I realize that my thread title is, by definition, redundant.

Over the last few weeks, DS22mo has been displaying more signs of the same emotional OE I tend to exhibit. He is an extremely empathetic child and seems to be internalizing the emotions of characters in books we read, particularly. These are innocuous stories, though I do understand how he could be upset.

He usually indicates his discomfort by saying, "I don't like this book/song/video" and asking to nurse or snuggle.

Here are some recent examples of points of tension that have caused him to react:

- Paddington Bear slipping in a bathtub and struggling to get out
- A little girl's kitten gets stuck outside in a thunderstorm, and the girl worries all night about her pet
- A mother tiger goes on a hunt, a forest fire breaks out, and she is delayed in being reunited with her cub
- A version of row-row-row your boat featuring a crocodile in the water

I'm trying to label emotions, give lots of hugs (he's usually in my lap or snuggled against me when we're reading, anyway), and talk about how it's okay to feel sad/afraid/lonely. He's too young to get into a deep dialogue of how characters feel, though he does usually give an accurate one or two word description of the character's emotional state. (e.g. "I think she's sad.") If he's really quite upset, we stop the book and I flip to the end to help him see how the conflict resolves.

Is this just something we have to wait for DS to grow into? I'd love to hear your suggestions.

My two, DD in particular, were really, really (really!) prone to emotional OE. Five was a particular rough year for DD (read: OH.MY.GOD.) I thought I was going to go crazy.

It's much better now (she's 10). However it has been an arduous road, riddled with landmines...

(sigh)

Hang in there - it gets better

My middle child was very good at self filtering what she would read or watch, and still is pretty good. Mostly we just let her self monitor without comment. It did happen more with tv than books, mostly because she watched wayyyy too much tv from 3-5yrs as I was so incapacitated, first by the pregnancy from hell and then the sick newborn who never slept. Anyway, for us, lots of cuddles when wanted and self filtering.

When our youngest gets scared by fairly innocuos things I ask if she thinks it will end badly and if she says "No" that's usually enough for her to keep going and see what will happen.

You are at a tough age. I agree with others that it does get better. For my most emotionally OE kid, it helped to let her see the end of the movie or read the end of a book so that she could see that things turned out "OK" for herself. Watching the movie or reading the book then turned into 1) Everything turns out OK 2) Let's see what the problem was (we went through how most every story has a problem or conflict) 3) How did they solve the problem. At 11, she still does this occasionally. I'm not sure how things will work once we get into high school and books don't always have happy ending.

Yes, you may need to tell him how it turns out, skip that part, etc.

With DD, we were mostly past this at...um...9? Sorry.

DS5 is still in this phase, although it's not as bad as it was with DD. He's mre easily scared than prone to attacks of existential melancholy. However, he recently burst into sobs at the end of Amos and Boris, by William Steig. (Of course, I also find this book emotionally affecting, so.)

I would say, though, that you probably don't need to go crazy and limit yourself to completely innocuous everything. Try to get a sense for exactly what triggers him. For my DD, anything where families/loved ones are separated or animals or innocent creatures die or seem like they may die was a complete disaster. However, generalized peril was okay, even battle, and scary creatures were fine. For DS, monsters are a big problem, along with the same things DD doesn't like, but again, battles and fighting don't bother him.

Oh boy, yes, been there. I agree with what the others have said both about telling them what happens/skipping to the end and about the odd selectivity of what gets to children sometimes. (Well, same is true for me too, come to that; I can take some things in my stride and be poleaxed by something apparently much less, and I wouldn't be that good at predicting which things would get to me, even now, I think. It probably depends on my internal state as much as on the things. Although there are certain things that get me every time... can anyone else read aloud or hear read the end of The House at Pooh Corner without dissolving into tears? I can't, which is embarrassing as they use it as a reading at DS's school end of year service every year!)

Sounds as though others did the same as I did: try not to set limits on what DS read because of this, but let him opt out as necessary.

At 9 it's much better, I agree. But it got worse rather than better for quite a while after 22 months, I'm afraid!

Love You Forever is the one classic that DD has never had me read to her...

because I dissolve into undignified SOBS by the end...


