Hi,

my son was pretty excited about going to Duke TIP camp. He did their talent search in 7th grade (a year ago, now in "8th") and qualified for a "Center." He is currently at the camp and is miserable! It is his first time away from home, but the day is super scheduled, and having been home schooled, well he went to Stanford's online high school, he is used to a more flexible schedule, and having more alone time. They have been very flexible, excusing him from group activities in the evening if he needs alone time, but he just sounds so down and miserable. And, he is not enjoying the class very much. It is a bit of a disappointment for both of us. He has 2 more weeks and I have plane tickets to leave in 2 days! I am not sure if I should pull him or let him struggle through to resolution. He is 14 btw. Any suggestions/advice welcome.

How long is the program? If it's a month then that is a long time to be away from home for the first time. My DS15 has been going to sleep away camp since he was 9 for only a week, despite being shy & introverted and has always LOVED it. But the camps I send him to are wilderness, outdoor things not academic camps. Most of his camps are still only two weeks. He has gone longer but to stay with his grandparents and then a sleep away wilderness camp.

As to what to do it's hard to really advise you. Going out to see him probably will give you a better idea of how to judge how miserable he really is. Have you had a chance to talk with any teachers/counselors? What are there perspectives on it? Does he seems happy in the day, just very exhausted and upset in the evening? Or does he just seem miserable all the time. How does he get along with the other kids?

Keep in mind that you as a parents are someone "safe" to complain. So you may be getting a bit of a odd perspective. On the other hand I always believe my children when they say they are very unhappy, even if I don't always capitulate to all their wants. If I was to do so my DS would do nothing else but play computer games the entire summer.

Also keep in mind that stuff happens. Not everything works out the way you expected. We learn from mistakes and it's not like if you do pull him out of this program there would be any major long term repercussions. It's an experience you can learn from and move forward.

Good Luck.

You've received great advice in the post above. I'll just add a few thoughts.

In general, keeping the kiddos scheduled and busy can be a great antidote for being homesick. That said, it is wonderful that the camp is flexible in granting kids' requests for unscheduled alone time.

In your son's requested unscheduled alone time, does he tend to journal? Writing can open a door to reflecting on the day and help a person weigh the positives and negatives, sort through things, and gain clarity.

Have you ever had a vacation which kept you so busy that you felt a need to rest up after returning home? Camp can be that way as well. Looking back over the years, in memory, the vacation or camp may be regarded as a positive wonderful time, but if asked about each day as it was occurring one might mention sore feet, sunburn, mosquito bites, a food they did not care for, one loud person, etc., any occurrences when they wished they had a bit of extra support, understanding, or TLC.

In speaking with him, you may wish to ask what were the three best things in his day and any stand-out worst things in his day. He may even rate them on a scale of 1-5 or 1-10, etc. These types of conversations may help both of you gauge the range of his experiences.

Does he miss his friends at home? A supply of stamps and picture postcards to write may provide a sense of connection and an opportunity to begin making plans to get together after camp.

Parents can miss their kids and their family routine, and kids may pick up on this causing them to feel they should be at home. Planning a special activity to look forward to "after camp" may help alleviate ambivalence about camp.

Finding the positives in a variety of situations is an acquired life-skill. Knowing if something is terribly amiss and potentially unsafe is also an important life skill.

Sending good wishes to you and your son, that whatever you decide will help build happy memories of this summer.

Duke, I think, has a lot of info. on gifted students. This is an excellent time to ask them about what your child is experiencing, to know more, scientifically. The sensitivity thread runs through a lot of posts.

So maybe Duke next summer could have at least two options - one for people who never want to be alone and one for people who want alone time (broad generalizations).

For the moment, you really have to know your teen - is it so bad that coming home is the only option, are there better arrangements to be made like a nearby off campus house with a host family. How much negative emotion will the student feel coming home ahead of schedule. Regret can be problematic because you might not know how strongly you might feel it until you are feeling it.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing negative emotions as long as you have supportive people around you. The trouble is if you have family members who don't like too much emotion for too long and they just want you to hide the emotion. You clearly allow your child to talk and show emotion.

Go with whatever the gut instinct is. If you know about it, it must be bad from the teen's perspective. See if you can figure out the worst parts and fix them. Ask the teen how bad it is for them and try to gauge is it a 10 out of 10, then come home and be proud of yourself for trying in the first place.

