Just wondering how you all approach situations where you suspect a child may be gt either through direct observation or parental anecdote, yet the parents deny anything is up. Through my voluntary role in ECE I have come across the odd child who just seems to have it, or their parent has some of the tells of a gt parent and really seems to be struggling. Do you suggest that they look into giftedness or leave it alone.

I'm at a stage where I don't care what people think of me in terms of being secretive but I do worry that if I go round suggesting a child may be gt and they turn out not to be I'll be doing more harm than good. Today I brought up programmes available for a young boy who fit the profile, his mother seemed receptive until she heard the g word then shut down.
I am becoming more involved in the gt community and I'm in a unique position to reach children who would usually go unidentified but I am not a psychologist or teacher. Any tips? Should I just stay out of it?

There was one child in my son's daycare class that made me suspect he is GT - and his mother is aware but in her case, she has done her own research to understand he son's behavior. He has been the only one that made DH and I think he is out there on the GT spectrum while there are others where they could go either way so we don't say anything because at this young age, it is not something I would comment in due to the fact that there does seem to be a hidden stigma against true GT vs snowflake syndrome.

From what little I have seen, it seems like some parents listen when things are not going well and their kid(s) crash and burn. In DS's School, one parent did not clue in even when the teacher was dropping hints the size of easter eggs until she noticed her mild mannered girl had enough and acted out. Another had a child eating clothes out of boredom.

Some of it I wonder is that parents fear the stigma of giftedness that exists today, children who may be smarter than themselves, or who will derail what they (parents) foreseen as their path through schools and beyond. I know it was hard to realize that what we had taken for granted was totally turned upside down... I don't know I would have taken it seriously from another parent as I did from our psychologist - we had a hard time realizing DS was firmly in GT range, not just very bright or maybe, just maybe, MG. Granted, DS is still young, but actions we have taken already and his teachers have validated the reportings by our psych so far.

I once suggested it to a mother who had actually asked my DH (science teacher) for advice, because the kid was treading water in elementary and complaining about it, and the teacher had suggested having him tested. The mother quite liked the idea of having a gifted kid, and did understand the sports analogies I presented (like making a gifted athlete play beginners all the time and never be challenged by a true opponent) until I suggested she might look into the congregated gifted program on the other side of town for middle school, because otherwise he might just continue coasting and being bored.
The shock that having a gifted kid might actually involve some effort on her part to have the child challenged and might mean that she could not continue involving him in her sport the way she was doing now (as in hang out there daily and playing herself) nixed the whole idea for her.
I remember suggesting earlier that the kid should be in gymnastics because he seemed incredibly gifted at that, even at a very young age (even more so than he seemed academically gifted, honestly, I think he might have gone far in that sport) and I was sure she'd be receptive to that, sports being the be all and end all for her after all. She conceded he might be, but that driving him there was just too much work and again, it was so much easier to just have him involved in her sport (where I am sure he is doing very well because he'd do well in any sport but simply does not have the build to go far).
It is odd how someone who is presumably gifted herself, at least in part (one of have few people I've met who could beat me at SET) has such a hard time of letting go of preconceived notions and plans for her life.

I agree that the response from some parents is puzzling to me. There is definitely a taboo out there, but I'm one of those who prefers to talk things out in the open in the hopes that my being honest and open gives others the permission to either do the same or at least the feeling they are not alone. I do this with everything (I'm a total over sharer - might as well put it to good use) so I will talk openly about my struggles with PND, financial ups and downs, parenting struggles etc.


I hope that by just being out there about DD's giftedness (never the LOG) others will get a better understanding of what it is/isn't and I also take care not to brag/humble brag, just very matter of fact.


I know some people find it off putting but overall I'm happy with where I'm at. We had a group discussion about whether IQ was innate and usually I would keep my mouth shut in that situation but this time I spoke out against some pretty offensive and just plain inaccurate "facts" that where being spouted. To my great surprise a good 1/3 of the room backed me up. Who knew?

Out of curiosity what are the offensive facts about innate IQ? Sorry if this has been covered already.

I don't use the g word. I tend to other parents things like "could benefit from enrichments" and "very advanced for his age."

When we are on the receiving end, it can get awkward because we are maxed out on what we can provide for DD. I know people mean well but sometimes, it can get depressing to hear that we aren't doing enough.