It's (IMO) hard to know what is OE's versus developmentally normative at 22mo, I think. DD is not particularly OE this way-- but she went through an "anxious/fearful" period at about this age.

The difference between that phase in her and in friends' children was that she had a better grasp on fantasy/reality and so her fears were the kinds of things that much older children and even adults would have been concerned with... so they were that much harder to defuse since you couldn't just rely upon "do you think that could really happen?"

The problem was that she COULD actually be hit by a car... or lose a parent in an auto accident... or get lost in the grocery store... etc, etc.

Omgosh, ME TOO!! lol. That book gets me every time.

Thanks so much everyone for letting me volley this question to you. I'm trying to be as comforting as possible and I wanted to see if my approach passed your smell test. Your commiseration and kind comments are heartwarming.

I really like knute's suggestion to reveal the ending and then work through the story to understand how the tension was resolved. I think DS easily gets swept up in the momentum of the story and is heavily immersed in perspective-taking while we read. He often animates his toys with his own thoughts and feelings (e.g. "Excavator is bothered by that noise", "Monkey prefers to drink almond milk"), and I'm seeing him take on the persona of characters in the books as we read.

For instance, in a storybook we read about robots yesterday, DS became upset when a robot was kidnapped by a silly mad scientist. He (DS) said, "I don't like that. I'm scared." So, the concerns range from the more remote and scary, like being kidnapped, someone special going missing, or parent-child separation, to the more quotidian, like not being able to get out of the bath tub. He definitely doesn't have the maturity to assess the probability of remote tragedies.

One thing I've been trying to do is turn scary moments into funny offshoots of the story. So, for the bathtub, I asked DS if he thought Paddington would be upset to be stuck in a big vat of marmalade (ala Winnie the Pooh getting stuck in the honey tree). What if he had a trapeeze and could swing out of the tub? Or what if he overfilled the tub then floated out of it? Then I act out these scenarios, sometimes I draw a picture of the silly alternative ending, etc. Let's just call my visual and dramatic arts skills somewhat subpar.

And re: tearjerker books, my top-3 avoidables are "The Velveteen Rabbit", "Love You Forever", and "The Giving Tree". Those are way too poignant to be read with dry eyes. I don't remember the end of "House at Pooh Corner" well, though I do remember finding it sad as a child. I have my fair share of emotional OE.

Oh yes. DS, now 3.9 has been like this for as long as I can rememeber. Countless books we couldn't read because they made him so upset. Could be anything from a car getting stuck in the mud to someone looking angry. Ds would feel so sorry for the car that he started crying telling me to put the book away. Always wondering why someone is looking angry or sad, getting very involved.

It does get better. An example. There was a book we used to read that was about different animals saying goodnight to their babies. The last page was a human boy laying in bed. DS might have been 15 months at the time and started to cry even before I had flipped to that page, anticipating. I never understood WHY that picture made him so upset. Fast forward to about a month ago. I found the book showed it to DS. He immediately smiled and said "Remember how I used to think that boy was crying!" So more that 2 years later he still remembered the feelings and finally, I got the answer to WHY he had been so upset.

Not to say that it all goers away with age. He is still super emotional but can express it so well now since he understands his feelings better. I think they just learn to DEAL.

I'm sure I've told the story here before, but my DD was completely devastated/horrified by The Giving Tree when read it in preschool. Hysterical sobbing. I actually hate that book.

Your quote: If he's really quite upset, we stop the book and I flip to the end to help him see how the conflict resolves.

This works when a child is still very young, but eventually you'll find that they will need to develop a "thicker skin" no matter how sensitive they are. That means making them wait through the story no matter how concerned they are.

When your child enters school and is confronted with bigger kids who tell him we are on the verge of a nuclear war, how will he cope?

Just something to think about for his future. It's our responsibility to slowly "de-sensitize" our kids so that they aren't under a "red alert" constantly.

P.S. My son (6.5) still cries over the video that teaches Stranger Danger. We DON'T let him watch any news. I know when he begins school next week and is mixed in with other big kids (non-graded charter), he's going to be in for a tough time. I wish we had more time to help him acclimate to our unstable world.

**hugs**

So true. One would think watching Charlotte's Web would be a positive experience.

