DD recently shared that in an enrichment school situation where a special topic that she knows a great deal about was being discussed, she chose not to raise her hand most of the time, to let other kids have a chance. (She knew she knew the answers.) DH praised her for being mature and thinking of others. I disagreed with his comments. I'm curious what you all think. Let's say your child is the one who could raise his or her hand...every time. What do we think of that child's behavior? Should he or she think of others and "chill out" sometimes, or not?

As an aside, my DS added to this conversation that he sometimes chooses not to raise his hand after he answers a few times because he knows his teacher won't call on him any more. I felt this was slightly different. Maybe.

I think it shows social maturity considering that 1) she is able to "read" the situation and see what is going on and 2) that her reason is to give the other kids a chance.

This is certainly something that adults learn to do. Say one person dominates a conversation at a party. People would be more likely to be annoyed at him/her than a person who gave their thoughts but asked and allowed others to share.

As long as she's still raising her hand often (meaning, perhaps once a class or so), it seems fine. That's assuming that the teacher isn't expecting the show of hands to tell him/her who knows the answer.

It might be worth mentioning to the teacher.

I think this is a very complicated question, actually. Both my kids do this (intentionally stop raising their hands). Have for as long as they have been in school.

Sometimes it is the situation your DS describes. Sometimes it is social preservation- nothing like answering every question to get the class bullies on your case. Sometimes it is truly to give others a chance- I think it really depends on the specific class and situation. Usually, my kids know that the teacher knows they know the answer. So unless it is furthering the class discussion, they don't feel like they need to volunteer; in those cases, the teacher will call on them if they need the answer provided and no one else is stepping up, or capable. But often, they don't feel the need to answer, and let another kid do it.

Does this bug me? Not because they are thinking of others, and the class dynamics, because I think overall this is actually a good thing. What bugs me is that it is pretty much a given that they will know most if not all of what is being asked. But that is a much different problem, if you know what I mean. And truthfully, as they get older, class time consists more frequently of nuanced discussions than specific questions, so this has become much less of an issue. But i feel your pain.

I think it's nice that she is thinking of others and showing social knowledge. However, I feel it is the teacher's job, not the child's, to ensure that everyone has a chance to be heard. I just cannot praise my child for keeping silent and hiding what she knows. I think many girls do this in middle school and high school, to their detriment. Of course, you don't want to be an obnoxious know-it-all, but in this case DD raised her hand for one out of 10 or more questions that she knew every answer to. BTW, when I asked who did answer them, she said one boy dominated the responses.

I agree with you, UM-- but I'd add that in some high LOG children, this is also a matter of profound asynchrony in social development, as well.

I'm reluctant to call that a bad thing, however, since they NEED those social skills in order to have a more easy path throughout their lives. Effectively, the ability to adapt socially is an incredible ability in a person who is very far from normative.

So the other child who did dominate? Well, in terms of social interactions, that may have consequences too.

It mitigates a lot of the rough edges on the mismatch to be able to act as a chameleon or make others less uneasy with us. Provided that it isn't all the way into "patronizing" or "manipulative" I mean-- as it certainly can be, in a child who is facile enough in this respect. It can be a kind of lying, even. I know that my own DD never really saw it that way until we pointed it out to her-- and afterwards, she was more willing to demonstrate her knowledge. She did have to find more pro-social means of doing so, however. She was never ever going to be the insufferable curve-setter who "knew everything" all the time-- not because she wanted to be liked by her classmates, but because she genuinely wanted to take nothing away from their learning and reinforcement opportunities. So she figured out that in cooperative settings, she could facilitate other peers' learning without just presenting what SHE knew already. Does that make sense? This kind of thing is much easier in inquiry-driven settings than in classic tell-and-respond ones.

Yes, this is what I was trying to get at- perfectly stated. Another way project-based settings can work better for kids like ours. And it doesn't necessarily mean that they are only facilitating, either. It's more of a two-way street than you would think, often in surprising ways,

This was my attitude from K on. I didn't get any sense of accomplishment or worth from answering questions, and I only saw real purpose in sharing my thoughts if it would move the conversation forward. If it was clear that no one else was going to answer, then I'd raise my hand so we could move on. Other people clearly enjoyed answering, so why not let them?

DS7 has so far been in the habit of trying to answer every time, and then gets corrected for blurting out answers if he isn't called on. But he is the type to go "internal" and angry if this happens in a way that humiliates him. Fortunately, this year, he has a teacher who is adept at correcting without humiliating. He doesn't have your daughter's empathy - you must be very proud of that!

One thing I've started trying to do for DS is talk to him about waiting through the "little answers", the one word answers, etc. That way, when the teacher gets to a big answer he can use his turn to talk to her about this more interesting point. And this is usually a "synthesis" point when there aren't many hands up anyway.

