clubs, others were already mentioned. I have noticed boys who hang out at the library often are very bright and quirky.

You say your son is not interested in sports, but there are some things out there that he might like that would give him opportunities to invite a classroom kid along and have something in common, like frisbee golf (courses might be set up in local parks), even just mini golf or hitting balls.

I would suggest also asking the teacher which kids at school seem to get along with your son. At this age it is not too late to set up play dates for him.

My DS7 had the same issue when he was in kindergarten. He had no friends and was not interested in talking to anyone. All he was interested was in big English words, word puzzles and geography at the time. I can see why he couldn't find anyone to talk about those topic at school. The social worker at the school got involved and asked him to find a boy from the class that he thought he could hang out with. Then she pulled the two boys out of the regular class and had them play together things like lego, drawing and puzzles. They had fun together. They did not end up as best friends but I think that showed my DS he could find friends with common interests if he wants too. He had a great year in 1st grade in terms of making friends at school. It may take some time but if you can find that "one" like Portia said, that would be great start :-)

He and my DS8 sound like they would be great friends!

How are his social skills? Is he able to approach other kids with some success? When DS6 started having this same problem, it was suggested to us that we could do role playing with him to practice. He may not realize yet that others aren't interested in science. Maybe he could try to identify if someone is doing something he might be interested in, and ask questions about it or ask if he can join.

Also, we remind DS6 often that not all kids will share his exact interests but that maybe they can still find stuff in common. For instance, does he enjoy Lego? Or Minecraft? Or if his main interests are science and nature, maybe he could consider presenting it as adventure and exploration to some other kids? They might be more interested in the same things if slightly adjusted? Is he interested in rock-climbing? Canoeing? Karate? Those can seem pretty cool to kids who know nothing about them.

It would be terrific if he could find another gifted child, whether at school or in your neighborhood. DS6 is becoming friends with another gifted boy in his daycare, and we're really excited about it. They haven't delved into deeper subjects yet, but I can tell that they're both feeling each other out in this respect.

I've even considered asking the school if they could be placed in the same class so that they could do their differentiated work together. I wonder if that's something schools consider. I guess we'll never know if we don't ask!

Good luck!

Video games, movies and TV shows are often a common interest among gifted and non-gifted kids.

There are probably very few kids who want to talk about tumors, gifted or not. It just isn't likely. However, there are probably quite a few who would gladly chat about Pokemon or Minecraft.

I had to explain this to DS a few times. Plus pointing out the difference between talking "with" someone versus turning a verbal firehose on them.

Been there. My son had ZERO friends in junior high. (It doesn't help that he wasn't the most pleasant person to be around then.) I was honestly more of a pain for me than him. I don't have a lot of advice that others haven't already mentioned.

Oh yes, I can relate to this. My DS8 has trouble finding friends as he does tend to "turn the verbal firehose" on them as KJP said! He is very sensitive and tends to give everything and will still try to remain "friends" with someone in his class even if they are being mean to him. He has had a couple of boys he was really close to but sadly they were both from military families and moved away. :'( The last time this happened he told me he wasn't going to say goodbye to his friends anymore because when he does he never sees them again....

Been there too. Things that have worked for us:

Minecraft. Seriously a major icebreaker for non-sporty kids. My kid learned the lingo and was able to talk to most kids about Minecraft, whereas most kids were not interested in his unique interests.

Cub scouts. My DS LOVED being in scouts and while he didn't make a best friend there it gave him a great way to interact with other kids that didn't involve team sports.

Science Olympiad. He really loved Science Olympiad and he and his team partner really got along well (it helped that his team partner was also HG).

Solo sports. My DS does not like group sports. So he takes fencing, and the first day he started the other kid in the class and him hit it off and now they wait for each other by the door for the other one to get there. I can also think that karate and archery might be good too.