Not so true...especially when one lives on a farm/ranch where butchering of animals is reality.

I told DH that DS may one day declare himself a vegetarian/Vegan. He was less than thrilled, but who cares? Whatever works for DS is okay with me.

If Charlotte's Web was upsetting then my diagnosis is that the kid needs more bacon and egg breakfasts j/k LOL

If there is one that thing that I have seen bring vegetarians 'back into the Light' it is bacon. Good homemade pancetta is even better

Bacon is a gateway meat.

My DD8 first saw Dumbledore die at 5 and didn't bat an eyelash. DW was a different story...

What has been so helpful with our DD has always been drawing distinctions between "real" and "fantasy." At 22 mos she was constantly asking, "Is that real?" If we said no, awesome.

Then there was that time she caught DW and I discussing the Sandy Hook shooting...

My evil older brothers upon discovering we were having pork chops for dinner after we had just watched Charlotte's Web:

"Look! It's Wilbur!"

(cue me running sobbing from the room)

Ok, but Charlotte's Web really is upsetting because of Charlotte! DH says he was traumatized by that and refused to let DD read it yet. I didn't read it until I was much older, though I was in a play of it. Apparently this is a thing, as several other people told me the book busted them up as kids--though I don't understand--just like people being terrified of the flying monkeys in Wizard of Oz.

DD's thing is knowing characters are making a mistake or about to find something out. The tension is too much for her. DS, too. There's no hide and seek in our home, and she'll never want to watch shows like The Office (I can't either!).

More on topic, I think it's great that at 22mo he can speak up when it upsets him. My friend's daughter is clearly gifted and incredibly sensitive to stories, movies, even instrumental music. But she's growing out of it slowly but surely over the years. My DD definitely has grown out of some of it too; I think the feeling are so big but the experiences still so limited, it's hard to manage. After they learn more about narrative patterns and the world it's easier for them. But I did very carefully select materials for my very young kids! Some books are really scary or nasty, but there are great gentle ones too.

A "throw-down" is called for here!

Wink to you, HK...

Making Bacon

I can read most things to my kids without my own tears, "Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge" not so much.

There was one year, when I was 5 I think, when I wasn't allowed to watch most of the Christmas specials because in previous years I would burst into tears and become hysterical.

I was also removed from many movies as a small child (Star Wars was fine, Fantasia and Bambi were not).

I've mostly outgrown it. But I am pretty selective about what I watch. The movie Up makes me bawl. So does Toy Story 3. Knowing the ends (and the entire plot) of those stories doesn't make it any easier for me to get through it.

No advice here, but lots of sympathy.

Thumbs up!

See my teasing Howler Karma video.

(Love HK, btw.)

So sorry, ultramarina... Brothers can be cruel.

Oh, I was permanently scarred by having pigs as a child. What my parents were thinking by having me there when the farm-kill people came out to-- er-- uhh, make sausage-- I can't fathom, knowing how sensitive and empathetic toward animals I am and was even then. I was seven, and I have never forgotten the screaming of the pigs at the intrusion by someone unfamiliar. It was awful. It is a terrible thing that pigs are so tasty. <-- yes, this is me, being paradoxical and idiosyncratic in my worldview-- don't judge me.


But as someone else noted above-- it was really CHARLOTTE that was the problem for me personally in CW.

I also sobbed with Little Women... and DOBBY in HP7... ohhhhmyyyygoshhhhh. I cried for Snape, too. And I was a good deal older than 7.

HK, is this about the right tone re: the deliciousness of pigs?

Homer eats Pinchy

Thanks again everyone!

Precisely.

My parents kept me in the house... but... I could still HEAR my adorable piggy...

I'm over it. Kinda. Hobby farm, actually-- it was the northwest, and the early 70's, so... yeah, kind of the modern homesteader thing.

Aww, that's a heart-wrenching experience to go through. I hope my Simpson's clip didn't offend; it was offered in the spirit of irreverence that we seem to share. If it did, I'm sorry.