So, e.g., if they are talking about air - he could skip answering (a) what is in the air that we need to breathe in? Oxygen. (b) what gas comes out of our lungs when we exhale? Carbon dioxide. (c) what gas do plants need to take out of the air? Carbon dioxide. (d) what gas comes out of plants when they "exhale"? Oxygen. (e) so, if you were going to be locked in a chamber with food and water but only a certain amount of oxygen, how could survive? Bring plants in with you - because you exhale what the plants need and they exhale what you need. So a, b, c, and d are little questions. And DS7 should wait for the big question - (e). And then - let's make a terrarium!

Anyway - this is pretty sophisticated, and I doubt DS will get it any time soon. But I think it's worth introducing the idea. And your DD seems a little more savvy on classroom flow. So she could probably already tackle this! Just wait for the point when the questions get harder and the other kids drop out of the hand-raising queue.

Sue

Oh wow - I just realized my post was repeating an idea others already offered. Sorry!

NO...don't appologize I liked your post!

I agree that it seems the teacher could utilize better classroom management techniques to encourage more equal participation.

There is a difference between being brash and blurting out answers if not called on, and raising one's hand indicating a willingness to contribute to the classroom discussion. Is it possible that the situation of one boy dominating the responses was like the experience shared by another poster, in which their son speaks out of turn but is not corrected publicly on the spot?

Raising your hand every time is not a problem shouting out your answer is. But it can get a bit tiresome putting your hand up and never getting called. At university I took it one step further and only answered questions in tutorials when I wasn't confident of my answer. Not the best approach at primary school but I think my lecturers understood (or they thought I was a complete idiot).

Exactly.

Yes, and then there are the teachers who will only call on certain students when their hand is NOT raised. ugh.

Just to be clear about how DS7's teacher handles it when he blurts - she does correct him on the spot, just not in a way that humiliates him.

It's more like "DS7 - I'd like to give OtherKid a chance to say what he thinks. Then we'll get ideas from others, including you."

It's less like "DS7 - you are being so rude and disrespectful. Why can't you behave like the other kids."

And another important point - when he raises his hand, she does come back to him for his thoughts after other kids speak.

This is 180 degrees from Evil Kindergarten Teacher. And it has actually allowed him to grow and improve his impulse control instead of having him spiral more and more into unhappiness and lack of control.

Blurting and interrupting are not OK. Not blurting and not interrupting are learned skills, and harder to learn for some kids. I'm so glad DS has a teacher that will teach him "not blurting, not interrupting" rather than just scold and humiliate him for not having already learned it.

Of course - this doesn't stop other parents from rolling eyes and treating DS and me like pariahs. But that's another topic!

Thanks for clarifying. This sounds ideal! Wish everyone took this approach.

just a simple idea - maybe dd can count to 3 or 5 before putting up her hand. Gives the other kids time to show they know the answer (without the "knowitall" beating them) but also lets the teacher know she is following and potentially has the answer.


I like suevv's answer about the little and big questions though.

I think a chat with the teacher would be valuable, she might be able to come up with a strategy that works with everyone. I'm having a time with DD4 now who doesn't like to show she can do well at music and gym so she's missing out, I think we are making progress by just telling her that the teacher/coach isn't a mind reader and can't be expected to know dd is great at it.

I have to say that I am in agreement with your DH. DS & DD both figured out pretty early on (end of K to 1st) that it makes more sense for them to volunteer when they have something potentially unique to say or if other kids are stuck rather than constantly keep their hands in the air. The exception is when it is a contest situation and/or prizes are being offered. I was somewhat surprised when DS volunteered in K that nobody likes a smarty pants and it isn't necessary to try to hog all the questions. I kind of didn't expect them to figure it out until 2nd. Actually, if they hadn't figure this out by 4th grade, I probably would have had a talk with them because that appears to be the grade when kids tend to ostracize certain kids.

However, this doesn't mean that they do not speak up or that all the other kids and teachers can't tell that they are knowledgeable. DS actually talks a lot but he leaves all the easy questions for the other kids. DD waits until the wrong/incomplete answers annoy her and she wants to move the class along. It's a question of picking the best moments and giving other kids a chance to shine.

"Wish everyone took this approach."

Oh boy - so do I. I'm not saying it's all roses between DS and this teacher. But she really, truly works with my son and knows good strategies to support him and bring out his best. It's probably relevant to point out that she has three sons - and two are on the spectrum.

I know we can't hope for this every year ....

Of note in this particular situation...other kids were stuck, mostly offering wrong answers. The one other boy was correct.

Also, this area is DD's passion. I guess that was what shocked me. Maybe I should be shocked at her maturity...she is not generally mature. Instead, I wondered if she has learned all too well the lesson of "Don't stand out."

DD is also not a child who is problematic in this way. If anything, she is a quiet hand-raiser who puts her hand down too easily. She used to be a know-everything...I think she stopped a while back.