I would also suggest you read a book called Eight Keys to Raising the Quirky Child. It was very helpful for me.

jai, you've received a lot of really good advice above. A few other things to consider -

You say your ds doesn't like sports, and that other kids at recess play basketball and soccer. Is it possible your ds doesn't "like" sports because he feels like he's not good at them or doesn't know how a game is played etc? If that's a possibility, you could help him practice with you just a bit (just enough to show him how or help him learn how to kick or dribble etc), and to show him it can be fun. I'm not a proponent of making kids all like sports or making a child participate in something they aren't interested in, but I also think that sometimes we tend to characterize "kids who like sports" vs "smart kids who are into science etc" as two different worlds, when really kids can like and enjoy both. Sports/play has a lot of components that are worth pursuing - health, relaxation, fun, social skills. And chances are some of those kids out there playing soccer at recess also like science - but want to play soccer at recess. KJP mentioned that it might be difficult to find any child (gifted or not) who's interested in talking about tumors - I agree with KJP, but also have a child who would *love* to talk to anyone for hours on end about how tumors develop - but at recess, she's going to be playing soccer, or participating in whatever active group activity is going on.

Have you talked to your ds' teacher about your concerns? Two good reasons to do that - she'll have the perspective on what's going on in class, is he doing ok socially there or does he seem isolated? She can also help pair him up with students in a way that might facilitate him making friends.

Re the science club at school - if it lacks a leader, can you lead it? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to lead an after-school science club, there are a lot of resources for ideas online if you're doing something independent. If you want to do robotics or something that is through a national organization you can get training and support and mostly just need to be an adult who's willing to put in the time and are motivated to work with young children. One thing we did find though, in our school district, was that in order to sponsor/lead a club, we needed to have a teacher at the school who was a co-sponsor and who was present after school throughout each meeting. Even if your school doesn't require that, it might help you advocate for a club if you can find a teacher who would like to see the type of club you want to start at your school.

Last note, my son had difficulty making friends in early elementary. In his case, he had an expressive language challenge that went unrecognized for the first few years of school. It took us a long time to recognize it because when he did talk, he could talk your ear off for hours about really complicated subjects and he sounded a lot like an adult. So everyone thought, hey, he's an exceptionally smart kid (when he was talking) and, hey, he's just the silent type (when he wasn't talking). Once he was in school, he also had teachers thinking, hey, he's socially not adept (when he was alone on the playground) or hey, he's checking out (when he wasn't answering questions in class). Chances are your ds doesn't have anything remotely similar going on, but I think it's important not to frame everything from the concept of having a gifted child, therefore he doesn't fit in - but instead look at it from the point of view of: this child is having difficulty fitting in on the playground (or wherever) - are there any skills that he could learn that will help.

Hope that makes sense!

polarbear

Hi there -- I am relatively new here but thought I would just add my two cents. My DS5 is about to start grade 1, and I have similar concerns about him being "friendless" during the school year. We had him assessed by an OT this past spring and it turns out that his motor skills fall into the category of developmental coordination disorder. He is not the worst case but if you watch him for long enough you will see where he struggles.

One of the things our OT suggested that I do next year is to ask for the phys ed curriculum a week or two in advance so that I can work on some of the upcoming skills alone with DS before the whole class works on them in class. The hope is that the little extra help up-front will give him a bit of a boost in his confidence and skills in order to enable him to participate fully in class. One of the questions the OT asked during the assessment was for him to name some things that he found difficult at school and one of his answers was "finding friends to play with". This broke my heart!! He is an only child and an introvert to boot, so he is used to playing by himself. Obviously, though, it was becoming clear to him even at this young age that making friends on the playground is pretty tough. Other kids don't have the same interests as he does and, to make matters worse, he struggles a bit to keep up physically.

I was so interested to see polarbear's suggestions to the OP on this thread. I am really hoping that working with DS5 one-on-one to come up with strategies for playing certain sports is going to help him not only in gym but also on the playground.

I have no illusions about my son turning in a sporting star but I want him to be able to enjoy being active for the physical and social benefits that can bring.

Good luck to your DS. I find the "no friend" situation to be particularly heartbreaking for these young souls.

One question here. Is your son concerned about having no friends. If he is not I am not sure one needs to be concerned. A lot of kids (Especially boys) I have found are quite happy having a lot of acquitances and not friends.