Not even remotely offended or traumatized. I'm very difficult to offend. Very much a Monty Python/Simpsons kind of woman. I mean, it was forty years ago. I did enjoy Tigger very much. Both before and after his untimely demise, I mean. I just wish that my Dad hadn't taken QUITE so much glee in pointing it out while I was munching down breakfast sausage patties. {sigh}

Huh, apparently DD3.5yrs re-wrote the three little pigs this week so that only the wolf dies. The first one runs to the second when the straw house is blown down, they then both run to the third pig when the house of sticks comes down. And them all three defeat the wolf together...

No dead pigs!

No that is a version we have here, many authors use that version.

In our version the first two pigs get eaten, it's the only version we own... She solved her own issue with it, which makes me happy. It's a Lucy Cousins (hope that's her name!) collection of tales and she loves them all, but not the eating of the pigs apparently!

Dobby was the one thing that made DD9 sob in the HP series. I was impressed, actually, since she'd been wrecked by MUCH lighter fare not long before.

I of course cried at Dobby, Dumbledore, Snape..probably some other points...

Interestingly, DD did fine with Charlotte's Web at age 5. "See, it's not sad, because of all the babies!" Meanwhile, I was sniveling.

Ugh, now I'm thinking about poor Dobby.

((hugs))

Dobby was a valiant little guy to the end. Cheer up, ultramarina:

"No one has a greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (Source-- John 15:13)

Oh geez, now I'm at work thinking about Dobby. I remember yelling at my husband (who read ahead of me in the series), "Dobby dies? DOBBY DIES???!!!! You let me just get surprised by that?!" There may or may not have also been a thrown book. . . . But I also cried over Snape. . . and Harry asking his Mom if she would stay with him to the end. . .Sigh. That book was brutal.

I'm pretty sure DS7 will not be emotionally ready for Harry Potter until he's 21.

I can't look at Where the Red Fern Grows without crying. I kept asking my son if he wanted to talk about the book as he was reading it and that I was here if he needed me. He kept telling me I was nuts. He handed me the book when he was done and put his hand on my shoulder and gave me the saddest look with tear filled eyes and said I was right. It was a sad book. I tried to engage him in conversation about it but he was like...I am okay. And then that was the end of it.

You all just reminded me of an epic weeping session I had after finishing The Old Curiosity Shop. Walking up and down the hall wailing... Good thing I was home alone. So I must have been older, maybe 13. But even as a teacher the first few years teaching Romeo and Juliet made me choke up a bit. All those impassioned teens realizing the little tragic moments for the first time--ouch. But yes children's books make me cry, although I can develop a tolerance after many readings. Goodnight My Angel got me good.

While middle kid seemed to cry a lot about silly things, I can't recall books or movies being a trigger (unless they were such tearjerkers that everyone cries when they read/watch them). Middle kid had some perfectionist things going on at a young age that made her cry, and microscopic cuts and buttons/snaps on clothes made her break down...but she always liked to read and write about "dark" things.

Just wanted to ask about the earlier comments on Love You Forever...My MIL gave us that book and all of us found it rather disturbing and creepy...did anyone else react that way? And Dobby's death did upset my kids a little, but not enough to stop reading.

Love you forever...yes creepy...but I read it when I was pregnant with my first (after 10 years of infertility) so with all the pregnancy hormones running through my body I was a crying mess (at my niece and nephew's first birthday party) and I had tons of mom's actually laughing at me. They all thought it was creepy too, yet could understand the emotion. If you go on Youtube (or maybe it is his website) you can hear the author read it...and he reads it more as a funny story (knowing that the mom is nuts).

I think the illustrations were a poor match for the text. I've questioned why Munsch approved them, as he originally wrote the story for two of his children who were born stillborn.

My take is that it's a positive spin on the "Stabat Mater" type song of parental lament over a dead child, an attempt by the author to imagine what could have been through the lens of melancholic parental love. Maybe it should be taken literally...that the mother, if given the opportunity to see her children through life, would have hung on their every treasured breath in joy and gratitude.

Wow. Even writing that made me tear up. I'm a hot mess.

Anyone read Beatrice's Goat with their kids? For some reason, that one made me cry buckets, and it's not even sad! Maybe it was when I was pregnant - I don't remember exactly when we read it. But considering that I once had to pull the car over because I was crying so hard when Little Drummer Boy came on the radio when I was pregnant, that could account for it!