Sorry I should have said ignorant comments.... btw this was a training session on children's education.
Basically along the lines that high IQ is valued by the govt and schools are set up to cater for this, that people who think their kid at 4 is something special are delusional, that how can you even test for giftedness anyway when some people might be gifted mechanics or plumbers etc. Basically there's no such thing as giftedness/all kids are gifted....

Mana I take your point - but it's the term we have and I'm using it. Also what I do is refer people to the gifted centre so they can get more information and support - not extension activities.

For eg; yesterday there 3 mums who really appeared to have GT kids based on what they said, 2 clearly were on top of it, we exchanged knowing looks and nothing more was said. No comparisons or anything. The 3rd was talking about how miserable her son was at school and how the school had reached it's limit of resources. I then asked her if she had heard of a program the centre offers and recommended she checked it out. She asked who ran it and I told her the gifted centre. She immediately said oh no my son isn't gifted.

This is a boy who is working 1 year above level and still crying most days after school from boredom. Being a small school they have run out of options - the centre is designed to help this sort of family. Sorry if that's too much info - just trying to better demonstrate the angle I'm coming from.

I also don't use the g word. I don't think it's an accurate concept anyways, plus, everyone should be able to have an optimal learning environment, whether his/her IQ is 99, 101, 129, 131, 144 or 146... I definitely share with parents who are interested about enrichment resources, ways to talk with teachers, organizations, experts, etc. I have never proactively approached someone though, if they feel things are fine, I wouldn't tell them otherwise. :-) For me, this kind of conversation usually starts when a parent complains that a kid is bored at school, or he/she can do so much more but what school offers is so limiting, etc.

On the receiving ends, sometimes people would tell us things that we have tried long ago. That's why I feel awkward because I don't want to appear less grateful than I should be; but I also don't want to say "yes, we tried that and it didn't work" too many times...

All good points to consider thankyou

I know a child who was recommended for GT testing by the teacher, but the parent refused. She didn't want him to think he was special or better than anyone else. People definitely have different ideas about the importance of identifying giftedness so I tend to tread lightly in the area.

All of her children are well rounded (good at sports, academics, music and popular socially) and seem happy so I'm not going to question her parenting decisions. Our regular GT program is kind of weak anyway and they tend to cluster the unidentified but high achieving kids in the same class with the GT kids so it probably doesn't make much difference educationally.

as I stated I'm certainly not going up to anybody and quizzing them on their parenting, just providing honest feedback when someone has seemed genuinely at a loss. I've only done it twice by the way. It's very interesting to hear the negative side of doing this and I guess I'll reconsider my position....

In NZ there are people who think the government supports gifted kids and sets up schools for them?

Ds8 had a friend who probably was gifted. Unfortunately the family was a train wreck in process and the giftedness probably came from the absent, unwell father. There didn't seem much point and the other child was too manipulative (survival I guess) for the friendship to survive. I trued to keep tabs on him but eventually the government stepped in.

eta. I never saw anything and it was PNS that tipped them over the edge. He seems happier now.

I mention it if I know the parent fairly well. In one case a friend's son was having some issues in preschool, and his mom mentioned that he was reading. Kid was 3 1/2 at the time.
I suggested that he may be gifted and it could be contributing to some of his behaviors and difficulties. Two years later his mom told me he tested as exceptionally gifted on an IQ test through his school.
I don't know if people are so reluctant to believe that their child is gifted or, like some of us here, second guess it even when it's fairly obvious. Those of us who do not perceive ourselves as gifted may wonder how it came about. I remember when my DS was a baby hoping that that he would love school, have a lot of friends, and enjoy reading. Gifted only entered my mind when the evidence was mounting high. Of my three initial hopes, guess which one came true?

cammon, I know a few gifted young men who struggled socially as children but as young adults, they have close friends and they seem very happy overall. One of them hated school so much that he refused to go to school half of the time but he is starting his Ph.D this fall.

I think all of your hopes for your DS still can come true.

Thanks mana- I think DS will find his people. He's twice exceptional (ADHD) so his struggles are bit complex.

In keeping with the thread, I had quite a few people remark on DS's intelligence when he was small.

Only *one* person-- an outspoken teenager, mentioned, what are now obvious signs of ADHD. I think she flatly said, "he acts like he has ADHD." I was kind of grateful that someone came out and said it.

I think in the early years, the high intelligence and ADHD were equally apparent.

To be honest I never picked my kids were gifted so it is probably good someone else reached out and told me. Honestly that is just what kids in my family are like.

ADHD runs in my family so I understand. I am keeping an eye on my DD. Sending hugs to your DS.