HJA, that's so interesting that you were interested in my suggestions (ha!)... I was interested that you were interested because... not sure if you've read this in any of my other replies here, but fwiw my ds also has DCD. He really struggled with things like this in early elementary, but he's grown up from a lonely young boy in elementary school to a self-confident young teen. I'll leave out all the in-between details because they get a bit gnarly... but I hope it helps to know there are other parents here who understand and who can reassure you that all the work you do now with your son will make a difference in his life later on.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Big smile from me polarbear -- and big thanks too!! It does help to know others have gone through these challenges and come out all the better for it on the other end.

Thank you so much!

I second minecraft and Legos as social lubricant. Also warrior cats, once he is a bit older.
However, sometimes none of the boys in class are a good fit.
Three options:
finding a good enough fit with a laid back good natured boy with laid back good natured parents and orchestrating fun play dates with trips to places where the kids are kept busy (parks, pools),
checking out whether any of the girls might be a fit (some kids that age won't play with the opposite gender but others couldn't care less),
put him in lots of activities outside school where he is part of a group that is kept busy, to create a common interest to bond about. Lots of suggestions already out there. My kid enjoys canoeing, rock climbing, altar boys. No best friends there, but positive social interaction and being part of a group.

As you may notice, I am big on having the child that is, for whatever reason, an outsider, be part of a group first. Then, only then, IMHO, can the kid work on their social skills. So, you might want to involve the teachers as well, to make sure there is a message that a class is a group working on a common goal and that it's okay to tell a kid: you can play but stop talking about tumours, it's upsetting, as opposed to go away, you can't play because you're too weird.

I also second reading the book "8 ways to raise a quirky child". YMMV on this book. I actually want to start a thread about it if I get around to it. The authors stance is that it is crucial for both social and intellectual development during the childhood years for a kid to interact with age peers and if a child is rejected for quirkiness (in particular for what he calls "depth seeking" - you'll recognise the description) to coach the child on how to adapt to his "breadth seeking" age peers.

I'm still on the fence - I totally agree on his warnings of not letting a child get lost in video gaming because they feel socially safe there, and that close personal interaction with other kids is crucial if only in order to make the child feel happier, if not healthier and smarted or whatever, but he appears to me to place too little importance on fit and the need for acceptance to also come from the age peers, and some validation of the child's depth seeking personalty in the ways it is not just about safety and isolation, but also about genuine healthy interests which may lead to further academic and professional development.
Another book on the topic, "When the labels don't fit" mentions the dichotomy between the need for integrity and the need for integration (not sure about the term used, might have been fitting in or acceptance or something) - some kids are ready to try to change for more social acceptance, some kids are not and how to find the right balance for the kids health and happiness.

If it helps any, DS9 has always struggled some, even though he always had the "at least one friend, and good enough playmates" situation going on - but by fourth grade, things appear to have really clicked, and suddenly his report card/his teacher said "this year, he was truly part of the group, had contacts to lots of kids, had friends to play with and even be silly with".

Thank you all for your responses. This has given me a lot of things to think about and ideas to try. I really appreciate this forum. It really helps to not feel so alone.

Hi Jai,
When my DS was 6, he started at a new school in 1st grade. While he does not have allergies, he hated the smell of peanut butter so he sat at the peanut free table at lunch and made a couple of friends, one of whom invited him to a birthday party. He met some other kids there and then I just worked hard to keep those kids in a play date circle. Eventually this group developed into the scout troop. Fast forward to the 4th grade when I transferred him to an all gifted track school and he had to start from scratch. He would mention a few names of kids he had met and I would arrange play dates with them and keep doing that. I fully admit it took a lot of work on my end but the upshot was I became good friends with the parents of those kids and even though some have spread out to other middle schools now, we keep the kids in touch. He's met new friends in middle school now and I try to get to know the parents of new kids he meets. The kids tend to be like him, too, so we parents understood each other. So here we are in 7th grade and he does not have a bunch of really close friends but he has a little group of maybe 2-3 friends sometimes 4-5 who he hangs out with at lunch.
That's a long way of saying that it took some work. Sometimes the play dates I arranged were not reciprocated but I kept working at it until he found kids who were sort of like him and they generally "stuck".
Good luck!

Oh, my almost 7 year old would looove these conversations - we hear a lot about that during meal times and whenever, really (and need to google quite a bit to keep up). Luckily, his 5 year old brother will often chime in as well (though with less understanding) - by necessity. He also complained that the boys were always playing ball in recess. Too bad there are not more kids like that!