See and I really, really got that (without knowing that this was the story behind the story) and identified with it being pregnant with my firstborn after many early miscarriages and the ten years of trying. At that point I was maybe 16 weeks and I felt like this one was going to be a keeper (but in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't 100% given that there would actually be a baby). He is now 13 and I still look at him in amazement and know exactly how that momma felt holding her baby at night even when he was a grown teen and grown man across town.

That's lovely, Sweetie! I'm so glad your son has been the gift you'd hoped for!!

Yeah-- I agree. It really resonated with me because of our deep longing, and our hope being tempered with fear of losing our DD (both before birth and then once we were confronted with her medical vulnerability).

I look at those months between her birth and her first medical crisis as a kind of-- well, a sort of time-out-of-time, in some respects.

It's the only time that we really had where we didn't have fear peeking over the shoulder of our love/joy in having her. "Normal" worrying seems so sweet and poignant that I kind of treasure those moments when they happen, even now. So much else isn't normal and never will be.

I don't know if that explains why I don't see that book as "creepy" but it's interesting that others who have had to walk (metaphorically) with a beloved child's mortality seem to respond to it the same way. If your love is boundless, then the loss is as well, and the time that we have is unbelievably precious. It is hard to put it into words. {sniff-sniff} Just thinking about it makes me weepy.

Interesting, Aquinas. Thanks so much for sharing that back-story.

Though in both cases it was fortunately incorrect, both my kids have been medical mysteries to the point where fatal diseases were considered, which was, obviously, unbelievably terrifying. It was more of a real possibility with DS (muscular dystrophy or spinal muscular atrophy were the concerns). I do still find LYF weeeeird, though. On the other hand, other books that would not have gotten me had I not had these experiences do get me, I think, because of what we went through. I have not forgotten, and will never forget. I can't even go by the building where baby DS had some of his scariest tests without feeling ill.

I just wanted to post a follow-up to share the success I had in averting upset today. DS' (wonderful!) aunt looks after him for an hour a few days per week while I exercise. Today, while I was getting showered and dressed after my workout, DS and his aunt were reading a book that featured a scene with a baby boy wailing, "I want my Mommy!" Aunt's theatric reading of the line sent DS into a full-blown half hour meltdown of tears and wailing about me leaving him, which even nursing (our magic bullet) couldn't assuage.

Fast forward a few hours and he requested to read the same book again. I skipped ahead to the end of the book and we discussed the mother's joyful reunion with the son and acted it out. I reminded him of the separation scene. When it came to the line, I read it matter-of-factly withou drama, and he was fine! We both enjoyed the book thoroughly.

So, long story short, the recommendation worked well! Thanks again!

So for me as a kid it was Snoopy Come Home. I wanted Snoopy to stay with the little girl and was inconsolable for hours.

Re: LYF, interesting Aquinas, I wonder if my reaction would have been different with different illustrations. Certainly knowing the back story changes my perception of the words. This was pretty much my take on it (although, again, knowing the back story I don't feel quite the same way):
http://www.waitinthevan.com/2011/02/character-assassination-carousel-love.html

I had 24 hours after my son was born before receiving his diagnosis. For those hours we thought that we was early (33 weeks) but healthy, and even though I didn't get to hold him life seemed pretty perfect. It is poignant to remember that time. And UM, it is amazing what can trigger those memories. I nearly had a PTSD event driving down the highway past a billboard for the maternity unit at the hospital where he spent 2 months. It all came back.

The Giving Tree always made me depressed: http://www.ninjamomblog.com/2011/01/character-assassination-carousel-giving.html#.UjBYVcasim4
The Sassy Gay friend's reading of the Giving Tree made me laugh too. (it is slightly r-rated, but funny)

DD12 for sure has this. She sobbed through the entire last Harry Potter movie, and also the end of the Chronicles of Narnia books. She was devastated the other night at the end of The Book Thief. (although with Death being the narrator, it seems there must have been some foreshadowing, right?) I understand. And I always felt better after a good cry. As a teenager though there were some awkward moments in movies when I would be just torn up and everyone else was fine.