DS was invited to a park playmate's birthday party over the weekend. He had a great time, but I was put into the uncomfortable position by his friend's mom because I had "the smart kid" who will be going to "the smart school."

She introduced me to other adults at the party like this: "This is George, the father of that kid who is going to (well known gifted private school) in the fall! You must be so proud of his accomplishments!"

Wow. First off, I didn't even know that this mother knew anything about that, so I was completely caught off guard. Second, my identity immediately morphed from Anonymous Dad to Dad with Freaky Kid.

I was able to steer the conversion in a different direction, but also felt compelled to explain some private things to this person I had just met. I did help clear up some misconceptions, I hope, but losing the cover of anonymity was hard.

Then again, DS and their DD get along super awesomely and there will likely be many playdates in the future. Maybe it was better for it to simply be out in the open with her mom, as now we won't have to inevitably explain ourselves in the future.

Sorry for any awkwardness, but some may say it's not so much the words as the tone... was it disparaging, tinged with jealously, or just a matter-of-fact convenient factoid to share? The more that giftedness is treated as a normal topic rather than taboo, the better gifted individuals may be accepted.

Don't be surprised if other parents may seek you out over the years to discuss any aspect of giftedness. Including this birthday girl's family... Your son's excellent rapport with this child seemed to indicate that the child may be on his wavelength... as in, may be gifted, also?

All that being said, congrats on going through whatever was required to help ensure these children may continue to enjoy each other's company. This is sure to add more happy memories to their childhoods.

I don't like that this kind of thing immediately treats us and our children as commodities rather than as human beings.

Sorry that happened to you, George.

I can empathize with that feeling, as my son was recently introduced to his friend's grandparents in public as 'that boy I told you about, the one who's super smart' by a well-meaning nice woman who I believe just really, really likes DS and how he inspires her son. It was still bizarre and I was unprepared.

Thanks for the support. It really wasn't awful for very long; it just caught me with my guard down. It definitely is a stark reminder that the general population's understanding of gifted kids (as well as assumed parental motivations for enrolling in a gifted school) is quite low.

Mostly a sense of amazement, possibly a tinge of jealousy, but it was most likely intended to be a conversation starter. I think she sensed how uncomfortable it made me feel, though, and the next time she introduced me to someone, she used a completely different subject to break the ice.

I told her that my kid doesn't usually take a shining like that to another kid unless they share creativity in play together. It worked well as a transition into talking about giftedness in general and how it might apply to her daughter. It sounds like she has a few "tells" that her mom hadn't previously considered. She thought her teachers would bring up giftedness if it were relevant, so I got to discuss how it's often not on a teacher's radar and how parents are usually better at seeing it. We also talked about gifted services available at her school district. So I was successfully able to deflect the conversation away from my kid and his new school...

When I told my spouse about the whole encounter later, she laughed (in empathy) and said, "Oh, you got the 'freak show on display' thing!" She and her parents had been through this exact situation many times when she was growing up. So not a lot has changed.

My mother was a teacher in the gifted program when I was growing up. Her best (worst) story was being approached by a complete stranger at a teacher's conference many miles from home who exclaimed, "Oh, you must be Lizzie Lastname's mom!" (Admittedly, we look a lot alike.)

You are the one referring to your child as "freaky". The friend's mom was praising you and your son. Since intelligence is highly heritable and is highly valuable to society, having gifted children is something to be proud of.

Or highly destructive to society.

It depends on it's application.

The "freak show" comment was tongue-in-cheek, derived from the comment my spouse made.

There are many things about my son that make me proud. Am I proud of him for trying new things when it would be easy not to? Absolutely. Am I proud that he has learned how to channel his empathy in a way that allows him to make friends of all ages really easily? You bet! But getting accepted to a gifted private school? I don't see that as an accomplishment to be proud of. Grateful to have the opportunity? Of course. Proud? No.

Exactly, George. It feels bizarre-- like being "proud" of some other trait that your child happens to have picked up in the genetic lottery.


I'm SO proud of my daughter Susie. She definitely has her dad's blue eyes and my mother's stunning legs, don't you think?

I mean-- if anyone actually SAID something like that-- they'd (rightly) be looked at as a socially-inappropriate loon.

I agree with most of this...when DD11 was accepted into the program DS12 is now attending, she asked me if I was proud of her and I said I am happy for you, but being proud of this (since it's IQ based) would be like being proud of your having blue eyes, or blonde hair.

Not to be hypersensitive (ha!), but I'd take the same angle on the empathy and ease of social savvy, since a lot of people have issues in these areas that are not related to effort and/or character. I think parents of kids with behavioral challenges feel a lot of guilt and feel judged when their children don't share these talents. (Tangent, sorry, it just sorta jumped out at me--see how easy it is to be accidentally offensive/hurtful?)

I reserve my "pride," if that's the right word, for perseverance, acts of altruism, and other things that reflect the values I hope my children are developing and incorporating into their personalities.

My "little professor" (DS12) has always been introduced similarly to what you describe--although that seems to have lessened as he's grown older. I think it's natural for people to find something to identify or label a kid with in these types of situations. I understood the "freak show" to be tongue-in-cheek. I suspect the parent in question had no idea this kind of introduction might be a sensitive topic.

Though even when the person has a more innate ability, they still have to figure out how to apply it, over time, in a constructive way.

With DS, it took him time to figure out how to relate to different types / ages of kids. Even though building up a repertoire of tools to use and figuring out how to apply them in every given situation is something he naturally excels at, it's an accomplishment he should be proud of.