I feel for your son. I was in the same position as he was. This might be callous to say, but if he is encountering the same peer rejection as I was it might be in your best interest to find another school or home school him. Students may not also be ignoring him, but bullying him as a result. Being the target of such will lead to very maladaptive behaviors latter on. Its not uncommon for such kids to go from free spirited and friendly to bitter and explosive. In any case social networking with other gifted individuals is essential.

Aww. So many great suggestions here. I just want to say I hope some of these things work out and you both start feeling better about his situation.

That could easily be my son but he found one kid he clicks with at school and we are so relieved. He's didn't speak to another student for a month and a half into K until he finally made friends with another boy.

I agree that it only takes one positive relationship in some area of life (doesn't have to be school, although that's ideal) and things will get much better quickly.

Picked DS up from afterschool care today and he told me he has no friends in afterschool. We talked through some strategies. He's 6 and was surprisingly open to suggestions. He ended the conversation with "I'm glad I have XXXX to play with during the day." That one relationship seems to be a very big confidence builder.

1 good friendship is more than a million could ever give. Remember, some people appear very social, but in reality have not one real friend.

Ds7 had one good friend for his first two years at school. Then the friend left. That was so hard.

we did a lot of work with our ds from age 5 through 14 or so to find and keep friends; I was thinking he was in pretty good shape the last few years, but still remains not much of a self-starter on maintaining friends - problems persist with differences in interests.
He has pretty esoteric interests in anime, japanese arts and animation technology; interest in philosophy and art discussions which are not too appealing to most 15 year olds.

this year, at 16, he announced that he has people he is interested in being friends with online, and finds them vastly more interesting than those he's met so far irl. they are having the conversations he is interested in and wants to be part of.
at first I was very concerned, but after discussing with the therapist and him a few more times, we are willing to let him reach out to some of these other folks, mostly his age anyway, but with the caveat that he has to keep us in the loop 100%. (he has shown us a lot of their work, before and subsequent to these discussions...working his way up to actually contacting any of them, of course).

I really cannot imagine he will find some other kid at school who is interested in discussing the impact of kurosawa on all other films (across all genres, etc.) or the subtle tweaks to frame rate that an animator might make to give a certain emotional feeling to a character's gait...And so on from there...

so, it's a brave new world, but we are dipping in a toe or two.

I find it so interesting that so far, all posts to this thread are by parents of gifted boys. Is it perhaps because there is such a big divide between athletic vs. intellectual boys?

In any case, we also have concerns for DS6 with respect to friendships. He has been lucky enough to have a really good friend since age 3 but unfortunately for DS6, said boy is very athletic and has been drawn more and more to other boys who play sports. DS6 recognizes this and it's really heartbreaking to witness how helpless he feels to maintain the friendship. It may survive, but it's hard to tell.

That said, DS6 seems to have befriended another boy who is likely also gifted (based on my observations and quick chat with the boy's mother). Fingers crossed that the friendship develops, especially since this boy is in the same after-school program with DS6!

That said, we probably still have years of this ahead of us as well. And it's still heartbreaking when DS6 asks DS5 how he makes friends so easily. DS6 will also comment that it's unfair that everyone seems to like DS5. And it's true that there is a stark contrast between the two!

Puffin that happened here as well. S17 had a good friend 2nd-4th grade. Then that kid left (I knew it would happen) and DS struggled to find finds until H.S. He's still not super social, but he has friends and has managed to make it though jr. high where he had ZERO friends & didn't want to even try. (We had guidance counselors who were very worried about him.)

But he's a different kid in H.S. He even brought a few friends to hang out this summer once he got back from camp. Meet them to go Pokemon hunting.

I feel that the experience of having a best friend once should make it easier in the future. Ds7 isn't so sure.

bluemagic and Puffin,
Same thing here. DS met a kid when he transferred to the gifted school who also a new transfer and was a near twin to my DS both physically (awkward-not really athletic) as well as with regard to their quirks. And I loved his parents who were really kind to my DS. They were good friends for 3 years and then at the end of 6th grade this past summer, he moved to another state.
He's got a very good friend who is a girl and a couple of other friends who aren't close but whose parents also love my DS so they go out of their way to include him in things.