I had a situation like this with one of my dcs at a different gifted camp. The dc toughed it out, but I wish I had brought dc home. I'd say it depends on what you and ds hoped to get out of the camp. Was he excited about the promise of high-level academics but is finding the level not very challenging? (That happened to my dc.) Are the peers a problem in some way? My dc had such a disappointing social and academic experience that in retrospect I should have just said "that's it." Instead, I overweighted finishing the thing to avoid regret. But I will say that the situation in my dc's camp was particularly bad, including a lack of supervision (nominal supervisors were tired/sick/MIA). We homeschool too, so some of it was just the kind of "school" vibe dc wasn't used to, meaning a high level of social competition and relatively low academic expectations despite the camp's promises. But dc and dc's sibling have both gone to other camps and have done just fine, so in retrospect I would have just said, eh, not for us.

We process differently. I read your post and had it in the back of my mind. All of a sudden, I process it with an emphasis on the fact that your child is a homeschooler and that camp TIP might not be GT but tech, info., programming. Now, I see your problem more clearly, but it took me days to process and the processing was aided by an experience we had yesterday. We are really trying to figure out how our brains work and especially why people who are as genetically connected as a nuclear family still have differences that can seem vast.

That camp is not geared for the gifted student, let alone the homeschooler. I would definitely take the child out. People want to change us. I think it's hardwired. This type of brain doesn't change even though they are bombarding society saying you can change your brain. So, maybe they really don't understand the brain, yet. I am sorry your child had a bad experience. Just be there for him while he tells you about it and breaks it all down for you in detail.

So, people would tell us we have to be in the world the way everyone else is. Then, we wouldn't be us. We want people to accept us for how we are and say that it is okay to be different. Let diversity really be a strength. Let us be around people the way that works for us.

There is no right thing. I have noticed there is a point at which I adjust to an environment and it becomes easier - I thought I was going to go crazy the first few weeks I was in a student hostel but it was fine. I would never have adjusted to sharing a room though.

He may feel bad if he comes home and bad if he stays. Could you visit and make the decision on what you see? Or are your tickets in 2 days to go somewhere else?

I do think if he can he should stay but not if he is really unhappy.

Have you called anyone at Duke to ask about their perspective on how he's doing? I'm sure that there are camp leaders he sees every day.

What are the financial consequences? How expensive is it?

Im not sure I understand the issue about plane tickets - are you leaving to go somewhere or are they plane tickets for you to travel to visit the camp?

I have a ds that's the same age and a dd 2 years younger. My kids aren't homeschooled but dd just went to her first sleep-away camp this summer and the first week was absolutely miserable for her. Being away from home the first time can be challenging and a bit of a let-down after looking forward to all the things that are exciting about camp. My dd was sooo excited to be going with friends and about certain aspects of the camp itself that she didnt think ahead abt howshed feel, for instance, if she didn't like the food etc. She had something happen the first day that was a bit of an issue and another thing on the second day, and she was so homesick with the combinationof those two things and just general getting used to camp life that she begged us to let her come home for most of that first week. I almost went and got her! But the best thing I did was to first email the camp director to be sure she had help with the thgs she was upset about, and I sent her an overnight care pkg with treats, and I made sure I was thee to answerr my phone when's he called during call hours andI listened. It was hard to NOT let her come home but in the long run, e second week of camp went better because she learned a few survival tricks re how to cope when things are not all rosy and fun, she made some new friends and realized she wasn't the only homesick kid there, and she started to see the fun things that were there instead of only focusing on thethings she didnt like. In thelong run I believe shelewrned something equally as important as anything shecould have learned in her camp classes by sticking it out - she learned that she could stick with a dificuot situation, that it wasn't all bad, and she learned that she was able to make a not-fun situation better by how she approached it (attitude was a big part of it). She also learned how to rherein others (camp counselors) for help when she didn't have easy-direct-access to parents as a default. When camp was over she told us she was really glad she'd stuck it, and that she did not want to go back there next summer, but she was glad she went this one time.

The things I learned from her experience were:

1) It isn't easy to go away from home that first time. But it's also doable and your child will get through it. Knowing that they CAN get through it will give them confidence in future summers when other camps or opportunities come up that they would really like to participate in.

2) as the parent you are probably hearing all the worries, anxiety and negative experiences, but the might not be the full picture. Talking to the camp counselor or contact can be really helpful both infringing out what's really goingon(full details) plus chances are the camp counselors really want to do what they can to help your child have a good experience. If you have an idea of something that would help your child, chances are they will do it for you, as long as its reasonable.

Sorry if O have typos,and words squished together - I'm typing on my iPad and I'm not very efficient at it!

Best wishes sorting through what to do -

polarbear

Thank you all for great advice and feedback. He made it two weeks (out of 3).