My reaction is the same even if we now have her test results. I feel people expect extraordinary abilities and achievements if we use the G word so when people tell me DD must be gifted, I reply "No, she really isn't."

Looking back, I do wonder if other parents were reaching out to us because they have gifted children and I shut them down. Next time this comes up, I'll try to listen more.

That was my entrance into the GT world.

When listening to a parent vent, I will often pull the parent aside privately later and say "you know, my family has been there, but the school is now a great fit for my kids. I'm happy to tell you more about what we did to get there. You might find something useful in our tale. Let me give you my phone number." I've done this at least 10 times in the last 5 years. About half follow up. All but one of those ultimately placed into the gifted program, but through alternate ID pathways not otherwise made clear to parents.

She doesn't realise it but another parent has benefitted from me identifying her own child as gifted! DD7 is very mathy and last year, along with another child, was given extension maths with every maths lesson. Her teacher was astute and very lovely and also organised some achievement teaching which put them both at least 2 years ahead, meaning that even the more challenging of the streamed classes the following year wouldn't be enough (and they're not). DD's teacher and I had to really emphasise that her maths was unusual, not just top of the class.

I got DD7 tested to ensure that she was similarly extended this year (it's taken a term, but I think her new teacher needed to get a feel for her abilities herself) and also asked that she continue in the class with her mathy friend. So they're both doing the more challenging work - her teacher's made up a separate booklet for them both.

Her friend's mum is lovely but English is not her first language (although to be fair she speaks 4 languages) and a detailed discussion about it all would be tricky.

Good job!

We've done something along the same lines, back when we had kids in B&M schools. I requested curriculum compacting for a couple of years, and when we finally got it, the teacher took it upon herself to offer it to a couple of other students as well.

I don't have to.

I live in one of those areas that it is possible that at least 30% of kids in a class is at least mildly gifted. I also work with people with Ph.D in fields that is highly quantitative. So I assume most of my friends' kids are at least MG until proven otherwise.

Now, PG or EG is another matter. Those are still rare. But they all have parents who are super aware, I have yet to run into a case that I feel the need to point it out.

I have a few friends who have very gifted kids - who also go through life thinking that school would magically provide 100% of the academic needs of their kids if they bought houses in the best local school districts. These people always tell me that school is "very easy" for their kids and that is because their kids are "very smart". I convinced one of them to finally go to their district and ask about acceleration and differentiation in the 4th grade. They did not understand why anything more than school work was needed and when I convinced their dad that the child should not be bored in class, his mother asked me what the big rush was to finish higher grade level work. They were told that the teachers would test him to see if he required enrichment. I will follow up with them in the summer to see if the testing panned out. This kid is atleast HG+ in my opinion and he has intuitively learned math to a high level - he was explaining the concept of exponential decay as applied to radioactivity from alien mutant attacks at age 8. And I also convinced his parents to send him to the local Math Circle and I am told that he enjoys it hugely.

I also convinced my other friend whose kid is extraordinarily musical and composes a lot of music that Music Theory and Composition classes are a great opportunity to develop his skills. He finds the classes very challenging and has found a mentor through the class who helps him develop his composition skills to a high level.

Very good point. I think it does indeed depend on where one is. Our area is very similar in that parents are highly educated (with a very high percentage holding advanced degrees), schools are considered among the best in the state, and many students would qualify for GT programs. We actually don't have any GT program and one of the reasons is that too many kids would qualify so it makes sense to use an alternative strategy which is for each and every teacher to offer in-classroom differentiation. But the result is pretty poor for a variety of reasons.

It also depends on the culture of each community. I hardly ever hear local parents mention the g word. We do talk a lot about how to "challenge" the kids and let them "develop their full potential" and "learn at their pace".

In our old area, like Thomas Percy, was one of those enclaves of highly intelligent and ambitious people who really didn't need to be told. It is actually fascinating to look back and realize how many times some kid DD really clicked with turned up later in a gifted activity.

But really, it's like Fight Club: the first rule of parenting a gifted child is you don't talk about parenting a gifted child. Unless, you know, somebody else does first.

Love the fight club analogy and totally agree. I have brought it up on a couple occsasions but I don't start with gifted. I do often share that school is a disaster for DS when I'm around other parents that I feel will understand the code and see if they pick up on it. DS often sticks out so knowing him most people quickly understand how school isn't exactly a great fit.

Among homeschoolers the code is "Homeschooling gives her the chance to really pursue her areas of interest."