DD10 - ARRRRGH.

I don't know where to begin without launching into pages and pages of history, but here are a couple of key points:

- she suffers from perfectionism
- she used to be FIERCELY COMPETITIVE when she was younger. It was pathological, actually... not constructive at all. Now she doesn't seem to care about anything.

My current "ARRRRGH" has to do with her science fair project mark. Ready? (cringe) She got a C. Given the fact that her content was absolute bare minimum and she neglected to submit a bibliography (one of the required elements), I think a C is exceedingly generous. The problem? She's not really into science.

Basically she excels at whatever she happens to be interested in, and she glosses over and turns her back on whatever bores her.

She's much better than she used to be, because the "refusal to exert effort" problem also used to apply to things that scared her (seemed too difficult). We're making tremendous strides in this area.

However... my problem remains figuring out how to get her to care about grades, which will be an important strategic tool later for her to obtain what she wants. The problem is, grades are more about motivation than they are about cognition.

DD10 is just not interested in jumping through other people's hoops, and the older she gets, the more this concerns me. <--- (when I read this back it seems ridiculous - i.e. it's good that she's not at the whim of other people's standards... but you know what I mean).

Thoughts? Advice?

I fully applaud an unwillingness to jump through other people's hoops. People jumping through hoops do not change the world, but they sure can serve up a fast burrito for lunch. If she can learn to consistently find her own motivation in ways that align with reasonable and fair grading standards, then I think the best outcomes are down that path.

Science projects are formalized arguments in answer to a question, if the topic selection was over-constrained then I'd fault the instructor. Arguments are about evidence and accurate communication of factors. If that sort of framing can't get her head into it, dunno.

I tossed away any care for grades probably the first time I had a grade lowered because a teacher didn't like my handwriting fortyish years ago.

How to dig to find the interesting part that engages me, despite someone else's handwaving is the important survival skill to me. But in all situations, there is always something I don't know even if thrice removed it is usually enough to get traction.

I have mixed feelings about grades. When applied properly, grades are a reasonable measurement of a student's ability and motivation. When applied otherwise, grades can be arbitrary, and at worst, reflect only one limited abilities (e.g., memorization).

On the other hand, high grades open up doors that would otherwise be closed, such as more opportunities, advanced classes, and control over your educational life.

Ideally, we wouldn't need grades. But since we're stuck with them, I recommend trying to make the best of it. Your daughter's iconoclastic attitude may be very helpful later in life, so long as she remains humble.

Thanks everyone.

It's so hard because I want her to always be able to think for herself, and not define herself through other people's opinions of her achievements (or lack thereof). On the other hand, she needs to be able to navigate the societal/scholastic landscape. Expectations (grades or otherwise) exist, whether we like it or not.

MON - I tried asking her about the required elements for the project (like the bibliography), ie "have you included everything you're supposed to?" and she got annoyed and shut me out.

I have a friend with a HG son the same age, and if his work is not up to par, she puts her foot down and makes him redo it "You're capable of better, and you know it." That just wouldn't fly with my DD... oh my goodness... look out. (Is that nature or nurture? How much influence do I have over her temperament? Have I handled her in a less than optimal way?) I second guess myself constantly.

My brother was like this at school, A+ in area of interest, barely passing the rest. Interestingly it took him about 5 years after school to discover that he needed to work in all areas to get what he wanted. He now is a teacher (in the top 1% when studying), loves his kids and work, is the GT co-ordinator and working on ways to engage kids like he was. Lets hope it doesn't take your DD quite that long!

Thank you for this

I need to remind myself that DD is only ten, and sometimes people need to live and grow a little before they figure out life strategies.

@CNN, The other day I was reading about divergent thinkers and just now saw this post. I was wondering if it is worth to mould a divergent thinker into a traditional one. What is the gain and what's the loss?

I don't know. I like the fact that DD sets her own priorities, but I just want her to have choices when she's older, and not be trapped by her unwillingness to conform when it's beneficial to her. It's hard... if only we had crystal balls to see where they'll all be down the road. Parenting can be so hard!!