Today he went home for a home visit with my husband (I am out of town), and broke down. He seemed to adjust for the two weeks, but was quite distraught today. I am returning tomorrow early from my trip and he will not return to camp.

In hindsight, this was a very expensive experiment. Going from home school to 3 weeks away just wasn't a good fit. The Duke people really tried to accommodate, and I think if we had chosen his course better, it might have been different. I really thought he would love being away from us!

I am concerned his independence will be "set-back" but he is quite comfortable doing most other stuff without us, it was the lack of coming home that seemed to bother him.

In most cultures, children/adult children don't leave the home until they get married, even after college! In South America, Europe, Asia, and most parts of the world this is true. We mock this in our culture, even though we are the anomaly. Next summer he will be getting a job!

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear it didn't work out for him. I agree that it was probably tough going from never being away at all to without parents to 3 weeks for the first time. Sorry to hear it was so rough for him, sounds like it just wasn't a good fit.

As to kids leaving home I think it totally depends on the kid. Both my kids love getting away from home and it does them a lot of good learning to be independent from mom. (My son can't wait to start camp in two weeks.) My daughter choose to go to college on the other side of the U.S. but she does spend her summers at home and I expect she will move back with us for at least a while after graduating. And while many culture don't push for kids to move far away or leave home, there are just as many that expect kids to be completely on thie own by 18. What works for one kid/family doesn't work for them all. Honestly, I think this is partially an economic issue.

Thank you for telling us how it went. I am sitting here feeling very very proud of your son even though I don't know you or him. It isn't brave to go away if it is what you enjoy and you want to do. It is incredibly brave to go away when it is well outside your comfort zone. He made it, not for a day or two but for two weeks! That is fantastic. It is an achievement on every level. And it will make it easier to go away again, even for much shorter periods, because he knows it is ok to come home if he wants to. Well done to all of you. It is not easy to watch our kids stretching themselves. Take a deep breath. Give him a cuddle and pat yourselves on the back.

Not leaving home until you get married doesn't mean never going away for a week or three though.

Been thinking of this post and wanted another way to explain things. I am sure it's very disappointing for all of you that this particular camp didn't work, and frustrating because of the price. I like to think of these things as a learning experience and move on. You don't need to go to extremes and assume that because this situation didn't work that he will want to live with you till he is married.

My analogy for what it's worth. I am teaching my kids to cook a meal. (Having them choose what to cook, cooking the entire meal.) I consider this an important life skill. Say my son chooses to cook something that is expensive & complex and it gets ruined. The food is burnt, and completely inedible. And we have to eat PB&J or go out to eat. We are all justifiably hungry and frustrated, and disappointed that night. The ingredients were expensive and we were looking forward to the meal. Multiple possible things went wrong, maybe I didn't supervise enough, he wasn't ready for something so complex. Do I look at this situation laugh, decide it's a learning experience, re-evaluate how will will change things the next time he cooks and encourage him to keep trying. Or do I decide my son will never learn to cook. And justify it because boys don't need to cook anyway, they don't in many places around the wold it's only our culture that thinks boys should cook.

I'm not saying that a job next year might be the right thing for your son, and no I probably wouldn't sent him back to this camp. I am just trying to say, learn from this mistake and support your son. I find we often learn more from things that went wrong, than the things that go right. Kids/teens grow non-linearly and while this wasn't the right thing at the right time. Pulling him out and having him trust you that when things get bad you have his back is important. In another year or two he will probably be a much more mature teenager. Maybe find some less expensive, shorter way he can be away from home for a period of time when he is ready. Maybe a trip to a relative on his own, or a weekend camping trip with friends.

Well, I most certainly do see the two weeks as a success, not a failure! We have consulted our family psychologist who has know him since he was 5 and was the first to identify him as PG. And, he will follow up with him and figure out the best way to frame this for his own growth.

It is hard when you have the mind of a college student/graduate student in the body of young teen! We do the best we can.

He spent a week at my sisters house with his cousins this past winter break, flew by himself, and did great! Also, he petitioned heavily to attend boarding school this coming year! We visited 3 schools and he was accepted to all 3. We actually have been putting off a decision because my husband is changing jobs, and, we wanted to see how this experience went : )

I didn't mean to imply that "that is it," he is home until he is married! Just that the ideal (or the norm) of independence isn't cutting the cord at 18 and that is that.

I do appreciate this forum! I also appreciate my intelligent, intense, quirky, unique, son! Got home last night, cutting my travels by 4 days, and we all had a great night, and it is nice to fall back into our rhythm. I love our family.