Pride in one's accomplishments can be rooted in one's strengths just as much as one's ability to overcome weaknesses.

Well, my children are constantly getting comments on their hair color from strangers, friends, relatives. I never know what to say.... it's awkward...

"Well thank you - yes I personally picked out those genes for them."

People mean well. I just tell my kids to say "Thank you" and change the subject.

It's so weird to realize how people view you and your family from the outside - recently we attended a big event and I got a compliment for how well my kids behaved. In reality DS spent the whole time clinging to me because he was overwhelmed, while DD didn't eat a thing during dinner and managed her anxiety by playing with putty.

I have tons of socially inappropriate ideas . There is a difference between what you think and can write on an anonymous forum and what you say in casual conversation. Don't parents feel proud when their children are very good-looking? It's not uncommon for people to praise the looks of someone's children, and the parents receiving such praise are rarely displeased by it.

One's choice of mate changes the odds in the genetic lottery, so getting winning tickets is partly a result of good earlier choices, and pride in getting a winning ticket is not irrational.

I am not saying one should boast about one's children about parties, but receiving praise about their accomplishments sounds like a good problem to have.

Great wisdom in those words.

Sounds promising for an ongoing friendship between the two families.

Agreed.

Sometimes I like when it's out on the table right off the bat.

Then I don't have wait for the awkward moment of, "Is your child reading at this age?!" The big eyes, the moment they are wondering if my kid is the advanced one or if their child is behind. Sometimes people look at our art wall and just stare, then look at me and say, "There is no way your child did this artwork by themself!"

This is interesting because as I thought through various scenarios, I realized that I have some distinct different reactions to different situations.

A lot of time, when people who know DD realize that I'm her parent, I get "oh, she's so smart / smartest one in class" or turning to friend or spouse and saying "she's the one I was telling you about who's so smart" or similar. This doesn't really bug me and I usually just take it in stride. After all, she IS smart and it's not really my doing or my fault. In this context, it really is similar to saying "with the red hair" or "the really tall little girl."

On the other hand, I react very differently when people do this sort of thing in group introductions. It's just feels so announcement-like. I'm a private person and I really hate when people do this with any kind of personal information. For example, I went to a dinner at a friend's house with a bunch of other women and she introduced everyone to everyone else by going around the room and telling everyone stuff about everyone's life. All the details were nice and even complimentary -- my friend meant no harm -- but I nearly died on the spot hearing facts about myself broadcast to a room of near-strangers. I think "brilliant daughter" got a mention, but so did a bunch of other things that, while I don't necessarily keep secret, I don't need everyone hearing about from a third person. It just comes across as "let me tell you interesting things about all the interesting people I know."

Gah, sorry for the rant. But I agree with the original poster. I think this sort of introduction should be more like: "This is George everyone, his son is Daniel -- he and Mary met at soccer camp last summer." Then everyone can decide on their own how much to share about their lives and children.

Reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones, "Perpetua, this is Mark, a top barrister..."

I'm not too bothered at this point if it comes up in conversations- what I don't like is when dd's attendance at a test in group that most have not heard of is brought up and then left to me to explain what it is. I guess like your situation only if no one new of the school and you then had to go and explain that it is for gifted kids and yes you really did think it was necessary at age 4 to join up and yes, despite being happy at school she still needs to go

Over time, though, the activities of children become more differentiated by IQ. For example, my eldest son has attended contest math programs in the summer and this year is taking Sunday classes at MIT. It becomes more difficult to say what children are up to without providing indirect information about IQ.

Bostonian, if I describe what DD is up to, that's just fine. She does what she does and if some of that is an IQ 'tell' well, I'm the one doing the telling. My point is that group announcement / intro should be more generic and less personal.

I've come to realize that, while the situation initially made me uncomfortable, the conversation really turned quite productive by the end, and I was glad to have had the opportunity. It ended up raising awareness for gifted advocacy outside of those already on board with providing an appropriate education to gifted children.

I think that sometimes we have to put aside our own personal discomfort to engage in situations that can have a greater positive impact.

I have to say it doesn't bother me. Anyone that is being told about my DD doesn't really pay attention or grasp what they're being told anyway.
I'm sure there's always something about everyone that means they're always introduced that way - all the redheaded, or tall, or sporty kids are probably tired of being paraded as such too
I did have someone talking about how bright I was, when really they meant DD so they corrected themselves "not AvoCado - AvoCado's DD". I did have to point out that actually I was very bright too Can't let DD get all the credit

I don't think anyone meant any harm, and not a big deal. As others have mentioned, as kids get older, you can't hide that the kid is bright. My older two play/played sports where teams post their player profiles online, and they hand out brochures at college showcase events - and these profiles and brochures list SAT and ACT scores. When it is on the Internet, you can't hide it. Most folks are a bit surprised at their scores (since they don't go to school with most of these kids), but the reaction is always positive. Also often followed by, "Are you going to apply to ?"

NotSoGifted, it's not that I was trying to hide that my kid is bright. That's pretty much been impossible since he turned 2. I'm used to fielding observational comments about him from other parents.

For me, what took me by surprise was the implied assumptions about my motivation for sending him to this school...almost as if I'd been planning this for him since birth or something. I guess I would have preferred to hear, "I've heard that's a great place for kids of high ability to go because the teachers really understand giftedness; I hope it works out for him." Because that is pretty much how I actually feel.